One Year Later
Amelia was sat on the nursing chair, the babe in her arms sleeping soundly. She was rocking back and forth on the chair, pushing her feet back against the stool in front of her. Her own eyes had began to droop closed. She was becoming exhausted herself. It was true what they had told her in the mother and baby group: you would learn to sleep when your child slept. It would be the only peace available. Amelia was beginning to understand it. Her head lolled back as the baby in her arms gurgled after a moment.
Before she dropped off, she felt the weight of her baby being taken from her arms. That caused her eyes to open wide. She looked up and saw Bucky stood over her. He had a lopsided smile on his face as he picked the bundle in blankets up. Amelia nodded to him and he resisted the urge to chuckle as he saw her rest back against the chair, eyes closing once more. Shaking his head, he looked down at the little girl he was cradling. She was still sleeping soundly, her little fists moving in the air slowly and her face contorting. Bucky often wondered if she could dream. What did she think of?
"Come on, you, let's let mommy rest."
"Mummy," Amelia corrected him with the British pronunciation. Her voice was a sleepy whisper and Bucky chuckled. She might be half asleep, but she was still able to correct him when she needed to.
"Mummy," he corrected himself, but he knew the baby wouldn't care or even understand him.
He settled her down into her crib, pulling the blanket over her and making sure her head was resting on the pillow. Leaving her there when he was content she was alright, he turned on the baby monitor and looked to Amelia who had her eyes closed once more, lips parted slightly and breath leaving them gently. Bucky rolled his eyes and moved to grab hold of her by the hand. She grunted her complaint, but let him haul her to her feet.
"You'll get a neckache if you try and sleep there," he warned her.
She murmured something incoherently and Bucky led her from the small nursery. The sun was setting on the summer's evening and Bucky knew that they should at least try and make the most of it considering autumn was soon coming. But Amelia was struggling to sleep normal hours, despite trying to get her daughter into a regular sleeping pattern.
Everything about having a baby had changed Amelia. Her life now revolved around that little girl in the crib upstairs. She doted on her. She watched her every moment she was awake, not wanting to miss a thing. She was only just ten months old, but she was already growing too much for Amelia's liking. She had even taken to crawling when Amelia's back was turned. She had seen her also waving with Bucky, beaming widely as he played with her and got her stuffed animals to wave. Amelia also knew that her daughter didn't like being separated from her either. She went through separation anxiety and it almost killed Amelia when she left the room and she would cry loudly. But she'd been told it was completely normal. Plus, Bucky was usually there to try and placate either Amelia or her daughter.
"Do you want a glass of wine or do you want to go to bed?" Bucky asked from Amelia once he had picked up the spare baby monitor from the sideboard in the hallway and he noted her open bedroom door.
"What time is it?"
"Only just gone seven…so if you're lucky, Grace should sleep eleven hours."
"If I'm lucky," Amelia echoed his words and began trudging down the stairs towards the kitchen, holding onto the handrail on the way down. Bucky followed her, his steps light.
He was dressed in a pair of loose-fitting jeans with a grey top, having forgone his jacket as soon as he returned from the supermarket. Amelia pulled at her hair, tugging it down her shoulders and moving it behind her back. She adjusted the straps to the green, flowing summer dress she wore and headed into the kitchen. Bucky set the baby monitor down on the worktop, making sure it was on the loudest setting.
"White or red?" Amelia asked from him, clearly invested in the idea of having a glass.
"You choose," Bucky said.
"I always choose," she complained.
"Because it has not impact on me," he responded.
"Yeah, but you still have to taste it," Amelia said, but she was already pulling out the bottle of white wine from the wine cooler. She unscrewed the cap as Bucky placed two wine glasses down in front of her. Pouring them, she saw water droplets begin to form on the glasses from the coolness of the liquid.
She left the bottle on the side and then picked her own glass up, clinking it with Bucky's. The two of them took the first sip, the taste fruity and refreshing on the warm summer's night. Heading out to the patio, Bucky made sure the baby monitor was in sight and close to them. He sat down on one end of the outdoor sofa as Amelia took the other.
"How was the supermarket?" she asked.
"Quiet," Bucky responded. "They didn't have any of Grace's favourite baby food so I had to get her the other brand instead."
Amelia's lips quirked from behind her glass at hearing him say that. "I don't know if she has favourite baby food yet, Bucky. I think mushed up vegetables taste just the same no matter what the packet says."
"I disagree. That kid definitely knows when something is different," Bucky said and Amelia continued smiling, amazed at how natural it felt with him. "You know that when I was looking after her the other day, I swore she was actually looking at the pictures in the book I was reading her."
