Author's Note: Thanks so much for coming back to read and thank you for the continued support :)
"Are you su…"
"If you ask me that one more time, you and I are going to fall out."
Glancing up at her husband as they stood together at the front door while she pulled on her gloves, Margaret gave him a mute nod before turning her attention back to her hands. Her gloves were going to have to remain on while she was speaking with the doctor. It wouldn't do for him to catch sight of the marks left on her wrist from when Ciarán grabbed her in the throes of another argument the other day. He would become curious, no doubt, and with curiosity came a multitude of questions which was something her husband hated. In his mind, what went on in their home was their business and theirs alone, so the doctor inquiring would only anger him.
It was the last thing she needed when she was already on thin ice with him regarding her current condition.
When she told him she was just as in the dark about whether or not she was in the family way, thankfully, he chose to take her at her word and he was still unaware she had known about the baby for over a week already. It was her plan to give him the news when they returned home and they were alone, to lie and say the doctor examined her and revealed that she was in fact expecting, and then she would handle all the fallout from that. He was going to be horrid even though, deep down, he likely already knew what the answer would be. He was going to tell her she ruined his life and this was all her fault, but she was used to hearing those words by now.
She ruined his life in every way imaginable it seemed, despite the fact she did all he ever asked of her.
Never, in all the time she had been stuck with him, had she once stepped out of line or gone over his head on a matter. It truly felt as though she worked harder than a slave for him some days, scrubbing their house from top to bottom, ensuring he had a hot meal to come home to every night, cleaning his clothes and drawing him baths, but had she ever heard so much as a thank you? No, because it was "expected" of her to do those things as his wife and to do them without complaint or question. He felt he had no need to be grateful for all she did and it was as though he expected her to view it as some honour to wait on him hand and foot day in, day out.
It was far from an honour though.
If anything, it was a curse she was destined to live under for the rest of her life.
Once she was ready to go and had taken her handbag from atop the cabinet, she opened the door and stepped out into the garden before waiting for her husband to leave the house and lock the door behind them. He then took her hand in his and led her up the path and she sighed under her breath when they walked out onto the street. It would be deemed sweet by those walking by, seeing the two of them holding hands while they took a stroll together, but it was anything but sweet. It was dominance. It was his way of making it clear to any man who dared look their way that she belonged to him and they had no right to show the slightest interest in her.
"Ciarán, we need to talk about what we're going to do if the doctor says…well, you know." She said gently.
"I keep telling you, there is no 'we' in this if it happens," He muttered, keeping his gaze straight ahead rather than even bothering to look her in the eye when she looked up at him. "I have told you time and time again that I don't want children. I thought we were on the same page about that, but clearly not since you just went ahead and potentially got yourself pregnant. You never think about my wants, do you? Solely about your own."
She took a deep breath. "If…if it turns out I am pregnant then you'll be as responsible as me."
It was then that he looked at her, rage flashing in his eyes. "And how do you make that out? Hmm?"
"Because it's not humanly possible for me to get myself pregnant," She growled. "You have to have had a part."
"In my eyes, the one responsible is the one carrying the thing," He stopped walking for a second and looked at her stomach in disgust before looking at her again. "If the doctor does say what we both believe he's going to then that's as much of a part in this I am going to have. You want it? Keep it, I couldn't care less, but do not try and make it a problem of mine because I refuse to let it be. You want it, you be the one to put up with it."
His words hit her like a punch to the gut. "I…I wish I know what I did to make you hate me so much."
"So do I," He muttered, continuing to lead her down the street. "So do I…"
"I want to thank you for taking the time to see me today, Doctor." Margaret smiled, sitting opposite him.
"A pleasure as always, Mrs Bates," Doctor O'Clery assured her. "So, what can I do for you?"
"Well, there are a couple of things I wanted to speak with you about," She admitted. "Since I found out about the baby the nausea seems to have gotten far more intense. It gets to the point where I can't stand for too long and it becomes a challenge to make dinner or do even the most menial things. I understand it could be due to the fact I'm aware of what's causing it these days, but I was wondering if there was a medication you might be able to prescribe or a remedy you may be able to think of to help ease it? I can't go on like this much longer."
