Summary: Kagome moved from Japan to America when she was in seventh grade. She stopped talking in eighth grade, and no one knows why. Now, in eleventh grade, Kagome will undergo a series of events that will dramatically change her...Kagome's POV.

Rated M. Why? Because my mind has many bad things in it and I don't know what I might use...

I wrote two chapters today alone! Aren't you proud of me? Probably not. Those chapters were probably crap…

Dates Written:
April 9th, 2006
April 10th, 2006
April 11th, 2006

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The Games We Play
Entry Five: Hell to the King…

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Day Five: Thursday

Damn. I need a new way of counting. Even though I've been doing this for a while, counting like this really does sound like some wannabe gothic thing…

Well, today wasn't so much of a wreck. Miroku was at home, sick… Or so he claims. I think he just wanted permission to ditch school or something. But that's not the point.

Today it was just Inuyasha and I eating lunch. Sango went to retake some test that she failed. Inuyasha was quiet, surprisingly. I didn't eat lunch. The main reason was because I didn't have a lunch. I didn't buy a lunch because I was so nervous.

I was all alone with the boy that I had a crush on. I was really scared and my body froze up. Thankfully he wouldn't expect me to talk. That was the biggest relief… Well, sort of.

"So, Kagome… Mind if I ask you a million questions?" Inuyasha asked. I looked up at him and shrugged.

"Okay… Do you really have holy powers or were you lying? I was curious if I could see them…" Inuyasha trailed off. He reminded me of a puppy or something with the curiosity and slight timid-ness on his face.

I held out my hand and it glowed a mixture of white and blue. I picked up a part of Inuyasha's lunch with the powers, then I set it back down carefully. His mouth was wide open and I blushed. My hand went back to my lap as Inuyasha straitened himself up.

"Wow… That was cool. I've never seen someone who had trained those powers before. Most people can't figure out how to control them." He said. I reached into my backpack and pulled out a pencil and paper.

I've had help with the training. My grandpa is into all that kind of stuff… I told him on paper.

"Really? What about your dad and mom? What are they into?" Inuyasha asked. I smiled faintly then looked down at the paper.

My dad is into the ground, and my mother is into insanity… I wrote. Inuyasha read it, looked at me, then sighed.

"I'm sorry. I didn't realize that… I shouldn't have asked…" He sighed and I pulled the paper closer to me.

"My mom died from a demon disease, but you know that… My father vanished years ago and left his servants and his fortune to raise us." Inuyasha said. I nodded my head then offered him a smile. It worked. He started smiling too.

And that was my lunch. I know that it wasn't too interesting, but I really enjoyed the chance I had to talk to him. It's not very often that Inuyasha will just share his heart with someone. Least of all, me. I can't talk, so he often mistakes me for stuck-up.

Hardly anyo—

Crap. Someone just instant messaged me. That really messed up that sentence, didn't it? Let's see who it is… HumanPuppy? Who is that?

Oh, wait. I think that's Inuyasha. He said that he would instant message me tonight… He said that after I gave him my IM address…

It's not just Inuyasha, it's Sango and Miroku as well. Here, I'll copy the conversation down. I don't know what else there could possibly be to talk about for today… Just keep in mind that HumanPuppy is Inuyasha, DamnHand is Miroku, and SpiderBack is Sango… Oh, I'm HolyDemon. Don't ask about the name… Like you could.

HumanPuppy: Hey, you guys! Glad that you could come online too!

DamnHand: You know that I would never miss a chance to come online and avoid the real world!

SpiderBack: I thought you were sick today, Miroku… ?

DamnHand: About that… I ditched lunch and all the classes after it. I just told Inuyasha that I wasn't feeling well last night. I can't believe you bought that!

HumanPuppy: Watch it…

SpiderBack: Wow. Inuyasha, could you get anymore dense than that?

HolyDemon: I don't know. I think he's pretty smart…

SpiderBack: Kagome! You typed!

DamnHand: And complimented Inuyasha!

HolyDemon: Just because I don't talk doesn't mean I can't type, you guys…

HumanPuppy: Yeah. What did you think she was? Mute?

SpiderBack: Yeah

DamnHand: Pretty much.

HolyDemon:I am not mute! I was able to talk…

SpiderBack: How come you stopped talking?

HolyDemon: For reasons… I'm not telling either of the guys, though! (

SpiderBack: Will you tell me if I IM you in another window?

HolyDemon: . . . . . . . . . . . If I have to.

Wait… New window…

SpiderBack: So, what happened?

HolyDemon: Do I really have to tell you?

SpiderBack: Yeah.

HolyDemon: thisispointlessbabbleusedtodivertyourattentioniwasrapedandletmeknowifitworked

SpiderBack: No, it didn't work, Kagome. I got the message.

HolyDemon: Fuck

SpiderBack: Since when do you curse?

HolyDemon: I would cuss more if only I could talk… I'm not a goody-two-shoes.

