PPL, how can I thank u guys? Thanx 4 all the reviews…they've been very supportive….even if I don't like K/K, I don't like leaving ppl out in the cold, so u Kaoru fans, I won't make her suffer….BTW, I haven't read.the whole manga, or seen the whole anime, so this is purely, purely something from my head….but thanx anyways 4 the reviews..keep reviewing please….and maybe check out my other rurouni kenshin stories?
"Ken-san, may I speak with you?"
"Megumi-dono?"
"Ken-san, I get the feeling that your are not well."
"Don't let Kaoru's words worry you, Megumi-dono."
"No, it wasn't what Kaoru said. I think that you are not well emotionally."
"I…" I am speechless. Megumi-dono is very observant; I don't know how much longer can I lie to Kaoru.
"What is it?" she asks me. "I know that your life hasn't been easy, but I remember you saying that all your demons were put to rest five years ago. Was it a lie? Have they been catching up to you Ken-san?"
I shake my head. "It's…. I've been feeling a little overwhelmed, that is all."
"It's Kenji, right? His rejection?"
I say nothing.
"Don't worry Ken-san, he will pass that difficult age. It is only natural that he is more attached to his mother at this age. The mother is the most important person to a kid at his age, but don't doubt his love for you."
I give her a sad smile.
'Don't doubt his love for you.' Those words keep playing in my head. Don't doubt. How easy that sounds, but it is not doubt. It is the sad reality of my life.
"Thank you Megumi-dono." I say.
I am now living in a constant fear that Megumi-dono will see through my façade, and see what my eyes are trying to hide. She has always been a very perceptive person, but I do not think she has noticed yet. Then again, I got advice from the best actor I know.
If there was one thing that I learned from Soujiro-san was how to put up an effective charade.
When I felt that I could take it no longer and I was about to break, I took a little trip to Kyoto to visit my friends at the Aoyia, and to seek out Soujiro-san.
The only one that knows my true feelings is he, but I had to tell him. Soujiro-san lived his whole life hiding his feelings from his family in order to survive, and I needed to do the same.
Soujiro-san didn't judge me. He didn't say anything, he just listened.
'Kenshin-san, you have to let go of your feelings of guilt.' He said. Who would have thought that I was going to ask an eighteen-year-old child for advice in my complicated life?
'How can I? Every time I look at her smiling face, my heart breaks because I cannot give her the love she deserves. I can't even be a husband to her now, yet she doesn't question me or get irritated, she just worries.'
'Forgive and forget. Apparently you don't want to make her suffer, your only option is to forgive and forget.'
Forgive, and forget. How easy Soujiro-san made it sound, but he was a child after all, and his situation had been different from mine. He had not married anyone out of pity. It had been a mistake to come burden him with my problems.
'Kenshin-san, I respect you a lot, but if you ask me, learn to live with her. Not all marriages are based on love. Some are just compromise. Compromise.'
Yes, it was a compromise. That was my best choice. I had to compromise. I knew that I would never love her, but I was her husband, she was my wife, and I couldn't elude her forever.
"Kaoru, I know that I haven't been a good husband, but I want to apologize for that." I say.
I had just returned from my trip to Kyoto, and I was going to try and be the best husband ever. I had come to a decision long ago, no matter how unhappy I was, I would never terminate this marriage, but I would let Kaoru go if she found someone else to love and loved her back. Now, that resolve was even stronger. I couldn't hurt her any more, but I would not be the one to break her heart. I would take my unsaid feelings to the grave.
She gives me a tender smile, "You have never been a bad husband. You could never be a bad husband."
Tears come to my eyes, real tears of extreme sadness because of how good she is too me. How could she forgive me like that if I have been denying my husband duties for so long?
"I am just glad that you have returned to me. I'm so glad." She tells me teary-eyed.
I could see Kenji watching us from afar, a scowl on his young childish face. No matter how many people I can fool, I can never fool him.
'But I'll never hurt your mother and that is a promise.' I tell him in my thoughts. 'Please forgive me.'
That night, after many nights of being so close, yet so far, we consummated our marriage once again.
