Something was different between Joey and Dawson that evening. Jen noticed it as the group lounged casually around Jack's living room, chatting easily over pizza and beer (water for Jen). The previous night, there had been a wall that separated the two old friends; a wall that was more sensed than seen. It was in the way they hardly ever met each other's eyes, in the way he stepped tentatively around her as if she was shielded by an electrical force field that threatened to shock him if he got too close. It was in the way she jumped like she'd been scalded when her hand accidentally brushed his.
And now that wall was gone. Now, they sat side by side on the floor, their shoulders almost touching and their backs braced against the couch where Pacey was sprawled out, glancing down at them occasionally with a look that told Jen without a doubt that he noticed the difference, too.
Doug had joined them when his shift was over, and now he was perched on the arm of Jack's chair, resting a hand affectionately on his shoulder. There was a light in Jack's eyes when he looked up at Doug, a sense of happiness, of rightness. Jen fixed the image in her mind, the two of them smiling at each other, all insecurities and fears and doubts forgotten and insignificant in the safety of this place among these people.
Stay that way. Stay happy, stay in love, stay together. Be a family.
The thought mildly surprised her, but she dismissed it and pried her attention away from Jack and Doug, back to Dawson, who was much more animated tonight than he had been at their Icehouse reunion. He regaled them with stories of production on his show, of casting mishaps and behind-the-scenes catastrophes, until they were all laughing as if life were always this easy and this good.
Even Pacey couldn't help laughing, though his gaze kept wandering back to her, taking in her radiant smile and the careless sweep of dark hair resting on her shoulders. Once, Jen saw him reach down and brush a finger lightly across that hair. Joey didn't notice. When he looked up and saw Jen watching him, he smiled a little sheepishly, and Jen gave him a solemn wink.
"Can't you make Sam a little less ... conflicted?" Joey asked. "I mean, come on, Dawson, I realize that I'm not known for always being rock-solid in my convictions, but I wasn't such a head case at that age, was I?"
"This is Sam, not Joey," Dawson said. "She's loosely based on you. Loosely being the key word. Nothing to be offended by."
"That's not going to hold up in court, buddy," Jack said. "Jimmy, your confused teenage homosexual who was forced out of the closet by the sadistic English teacher who made him read his imagery-laden poem to the whole class ... I'd have to say that's more than just a passing similarity."
"It's art imitating life, isn't that what you always say? Imitating our life," Joey said teasingly.
"Sometimes verbatim," Jen chimed in. "I have an hour-long bout of déjà vu every Wednesday night at eight o'clock."
"Seriously, man, were you recording our conversations back then? Because we might have some legal recourse if that's the case," Jack said. "We should at least get some royalties out of this deal, don't ya think?"
Pacey grinned. "Hey, I'm not complaining about Petey," he said. "That kid's a Witter in the making."
Doug frowned. "Speak for yourself, little brother. That kid's an ass, just like the guy he's 'loosely based' on."
Joey turned around and rolled her eyes at Pacey. "You're just happy because he's the only one on the show who's getting any."
"Oh, I seriously doubt the hot little blonde number from New York is as virginal as he's trying to make her out to be," Jen said, smiling. "The producer here would never depart from history that completely. So tell me, Mr. Leery, now that Lynn and Colby are broken up, is she going to return next season as a nymphomaniac with an alcohol problem, or what?"
"I can't give out that kind of information," he said good-naturedly. "Just promise not to get mad at me for anything that might happen to our friends on 'The Creek.' Remember the phrase 'creative license.' All of you."
Jen rolled her eyes. "Sure thing, Dawson. And you remember the phrase 'sue your ass for slander.'"
When at last the conversation was dying down and the laughter was beginning to give way to yawns, Joey suddenly spoke up in a much more serious tone.
"I'm going back to New York tomorrow," she said.
The announcement seemed to hang in the air for a few moments. Pacey froze with his beer bottle halfway to his mouth and stared at her. Dawson raised his eyebrows and took a deep breath. Jen could almost feel the surge of emotion that had shot through both of them upon hearing those words.
"Are you sure, Jo? Are you sure you're ready?" she asked quietly, trying unsuccessfully to read the expression in her friend's eyes.
"It's not really a matter of being ready," Joey said, studying her fingernails. "I have to get back to work. I have to ... take care of some things. I ... it's time."
"But you just got here," Dawson protested softly, suddenly sounding very young and vulnerable.
"I know," she said, her voice huskier than usual. "I would stay if I could. I can't." She turned slightly so that she could look at Pacey. With a visible effort, he gave her a little smile that seemed to physically hurt him.
"Of course you can't," he said in a funny tone. "The Big Apple awaits."
Joey's worried face relaxed a little. "Yeah," she said. "I guess it does."
The party died quickly after that, as if someone had pulled the plug. Jen suggested that the guys go in the kitchen and start cleaning up, and when they complied (which was surprising in itself), Jen took Joey by the arm and steered her outside onto the front porch.
