Episode 15: Yes Men
Part One


In the desert, Jimmy drove up to a bar with a sign for a bar:

Rosie's Desert Oasis: Hops – Hogs – Honeys

All the bikers in the parking lot looked up as Jimmy hopped out of the car, leaving Lorelei in the passenger seat.
"I've got to grab something really quick," he said. "I'll be right back, my love." He walked away as Lorelei looked around at all the bikers, one seemed especially interested.

Lorelei got out of the car, and they all mumbled around her.
"Look at that," a biker said. Another stood. "Hey darlin'," he drawled. "Gal like you could have any man you want. Why did you marry that little dude? He loaded?" She looked at the biker then to where Jimmy disappeared.
"He's not my husband. I took him from his bride earlier today. I needed him to provide safe passage."
"You in trouble? Cause if you need a place to lay low for a while, this is as good as any."

A bike started up nosily behind him and she startled.
"Oh!" She watched as it started away. "What kind of beast is that?"
"It's a 1987 Heritage Softail. You can hop on mine if you want to feel a roar." He turned back to his bike, wiping on it with a towel in his hand.

Lorelei walked to it and stroked it with a hand as well.
"How grand. What is your name?" Lorelei asked.
"My men, they call me Rooster," the biker said.
"You have men? You are their leader?"
Rooster laughed, "Last time I checked, yeah."

This got her interest and she smiled at him, reaching out, putting a hand on his shoulder. Just as with Jimmy, when she spoke, her voice got a strange echo to it.
"You and your men now serve me." Rooster's face fell as he took in whatever she just did to him.

Jimmy appeared right next to Lorelei.
"This guy bothering you?" Jimmy asked.
"No," Lorelei answered. "He's with me now." Jimmy looked up at her with surprise. "
What? No! I'm with you! You said we'd be together forever, remember?"
"I said we'd be together 'til the end," Lorelei corrected. "It is the end."

With a sweep of her arm, Jimmy went airborne into his car. He bounced off it and ended up on the other side of it as the men all murmured about what just happened.
"Who are you?" Rooster asked.
"I'm Lorelei. Now…" She turned and looked at all the bikers who had gathered. "Introduce me to all my men."


Skye lay on her bed, looking very bored. She sighed then looked around and started to take the cover off her body. She got her feet off the side of the bed and sat upright, stretching. She was just about to stand when Simmons appeared at the window of the pod, tapping on the glass.
"No! What did I say?"

With a sigh, Skye frowned.
"Damnit. Every time." Simmons opened the door and entered. "It's like you have a sensor for whenever my butt lifts off the bed."
"Back in it," Simmons ordered. "I just want to stretch my legs."
"Now!"
"Look!" Skye exclaimed. She light smacked herself on the cheek. "There's color in my cheeks."

Simmons stood next to her, gently pushing her back down onto the bed.
"I'm breathing without…" Skye made a strained noise as she shifted deeper into the bed. "… feeling like my whole body's on fire. I'm good." Simmons chucked as she held up the blanket for Skye to put her feet back under.
""Good" is not the appropriate word to describe your state."

Skye got back under the covers and Simmons moved them back up to her stomach.
"You've been shot twice, had your stomach perforated, and a breathing tube shoved down your throat. "Better" is a more accurate word."
"Sara was shot too, yet I don't see her stuck in a bed."
"Yes, but Ward and Fitz have been hovering over her to the point where she escapes to her room to be alone, therefore resting. And she gets tired after just a few steps." Simmons put a vial into a port of Skye's arm, drawing out some blood.
"Again, with the blood drive? I'm not gonna have anything left."

Simmons chuckled.
"Not sure how I feel about Dr. Simmons," Skye said. "She's so strict." Simmons smiled and yanked out the vial of blood a bit too rough. "Ow, and pokey."
"Well, patient Skye is unruly and stubborn." Skye gave him a smile.
"And grateful… I hope you know that."
"It was mostly Sara," Simmons said.
"Still, I'm the most… "grateful-est-est" patient alive."Skye laughed as Simmons made a face.
"That's… not even a word."

