25. Art of letting go

"How is he?" Laurel couldn't help herself.

Thea shrugged, raising her shoulders, her hands buried in the pockets of her coat. Spring was slow to come to Starling. "You know," she mumbled. "He says he's fine, when he's obviously not," a strong undercurrent of annoyance in her tone. Thea hated being lied to and that's what Oliver did straight to her face. "Mom got a call from the insurance so he couldn't avoid telling her something happened, but I don't think she got any further with him than I did."

Laurel winced. It was about as she expected. Some time ago she would have felt that she had to go to Oliver – to push him to act differently but now… She still cared, but she was also painfully aware that it just wasn't her place. And it's not like I had much effect when it was. Perhaps that was an unfair thought, but the spring still had the chill and bitterness of winter and sometimes so did she.

"Speaking of stubborn individuals," Thea picked up the lost thread of the conversation. "There's some weird shit going on with Roy and he's been doing the silent sufferer impression as well. That is until…"

"Until what?" Laurel stopped, drawing Thea to a stop too. Concern changed her features.

"He broke up with me," Thea felt more dejected as she said it than she wanted to be.

"What happened?" she'd always thought Thea and Roy were thick as thieves. Like me and Oliver in the beginning. Then again that was probably not the best comparison considering the end of the story. She winced inwardly.

"He cheated on me with a waitress," Thea stated plainly. "So, technically, I broke up with him."

Even that was familiar. "No…"

"Yeah, well…" Thea waved with her hand as if she could wave all of it away. She started walking away. "So that happened, and, honestly, I know why he did it – he tried to break up with me and when I refused, he pulled this shit to force my hand, but honestly, at this point I don't even care what are his reasons. He's an asshole."

Laurel ached and followed Thea. Oh, but you do care. As I did. "He is an asshole," that was safe, agreeable ground. And it also made Laurel realize that Thea had been doing her best for the past weeks just to get Laurel back on her feet while her own life seemed to be unravelling. "Tell me – what can I do?"

"Punch him?" Thea snorted.

"I can scream at him," Laurel offered.

"That scream?" a mischievous look returned to Thea's face.

"That scream too," Laurel joked back. "I'd probably need a mask or something or I'd be a one trick pony…" even as she said it and idea came to her mind.

And to Thea's too. "It's not a bad idea… In fact, it's a good idea. A very good idea," she quickly said, thinking.

"But nooo," Laurel drawled back following Thea's train of thought. "I don't…" think I can do it.

"But we already did!" Back in Chile.

"You're right, but… I mean…," the thought was hard to shake, even more than that – it was hard to resist. "But, okay," she stopped near the entrance to a small park in Glades. "So, a mask, the scream… We have been training with it, but then what… Toss around Roy every other night until his brain falls into place?" she was joking, because the mask, the scream… It sounded powerful. It sounded like freedom. It was almost scary.

Thea rolled her eyes, pointed her chin down, "That, obviously." Roy certainly deserved it. "But we do whatever. What we did in Chile. What you did at CNRI. I mean, you've got to be one of the most kidnapped persons in this city. You of all people should know who needs some tossing around."

Laurel mulled the thought over. It was never a question about the 'we'. It was just that… She hadn't accepted the job offer at the DA's office because the schemes and the rules of it felt like a choker around her neck and while the new DA seemed different – only time would truly tell, and…

It was true that she was directionless now. She'd refused a job, lived on her savings. Her days were empty of a schedule except meeting up with Thea whenever Verdant was supposed to be empty to see how to trigger the scream. She'd been getting consistently better. The trick was in falling. It wasn't so much a specific emotion or wishing for it. It was letting go.

So, Laurel let go of her doubts and skepticism, and went with it. "Okay."

"Okay?" Thea squeaked in surprise. She hadn't expected Laurel to cave so quickly.

"We have a lot of details to work out, and we need a new place…"

"There's got to be a lot of Queen properties…"

"No," Laurel objected. "If we're going to do this, we'll need to train the voice and ourselves, I guess, we need to be better than in Chile, and we need a place. A base of sorts and it can't be something traced back to your family. Or it'll be like Oliver being accused of being the Hood all over again," even as she spoke her mind raced ahead, "I have an idea, I'll take care of it."