SpiderBack: Okay… Well, I won't tell either of the guys, but I expect a lengthy email from you with details on what happened.

HolyDemon: Yes ma'am…

Back to the first window…

HumanPuppy: Yo, Sango! What did she say?

SpiderBack: Like I'd tell you

DamnHand: Please? My fair Sango, I only wish to—

SpiderBack: If you finish that sentence Miroku, I'm going to hurt you and any hopes you have of ever having kids.

DamnHand: Shutting up.

HumanPuppy: Wow. Wish I could train him to shut up that fast.

HolyDemon: It's a woman's touch, Inuyasha. Men can't threaten other men. Just like women can't threaten other women. It's just not terrifying that way.

HumanPuppy: Wow. My Kagome is a psychologist on threats…

SpiderBack: Your Kagome?

DamnHand: Kagome is yours… ?

HolyDemon: Yes, please explain, Inuyasha!

HumanPuppy has left the conference.

What a pussy (pardon me). He said that I was his, then he signs off and doesn't bother to explain it!

I can't believe I told Sango what happened to me. I didn't think that she would be able to read my message through all the extra letters I threw in there… I feel so horrible right now.

Someone else knows I'm worthless. Someone else knows the horrible that that happened to me. I can't help but feel worried that Sango will tell the guys. Even if she doesn't tell them, I'm worried. What if she stops being my friend?

After all, I am dirty. I'm filthy for what happened. It's my fault that it happened… Even worse, it happened more than once. The first time you are deeply hurt and your life is shattered. The second time it happened, I could hardly even move because the pain was so intense.

The third time I ended up in the hospital because my body couldn't handle it anymore. I wasn't eating well, and having that done to me just sent me over the edge.

Three times in one year. Three times when I was still young and innocent. When I was still happy, the most precious thing in life was taken away from me. I can't love because of it. I can't speak because of it. I can't do anything, because this has happened to me.

Even if I could love, the other would be devastated. I had lost something that he expected me to have. I no longer had it, and I was supposed to. I can imagine on honey-moon night that he would not touch me. Why? The special part of me that he was supposed to take was gone.

He was supposed to have the honor of taking it, but he didn't. He was supposed to help suppress my screams of pain, but he wouldn't be able to.

That is just another reason why I can't love. I am tainted. I am stained with someone else, and I'll never be the same…

The second time, I had to get an abortion. I had began to get pregnant in the seventh grade. I didn't want anyone to know that something so precious from me had been taken. Carrying a child would show them what happened.

So, I went to a clinic and explained my situation. I was raped, and I had no intention of having the child. I wanted to try to act like it didn't happen. They carried through with it, and I didn't have to pay them. Then they offered me counseling. I turned it down instantly.

Therapists will never know the pain that comes when you are taken in such a violent way. There is no single word that can describe the horrible feeling. There aren't even multiple words that can describe the shame and embarrassment of it.

But I'll try to explain anyway. It's humiliating. It's degrading. It's painful. It is everything that you never want to experience.

Being raped is like giving a speech. Everything seems to be going good. Everyone is paying attention and showing enthusiasm in what you are speaking for. Then you realize the problem. You're not dressed or you're advertising for the wrong side of the debate. You're advertising to encourage smoking, not to put it down.

It's horrible. It's like waking up in the morning and going to school. Once you get there, you think that there is no school because no one is out. Then you are truant for not being there on the biggest assembly of your life. The one that you were supposed to speak for.

Being raped is worse than that, though. It's so hard to describe. The pain from doing it will always be there… Every time someone touches me, especially men, I flinch. I tense up when someone tries to hug me. When someone touches the back of my head, I can't stand it.

I am unable to be touched. I don't trust people not to harm me anymore. I expect them to harm me. So, I keep my guard up. I make sure that they have the hardest time possible in trying to get to know me and trying to do it again.

Remember when I said that I hated America a few entries ago? This is why. I was defiled so horribly here. I had to undergo the worst breed of humiliation. I saw levels of shame that shouldn't have even existed.

Back in Japan, I doubt I would have been so defiled. I doubt that THIS would have happened. I didn't expect people to stoop so low. I expected that from Americans, but I didn't think that they would do it to me. After all, I wasn't born in America…

Okay, I didn't intend to make this diary entry just about how horrible my experience was. I intended to explain more of my past to you. I suppose that, now that my diary knows what happened to me, that I might as well just give in and say everything about it.

It still pains my heart just to think about it… I'll probably write more about it tomorrow, just because it's getting late.

The American I had met when I was in Japan. The American that Kimi was dating. All this started with him. He had told us, casually, that he was hoping one of us would come back to help him with his gang. Kimi had given him a curious look, and he said that his gang raped women.

He was not afraid to admit this to us at all. He told us this as if it belonged in a conversation in everyday life.

Well, I moved to America after I had met him. He left Japan a year after he had told Kimi and I that. When I moved to America, he had a note on my door for me. He said that he was excited that I took him up on his offer and moved to America.