Sara appeared in the doorway, knocking with a small smile.
"Hey." Simmons looked at her as Skye shifted in her bed. "This a bad time?" Skye looked at Simmons.
"It is if you're here to bust me out." As she spoke, she had an accent like Simmons and Sara, a very, very bad one. "The warden has extended house arrest." Simmons scoffed as Sara grimaced.
"Ugh, awful accent," Sara groaned.

After watching Simmons walk away, Sara glanced at Skye, who had put a hand to her face and groaned.
"Oh, I must look terrible!" She laughed as she ran her hands through her hair. "Simmons won't even bring me a mirror." Sara smiled softly as a pair of arms went around her waist. He barely touched her, being cautious with the bandages around her waist.
"I've seen worse," Ward said.
"Wow. Thanks." Sara hit his shoulder and he retracted his words.
"No, I mean, you look better than when you were dying."

Sara laughed as Skye's smile grew bigger.
"Swinging and a-missing, Ward," Skye teased. He sighed and gave her a sincere smile.
"It's great to see you better," Sara told her. Skye sighed as she noticed Ward being extremely careful with Sara's side.
"It was so stupid to pull you in there, Sara, I'm sorry," she said.
"Hey, there's no point in doing that now," Sara shook her head.
"I agree," Ward said. "Thanks to you, every S.H.I.E.L.D. agent in the country knows Mike Peterson's alive."

Skye glanced at Sara.
"You tell them about his magic leg?"
Sara rolled her eyes, "I didn't call it that, but yes. Agent Garrett's running point on Mike. Thinks he's part of some project called Deathlok."
"He looked like death," Skye told Ward. "You should have… he wouldn't even look at us. They did something to him. He needs help."

Ward's face grew upset.
"He's past help. He was there with you, Skye – could have protected you. He let this happen to you and Sara and I'll never forgive him."
"Well, I-I need to better protect myself, so… when Simmons gives me all clear, we'll start training again?" Ward smiled and nodded.
"We'll ease you back into it."
"No," Skye said quickly. "I want to train harder. Next time I don't want to depend on some miracle drug to save me."

Sara and Ward exchanged matching looks before shrugging at Skye.
"We'll ease you back into it," Sara repeated, holding up a hand when Skye went to argue. "Skye, you almost died. Take the time to rest now because there might not be time later."

The younger woman grumbled under her breath.
"What was that?" Ward asked, raising an eyebrow.
"I said, you don't know that." Sara rolled her eyes.
"You don't know everything, Skye. Remember that." Skye gulped at the firmness in Sara's words.


Fitz looked up as Simmons entered the lab.
"She's beginning to get suspicious of all the blood I'm taking," she told him.
"No wonder," Fitz said, glancing at the two vials in Simmons hands. "How many samples have you tested each day?"
"Not enough," Simmons said. "Not enough to find anything in her blood or Coulson's."

Simmons picked up the vial Fitz got in the underground facility marked G.H. -325. It was drained dry.
"There isn't ample residue remaining in the vial to examine after we emptied it into her bloodstream. Such a pity you only found one." Fitz looked up surprised from his work.
"Well, excuse me for not sticking around long enough to get blown to pieces."

With a sigh, she turned to face him.
"It's just that the last sample of this miracle drug is inside Skye." Fitz stopped working and walked around the table closer to Simmons. "You can't find any trace of it?"
"No," Simmons said. "She's heading at an exponential rate, but I can't detect anything irregular on a cellular level." "
And you've explained to Coulson that you need to upload the samples to H.Q.?"
She nodded, "He shut me down, said to keep it in house."

She scoffed, "I mean this drug could be a phenomenal breakthrough, could save countless lives. Why is he being so twitchy?" Fitz looked lost in thought, his eyes focused on a random spot.
"Well, you were down in the bunker with him. Did you see anything peculiar?"
"Everything was peculiar," Fitz answered. He turned, walking away, leaving a confused Simmons to look after him.


Coulson sat in Lola inside a parking garage. Another car pulled in and pulled up right beside him. The person driving the car was Agent Sitwell. Sitwell put his car into park and rolled down his window, then turned off his engine.
"You know, usually when a friend wants a favor, they do something nice, takes me to a nice restaurant, buys me a bottle of wine," Sitwell said.
"You want to go to a movie, hold hands?" Coulson asked. "Okay. But I need to ask you a question first."
"I don't know where Director Fury is," Sitwell said.