"What's up?" Joey asked.
"That's what I was going to ask you, Jo."
"What do you mean?"
"Did you talk to Chris? Is that why you're going back?"
Joey looked at the ground.
Jen sighed heavily. "I see."
"No. No, you don't see, Jen," Joey protested sharply. "Look, I didn't think things through before I came back here. I just took off, like I always do. I shouldn't have done that. It wasn't fair to Christopher. It wasn't fair to ... to them." A glance back toward the house indicated, unnecessarily, what "them" she was referring to. "I never wanted to hurt them again, Jen! That's the last thing I wanted to do. I swear I didn't know they still had feelings for me. I thought that was all in the past. And I sure as hell didn't know that I ..." She broke off and bit down on her lip.
Jen held her gaze steadily. "What? Finish."
"I didn't know I still had feelings for him."
Jen didn't need to ask which "him" Joey meant. "Pacey."
Joey's eyes filled with tears, and she pressed a hand to her mouth to choke back a sob.
"What are you going to do?"
"I'm going back. I'm going to think about whether or not I should accept Christopher's proposal. It's the safest thing to do. It's the only way I can make sure that this really is all in the past. I've hurt them for the last time."
"That's the coward's way out, Joey." Jen looked at her friend with a strange mixture of anger and sympathy. "Don't try to dress it up as something noble."
Joey looked surprised, stung. "I love Chris."
Jen nodded. "Yeah, I'm sure you do," she said. "But you sound like you're trying to convince yourself."
"What's the matter with you, Jen? Why can't you just let it go and let me do what I need to do?"
Jen rolled her eyes, frustrated. "Because I love you, Joey. And I love Dawson and I love Pacey, and I hate this situation. It's been going on for far too many years for me to just stand by and keep my mouth shut, no matter how much you'd like me to make this easier on you. You guys made me an active participant in this triangle a long time ago, so whether or not you realize it, I do have a stake in this. I'm not going to stand in your way, but I'm not going to let you think I agree that you're doing the right thing, either. I think you're making a huge mistake that could cost you and Pacey the only happiness either of you might ever find."
The girls stood staring at each other for several long moments. The silence was broken when the door opened and Dawson and Pacey came out onto the porch.
"Uh, what do you think, Dawson, bad timing?" Pacey asked, looking from Jen to Joey and back.
"Maybe so, I'm definitely picking up a weird vibe."
"We didn't interrupt a cat fight, did we?" Pacey asked. "Because if we did, don't let us stop you. Carry on; we can referee."
Joey rolled her eyes. "No, Pace, don't get your hopes up. We were just talking."
Jen nodded. "Yeah. Yeah, and I think we were done. Right Jo?"
"Right."
Dawson took a deep breath and held his arms out to Joey. She leaned in and embraced him, and next to Jen, Pacey stiffened. "I hate to do this, but I'm exhausted. I've got to get home before I pass out. Will I see you at all tomorrow?"
"I'm leaving pretty early," she said.
"I'll get up earlier," he said. "I'll come by the B&B to see you off."
"You don't have to do that, Dawson."
"I know. I want to." He turned to Pacey and Jen. "See you guys tomorrow, too."
They watched him walk to his car. When he was starting out of the driveway, Jen faced the remaining two and fixed each of them with a meaningful stare. "I'm going to bed," she said. "Pace..."
He managed to tear his gaze away from Joey to look at her questioningly.
"Joey is leaving Capeside tomorrow," she said as if she were delivering this news for the first time. "She's going back to New York. Tomorrow."
He tried to smile, but the smile faltered in the face of her pointed, straightforward look. "So she is," he said. "I know."
Jen nodded. "All right then." She reached out to squeeze Joey's arm, patted Pacey on the back, and started inside. "Good night."
She felt like crying for them. She felt like screaming at them. "Life is short, love is hard to come by, and you're both idiots for throwing it away." That's what she wanted to say.
But she didn't. Instead, she went upstairs and began to undress. As she leaned over the sink to brush her teeth, she again thought of Jack and Doug, and the simplicity of the contentment she had seen in both sets of eyes as they sat together sharing friends and laughter and loving gestures. She was truly glad to see her best friend in the world so happy, she was ... but at the same time she felt a stab of sorrow, thinking of her own life, her own sorry love life that had come to a screeching halt in a tangle of bedsheets, a faulty condom, and a bitter spout of unchangeable words. She rinsed the toothpaste out of her mouth and looked at her reflection in the mirror, surprised to see tears on her cheeks.
And then there was another surprise, a sharp one. Something that felt like a red-hot ice pick shot through her chest, suddenly and without warning. She gasped and clutched the corner of the sink. Just as fleetingly, the pain was gone. It left her gasping for breath, and it left a dull burning sensation around her heart. This time, though, she didn't pass out. Not like the last time.
She reached up to rub her chest with her hand, taking in slow, deep breaths. She wondered what was wrong with her. She wondered if she even wanted to know.