"Which one was it?"
"The Princess and the Pea," he said.
"She did the same when I read it to her the other night," Amelia confirmed for him. "I think we might have found one of her favourite books then. I did try and read some Austen to her when she was even smaller, but I don't think any of that sunk in."
Bucky laughed softly and shook his head, his eyes rolling. "Maybe she's still a bit too young for that," he commented.
Amelia nodded, the smile still on her face as she remembered opening up the first edition copy of Emma that she kept on her nightstand. The note that Helmut had left her with it was still in it. She didn't have it in her to take it out just yet. She folded her legs beneath her body and draped her free arm over the back of the couch, her hand resting by Bucky's neck and tangling into the hair that sat on the nape of it. She hummed contently for a moment as he rested his head back against her palm, enjoying the comforting feeling of her fingers tickling against his skin.
"I was thinking that maybe we should get away for a while," Amelia confessed to him and Bucky turned his gaze to her, her fingers still playing with his hair. "We've been stuck here for the past year and a half. It might be nice to see somewhere else for a while."
"You sure?" Bucky asked her, knowing that it had been difficult for her in the first few months of motherhood.
She had read so many stories about mothers taking to motherhood like a duck to water. That hadn't been Amelia's experience. She had struggled to get Grace to feed from her, almost as though her baby was rejecting her. She cried all of the time and Amelia had no idea how to make it stop. She was scared to bathe her. She worried that nothing she did would be good enough or right, no matter how many baby books she read or how many support classes she went to. She would snap at Bucky when he tried to reassure her, only to apologise profusely to him at the end of the day. It had been difficult. It had been hard and there were times when she wished that her mother was with her. She would have known what to do. She wanted her there to guide her through it all, but instead she had to work it out on her own. But she wasn't entirely on her own. She had Bucky who had also read the same books and helped her through it.
"Yeah," Amelia said positively. "I was looking and there's this place in Cornwall…a small cottage on the beach…I know Grace is too young to appreciate the beach, but there are lots of country pubs and walking paths too…although getting her pram down them could be difficult in places."
"You know that I'm a super soldier, right?" Bucky asked and Amelia shook her head and rolled her eyes. He never let her forget that he was a super soldier whenever she tried to lift something heavy and he took over.
"Yes, but can we at least try to look normal? It's bad enough every time we go out I swear people are looking at us."
"Yeah, this thing is pretty distinctive," Bucky said, motioning to the vibranium arm.
"It's not you, Bucky," Amelia promised him. "God, never think that I don't want to be seen with you. On the contrary, it's me…it's me who worries about being whispered about…about what might come in the future when Grace is older."
"We'll cross that bridge when we have to," Bucky told her.
He knew that she worried about how to tell her daughter the truth. She worried about what she would say and how she would react. Because Amelia knew that she couldn't keep the truth from her. Her parents were both renowned. People might not piece things together quickly, but Amelia knew that at the school gates, someone might recognise her one day or recognise her name. Then they would piece things together. And Amelia didn't want her daughter to resent her for what she had done. She didn't want to imagine it.
"But it'll come one day."
"And when it does, we simply tell her what we have to tell her," Bucky said and Amelia nodded. She knew that she was being premature, but that was how her mind was. She was constantly longing to protect her daughter.
"So…you still intend to be here when that time comes?" Amelia questioned him and Bucky shrugged.
"Had no intention of going anywhere," he responded. "You know that I meant what I said, I'll be here for as long as you want me."
"I know," Amelia said to him, a sad smile on her face as she wondered just what she had done to deserve someone like Bucky staying with her. "And you know that I appreciate everything you do, right? I absolutely adore you, Bucky…and I know that this…what we have…it's not conventional…but I worry it won't be enough for you."
"Amelia, when have we ever been conventional?" Bucky questioned and she tilted her head. He had a point there. "Nothing about us has been conventional and I'm happy enough as we are. We're going slow…taking things as they come… the only thing that matters is that we're happy."
"And you are?"
"I'm with you and Grace. I'm happy," he assured her. "And one day we'll figure out what it is we want to do because we can't spend our lives rattling around this house."
Amelia laughed and nodded. He was right on that point. He had confessed that he enjoyed helping people and he had wondered if there might be a job for him at some stage doing that. He had considered joining the army again for a few weeks, but that idea had been put on the backburner when Amelia had confessed that she was struggling to him. And Amelia was too busy looking after Grace to think about her next steps. Her dreams of a PhD had been put on hold, but that wasn't to say they had died. She knew she could still do it if she just waited and put her mind to it.
"And going slow?"