Coulson just smiled at him.
"Don't be so shocked. For a quiet guy, you make a lot of noise. How many favors have you called in?"
"Clearly, not enough," Coulson said.
"Something I can help you with?" Sitwell asked. Coulson still just smiled. "Fine, but Fury is a high-level agent who's off-grid. You don't find him unless he wants to find you. You did something like that once, too. Remember? I never asked you. How was Tahiti?" Coulson put on his sunglasses.
"It sucked." He started up Lola and drove away.


May stood in front of the holocom as the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo rotated in red light.
"New orders," she told the team. "S.H.I.E.L.D.'s detecting massive energy readings in the skies above the California/Nevada border."
"Where's Coulson?" Sara asked.
"Taking personal time," May said.
"That's a couple days straight," Ward said. May shot him a look. "
These are the same readings Dr. Selvig, and Dr. Foster picked up in New Mexico and in London," Simmons said. "They herald the arrival of an Asgardian."

Fitz' mouth dropped open in shock and he looked at the others excitedly.
"Thor?" Fitz asked.
"Not sure," May said. "Either way, S.H.I.E.L.D. wants us to be the Welcome Wagon."
"O-okay. Fine. No cause for concern, right?" He pointed at Ward. "Asgardians are allies."
"Loki wasn't," Ward reminded him before leaving the room.


A long line of black SUVs and cars, all marked with the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo drove down the road. May was behind the wheel of one of the SUVs, with Ward in the passenger seat. He investigated the back.
"Fitz?" Fitz was in the backseat with his trusty tablet, he saw the energy reading.
"Yeah, we're definitely getting close, but it's a bit of a crap shoot. This is still science we don't completely understand."
"Seems to be a lot of that going around lately," Ward sighed.

Ward leaned his head closer to May.
"So, Coulson hasn't talked to you? About why he changed his mind on giving Skye that injection?" May's face showed her surprise at his question.
"No. He's keeping it to himself."
"Whoa!" Fitz exclaimed. "I'm getting a massive energy surge." The circle on his tablet had increased in diameter. "Three times the level of the one before."
"How close?" May asked.

The sky above them opened and a circle of light hit the road right in the front of the lead SUVs. May hit the brakes hard and turned the wheel. The Bifrost closed in the center of the Asgard symbol kneeled Sif, sword in hand and a determined look on her face. She stood as May, Ward, and all the other soldiers and agents in the other SUVs got out.
"Yeah, definitely Asgardian."
"Running facial recognition."

Sif looked around, taking in her surroundings and the people in front of her, assessing her next move. There was a beep on Fitz' tablet as the program locked on Sif's face and pulled up a picture of her from where she was on Earth in New Mexico with Thor.
"Okay, got it. I don't have a name, but I can confirm she was in New Mexico fighting with Thor and his mates."

While Fitz gave them the lowdown on Sif, she saw the S.H.I.E.L.D. logo on the door that Ward stood behind. She began walking toward them.
"She's on our side," Fitz said.
"Stand down," May said through her intercom.
"She's a friendly." Sif walked up to them. "You are of S.H.I.E.L.D.?"
"Yeah…" Ward said slowly.
"I am Lady Sif of Asgard. Your world is in grave danger."


Sif opened the door to an SUV in the cargo hold of The Bus. She looked around as she got out, elbowing the door shut. Ward indicated which way she should go, but she was already going. Fitz led her into the lab with Ward following.


Coulson stood on the catwalk with Sara and May as the others passed under them.
"She's a warrior. I saw her fight in New Mexico with Thor – climbed a giant metal killing machine, speared it with her double-bladed sword." He and May nodded appreciatively as Sara rolled her eyes at them. "It was pretty bad ass," Coulson said.
"She says she needs S.H.I.E.L.D. to help her find someone. You up for this?" May asked.
"I'm fine."

He gave her a sincere look then started down the steps.
""Fine" doesn't look like this," Sara said. "Not on you." He paused to listen to her. "You've been gone more often than not… Whatever's bothering you… We're here."
"I know." He gave his daughter a little smile then started down the steps.