He hummed. "I completely understand, it must be a horrendous thing to have to put up with day in, day out. I'm afraid there isn't a medication as such that I can give you, but each time my wife has been pregnant she's been through the same thing as you. Honestly, some days she couldn't take her head from the pillow without vomiting. We tried a number of things to ease it, but the thing we found actually worked the best was ginger. In the mornings and in the evenings, she would have some in her cup of tea and it made her feel far brighter."
"I could certainly try that," She nodded. "I'll go into town when I leave here and pick some up."
"And the other thing? You said there were two things you wanted to speak with me about." He reminded her.
"Yes," She replied. "Uhm, I noticed when I went to relieve myself the other day that there were small spots of blood in my undergarments. It might be normal, I have no idea, but I just wanted to hear your opinion on it."
He shook his head. "Not to worry, some light spotting in early pregnancy is completely normal and unless it's a heavy loss then there's no indication anything is wrong with either of you. How much blood are we talking?"
"Barely any," She informed him. "I…I'm just quite an anxious person, Doctor, I overthink things a lot."
"You must try to relax, Mrs Bates, because a great deal of stress is something you and the baby do not need," He told her kindly, clasping his hands together in his lap. "I would say to try and rest for an hour every day."
"I don't often have enough time for that, I'm afraid." She said.
"You must make time. I don't wish to see you wearing yourself out and neither does your husband, I'm sure."
"I appreciate you saying that, I really do, and thank you again for making time to see me."
"It was no bother," He waited for her to stand before doing the same and reaching across his desk to give her hand a shake. "Please, try and look after yourself and I'll see you in a couple of weeks for your routine check."
She gave him a slight smile, dropping his hand. "I'll see you then."
Walking away from his desk, she tucked a loose curl back beneath her hat before leaving the room and closing the door behind her. She then made her way down the corridor and descended the stairs that led down to the waiting room where Ciarán was still sitting. He refused to give her so much as a forced smile when he spotted her, choosing instead to simply stand and wait for her to take his hand before leading her out of the surgery in silence. It wasn't until they were down the street that she managed to bring herself to look up at him and she squeezed his hand to get his attention. "Don't…don't you want to know what the doctor said?" She asked him.
"Unless it's that you were wrong and this entire nightmare is over, don't bother." He grumbled.
"It won't change a thing about this, you ignoring the situation, Ciarán," She sighed. "It won't change the fact that I'm carrying your – my – baby and it won't change the fact that I'm going to be a mother soon enough."
"I would love to see how you're going to manage," He chuckled. "You're not getting a penny from me."
She thought for a moment. "I'm not too bad with a needle and thread, so perhaps I'll become a seamstress."
"And when would you have the time?" He raised an eyebrow at her.
"I will have to make time, won't I?" She glared. "I love this baby so much and to me it's not a 'thing' or an 'it' or whatever else you choose to call it. I may not be too pleased about the circumstances, but I want this child and I am going to make sure it knows how loved it is by me. I am going to be the best mother I can and I'm going to give it all it's going to need because it is no fault of theirs that they're being brought into this world."
He looked at her and smirked. "Ah, I give it a week at most before you're sick of it."
"You're cruel," She whispered. "You know that?"
"My dear, there is a difference between cruel and brutally honest," He patted her hand. "You won't cope."
"I will. You'll see," She dropped his gaze at long last. "I'll make you see if it's the last thing I do…"
"How long are we going to go on having this same stupid argument?" She cried later that afternoon.
"Until you realise what you're doing to us is wrong and for your own gain!" Ciarán shouted.
"I already told you I'll provide for the baby myself, Ciarán, you don't have to do anything." She told him.
