Arashinobara:Mmmm... we're back! And if you squint hard (or not so hard) while reading this chapter, you should be able to spot allusions to several other popular mangadoms.
Chocolate-Obsessed (who is making a random appearance): If you squint, too, you'll see that this chapter barely covers half of what Arashi-chan had so recklessly promised last time...
Arashinobara: We-ell... that'd be why it says 'In the Next Few Instalments' instead of 'Next Chapter...'
Chocolate-Obsessed: Well, that's one way to cover your ass...
Arashinobara: -.-;; I get no respect. Not even from my darlingest of darlings Wifey Muffincake.
Chocolate-Obsessed: Wifey Muffincake me all you want, Dumpling. Just don't expect me to sit here and take with a spoonful of sugar the fact that you haven't delivered a promise.
Arashinobara: ...where be my Boogerbear? At least she's nicer. /Sniffles/
Mamori-chan (aka 'Boogerbear'): Lahlahlahlah... /happily writing a plushie-obsessed!Seto-chan scene/.
Arashinobara: ...well, there's that. Read, my daring friends, and review! Many glomps and kisses to thee!
Reality Check
A Yuugiou fanstory by Arashi no Mamori
Part Two – In Which Yami Gets Slapped
"AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGHHHHHHHHHHH!"
The shriek echoed loudly through the Crown Arcade. The customers, being fairly used to the neurotic blond's general, over-the-top reactions, paused only briefly to stare and take in the sight of Jounouchi Katsuya being chased about by a sadistically grinning Mutou Yami, before returning to their respective businesses.
The tricolour-haired teen was brandishing a magazine of questionable content, and his homophobic victim's blood pressure leapt through the roof as he tried to avoid running into other males and escape from Yami at the same time. Of course, both desires were thwarted with disappointing frequency, being as Jou's eyes were closed, and the Arcade was packed with gamers, at least three quarters of whom were of the from-Mars variety.
"KEEP HIM AWAY! GET HIM AWAY NOWNOWNOWNOWNOW!"
Mutou Yuugi, Kaiba Mokuba and Honda Hiroto were being supremely unhelpful.
"Got any twos?" Yuugi said, his voice thick through the chocolate cigar in his mouth.
"Go fish," Honda responded promptly. "Mokuba-kun, do you have any eights?" The youngest Kaiba grumbled, sliding two cards over. "Thanks. Do you have any aces?"
"Go fish. Any Jacks, Yuugi?"
"Damn!" Yuugi muttered, the chocolate falling from his mouth and onto the table. "Whoops." He slid three cards over to the brunet before going to pick up his half-eaten cigar, only to find it had disappeared. "What the –?"
And there was Ryou, eyeing him disapprovingly as he held the chocolate daintily between two layers of disinfectant wipes. "My goodness, Yuugi. You weren't thinking about putting this back in your mouth, were you?"
Yuugi groaned as he watched his snack being tossed unceremoniously into the nearest bin. "I had hoped," he mumbled. "I abide by the five second rule –"
Ryou gasped, obviously aghast. "But the germs!"
"I can survive a few little, local micro-organisms, Ryou," Yuugi said dully. "What, Mokuba!"
"I said DO YOU HAVE ANY KINGS!" the impatient ten-year-old yelled.
"GO FISH!" Yuugi hollered back. "So, Honda, any nines?"
Honda never got the chance to reply; Jou's flying leap to escape Yami resulted in a rather spectacular crash, knocking all the cards askew from their owner's hands and scattering the poker chips everywhere.
In the ensuing silence, Furuhata Motoki, the teenage manager of the Crown Arcade, stalked up to the terrified Jou and sheepish Yami. "So."
Yami attempted an innocent smile. "So... what?"
"Mamoru-kun, lend me a hand, will you?"
With the aid of his dark-haired best friend, the blond manager dragged a hyperventilating Jou and sweatdropping Yami out by their collars, and dumped them unceremoniously on the pavement outside the gaming centre.