Sif was at the large monitor as Coulson walked into the lab.
"What dark magic is this?" Sif asked. She looked around the lab as she put her hand to her sword. "Thor said you perished at the hand of Loki."
"And he was right… for a while anyway." She took her hand off her sword and looked at him with shock. "But Loki wasn't the only one with some tricks up his sleeves. Turns out S.H.I.E.L.D. had a few of their own."

He walked around the table and stood in front of Sif.
"Thor will be pleased to hear it. He considers you a friend."
"I feel the same, which is why I'd prefer if he heard it from me, if that's okay." She nodded once at him. "I understand you're looking for someone."
"I am hunting her," Sif corrected. "Lorelei. 600 years ago, she used her powers to wreak havoc across the nine realms, to command armies, bring down kings empires."
"What kind of powers are we talking about?" Ward asked.

The team and Sif looked over to Ward, who had his arms around Sara's shoulders.
"Strength? Speed?" Sif shook his head.
"Sorcery." Ward's eyebrows drew up in surprise as he nodded a bit. "She bends and shapes the will of men to her own purpose."
"Only men?" Sara asked. "Her powers don't work on women?"
"No. Men have an inherent weakness we do not share." Both May and Sara smirked, nodding their heads to the truth of that.
"I can't imagine what she's talking about," Fitz told Ward, who made a face, agreeing with Fitz.

Sif glanced at the two of them.
"The very sound of her voice can ensnare most. For the rare man who can resist, it's her voice joined by her though that will overpower his will." Sara smirked up at Ward.
"Ah… can't resist." He rolled his eyes at her.
"So, how do we stop her?" Coulson asked. Sif grabbed something off her belt and held it up to Coulson. It looked like either a necklace or a crown.
"With this," Sif answered.

Setting it down on the table, she frowned at it.
"It prevents her from speaking. She wore one like it for centuries while locked in prison. She escaped when the Dark Elves invaded Asgard and came here using one of Loki's secret pathways between worlds."
"Do we know where she is now?" Ward asked.
"All I know is the Bifrost delivered me to her last known location."
"Mostly small towns out of the way," Coulson said.
"Let's start looking for unusual activity within a few hundred-mile radius. Burglary, theft, assault. If this woman's used to rule over empires… she's gonna be hard to please."


A bag of money was dumped onto the table and Lorelei frowned.
"I wanted gold!" She angrily picked up a wad of cash.
"You bring me… paper!" Rooster caught it when she threw it at him.
"It's – it's cash," he chuckled. "It's like Gold. This is the currency here." He unfolded a bill and showed it to her.
"And who is this ugly woman?" Lorelei asked.
"Uh, that's – that's uh, Ben Franklin. Used to be president. Used to rule this whole country."

She took the pile of cash out of his hands and looked at it.
"And women can rule your land, can they not?" Lorelei asked.
"Well, uh, y-you'd be the first."
"Yes." She shoved the bills inside the bust area of her shirt. "I will."

The door was suddenly shoved open, and an angry woman entered, looking around.
"What the hell, Duane!" she snapped. Rooster turned to the door as Lorelei looked at a crown that he'd bought for her. One of the bikers tried to stop the woman's path, but she shoved him aside on her away to Rooster.
"Move! Move!"

She made it to Rooster and shook a finger in his face.
"I have been texting you all day, worried sick! I thought you were dead in a gutter somewhere."
"No, don't baby," Rooster tried to sooth. "There's nothing to be worried about. I just turned off my cellphone cause the noise was bothering Lorelei."

Rooster turned and pointed at Lorelei who had placed the crown on her head.
"Are those my clothes?" the woman asked. "Why is this woman wearing my clothes, Duane?"
"Who's this Duane she speaks of?" Lorelei asked.
"It's, uh – it's me. My – my real name's Duane."

Lorelei gave him a confused look.
"She calls me that. She's… my wife."
"Yeah," the woman agreed. Lorelei's face showed shock as she took off the crown.
"Oh!" She checked out the woman then leaned in closer to Rooster. "Do you prefer her to me?"
"Sh-she is nobody next to you."