He scowled at her. "Are you that clueless you can't see that I will still have to pay for the thing? My money goes on heating this house and it goes on the extortionate bills that mean you and I are able to keep this house! If you bring it into this house then I will be forking out more and more money left, right and centre for all three of us and I can't even be certain that it's mine! I refuse to pay for something that might not even be my own."
"Are…are you actually telling me you think I was unfaithful to you?"
"If the shoe fits…"
Little by little, her sadness and frustration turned to anger and she was having to make herself keep composed. "I have never, ever, been with any man aside from you and you know that full well," She spat. "One, you keep me under lock and key unless I have to go out and then you have those…those little minions of yours around town keeping an eye on me and reporting my every move back to you! Two, when on earth would I have the time to have and maintain an affair when I spend every second of every day doing things for you that you are old enough to be doing for yourself, Ciarán? If you think there's any chance of that, you are genuinely insane."
"You better watch the way you speak to me, girl." He warned.
"Oh, I do watch the way I speak to you," She laughed. "I have spent every day for the past six years watching the way I speak to you because I am so sick and tired of the constant arguments. I have kept from telling you exactly what I think of you for all that time when I could easily have come out and told you the honest truth."
He raised an eyebrow at her. "Go on then, tell me exactly what you think of me."
"I think you're nothing but a bully, in all truthfulness," She admitted, looking him right in the eye as she said those words. "I think you're ungrateful, I think you're cruel, I think your parents spoiled you and never pulled you up on your mistakes which is why you feel you have the right to ordain the universe and are incapable of doing wrong. As a whole though, I think you're just someone incapable of ever loving anyone or anything but yourself and has no idea how to keep a woman which is why you resort to violence. Only a coward does that."
"Oh, aren't we brave?"
"No, I'm not brave because that was one of the many things you stole from me when I was stupid enough to fall in love with you," She shook her head before pointing at herself. "All this is, honestly, is a woman who is completely and utterly exhausted and done with you. I couldn't care less about you at this point, nor what you do to me. All I care about anymore is making sure this little baby never has to endure what I had to with you. I care about bringing it up to be a decent human being who knows right from wrong and how to treat people. More than anything else though, I plan to bring it up it knowing that it is worthy of so much more than you."
When she was done, she just stood there and stared at him while he appeared to process all she had just said. Never, in all the time they had been together, had she spoken to him in such a manner before and it was clear he had no idea how to react or respond. It gave her a sense of pride, actually, knowing he was the one stunned into silence for once, but that feeling soon began to fade when he came away from the wall he'd been leaning against and started walking towards her. His steps were painfully slow – predatory was probably the best word she could use to describe them – and when he reached her and put his face in her own she felt her heart stop.
"I am going to give you ten seconds," His voice was so low she barely heard him. "To run…"
It truly felt as though her lungs were burning and her knees were about to buckle beneath her when she made it to Aoibheann's front gate, but she pushed through it and managed to race down the garden path and up to the front door before using the knocker to hammer on it. Constantly, she was looking over her shoulder to see if her husband was pursuing her, but she failed to see him anywhere. It was impossible for her to be certain he even came after her when she ran from the house on account of the only comprehensible thought in her head being getting to her friend's house. It would be safe there, she knew, Aoibheann wouldn't let anything happen.
It felt as though she'd been knocking for a lifetime when she heard a key turn in the door at long last, but she was aware it had likely only been seconds at the most. When Aoibheann opened the door to her, she tried her best to hold herself together and explain what had transpired between herself and Ciarán not too long ago, but the second she opened her mouth she burst into tears and all she was aware of was her friend wrapping her in her arms. It was only when she helped her down onto the doorstep that she realized her knees had given way and she just surrendered to her embrace and hid her face in her shoulder to help soften the sound of her sobs.
"I'm sorry…I know…I know the children…" She choked.
"Shh…" Aoibheann soothed, smoothing a hand over her hair. "All out with the neighbour and her wains, love, no need to fret."