"And don't let me catch you in here again!" To add insult to injury, Yami's magazine was tossed into his face before falling open to one of the more graphic pictorial displays. Catching sight of the images in question, Jou squeaked before fainting cleanly away.
Mamoru's expression was sympathetic as he lingered to speak to the booted teens. "Motoki-kun's just stressed. Earlier, there was some guy who caused quite a stir – the kid turned into a girl when one of the waiters spilled a glass of water and lemon on him. I think Motoki was just a tad traumatised." He flashed a sweet smile at Yami. "Come back in a few hours. I'm sure he'll have cooled down by then."
Yami smiled back, all embarrassment gone as he eyed the older teen up, noting the well-worn pink shirt and khakis, the rakish, raven's-wing hair and deep blue eyes. "Mmmm... you wouldn't happen to be single, would you?"
The black-haired nineteen-year-old blinked before turning a fetching shade of red. "Well... I have a girlfriend... a very beautiful girlfriend," he added resolutely, a shit-eating grin suddenly appearing on his reserved features.
Yami sighed theatrically as he yanked a reawakened Jou to his feet, the blond immediately pulling away to wipe his hands on his jeans. "Another reason to hate girls. What a waste. You know, your eyes remind me of a friend of mine..."
"No one wants to hear about Kaiba Noa, Yami no baka," Jou said snidely, starting off down the street. Yami batted his eyelashes briefly at Mamoru before jogging to catch up with the blond homophobe.
Chiba Mamoru was left to scratch his head in vague incomprehension before wandering back into the Crown Arcade to help sooth his friend's shattered nerves.
"Right, so this Martian gets into a bar, right? And there's this dude there already. And the dude's all, like 'Yo, it's a little green man!' And he says 'hi' to the Martian and the Martian waves a hand at the dude, and the dude sees that the Martian's got this weird bump on one of his fingers." Honda wriggled his index finger at his audience for emphasis. Several people tittered.
Rolling his eyes, Yuugi looked up as his brother entered. "He still at it?" Yami complained, flopping onto a beanbag and wincing as the studs on his leather shirt pressed uncomfortably into his skin. "Damnit!"
"...and then the Martian poked the dude, like so: bzzt!" Honda jabbed happily at Jou, who shuffled further away. "...right. And the dude got all pissed off and was all 'Stop it, you ass!' So the Martian left him alone for a few minutes, then poked him again. Bzzt."
"Is there a point to this story?" Ryou wondered.
"He always takes about five minutes to get to the punch line," Yuugi answered absently, eyes fixed unerringly on Honda's dark hair, now free of gel and framing his face attractively. Still, Yuugi thought that the substances the hairdressers used to fix Honda's hair into that obnoxious spike could very well be flammable, and decided right there and then to find out at the next available opportunity. Honda wouldn't hurt him when Yami was around – it was just a matter of the pyromaniacal younger Mutou persuading Yami to become an accomplice in his grand plan...
"...and the dude got even more pissed off and said 'Dude, if you fucking touch me again, I'll fucking cut your Martian balls off'. So the Martian stopped for a while... and then poked him again. Bzzt." This time, Jou anticipated Honda's prod and dodged out of the way before his friend could touch him. Honda stared blankly before shrugging and continuing with the story:
"Then the dude grabbed the alien's pants and yanked it down, and then stopped. 'Fucking-'ey,' he says. 'You don't have... how do you do it?' And the Martian gives him this look, right..."
Yami suddenly began grinning. "Oh, I can see where this is going," he said quietly, nudging his younger brother.
"...and pokes the dude. Bzzt."
Honda's audience, which included a good half of the cast members present, groaned loudly before bursting into laughter.
"I think that was your worst one yet, Honda-kun," Yuugi sighed.
The cast was gathered in a large room for the production meeting. Already, Yami could spot several new faces – there was a pleasant-faced, white-haired man in overalls, and an ugly-as-shit guy with features resembling some twisted sample of edible tuber. An extra of some sort, he hoped.
