Summary: Kagome moved from Japan to America when she was in seventh grade. She stopped talking in eighth grade, and no one knows why. Now, in eleventh grade, Kagome will undergo a series of events that will dramatically change her...Kagome's POV.
Rated M. Why? Because my mind has many bad things in it and I don't know what I might use...
I changed the phrase at the bottom. There's no hidden message. I'll change it every five chapters, so you can read new things. These sayings at the bottom are just things that Kagome thinks need to be pointed out.
Dates
Written:
April 11th, 2006
April 12th,
2006
April 13th, 2006
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
The
Games We Play
Entry Six: History Lesson
X x X x X x X x X x X x X
Day Six: Friday
Day six of the King of Pain's records. Or day six of my downfall… I like the second one more.
Alright, I promised a full explanation of what happened to me in this entry. I will give you one, but I must tell you of some of the things that went on at school today. After all, it's the first time I've told someone my secret.
Miroku was joking around in perverted ways. He was asking very embarrassing questions, and I was rolling my eyes. Poor Inuyasha, because he had to answer most of them.
Miroku turned to me and opened his mouth to say something. I braced myself. I didn't want to cry like I did last time. I didn't want to throw up, even though I was pretty sure I would. I wanted to just sit there and not talk.
Miroku started to ask me the series of questions that Inuyasha went through. Before I could even get up and walk away, Sango growled at him. I mean, she growled at him.
"Miroku, shut up! No one wants to know the past on Kagome's sex life, save for you!" She snapped. Miroku nodded his head meekly and began to eat his food. I leaned over to the side and wrote Sango a small thank you for it. She smiled and asked what were friends good for.
Okay. I spent minimal time explaining my day, just so I could go into depth about my history. I may have to finish this tomorrow, just because it's a long and painful part of my life. I'll probably stop writing a lot, so please forgive me.
I'll give you my entire history, since everyone is denied that. I told you that, when I was young, my father and I got in a car accident. He died, and I lived. That changed me dramatically. I found it hard to smile all the time like I used to.
Over time, I healed slowly. I could not hear anything about a father, or else I would burst into tears. Kimi was my best friend at this time. She kept telling me how she had a boyfriend from America, and she was so happy about it. I smiled and told her that I was happy for her.
One day, my mother came home and said that she had been out of work. They were taking the company's business to another country where it was cheaper to work. My grandpa was making so much, he didn't mind taking care of us. He lived with us, too.
Then my grandfather came home when I was at the end of sixth grade. He told me that we were moving to America because he got a job offer for one of the best museums. I don't know the name of it, still.
So, that summer we packed up and moved across seas to America. I was so frightened, with what Andrew had told us at the party. He was the leader of a gang that raped women. And he liked me. That was horrifying, just to think about. But I told myself that I was safe. That the police in America would take care of me if something happened.
I didn't know that they wouldn't care.
Letters arrived every day for me. My mother never asked why I already had friends in America, she just gave the letters to me. It was Andrew, Kimi's ex-rapist boyfriend. I was horrified when I read some of the things he said. Then he started talking really nice to me. I was glad to hear him speak like this.
Then I told myself that he was just joking at the party. That he wasn't really that way. And that someone else was sending me those scary letters, not Andrew. He was nice in most of his letters.
When he asked me to meet him, I barely even hesitated. I had forced myself into a lie that everything was okay and that I would be fine. So, I went. This was in the beginning of seventh grade that I had done this. I met him on a Friday night.
We hung out and ate some food together. He acted just like I thought he would. There wasn't even a sign that he was serious about raping women. When he asked to show me something that was awesome, I agreed.
A part of me, the smarter part, told me not to go. I didn't listen, though. I just pushed it away and thought of how nice Andrew had been. There was no reason to be so concerned over a joke he pulled in Japan.
I didn't watch where he took me. But I was soon led into a room with pictures torn out of porn magazines. Women were being hurt by men in some of the most gruesome ways. They were being degraded in some ways that I had never known existed.
There were even pictures of women torturing women. I was horrified. This wasn't normal. I looked over at Andrew, and he looked proud of what he had done.
He said he had to leave for a moment. He pulled Kimi out of a closet then slammed me against a wall. He told me everything he would do to me if I even tried escaping. Then he pulled Kimi's gag out of her mouth and left.