Margaret nodded, taking hold of the back of her blouse and sighing against her shoulder before pulling back to look her in the eye once she'd succeeded in composing herself a little. "I shouldn't have bothered you like this, but I couldn't think where else to go and I felt this would be the safest place for me at the moment, honestly."
"Safest place…?" Aoibheann frowned. "Mags, what happened? Did he…?"
"Could we maybe talk about this inside? I would just feel a little more comfortable, I think." Margaret said.
"Of course, come with me and I'll make you something to drink to help those nerves." Aoibheann comforted.
It took her a minute to help her to her feet and get her inside the house, but once the door was closed she led her through to the kitchen and helped to get her settled at the table. She then turned to the kettle on the stove and put some water in before setting it to boil, gathering what she needed from the cupboard and putting it on the counter before heading over to the table and sitting down across from Margaret. "It isn't any place of mine to ask, really, but did you tell him about the baby? Was he not pleased about it? Is that what all this is about?"
"Oh, the wee one has a part to play in it, believe me, but there's also so much more to it than that," Margaret explained, palming the tears from her cheeks. "Ciarán just hates me and I can't understand why for the life of me because I do all that he asks. I cook, I clean, I do his laundry, I care for him when he's feeling rough and I still can't do right from wrong in his opinion. He speaks to me like I'm worthless, Aoibh, he makes me feel so pathetic and stupid and I can't take it anymore. I…I told him the truth about what I thought about him when we got back from the doctor and I went too far. You should have seen the look in his eyes, it was murderous."
"And you never told me any of this until now because?" Aoibheann inquired.
"I thought I was handling it and I thought I would be able to cope with having a couple hurtful words thrown at me, but I'm exhausted," Margaret whispered with a shake of her head. "Being with him and…and trying to love him when all I get is abuse thrown back in my face is wearing me out. In the beginning, when we moved here, things were far from perfect. It was stressful and hard, but we were newly married and I was so madly in love with him that I managed to overlook it. I think that made him think I found it acceptable though, and so he only did it more and this is what it's come to. I have no idea why I'm bringing a poor baby into this mess."
Aoibheann reached for her hand. "None of this is your fault, love, you didn't ask for any of it."
"Could you go home and explain that to him? Because he seems to think I got myself pregnant and he had no involvement, hence why he refuses to have anything to do with the baby or even call it one," Margaret replied. "I only ended up losing my head with him because he implied I went with another man and the child isn't his. He can accuse me of a lot of things and he can call me a lot of names and he has in the past, believe me, but the one thing I will not stand for is him standing there and calling me an adulterer. If there were so much as a chance of me sneaking out to see another man, he would have known about it before I even had the thought!"
"No one could look at you and think something like that because it's not in your nature." Aoibheann sighed.
Margaret looked at her for a time. "I…I do wonder sometimes what it would be like."
"Hmm? You wonder what it would be like to…?"
"Well, to have someone love and want me enough to not care that Ciarán's in the picture."
"You'd never actually do that though, would you?" Aoibheann inquired.
"And give him the satisfaction of being right? Not a chance," Margaret shook her head. "I just seriously don't know what to do anymore. I can't go home though, not at the minute, because I can't be sure what he'd react like if I just showed up after all I said and I know for a fact he won't have calmed down yet. Would you mind if I stayed here for a little while? I only mean for a couple of hours, I can still go home when you and Riordan get back from dinner this evening. Of course, if you're busy then I can go someplace else and then I might…"
Aoibheann smiled, causing her to stop talking. "You can spend the night here with us, it's not a problem."
"You're sure? I don't want to be a burden and you have the wee ones to care for." Margaret pointed out softly.
"You are my best friend and if you need me then I'm here for you," Aoibheann soothed with a tender squeeze of her hand. "I'll make you a bed up on the sofa tonight and you'll stay here as long as you need to, all right?"
Margaret managed a tearful nod. "I don't know what I'd do without you sometimes."
"You'll always have me." Aoibheann touched a hand to her cheek.