Anzu was gossiping contentedly with one of the extras, and the only person who seemed to be missing was The New Kaiba. Deciding to ask after him, Yami nudged a still-sniggering Mokuba. "Mokuba-chan? Do you know when your brother is arriving? He is coming, right?"
"Of course he is," Mokuba said, an insulted expression flashing briefly over his young face. "'Niisama's about the most dedicated person you'll find! We've still got ten minutes before it begins – he'll be here, you'll see."
Yami blinked. Mokuba was evidently as fond of The New Kaiba as he had been of The Old One. "I see. Well –"
"And he's good-looking, Yami-kun," Mokuba interrupted, a wicked gleam shining in his huge, purple-grey eyes. "You'll like him."
Yami closed his mouth, embarrassed. "I –"
"'Niisama!"
Yami blinked at the suddenly-unoccupied cushion. "Mokuba-chan?" He turned around, and all the air left his lungs.
One-improbability-drive, two-improbability-drive, three-improbability-drive –
Breathe, you moron.
Yami sucked in a lungful of air and choked. Someone was thumping away on his back, and he gasped desperately. "Fuck..." he managed to say. "Stop... Godsdamnit, you're killing me!"
As his view was un-blocked and his brain began to function again, Yami felt the salivary glands in his mouth go into overdrive.
Kaiba Seto was beautiful.
They'd make lovely babies together. Damned shame one of them wasn't female. Maybe a Petri dish baby? But they'd still need that double-ex thing...
"Yami," Yuugi hissed in his catatonic brother's ear, "ix-nay on the ooling-dray."
"Seth's booming balls, Yuugi," Yami whisper-yelled as he found his voice, eyes still fixed on Kaiba. The boy was tall, with errant chestnut locks spilling tantalisingly into his eyes... those gorgeous eyes...
Okay, granted he couldn't see them at this distance, but Yami was willing to bet the family jewels that Kaiba's eyes were as incredible as the rest of the brunet.
"He's like an iris, Yuugi," Yami murmured dreamily, "all slender, delicate beauty and pale-dark contrast..."
Yuugi gave up. When Yami fell in lust, he fell hard (no pun intended), and the younger Mutou knew he wasn't about to get anything sensible out of his brother until he either dropped one of his horrible pick-up lines and got rejected, or came to his senses after passing out from dehydration – dribbling over other guys would do that to you. "Here," the purple-eyed boy sighed, pulling a handkerchief from his pocket and handing it to his starry-eyed sibling. "Knock yourself out."
"Mmmm..." 'Gods almighty! He's coming this way!'
Indeed, Mokuba was tugging his much-taller brother over to the bulk of the group, presumably to make introductions. The look on Kaiba's face was less-than-enthusiastic, but that could have something to do with the fact that... well. Yami-tachi were hardly the sanest people around, and their current actions rather hinted at that.
Ryou was shrieking loudly because Jou had stolen his antibacterial wash and had poured half the contents on a desk, explaining that he was curious as to how quickly it could evaporate. Honda was now doing a hop-skip routine with Ryou's pacifist twin brother, Bakura Lateef, and Yuugi was currently attempting to strike a spark against a small pyrite ornament using the nib from some pen.
'Wonderful first impressions we give, ne?'
The white-haired guy in overalls stood suddenly, grinning wildly. "Kaiba-kun, it's a pleasure! I had no idea you were going to dust off the costume – not after that your stint as... Aoshi, was it? His understudy, I believe."
Kaiba smiled, a slow, sweet lifting of the corners of his mouth.
Yami pressed Yuugi's handkerchief hastily to his mouth. 'Hathor's spit, Noa stands no fucking chance!'
"A trifle. I didn't expect Aoshi himself to fall ill two weeks into the shooting. How about you, Crawford-san? I thought you were going to retire after being Kunzite – something about Cyndia-'basan not liking the way you played cozy with that Zoisite character."
Pegasus waved a hand in airy dismissal. "That's because she doesn't speak Japanese – she only ever saw the dubbed version, and they got some hoarse-throated female to go over the poor boy's lines. Something about my country being a little too sensitive about homosexuality."
