Chapter 11: Reflections

Elizabeth flopped down in her chair exhausted from a full evening with her little man. First it was a spontaneous ride together on Sargent per Jack's request, but then of course there was still dinner. Then it meant clean up, bathing Jack, reading together, and finally putting him to bed. It was a lot for a single parent.

Gone were the days of reading just one story and he would fall asleep. These days, his imagination took flight with chapter books and he could stay awake for a few chapters before his eyelids got heavy. It shouldn't have been a surprise to Elizabeth that her son loved reading, but yet it still was at this young age.

Jack was all boy in so many ways. He loved building and playing in the dirt and exploring as much as any little guy, but the moments mother and son bonded most were curled up on the settee together pouring over the pages of a new-to-them novel.

What had started with Rudyard Kipling's short story Rikki Tikki Tavi about a brave mongoose that saved a little boy from a cobra, ignited a passion in Jack for books to take him to far off places.

Soon Elizabeth found a copy of Mark Twain's short story The Prince and the Pauper. That, of course, led to bigger and braver stories of King Arthur and The Knights of the Round Table. His imagination was becoming filled with brave knights and fierce dragons.

Elizabeth was finding that she didn't have to teach Jack about valor—he craved it and sought those stories out himself. It was incredible the way his eyes lit up as she read to him as if it was feeding his very soul.

Her mother-heart grew increasingly conflicted as he gravitated towards stories with battles and bravery. She recognized the same gleam in his eyes that she saw in his father's not so long ago. The last thing she wanted to do was glamorize war and battle, but Little Jack seemed drawn to it like a moth to the flame.

Rarely can the mother of a not yet four-year-old boy soak up quiet and still snuggle time, but yet a book offered just that in the warmth and security of her lap. She had tried leading him back towards his favorite Grimm's Fairy Tales, but Jack had turned a page it seemed—perhaps irrevocably.

Her thoughts turned to Nathan, thankful to have him and Bill in her life again. Raising a young boy alone was never in her original plan. Sure, she had Lee who was a wonderful role model to Jack, but Bill and Nathan could speak from their Mountie-experience to help her with Jack's new battle fascination. She was finding already that she needed Bill and Nathan's help with Jack even in areas she had previously considered to be her strength—like books.

The teacher in her wanted to feed Jack's interest and imagination, but the mother in her wanted to pull her little boy back to safety. She made a mental note to seek out the two most important law men in her life for help finding the balance—the sooner the better it seemed.

If only Jack were here…he would know what to say and do. She glanced up at his picture on the table. Feeling a bit overwhelmed, she reached for her journal, pen, and Bible.

Elizabeth knew better than to just open her Bible randomly to read, but as she hovered her hand over the cover…she found herself doing just that—hoping desperately for a verse that would bring her comfort and direction.

She turned the pages—stopping where it felt right. With her eyes closed and holding her breath, she dropped her hand on a verse and opened one eye cautiously hoping for the morsel of wisdom she needed. Matthew 25 verse 32–she started to read before a smile crossed her lips and she shook her head looking up again at the framed photo staring back at her.

"Very funny Jack. Some help you are!" She retorted to the frame reciting the verses out loud.

"All the nations will be gathered in his presence, and he will separate the people as a shepherd separates the sheep from the goats. He will place the sheep at his right hand and the goats at his left."

She shook her head no longer feeling condemnation from a picture frame, but remembering the lighthearted jabs she and Jack used to share in their early courtship.

It helped now to know deep within her heart that she wasn't a goat. Like the verse, she had separated from the goats finally. She was no longer fooled by candles and flowery words. She saw clearly and she recognized a simple man of honesty when she saw him.

Picking up her pen, she tried journaling instead.

Tuesday, September 16th, 1919

I rode for the first time with Nathan yesterday. I don't know why I fought this so hard. I could follow that man anywhere—especially if he's on a horse.

I didn't think I could fall for a man so easily after I lost Jack, but that's what I'm finding. I'm falling just as hard and just as fast now. It's exactly what Jack had hoped for me in his last letter.

What I didn't expect was just how right all of this has felt. In every way, we just fit: my hand in his, my body in his arms, and just like with Jack… it is effortless. My very body told me Lucas was all wrong. It revolted at his touch or attempt to touch.

Everything was mental work—completely manufactured—to try to make a relationship happen. It was all so unnatural and the thought of him wanting to kiss me in the car in the rain still makes me want to run.

What was I even thinking associating with a flirtatious gambler?

I'm thankful every day that I woke up from that nightmare. It makes me sick to know that it was a nightmare I was choosing to live out when I know now that there was a beautiful reality knocking at my door.

Today, I was given a second chance. Allie approached me after class and we finally talked about all of the hurt between us. That girl is so special to me.

I couldn't help but hold her as she just crumbled in my arms. I rocked her on the bench rubbing her back as if she were my baby girl. It just happened and I honestly don't know if I needed it more than she did. It's as if we've always been that way…as if this is how it's supposed to be.

Then Nathan arrived and asked me to dinner and then to court him. It might have been the easiest decisions I've ever made. I couldn't help but say yes. It's the only decision. I don't know how I'll move forward and out of fear, but I have to. Any life without Nathan Grant isn't really living. Today I chose love.

Love.

I think that's what I'm feeling. I'm completely enraptured with this not-so-quiet man. Unlike Jack, he isn't a man of grand gestures. Instead, he gives from small and regular displays of thoughtfulness.

My desk is now overflowing with flowers. What touches me most is that they aren't from The Mercantile. Nathan thinks of me while out on his rounds and he stops to handpick flowers. Not just any flowers, but lavender colored asters that he says remind him of my coat…and our hug. They grow all over the valley, but he brought me to this incredible spot up the mountain completely covered in asters by a mountain lake. It was magical.

I was surprised this evening when Little Jack and I visited Jack's grave to find it completely cleared off from overgrown grass and fallen leaves. His grave was pristine and to the right of his headstone laid a fresh bouquet of asters. Lavender asters.

Tears filled my eyes as I looked up to see Nathan atop Newton sitting stoically on a hilltop in the distance watching over us. He must have seen us while on rounds and again I felt so loved and cared for. He didn't interrupt our time with Jack, but it was a comfort to know that we were safe even out at the graveyard near dusk.

We rode out to him and Nathan accompanied us home giving both Jack and me long hugs before we went inside. I know that Nathan needs time and I don't want to rush him, but I don't want to lose any more time with him either.

I'm learning to wait, but it is hard.

Elizabeth closed her journal and turned down the lamps before heading up to bed. A new day would dawn before long and her future was looking brighter than it had ever been.

A/N:

Easter egg: circling back to chapter 1's reference of Elizabeth yelling at Jack's frame & the Billy Hamilton goat reference from s1 canon.

Elizabeth plays what I like to call Bible-Roulette where you drop down on a random verse without looking. Ha! Seemed like a great place for another goat jab.