"We can go as slow as you need," Bucky replied, picking her hand up from the back of his neck and kissing her knuckles softly as she beamed at him, unable to believe that she still felt butterflies in her stomach whenever he was near her.
Amelia had been adamant that she couldn't give Bucky the same affection that he showed her. She didn't think that there was anything after Helmut. She had convinced herself that she didn't deserve to move on. But then it had been one night while Grace had been sleeping and they had sat in the snug, the fire lit and warming the room, tinting their cheeks red, when Amelia had finally kissed him. She had been drinking and had confessed to him that she had been watching him when he hadn't been looking. She'd started to notice small things like the way his shoulder blades moved whenever he stretched. She'd see the way he would scratch his chin and focus on the stubble around his cheeks intently. She would watch him lick his lips when he concentrated and would find herself wondering what he tasted like.
She had been convinced that it had just been loneliness driving her to want someone. But that wasn't quite true. Helmut might have been right all along. There maybe had been deeper feelings for Bucky that she didn't quite understand. And she was still working them out.
She had been open with him. She had told him that she cared for him and was attracted to him, but that she needed to take things slow. She wanted to be sure they could make this work and she needed to be sure because she'd hurt Bucky before and she didn't want to hurt him again.
And he had agreed with her. He had told her that he was in no position to jump into anything. He was getting used to being in the world once more. He hadn't had a real relationship before, not truly. He was happy to take things slow. And then there was Grace. Bucky knew that she would never be his. There were times when he looked at her and he saw Zemo. He saw the man who had almost ruined his life and he sometimes struggled with that. She had his dark brown eyes, but her mother's dull brown hair. She was definitely a mixture of both parents.
"You know, I spoke with Sam earlier today," Bucky said, changing the topic onto something lighter when he noticed they had lapsed into silence, both of them clearly thinking.
"Oh?" Amelia asked. "How is he?"
"He's good," Bucky said. "He's thinking about visiting the UK at some stage. He's promised his nephews that he'd take them on holiday."
"Do you think you'll meet up?"
"I don't know," Bucky said. "I mean, he mentioned coming to see me. I told him about us."
"What did he say?"
"He just said that he was happy if we're happy," Bucky said. "Of course, he warned me to be careful."
Amelia smiled wryly. "He still doesn't entirely trust me, does he?" she questioned and Bucky scoffed and took a sip of his wine, still holding onto Amelia's hand with his other. He picked her hand up and moved closer to her, draping his arm over her shoulders and feeling her head rest against his shoulder.
"He's pretty protective of me," Bucky said to Amelia. "And you haven't exactly been trustworthy in the past. You did everything I asked you not to when we were working together."
Amelia rolled her eyes at hearing him. "You knew that I was stubborn when you met me, Bucky. I don't exactly listen to people telling me what to do."
"Don't I know it," he muttered and Amelia nudged him in the stomach and sipped on her wine, almost spitting it out when she felt Bucky tickle her shoulder. She wormed around in his grip, her wine sloshing over the sides of the glass and onto her lap. Laughing loudly, Bucky tossed his head back and placed his own glass down before Amelia retaliated. She placed her own glass down before turning to face him on the sofa, her hands reaching for his shoulders and pushing at him.
"You made me spill perfectly good wine!" she exclaimed.
"I'm sorry, sweetheart," he replied, the term of affection slipping from his tongue. He rarely used it with her, only when he wasn't thinking. He didn't know if she liked it or if they were at that stage yet, but it felt natural in moments like this.
"You know how I feel about wine," she commented and Bucky nodded.
"I do indeed," he confirmed to her.
"Then you should know that this might be unforgivable."
"Even if I apologise?"
"Not sure it's enough."
"Buy you chocolate?"
"Bribing my forgiveness? Sergeant Barnes I applaud your ambition."
Bucky laughed at her, the noise carefree and loud. He moved so that he had her against him on the couch and she moved so that she straddled his lap. He kept his hands on her hips as she held his shoulders, her forehead pressing to his as they moved slowly together, kissing tenderly and gently. This was as far as they had gone, but it was enough for now. Amelia hadn't particularly felt attractive months after giving birth, wondering if Bucky would even look at her. But he did. He told her that he would always be attracted to her because he knew her and she still looked beautiful to him.
They continued kissing, the motion tender and gentle, Bucky pushing Amelia's hair behind her ear and toying with the ends of it as he let her take charge. Her kisses were gentle and soft. Bucky, despite being strong, was also surprisingly tender, his grip on her gentle and comforting. Pulling back, Amelia wanted to groan when she heard Grace screaming through the baby monitor.