The woman grabbed his arm and turned him so that he faced he.
"Nobody? Really? "Nobody" owns this bar. You know what, everybody out. Out! We are closed." She walked deeper into the bar with Rooster following. "Out!"
Lorelei sighed, "I'm tired of this noise, Rooster. Make it stop." The woman spun around and started toward Lorelei, but Rooster held her back.
"His name is not Rooster! It's –" He grabbed hold of her neck and started choking her.
"I'm sorry, baby." She struggled for breath, holding onto his hand as he squeezed harder. "You're just making too much noise."


Coulson stood next to Sif at the holo-table in the Command Center.
"These are files of every police report within 100 miles of where you arrived. Everything from the last 48 hours. When you want to sift through the information, you just…"
"I'm familiar," Sif said. She waved her arm over the holo-table going through the reports before he could explain.
"… touch the – oh." She had brought up an incident report about a robbery at a convenience store.
"It's an antiquated system that we and other realms had ages ago," Sif told him.

He scoffed then sighed.
"You've… visited other realms, seen different species, aliens. Have you ever encountered any that were… blue?" She nodded without looking up.
"Yes of course."
"Which ones?"
"Uh… Interdites, Levians, Pheragots, Kree, Sarks, Centaurians. The Frost Giants tried to conquer your Earth a millennium ago, but Asgard drove them away."
"Oh, well, thanks for that. And the others? Have any of them been her recently?"

Sif looked up at him.
"Rest easy, Philip, son of Coul. None of the others have ever visited Earth." She moved something on the table and there was a beep.
"There. A robbery of jewels." Coulson glanced up, seeing another report.
"And there. A gun store robbery by guys on Harleys."
"It's happening faster than I feared. She's amassing men, gold, weaponry. Lorelei is building an army."

May and Ward walked down the spiral staircase outside the lab.
"Traced the men to a biker bar called Rosie's Desert Oasis," Ward told her as they made their way into the lab.
"Probably where Lorelei's hiding out. Meeting a S.H.I.E.L.D. convoy there in 10."
"Good," Sara said.

The pair looked over at her desk where she and Fitz had set up guns of every shape and variety.
"Then you can show of these beauties," she told them. Ward whistled and clapped his hands appreciatively.
"These all Night-Night guns?"
"Based on the same technology, but we're not calling them that anymore," Fitz said.

Ward picked up a handgun, looking it over.
"About time," he muttered.
"Hey!" Sara astonished. "They are now called I.C.E.R.S."
"Incapacitating Cartridge Emitting –" Fitz trailed off as he got distracted. Ward powered up his gun.
"They're great." He quickly pulled the gun to look through the sights. "And you lost the ounce."
"And tripled the stopping power," Sara added.

Fitz nodded, "But I did realize after our run-ins with Mike and Centipede…" He lifted a large gun, inadvertently pointing it towards May.
"Whoa!" She pointed the barrel away from herself.
"Sorry… Um, that we needed something stronger, better," Fitz finished.

Ward took the gun out of Fitz' hands and looked over it. May picked up a handgun, armed it, and took aim.
"Thought you didn't like guns," Ward said.
"No, I always say if I need a gun, I'll take one," she corrected. "Ah." "We'll need these," May said. "When you're up against people who are being controlled, sometimes it's hard to distinguish friend from foe."

Coulson spoke from behind them, and they turned to look at him.
"This way, we can take out either."
"Where's Lady Sif?" Fitz asked. She dropped form the catwalk above the cargo bay, landing behind Coulson with a loud thud.
"Shall we?" she asked.

May and Sara exchanged grins before Ward pulled Sara to the side.
"You aren't coming," he said firmly.
"But—"
"You're still recovering from a gunshot wound. You aren't coming, Sara and that's final."
"When d'you become the boss?" she muttered. He leaned down, whispering in her ear.
"Always was." She rolled her eyes.
"Yeah, you keep telling yourself that." She leaned up, pressing her lips against his. He pulled away after a second, pointing up the stairs.
"Go rest." "
Yes, sir."


Outside the bar, multiple S.H.I.E.L.D. SUVs pulled up out front. They all got out as the local Sheriff took notice of them.
"Lorelei's tastes run towards palaces, castles," Sif said. She took out her sword, preparing herself. "This is far humbler than her usual abode."
"The draw wasn't the place," Ward said. "It was the manpower."