Just then, the kettle began to whistle and the elder woman got up from the table to go and see to their cups of tea while she made herself a little more comfortable in her chair. She watched her bustle around the little room for a time and smiled, her hand coming to rest on her stomach on instinct before she looked down and swept her thumb slowly over it. If her husband didn't want to know about their little one – if he wanted nothing at all to do with it – then that was on him and it was something he would just have to live with all his life long. She, on the other hand, knew how precious this little being was and was determined to always treat it as such.
Unlike before, she had an ally at long last.
Her world would no longer seem quite so lonely with her baby in her arms and she was holding onto that.
It was one of the few things, she knew for a fact, that would give her a reason to go on living.
"All right, my loves, I think I hear your beds calling." Margaret told the girls as she closed the book she'd just been reading to them that night and put it down on the arm of the sofa, the three of them groaning in protest.
"But Aunt Mags, I still have some cocoa left."
"Me too!"
"Me three!"
When Aoife, Caoimhe and Orlaith showed her their mugs which all had a sip or two left in them at most, she gave them a smirk before choosing to indulge them for once and tightening the hold she had of them. It was mad, really, the love she had for these girls. Being the eldest, Aoife was already two when Ciarán brought her to Ireland and she met the family, but Caoimhe and Orlaith were only four and three and so she'd known the pair of them since birth and it had been lovely to watch them turn into little ladies. All three of them held an incredibly special place in her heart though and that was something she was certain was never going to change.
"Girls, I…I was wondering if you might like to know a little secret before you go to bed?" She asked them.
"A secret?" All three of them gasped, big brown eyes blinking up at her as they turned in her arms.
"Yes, a secret," She laughed. "You see, I went to the doctor not too long ago and I learned I'm having a baby."
"A baby?" Aoife beamed. "Aunt Mags, that is the best secret ever!"
Caoimhe cuddled closer to her and pulled on her cardigan. "Can I cuddle the baby?"
"Me too, me too!" Orlaith added, a cocoa moustache on her upper lip that Margaret wiped away with a laugh.
"You can all hold the baby when it comes," Was her response. "It hasn't any brothers or sisters, so the three of you are going to have to be the ones to teach it things and I know this wee one is going to simply adore you."
Aoife gasped. "I can teach it to ride my bicycle."
"I can teach it to read!" Caoimhe smiled.
Orlaith thought for a moment. "I…uhm…I can teach it to eat sweets! I'm the best at that, Aunt Mags."
"I think it might be a while before the baby is ready to do any of those things, my darlings, but I haven't any doubt that you're going to be the best teachers when the time comes," Margaret said. "Especially you, Orlaith."
"Is Uncle Ciarán excited about the baby?" Aoife inquired. "Daddy was so excited about Caoimhe and Orlaith!"
Margaret sighed, running a hand over her curls. "You know your uncle. He doesn't get excited much."
"Oh, he will," Aoife gave her stomach a gentle pat. "Everybody gets excited about babies! They're so adorable!"
"Well, let's hope that works for him then," Margaret gave her a kiss on the brow before taking her arms from around her and her sisters and standing from the sofa. "It really is time for nightgowns and toothbrushes now, I think, because Mammy and Daddy will be home before long and you're all already up far later than normal."
Caoimhe looked nervous. "Are Mammy and Daddy going to be upset with us, Aunt Mags?"
"No, I don't think they will, but it might be nice for all three of you to be tucked up in bed when they come home, so why don't we get a move on?" She picked up Orlaith and sat her on her hip, tickling her tummy to make her laugh before holding her hands out to Aoife and Caoimhe and leading them out of the lounge when they cuddled up to her. It took her a minute to get the three of them upstairs to their room, but they all knew what to do once they were there and once she set Orlaith down she ran to join her older sisters over at their wardrobe. "Orla, sweetheart, why not come over here and I'll give you a bit of help with those fiddly buttons?"
"Thank you, Aunt Mags!" The girl beamed, skipping across the room to where she was perched on the edge of the bed and turning her back to her so that she could undo the buttons that ran down the back of her dress. "Can you help me with the ribbons too, please? Mummy does them for me because I can't really tie them yet."