"I'll go," Bucky said to her.
"No," she said with a shake of her head. "I've got this. You can pour another glass of wine. Hopefully I won't be long."
"You sure."
"Positive."
She pushed herself from him after kissing him one more time. Moving to the door, she turned to look over her shoulder and looked to Bucky one more time, catching that lopsided grin on his face. Bucky watched her retreat into the house and he leant back, moving into his pocket and pulling out the notebook that he kept there. But this time it wasn't a notebook filled with names. It was a notebook he filled with all of the things he wanted to do in his future. He'd made amends, now he was looking ahead.
Amelia headed up to the nursery and picked her daughter up as soon as she was there. Reaching into the crib, she was gentle as she pulled her out and held her against her chest softly, patting her back and trying to soothe her. She moved around the room slowly.
"What's all this?" she asked her in a soft whisper. "Hey, Gracie? What's going on?"
She perched back on the nursing chair once more, leaning back and putting her feet on the stool. She cradled Grace to her, the baby looking up at her with the eyes that were the exact same as Helmut's. Amelia often felt her heart lurch when she looked at her daughter, but she tried not to let her thoughts dwell too long. She couldn't or she would go backwards. And she had to go forwards. She had to continue going forwards.
"You know, Bucky and me were just talking about going away," Amelia said to her, knowing her daughter would understand nothing. But she just wanted to talk. "We were talking about going to Cornwall…there will be fish and chips…beaches…and a nice cottage…would you like that? To go and see the sea? Be somewhere else?"
Grace gurgled slightly and Amelia's lips arched. "Yeah, me too," she said, thinking that her daughter was answering affirmatively to her. "You know, you're everything to me, don't you, Gracie? You're my entire world and I just want to make you happy. I always want to make you happy and I'll always be there to protect you, no matter where we are. I love you so much."
Grace wormed around again, reaching up for her mother. Amelia smiled down to her and kissed her on the forehead. "I'll always have you, darling. I promise."
…
Laying on his cot, Helmut held the letter above his head and let his eyes scan over the words there. The envelope had already been opened and the letter read. Nothing was private in the Raft, he knew that much. His life was no longer his own. But every so often, he would find himself lost in the letters that Amelia sent. She wrote to him every month and each month she would tell him about his daughter.
Grace Charlotte Baker. He had the scan of her safely tucked away in a copy of Emma. He had looked at that for so long and then eventually Grace had been born. Amelia had sent her photos of their daughters attached to the letters and Helmut would stare at them so often. This latest one was of Grace on a beach, Amelia behind her, holding onto her hands above her head as she tried to walk forwards. She was just over one and clearly trying to walk on her own, but Amelia was still needed. She had grown up and he had just seen her through photographs.
She had Amelia's hair. It was the same colour and the same soft curls that ran down to her shoulders. But her eyes were Helmut's dark brown colour. She had his stubborn jaw as well, but she had her mother's high cheekbones and nose. There was no denying who her parents were. And she looked so happy. She looked like a happy, healthy baby.
Running his finger over her face, Helmut wished that he could meet her. He wished that he could be on the beach with her, but he knew that it wasn't going to happen. Amelia had moved on. He knew she had. She had told him as much in her letters. She had admitted to him that Bucky was now living with her and she was happy with him. But she always gave Helmut her love whenever she signed her letters. She had confessed that he would always have a small piece of her heart.
He never wrote back, not wanting to involve himself in her life. He contented himself just seeing his daughter and Amelia whenever he could in the photos. He placed the new photograph propped up against the books on his bookcase. He folded the letter up and placed it on top of the pile of other letters that she had sent to him. Looking to Amelia and Grace once more, he smiled sadly.
"I love you both," he whispered into the emptiness of his cell.
He went to lay back down on his cot. Folding his arms behind his head, he closed his eyes and went back to daydreaming of better times. It had been times when he had been with his wife. It had been times when he had been with Amelia. This time, he was remembering the first night they were together after they had been to the dingy club in Norwich. He still remembered chasing after her when she walked away. He remembered grabbing her by the hand and hauling her back to him before kissing her.
Perhaps he should have always continued chasing her instead of running away from her. Perhaps then he might have been happy. But he had made his choice. He had made it and he had to live with it. And so now he just lived with his memories. He lost himself in them because they were now all he had to comfort him: memories of a past life.
…
A/N: AND WE ARE FINISHED! So grateful to everyone who has read and stuck by this story. It has been quite the journey for all of them and who knows…we might see Zemo and Bucky in the future and if we do, I could return! Do let me know what you think for one final time and thank you again!