"Train… Like to fight, right?" Thea was also thinking ahead. "I think I know a guy that can help. I've heard some talk about this gym in the Glades," she said.

"To fight, yeah," Laurel said, and it felt scary to put it like that. But then again – hadn't she been fighting? Not just herself, but the everything and everyone – her family, Oliver, justice system, every psycho, group and organization that thought it would be great to kidnap her. She had been fighting all along. So maybe it would be great to have some tools as well. Some defense classes would no longer cut it.

"Shit, we're gonna do this," there was excitement in Thea's voice, she almost bounced on the spot.

"We're going to do something," Laurel was a bit more cautious, her gaze travelled around as if looking for anyone listening in. There was nobody around. "At the very least we'll get a hangout where neither my roommate nor your brother is likely to show up, and we'll learn to defend ourselves." But even as she said it, she felt that this was going to be so much more.

"Sure thing, Canary Two," Thea brushed away any lingering hesitation coming from Laurel.

"Canary two?" Laurel raised her brows.

"Well, there's this blonde chick in the Glades who's been…"

"I know about the woman in black," Laurel sighed. "Why…"

"Don't want to be number two?" Thea teased and tugged Laurel to start walking again. After all, the reason they were out in the first place was to get some hotdogs from the stand across the park.

"It's not that," Laurel followed easily. "If we're talking disguises – black outfit and a wig isn't terribly original, and it would help with not standing out and keeping our comings and goings on the down-low."

"Then what?"

"Not sure," Laurel sighed. "Just something," she shrugged. Something about the original Canary of Glades was tickling her mind, but she couldn't quite put her finger on it. "Never mind, I never thought I'd go into the vigilante business. We can certainly get around the fancy names later."

Thea snorted and fished for her wallet in her bag as they neared the hot dog stand. "I'd say it's more of a startup than a business at this point."

Laurel laughed and reached for her own purse, "Fair enough." She mulled the thought for a moment and then quipped with a cheeky grin, "Speedy."

"Hey!"

IKYWT

"Ah, you're just in time, love," Slade looked up from his tablet as he heard the elevator doors ping open.

"It must be a talent," Laurel quipped back as she stepped inside and pulled off her ankle boots and hung her coat in the hallway closet. "Pray tell me, what am I in time for?" she asked as she dropped in the armchair nearest to Slade and curled her feet under herself.

"Dinner menu," he said pointing at the tablet.

"Ah, I see, we're still scared of the stove, are we?" she teased. It wasn't that she particularly liked to cook, but they ordered in more than either of them cooked and sometimes… Sometimes she just wanted something simple.

"It breathes fire," Slade replied deadpan.

Laurel laughed. True enough. "Alright then, show me what's there," she reached for the tablet, "and maybe for tomorrow I'll see if I can become a dragon slayer and show you how it's done."

Somehow, they had fallen in a routine of shared coffee in the morning and dinner in the evening. And Laurel suspected it was more Slade who had had to do the falling as he had his job and whatever other commitments he had during the day and she… Well, for the first time in her life, Laurel enjoyed just having nothing to do. And more than the freedom with her time, she enjoyed the utter lack of guilt about it.

She used the time to sleep, to breathe, to put herself back together. Realizations came to her slowly – one by one and she took stock of them and filed them away dutifully – just as she organized all the things she had still left over from her apartment.

Realization One – as awful as the event in Chile had been, it had made her want to live again in a way nothing had for a very long time. It had rekindled a fire in her. Realization Two – whoever she was now was not who she had been before. She could no longer go through the same motions hoping for a better result. It didn't matter who it concerned – her family, her job, her… Oliver. Realization Three – she had friends. Colleagues and people that she'd helped, family – Slade, Joanna, Thea and many others. Her father. Realization Four - Thea was family. It wasn't even a realization as much as a bone deep truth that she'd do anything for Thea. Realization Five - ….

"You know what, I'll take the pasta with spinach," she said, passing the tablet back to him. "And I need to tell you something."

"Oh?" this should be good. He finalized the order to the kitchen and locked the tablet.