Yami fidgeted. 'Ignore the artist dude. Look at me, look at me, look-at-me-look-at-me, fucking LOOK AT ME, DAMNIT!'
Kaiba turned, and Yami's thoughts were abruptly derailed as his red eyes were met with profound azure.
'...hah! I keep my balls!'
His eyes were beautiful. And just to let Kaiba know it, Yami lidded his own gaze and smiled lazily at him.
Hello, the smile said. I'm interested in getting into your pants. Right here. Right now.
For a moment, there was silence in the room, all amused eyes on Yami and the (obvious) current victim of his affections. Then...
"Hi," Yami drawled huskily. "I'm afraid I must be lost – I thought Paradise was at least a little further South."
Someone sniggered. Otherwise, the room was completely silent.
Kaiba blinked, mouth parting in surprise. "Uhhh," he said intelligibly. "What?"
"I'm hitting on you," Yami told him helpfully. "Allow me to continue: 'if you're against premarital sex, I'm sure we can get a priest on short notice to take care of the pre-marital bit. Producer Akhenaden is one, you know."
More titters. And yet, when Yami turned 'round to glare at the perpetrators, he was met with a sea of grave faces.
The taller, hit-upon boy stared. "I –"
Deciding to ignore the laughter rippling through the room, Yami pressed his advantage gleefully. "Well... I think we'd look really good together atop a wedding cake. What say you, Hanashoubu?"
A unanimous, gleeful, anticipating gasp from the crew.
Kaiba Seto's eyebrows drew together in indignation, and Yami's head snapped back at the slap. The brunet then stalked over to the nearest available seat (which happened to be the beanbag next to Yami) and plonked himself into it, still scowling.
Lifting a hand dreamily to his reddening cheek and sighing, Yami looked eagerly at his brother, who was fighting laughter. "Did you see that?" Yami mouthed. "He touched me. Of his own accord!"
Honda rolled his eyes. "Good grief, Yami-kun – you must have missed out on where he inflicted physical damage to your face?"
Yami wasn't listening. "And he's sitting next to me!"
"And 'he' has ears, Mutou Yami," Kaiba's voice cracked through the air like a whip. "Ears that can hear every word you're saying."
The infatuated teen showed a remarkable resistance to the taller one's scorching glare. "He deems me important enough to eavesdrop on!" Yami grinned stupidly before turning to the fuming brunet. "And such lovely ears they are, Hanashoubu."
"Will you stop calling me that!"
Yuugi and Mokuba covered Honda's mouth before dragging the taller boy to the other side of the room. "Don't bother," the shorter Mutou brother ordered. "Let him ride out his little obsession. He'll be falling in lust with another cute guy within the week. In the meantime, Mokuba, make sure your brother eats plenty – Yami'll chase him ragged until this blows over."
Mokuba grinned, recalling the particularly interesting episode in which the Kaiba character had made its first appearance. Having formed a vague interest in the aqua-haired boy, Yami initiated a game of footsie with Noa under the table while they 'duelled'. The camera men had ruined several takes with their snickering until Director Dartz had finally lost his temper and scolded the two teens silly.
"I know," the raven-haired Kaiba replied in response to Yuugi's earlier statement. "But my 'Niisama may surprise you. He was probably more insulted at Yami-kun giving him a nickname after less than half a minute after they first meet, than at Yami hitting on him."
Yuugi gave the increasingly desperate-looking Kaiba Seto a considering look. "Oh?"
"Yep. He likes shorter guys."
They both turned to look at Kaiba, who was easily the tallest person present. "Huh. That's only the entire Japanese populace, minus Marilyn."
"Well... maybe. 'Niisama hasn't hit his growth spurt yet."
Yuugi sniggered. "Heehee... spurt."
Mokuba looked at him strangely.
"Uhhh... right."
They were silent for a while longer. "Well. While we're waiting for Marilyn, Milo and Mischa to arrive and begin our lovely little production meeting..." Yuugi whipped out a deck of Pokémon cards. "I bet my Charizard could beat your Mewtwo's ass."
