Disclaimer: Would J.K. Rowling ever write something like this? What? She would? What were you doing going through her trash bin? The characters that don't make you cringe belong to previously stated genius. The plot belongs to the genius who invented the concept of a parody.

A/N: This is a parody. Meaning, read only if you can take a joke. This is not an insult to any particular OC. If you have a character like the ones here, I'm so sorry. That must be rough. But this wasn't stolen from you. I promise. This is a parody of two things. 1) Mary Sues (obviously) and 2) My own strange habit of using parenthesis often.

The typical, classical, slightly terrifying tale of someone whose name won't fit here. An absolutely gorgeous walking contradiction, she is shocked to discover... well? There's only one way to find out! Read and Review!

A Mary Sue Tale

By: Selene 147

There once existed a Perfect (yes, capitalized) Being. Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke (her mother was obsessed with names and couldn't decide on just one) Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen Yasmin Sakura Unity Elvina (it truly is unfortunate she can't go by only her initials) Gwendolyn Victoria Juliet Brianna Laura Eve Star was, in every sense of the word, perfect.

She had silky, cascading hair that tumbled down her back in glorious waves of sunlight (ignoring the fact that sunlight isn't a color). Her eyes were like pale saphires that glistened in the soft light of the moon. Or, would it be emeralds? It's difficult to say, because her eyes changed color at random. She had lightly tanned skin, and her body was both slender and curvy (needless to say, she was "filled out in all the right places").

Now, Raven Auraura Rose Daniella Xena Brooke Saphire Mahalia Adamina Rhonwen Yasmin Sakura Unity Elvina Gwendolyn-- oh screw it, we'll just call her Raven-- unfortunately had a very tragic past. Just recently her parents died in a fire (brace yourselves, this is very sad). Her father had fallen asleep with a lit cigarette. Her mother, of course, didn't smoke (she had to maintain the lung capacity to shout Raven's full name). The house wasn't burned at all (luckily) but about ten minutes after the fire was extinguished, Raven checked the mail to find she was being evicted (not so luckily).

So a recently homeless Raven boarded a plane (one must take a moment to wonder where she got the money) and left her beloved Southern California for the United Kingdom, because she would like to be viewed as tragic and it would be much more tragic to be homeless there (doesn't she have some truly derranged logic?).

When she arrived in London, she was all smiles, despite the fact that her parents just died (she didn't like them anyway. She happened to be tragically abused). She was just looking around, wondering what to do next, when an owl dropped something on her perfect head (actually, it dropped two things, one of which was very wet and nasty).

Raven discovered the first object to be an envelope made from yellowish parchment. On it were the words

Miss R.A.R.D.X.B.S.M.A.R.Y.S.U.E.G.V.J.B.L.E.S. Weston

Middle of the Street

London

Oh my gosh that's me! (well that's obvious) she thought as she tore the letter open.

HOGWARTS SCHOOL

of WITCHCRAFT and WIZARDRY

Headmaster: Albus Dumbledore

(Order of Merlin, First Class, Grand Sorc., Chf. Warlock,

Supreme Mugwump, International Confed. of Wizards)

Dear Miss Weston,

We are pleased to inform you that you have been accepted at Hogwarts School of Witchcraft and Wizardry. Please find enclosed a list of all necessary books andequiptment. Term begins September 1.

Yours Sincerely,

Minerva McGonagall

Deputy Headmistress

Raven was ecstatic. I'm a witch! Which I had no idea about! I'm going to Hogwarts! Which I've never heard of! I'm so excited! Term starts tomorrow! I've got to go shopping! I think I've got owl crap in my hair! She was having difficulty keeping herself from bouncing with excitement.

Grinning, she skipped off to find Diagon Alley (and then, hopefully, to take a shower).

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A/N: Idiotic isn't it? I live off of reviews, but the only person allowed to flame is Kitty (and that's only because I promised her she could, back when this was still just a plot bunny. Last November). This is unbeta'd, so please, please please point out my spelling and grammar mistakes. But not continuity mistakes, as those are intentional. I have the entire fic written in my notebook, but not typed, and I'm a slow typer, so... expect an update whenever. But only if enough nice people click that little purple button below!