Coulson addressed the police officers as they walked closer to him.
"How many men does she have in there? Have you seen the suspect?"
"Yes, we have," an officer said. He pulled up his shotgun and pointed it at Coulson. "And she's beautiful." He cocked the gun and fired. Ducking away, Coulson and Ward took cover behind a police car. Shot were fired and Sif used her shield to deflect some.

Inside the bar, Rooster looked out at the sound of gunshots and Lorelei sighed.
"What is that?" she asked.
"Well, it seems we've caught the attention of the law," Rooster answered.
"You swore to fight for me."
"Yeah, and I will," Rooster promised. "But they got a lot of firepower out there." She scoffed, confused and unimpressed. "I mean, hell, they even got some medieval-times chick." The information made Lorelei's face fall. "She's got, like, a sword and everything." "Sif," she hissed.

Outside, Sif blocked bullets with her shield.
"They're on us from both sides," Ward told Coulson. He fired one way while Coulson fired over the hood of the car. "It's gonna be hard to get off a clean shot." Coulson looked to Sif. "Your ladyship, can you give us a little cover?"

Sif looked over at a large bus-sized camper, she gave it a big kick and it moved between Coulson and Ward and the officers shooting. Coulson stood.
"A very literal interpretation." He looked to Sif. "Thank you."

A man with a shotgun walked around the side of the camper and Coulson shot him with the I.C.E.R.S. gun. Ward took out the two biker guys on his side, too. "All clear," Ward said. "Men, stay outside," Coulson called. "Let Sif take Lorelei." She walked to the door of the bar.
"Ward," Coulson said, "head around back, surround the building." Ward got up and did as he was told as Sif reached the door.

Sif walked into the door of the bar, frowning at Lorelei.
"Lorelei. Still manipulating men to do your dirty work, I see."
"And I see you're still a step or two behind," Lorelei said. As they spoke, men in the bar spread out, most of them surrounding Sif.
"You know how this will end, Lorelei. So come willingly."
"You mistake me for someone who fears you. I've bested you before. Or have you forgotten?" Lorelei looked at the men surrounding Sif. "Tear her apart."

The man to Sif's left, by the door, lifted up his shotgun and fired it at her. The bullets bounced off her armor. She grabbed the shotgun out of his hands, shoved it into his gut, sending him flying backwards out the door. She threw the gun at the man behind her, then engaged the man that appeared before her.

As Ward rounded a corner, with his gun, up, Sif sent a man flying down the length of the bar. Another man swung at her with something, and she ducked out of the way. Lorelei watched her as she slowly backed away. Sif took out the man who swung at her. She kicked him, sending him flying into another man behind him. She took out another two with one kick.

Outside, Ward walked past some toolboxes, and Rooster appeared and went for him with a chain. Rooster made too much noise and Ward was able to duck.
"Look," he tried. "I'm sure you're, uh, a reasonable guy…" Rooter swung at Ward's head with the chain. Ward ducked, then punched him in the face. "… Rooster. Rooster? Really?" Rooster swung at him again, and Ward punched his face once more.

Ward grabbed hold the Rooster's chain and delivered a big punched to his face, knocking him out. He picked up the I.C.E.R.S. and blew dirt off it. Sara and Fitz would be upset if it was broken. He spun around, aiming the gun as he heard someone drop behind him. Lorelei stood, looking at his curiously.
"You're a fine warrior," she said.
"I am," Ward agreed. "So, put your hand behind your back and get on your knees."

Lorelei gave him a sly smile and started walking towards him. As she spoke, her voice had an echo distorted sound to it.
"Men kneel before me. I do not bow to them," Lorelei said. She stood right in front of him, and he looked a bit nervous.
"Gonna need some backup over here," he said quickly. Lorelei touched Ward's arm, her voice echoing more. "That is not what you need." Ward lowered the gun, staring at him.


Revving the engine of a motorcycle, Ward sat in the front with Lorelei behind him. She had her arms wrapped around his waist.
"Take me somewhere grand, deserving of a ruler, a queen," she purred.
"I know just the place," Ward said. He pulled onto the road, not looking behind.