Mokuba's eyes lit up as he drew out his own Psychic and Water combo deck. "Oooh, those are fighting words."
Yuugi hesitated. "You sure you don't want to rescue your brother?"
The younger boy rolled his eyes, slapping down a Goldeen. "What, 'Niisama? He'll either learn to enjoy your 'niichan's attention or he'll beat the crap out of him. Either way, he can take care of himself."
The tricolour-haired boy smiled contentedly, slipping a Machop forward to face Mokuba's goldfish Pokémon. "Oh, okay. Just making sure."
"Yeah, yeah, whatever. Battle!"
"Well, that was a waste of time," Mazaki Anzu groused as she and the Mutous waited for the bus to come. The production meeting had been particularly tedious, the brunette's nerves driven to their last endurance. "These damn things usually take about three or four hours, so will someone please explain exactly why we went two freakin' hours overtime!"
"Calm yourself, Anzu-chan," Sugoroku said calmly. "I'm sure it was an accident that all the mad, rabid, frothing-at-the-mouth albino ferrets got out of the prop department. It's only reasonable that the crew was enlisted to recapture them."
"Very well, 'jiichan," she said politely. "Then will someone tell me just how someone managed to trip and somehow slam their thick head into the fire alarm? They might have been a leetle distracted, and perhaps it might have something to do with a certain actor-cum-business-empire-heir, hmmm? What a genius... I think my skirt is still wet from the sprinklers..."
Yami remained pleasantly oblivious to her pointed glare. "Hanashoubu..." he sighed longingly.
"Disgusting," Anzu concluded. She pulled out her copy of the script. "And look at this? As if it weren't enough playing the part of the hapless damsel in distress way too many times during the last season, I have to be a friendship-obsessive freak on top of it!"
"I don't know," Sugoroku commented, snagging the script and flipping absently through it. "I'm a little more concerned about this 'Heart of the Cards' nonsense... seems to me that it should be called the 'Deux ex Machina of the Cards' instead."
"Don't over-analyse it so, 'jiichan," Yuugi said brightly, "And why did you sign up for this part if you don't like it, Anzu-chan? Don't get me wrong, you're a lovely actress... but why didn't you go for that Sailorjupiter role that was open at around the same time? It seems more suited to your independent personality."
Anzu blushed uncharacteristically, looking hastily away. "Well, you see..."
"She's madly in love with you, and she hasn't been able to tell you that she doesn't want to be seen as the girl next door any more, so she decided to follow you into the drama industry," Yami said, though his tone was a little too bland for Yuugi to take seriously.
Above the shorter boy's head, Anzu shot her crush's brother a quietly furious look that promised retribution. Yami merely smiled dreamily back and decided that Kaiba Seto's eyes were much nicer than Anzu's were. Plus, Kaiba was male, and no amount of pretty eyes on Anzu's part was going to make Yami go straight, or even bi. She was simply too Amazon-esque... and antisocial, to boot.
Yami then realised how pointless this train of thought was, being that it included Anzu and took up valuable time where he could be obsessing over his real Desired One. "Mmmm..."
"If you mention 'Hanashoubu' again, I will deck you," Anzu threatened.
From: Quietly Despairing
To: Oonie had better be pristine
Subject: I can't do this!
Noa no bakayarou, I can't do this. The script is such shite... I have to rip up a card. A Blue Eyes White Dragon card! How can I face Ouja, Joou, Jakku or Oonie if I did something so horrendous? They'd never forgive me! I'll burn in the darkest of Duel Monster Hells for it!
And as if this emotional trauma isn't enough, I have to be stalked by Mutou Yami on top of all this! Granted he looks good enough to eat when indulging in his leather fetish, considers two-inch heels on knee-high boots to be comfortable, possesses the deepest eyes I've ever had the fortune to look into, and... and...
I just can't take it. He's too hot. And he's pursuing me in the most perverse way possible. And I have to rip up a Blue Eyes. I won't!