Kimi and I talked for a while, and she cried into me. Andrew had picked her up at the airport and threatened to hurt her with a weapon if she didn't act casual around him. Kimi was coming to visit me, since they were out of school in Japan.
When Andrew came back, he had a few things in his hands. One was a small knife, I think it's called a dagger. He also had some supplies that looked like they were used to jumpstart a car.
He cut Kimi and I up. He used the wires on us and we both screeched in pain. He grasped Kimi's hair and slammed her head against the bedpost several times. He did that to me, but not as hard. Kimi got the worse of it since she was supposed to be his girlfriend.
He dropped us off at a park, fully clothed. I called for help immediately. But the ambulance didn't come for another half hour. I had my friend in front of me, bleeding all over my lap. I cried and asked her to hang on.
After the first ten minutes, she passed out. I would tap on different parts of her body to force her to stay as awake as she could. The ambulance came and took her from me. I had to yell at them in order to come with her.
Her parents flew here from Japan because of Kimi's condition. I skipped school for a long time and just sat there at Kimi's bedside, apologizing. I felt so horrible that I had done this to my best friend.
Kimi died after four months. She was strong, though. She had lost a lot of blood and should have died that first night. But she stuck in there for four months to prove that she was strong. Then she couldn't take it anymore and her body withered away.
I cried hard. I became less aware of the world around me. A week after Kimi died, I was so oblivious to everything, that Andrew had come again. This time, he had friends. I was trashed again, and left in the park. I returned home, to my mother's patronizing.
I returned home to that every day of school. Then Souta and I talked one night. I told him that I would stop talking. He said that he understood, but that he hoped things would be okay in my heart. He knew that there was a lot of uneasiness in me. He has the Holy Powers like I do. He knows stuff that no one else can figure out.
Then Souta told me he was running away. He gave me a phone number, email address, house address. He gave me everything that I would need to get in touch with him. That night, he slept on my floor and told me that he knew something happened.
I was surprised. He never hinted towards knowing both time I had come back from being raped. He had just told me that he knew something happened, and that he would try to be a better brother to me.
Then he left a day later. My mother started walking around, talking to herself. She would jump up in surprise when someone talked to her. She wasn't aware that there was a world anymore.
But, when she was needed, she would slip out of her world and come back into reality. She would do it only when there was no one else to do it for her. Then, as soon as the person was taken care of, she was gone again.
I suppose that it is my fault. I stopped talking, which made her baby-talk directed at Souta. He ran away because of that. Then she stopped living in this world and started taking up residence in another dimension.
My past is a mess, as you can tell. I've never even hinted towards the pain in my heart all these years. I've never let anyone know all the guilt that has plagued my heart after my father's death. Kimi's death, mother's insanity, and her brother's running away.
I don't know why I'm even telling you this. Sure, you're just a diary, but it feels all wrong to tell people what happened.
It's like after years of not talking, I finally admit my love for someone. It's just awkward and confusing to me. It might even be confusing to anyone else who knows that I'm writing a diary.
I guess I should get back on track. I told you that I had been raped three times, and I have to explain how I was defensless enough for the other two to come along.
Naturally, you would think that I would have been on high alert after having been raped. But, because of Kimi's death, I wasn't. I could hardly even lift my head to look at someone. Because of my depression, I was unable to stay alert.
They got me again. Not only did they rape me the same way as last time, I was forced to swallow things that I didn't even want around me. I cried hard, and I even tried to bite the man as he violated my mouth. He got mad, and I was given even more pain.
I was dumped in an alley way, cut up and beaten. I stayed there for a few days, starving and trying to get my energy to return. After a while, I managed to stand without falling right away. I practically dragged myself home.
No one was home at the time, and I was able to take care of my appearance so they wouldn't know right away what happened. Then we moved, during summer vacation. At the end of the vacation, I wasn't talking at all…
That's beside the point. The third time was after Souta had left. He had been gone for a week, maybe even two weeks when it happened. I had been walking to school to help out with a festival on Saturday. I still wasn't talking.