"Something happened in Chile," she said and then sighed and rolled her eyes. "I'm going about it the wrong way. I'll try to put it plainly." Realization Five – she did not have to, nor did she want to suffer in silence and alone. She did not want to be a silent sufferer. "Thea and I got kidnapped. By human traffickers. And we got rescued and lucky, because there was military in the nearby area."

Slade's expression spasmed before concern took over it. "It must have been awful," he said hesitantly.

"Yes," and it sounded more like relief because it felt good to just let it out. To let it go. "It was," she nodded. "And before you met me, my sister came back from the dead, I had to prosecute for death penalty the mother of my closest friends then I was kidnapped by a serial killer who wanted to create a doll out of me and," she paused, breath catching in her throat, a finger pointed for each thing she called out. "And before that an entire region of the city collapsed and my best friend died trying to save me…," no, that wasn't right, "Saving me," because Tommy had succeeded.

"And there might have been people following me and other psychos in the meantime, but honestly at some point it just blurs together," and here she laughed – with exasperation and surprise. "And that's just last six months, give or take."

"Laurel…" there was a note of gravity in Slade's voice, seriousness that was never there when he called her 'love'.

"I'm not complaining," she was quick to continue, shaking her head. "Nor am I asking for anything…" She paused, thinking it over, "I just needed to say it out loud. To someone. A person. To admit that it's real, it happened, and…., " there was a hysterical note in her voice, but here was also relief. So much relief. "That I went through that and I'm here, and it's over." The next lungful of oxygen felt like healing. "Sorry."

Muscles twitched in Slade's face as he gritted his teeth, and then moved forwards towards her, to grasp her hands in his, "Don't," he growled. Looked sideways. His grip on her harder than intended. He gathered himself, "Don't apologize, not for being here, not for sharing. I can take it," he wanted to say that he was glad that she did, because he was, but everything she said was like fuel added to fire.

There was rage that awoke in him – he had felt only the edge of it when he thought her lost in Chile, but now it was like a raging inferno that he could now barely constrain. Yet he desperately wanted her not to see it. Shado loomed behind the chair Laurel was sitting in. "I…"

"It was a lot to just dump on you," she felt free of it now, but also a little bit like in a game of 'tag' where now she had passed it on and was no longer 'it'. She winced at his grip – harshness was something that she had not experienced from him. "I am…"

Slade released her hands abruptly and stood turning away from Shado. From Laurel. A mirage of Laurel – this one shot in the stomach or chest - he'd seen her like that before – the ghost flickered in front of him like an image on TV with bad reception. "I told you, Laurel¸ don't…" red spots were in his vision. He felt like violence would bleed from him if…

"She makes you so angry, doesn't she?" Shado crowed happily behind him.

The image of a dying Laurel in front of him shot him a bloody grin. Her expression full of glee and murder. He squeezed his eyes shut.

"Hey, hey, Slade," Laurel's hands came to his shoulders, his biceps, turning him around with her slight hands. Her real hands.

He kept his eyes closed. He tried to speak, but his words would vent fury, so he kept his mouth sealed.

Laurel bit her lip, as she tentatively held him. "I'm here," she settled on an approach. "And I won't apologize, promise. I am here," she repeated. "And I'm okay," so please be too. "I'm here, and I'm okay," she smiled at him when he opened his eyes. "And so are you," she rose to her tiptoes to hug him – slowly, signaling her every move in case he wanted to move away.

He didn't. Tension melted when she pressed close.

"It flatters that you feel so strongly, but please don't," she needed someone to trust. Someone to tell things – even if in the most basic of facts. Someone that wouldn't fly off the handle, lecture her, try to fix her… She just needed someone to be there. "I'm here and I'm okay now," she repeated.

His arms slowly rose to hug her back. To think of it – for all the time they'd spent together this was the first proper hug they had. It felt like milestone. "I can't not feel strongly…," he grumbled, staring at Shado. His words more of an admission than even he knew. "But I can promise that I won't…" he closed his eyes, "be another problem for you, love."

When he opened his eyes, Shado was gone. "You can tell me anything you wish."

Laurel released him. Her eyes sparkled as her smile grew to a grin. Realization Six – letting go was the best thing ever. But as she took his hand, she knew that some things were worth holding on to. "And I think I will take you up on it."