Seto-chan
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: Blinking Rapidly
To: The Despairing One
Subject: Re: I can't do this!
That made absolutely no sense.
You're joking, right? This is all just a pathetic play on your part to get me to feel sorry enough for you to return Oonie... right?
And I know Yami's hot, Seto. I didn't get nearly enough stare-time while on the set or off it. What's wrong with him going after you? I'll admit, this sucks – I'd rather hoped I'd leave him heartbroken. I didn't expect him to hit on my baby brother less than four days after my departure.
As for the Blue Eyes... it's just a card, Seto-chan. The Blue Eyes White God will not strike you down for killing her two-dimensional, fictional children.
Noa
P.S. No quitting. One: you signed a contract. Two: Yami will be heartbroken. Three: I still have Oonie.
--
It's aqua, not lime.
From: A little more cheerful
To: Is that a bug in your eye?
Subject: Re(2): I can't do this!
One: Contracts can be lost, burned or shredded.
Two: Is it wrong to be happy that I can break his heart? Mmmm... I wonder if he doesn't deserve it.
Three: I've signed up. I've taken your place. Now can I have Oonie back?
Lastly: Fictional? Fictional? I'll have you know, Noa, that Ouja, Joou and Jakku are extremely insulted. They are clamouring for your death by Burst Stream. And if there is a God, it's most certainly a Dragon. Dragons pwn all.
Seto-chan
--
Time cools, time clarifies; no mood can be maintained quite unaltered through the course of hours. In the meantime, don't piss me off – I'm running out of places to hide the bodies.
From: Nah, just some dust
To: The Happy One
Subject: Re: Re(2): I can't do this!
...did you just say 'pwn'?
Noa
--
It's aqua, not lime.
Note by Arashinobara: Well? How was it? State your favourite and least favourite parts in a review, so I'll know what to expound upon and avoid next time. This fic is one that is written by the audience as much as myself, because my sense of humour is twisted enough that I have to be careful I don't offend some people with it.
Kaiba's more offended by Yami's usage of a nickname than of his advances.
Lateef, Bakura's given name, means 'gentle'. I thought it beautifully ironic. Hanashoubu, the name by which Yami calls Kaiba, means 'blue iris' (shoubu being iris). Yes, iris as in the flower, not the eyethinggeh.
My father is a movie director (don't ask me what movies he does, because I don't know. Until recently I never showed much of an interest in them before – I think he almost had a heart attack when I actually began pestering him with questions for this fic), so most of the procedures in the fic regarding shooting or procedure are true... if not, then I'll make a note of it below telling you exactly where I bullshitted it. -.-;;
A production meeting is generally the first time new actors meet old, etc, etc. The production meeting covers an introduction of the crew (cast members, directors, assistants, camera men/women, etc) before stating the schedule. A Director's speech then follows, and then a sort of 'Rule of the Game', which specifies focus and what dangers there may be. For example, if the movie/series focuses on stunts or graphics or whatever, then the Director may warn or caution or 'whatever'. The Director or Producer will also likely mention a 'boss' or a 'sponsor'.
Some production meetings include some parts of a script read-through, and I've decided to include it in this one, for obvious reasons. However, the script read-through usually depends on the budget, the time constraints and whether or not the cast needed needs the time. Being professionals, they usually only get the script a few days ahead of time, and should be able to do as they are needed on the set itself to the Director's liking. I doubt scripts are handed out during the production meetings itself, but... m'eh.
And that's it! PLEASE REVIEW! I'm such a needy writer...
In the next few instalments...
More of the cast's disgust with regards to the script;
Why the Hell the cast insists on referring to Casting Director Panik Shinrou as 'Marilyn', Director Dartz as 'Milo' and Akhenaden as 'Mischa';
Why Ouja, Joou, Jakku and Oonie was what Kaiba named his beloved plushie dolls;
Yami gets slapped for his corny pick-up lines. Again. And again. And again...;
Shooting begins!;
And more! Just wait...
Stay tuned,
Arashinobara