The men got me. I was so set on not talking, that I didn't scream. That time, as they used my body for their pleasure, I didn't do anything. I just laid there and cried. I wanted so much to reverse what turn my life had taken.
I cried so hard when they defiled me in another way. I cried until tears refused to come out of my eyes. I learned that my tears weren't helping me. They weren't making these men want to stop. They were encouraging them.
The men, including Andrew, thrived on my pain. They survived on it. If I acted like their actions weren't bothering me, then they would have left me alone much sooner. When I was unable to cry, I just stopped moving. I let them do whatever. I made it hard for them, too.
I wouldn't hold my body up. I would be limp and someone would have to support me. If I had done that the first time, even the second time, they would have stopped. Because I was becoming more of a hassle than my body could make up for, I was left alone.
I was completely cast off by their gang. They would look down at me with disgust, as if they had any right to call me dirty. I would go to school, still unable to talk and let people know of my suffering. Everyone would look down their noses at me.
It felt like everyone knew how dirty I was. It felt so painful to think that everyone knew what happened to me. So, I stopped trying to smile, even. Before, I tried to be friendly, but that changed as everyone acted like I was less than them.
And I was. That was why I couldn't take it. They knew I was a tainted person, and I wasn't going to act like they were being deceived. I was tainted, and I made no attempt to prove otherwise.
I blamed myself constantly.
In the middle of my first year, I made friends. Miroku saw the pain in my eyes, as did Sango. At the time, neither of them were friends. They both agreed to sit with me at lunch, even if I didn't want them to.
Sure enough, they did. Every single day, they sat with me at lunch. Then Miroku brought his friend, Inuyasha. Soon, all three of them were eating every day with me. On days when one was missing, I noticed.
I began to consider them as my friends. I was almost afraid to consider them as such, though. Perhaps this was just a trick to get me even lower. After all, they may have looked down their noses at me. How as I going to know that they truly cared and wanted to be my friend?
In Sophomore year, I received a harsh note from Andrew. I checked the mail on the way to school, and it had been with me. I cried so hard all over again. When they met with me in front of school, Sango saw my tears. She read the first few sentences in the letter then hugged me.
She promised to be there, and so did Miroku. Inuyasha grunted, blushed, and then said that he would be there for me, just as long as I didn't piss him off on purpose. I grinned then threw my arms around him.
I liked him just a little bit at the time. When I had hugged him that day, I felt like I liked him even more. I would not allow myself to say I loved him. That would be forgetting everything that I had gone through and trying to be naïve all over again. I knew that being ignorant is what caused my pain three times in one year.
After the hug, I instantly missed the warmth of him. I yelled at myself for three weeks to get over the feelings. I told myself over and over again that there would be no chance of him loving me back.
I tried to push my feelings away. I tried to make them go to someone else or just vanish into thin air. They only grew stronger each day I had lunch with him. Of course, on the days we fought, I would like him more.
I don't know how I started talking about rape to my feelings for Inuyasha. I told you, I have ADD. But…
Would it be so terribly wrong to try trusting people again? I haven't trusted anyone for around four years now. Perhaps it's almost five years. I don't know for sure. But I'm so afraid.
What if I try to trust someone and they trample all over me? What if they do the same things to me that Andrew and his gang did? I don't want to be disgraced a fourth time. I don't need it.
I've been made dirty enough. I don't need to be made more dirty.
So, that's settled. I cannot fall in love. It will only cause me more pain. I cannot trust people. That causes me more pain as well.
The day I start talking is the day that I will trust people. Didn't you know, Mr. Diary? I stopped talking for two reasons. You know one of them.
Reason One: To eliminate all temptation to tell people of what happened to me.
Reason Two: To keep myself as far away from people. I don't even trust myself, what makes me think that other people are trustworthy?
O o O o O o O o O o O
The pain is worse than you think. People often misunderstand the pain that comes with being trashed. Not just once, but three times. People often fail to realize that there are emotions behind the humiliating actions…
O o O o O o O o O o O
:yawn: I'm tired. Spring break is so damn boring, you guys. Please save me! Oh, sorry that this chapter took so long to make. I was kinda being a lazy ass. Even though I'm bored, I've been doing other pointless things…
Next Chapter:
Self-Defense
Reviews Needed: 60
- Lonely Bird