Accepting the nightgown from her once her dress had been removed, she untied the ribbons at the shoulders and helped her put it on over her head. She then retied the ribbons to secure it and buried a warm kiss in her curls, putting her arms around her and giving her a squeeze. "I wonder which one of you can brush their teeth and get back here the quickest," Margaret smirked at them. "Whoever wins gets to turn the light out tonight."
"I'm going to win because I'm the fastest."
"No, Daddy says I'm the fastest."
"No, me!"
Before she could say anything else, the three girls left the bedroom and ran down the landing to the bathroom at the end and when she was alone she leaned back on her hands and smiled to herself. It was such wonderful practice, spending time with them. It gave her a little glimpse of what her life would be like when her baby got to each of their ages and she had to admit it seemed rather fun. Of course, their home life would never be the same as theirs. Riordan was a wonderful father and an even more wonderful husband and she'd found herself feeling horribly envious on a number of occasions. It was something she and her child would never experience.
A life like this, though it likely wasn't perfect, was something she could only dream of.
Her thoughts had little time to consume her completely because the sound of thundering feet pulled her out of them before too long and she looked up, smiling as Caoimhe came running into the room with Aoife and then Orlaith behind her. It was almost funny, the faces on the other two, but she managed to refrain from laughing and got up from the bed so she could pull back the covers for Orlaith and let her climb in next to her ragdoll. "I never win the toothbrush race, Aunt Mags, it's not fair." Orlaith pouted, drawing her doll tight to her chest.
"One day, sweetheart, I'm sure you will and then it'll be your turn to turn down the lamp." Margaret soothed.
"Yeah, because I'll be big like them one day." Orlaith agreed.
Shaking her head in response with a smile, she leaned down and kissed her on the forehead before brushing a soft curl behind her ear and turning to make her way over to Aoife who had already gotten into her own bed. "I would have won, Aunt Mags, but Caoimhe made me get water in my eye." Aoife grumbled, glancing at her.
"Next time, I'm sure you will then," Margaret winked, tucking her in more. "Goodnight, sweetheart."
"Goodnight." Aoife echoed.
With two girls tucked in and one to go, Margaret looked over at Caoimhe who was standing near the oil lamp and gave her a nod before watching as she turned down the flame and the room was almost plunged into full darkness. One of the candles out in the hall gave them enough light to still see where they were going and so they made their way over to her bed and she pulled back the covers, watching her climb in and start to settle. "I have never known someone to brush their teeth so fast before!" She grinned, pulling the covers up over her.
"I'm the best." Caoimhe said proudly.
"I never doubted it," Margaret shook her head. "Now, I'm just downstairs if you need me for anything, okay?"
"M'kay," Caoimhe replied sleepily. "I love you, Aunt Mags."
Margaret felt her heart swell. "I love you too, precious."
Once she'd given her a kiss too, she moved away from the bed and headed for the door before turning back to the girls and giving them one last look. "Goodnight girls." She said gently, her voice no higher than a whisper.
"Goodnight." Came their response.
Pleased that they were settled and would be able to get some sleep now, she made her way from the room and took one of the candles from in the window so she could see as she headed back downstairs to the lounge. She set it down when she reached the room and headed for the sofa, unable to suppress a yawn as she ran her hand over her face. It had been a long evening. She had played and baked with the girls, made them endless cups of cocoa, read to them and she was truly worn out now, but she couldn't complain. It had been so much fun and for once in her life she'd been able to do something without her husband being over her shoulder complaining.
It wouldn't last, she was well aware of that, she knew she would have to go home sooner or later.
But that wouldn't be tonight.
No, for tonight she was safe and didn't have to deal with him and that was just wonderful in her opinion.
It was true bliss…
Author's Note: Thank you so much for taking the time to read! I would love to know what you thought of this chapter if you have the time and I'll see you all soon :)