I didn't understand what he meant by excited. I assumed that it was just a happy excited. No, it was a different type of excited altogether. It was based on hopes of carnal pleasure.

He kept writing me letters. My mother would comment on how glad she was that I was making friends. I smiled and pretended that she was right. Yes, I had a friend. I constantly told myself that he was just joking when he told us about his rapist gang in Japan. I forced myself into denial for that shred of comfort.

He asked to meet me. I had convinced myself by this time that there was nothing wrong with him. He was like every other American that I had ever seen in my schools. Only he was a few years older.

So, I met him. He said that he wanted to take me to a really beautiful sight. We drove past some parts, which looked nice compared to the rest of the stone gray city.

Then he drove me to a house. He took me inside and showed me his room. I remember looking at the pictures on his wall in horror. This was not beautiful scenery at all. I looked at him, and he was grinning.

"Just looking at these pictures gets me excited. Does it do that to you, Kagome?" He asked me. I looked at him for a long time then returned my gaze to the porn magazine cut outs. They were hideous. The women's bodies looked deformed under the men's. In some pictures, it was just women.

The images are still burned into my brain. It hurts to even see the things that were depicted in those pictures. Torture. There was a lot of torture on women, and none of them seemed to mind.

Then he pulled Kimi out of a closet. She had a gag around her mouth, and tears in her eyes. He removed the gag then pushed me against the wall. He gave me a deep-voiced and intimidating threat. I didn't even attempt to run, for Kimi's sake. He left and locked us in.

"How… Why are you here?" I asked. I had been in America for a few months now, and I hadn't expected to see Kimi.

"I was going to surprise visit you. But he found me and took me here. I couldn't fight him, because he said he had a weapon on him…" She cried on me. I hugged her tightly then she sighed.

"He thinks that we're still dating. I tried to tell him that, after what he said back home, that we broke up. But he didn't believe me. He just laughed and said that I was in denial…" She cried into me some more. I forced my gaze to remain on her and not on those painful pictures.

I soon understood that the women in the pictures were only posing. The real things were painful. They would have been just as painful if he had intended to be gentle with me. If he had intended to leave my body unscarred. But he didn't care. He used my body in the most painful of ways.

He had hurt Kimi badly. He beat her head against the bed frame. He hit me a few times, but Kimi took most of the pain. She was, after all, his girlfriend. She was, according to him, supposed to like the pain that he gave her.

Kimi ended up in the hospital. My mom couldn't understand a lot of things. She couldn't understand how Kimi got here and got in the hospital for something to brutal. She couldn't understand why I wouldn't let anyone touch the back of my head. She couldn't understand why I wanted a mattress on the ground instead of a luxurious bed.

My brother knew that someone had hurt me. He saw the bruises behind my make up. He knew that someone had harmed me. He didn't know how much, though. I told him a little, and he always swore to never tell anyone.

One night I told him that I wasn't going to talk anymore. He nodded his head and cried for me.

"I can only imagine what pain you're in, Kagome. I saw the bruises on you after Kimi was put in the hospital. I know that someone hurt you. I wish I could have protected you, but I didn't even know something was wrong. It has something to do with the letters mom keeps finding, I know that… But I'm really sorry that I can't help you."

Souta kept apologizing to me over and over. Then he spent the night in my room, next to my mattress. He told me, right before he went to sleep, that he felt guilty for not taking care of me. For not being able to stand up for his little sister…

Mother started patronizing me and babying me. She started trying to get me to talk. I wouldn't, so she went to Souta and started intruding on his life. He was older, and more independent than I was at the time. So, he couldn't handle it. He came to me, told me everything I needed to know, and was gone the next morning.

And I have never shared this information with anyone or anything. I have always kept it locked up inside of my heart. I have always made sure that this information would not be known.

Now you, Mr. Diary, are the only one who knows. Don't tell anyone, because they might hate me too. They might want to hurt me for what I've done.

Before I forget. Kimi died. She had undergone a lot of surgeries, and her family stayed here for a while. But, after a four-month struggle for her life, she gave up. That's when I gave up on the rest of me. That's the time when I told myself that a lot of things just can't happen in my life…

I became the King of Pain, I told myself. Not the queen, because queens are pretty and flawless. No, I was a King of Pain.

Everyone, give HELL to the king.

O o O o O o O o O o O

If you knew that everything was a lie, then you would know the worst of it all. Because I can't tell you, you have to get it on your own. Because my pain is the perfect delight used for my demise…

O o O o O o O o O o O

DAMN, YOU PEOPLE NEED TO REVIEW SO I CAN UPDATE FASTER! Updating slow drives me absolutely insane, I'm sorry.

Okay, you guys all owe me. I gave you a chapter, even though I was two reviews short. That means you have two extra reviews to give me if you want even more. So... PLEASE REVIEW ALREADY!

Next Chapter: History Lessons
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- Lonely Bird