Her hands were stained red with blood. They were shaking. She was shaking.

The limp body of her husband was cradled in her arms. Explosions and gunshots surrounded her cries and muffled any sort of relief she might receive.

The rest of the resistance passed her by. They knew there was nothing they could do to ease her pain.

Kara splashed water on her face and stared at her reflection in the mirror. There were large, dark circles under her eyes, and her face looked almost haggard. Her hands came up to rub the worry lines on her face.

"Captain."

Kara's gaze shifted in the mirror to see the Chief staring at her. "What do you need?"

"You're supposed to be talking with Kat about finding a new source of ammo for us to use."

"Frak." Kara said, standing up straight. She grabbed a towel off the counter and, after wiping her face, flung it away. "How late am I?"

"About an hour."

"Is she really pissy?"

Tyrol's eyebrows went up. "It's Kat."

"Frak," Kara hissed.

Tyrol shifted to block Kara's access to the hatch. "If you're… not up to this, I can talk with Kat."

Kara's face went from tired to pissed off within seconds. "What are you implying, Galen?"

"You look tired. You have ever since the day An-"

Kara's fist whipped out to connect with Tyrol's gut, causing him to double over. She leaned down to whisper in his ear. "You know better than to talk about that, Chief."

"Sorry," Tyrol mumbled, taking a few steps to the side.

"No problem." Kara gave Tyrol's shoulder a light pat as she walked by. She knew the Chief would forgive her once the pain in his belly died down. They had spoken about this before. She did not want to talk about that day.

The corridors started to blur as she navigated her way down to the planning room where Kat was mostly likely to be. She passed a few pilots as she went along, but everyone had learned rather quickly that Starbuck did not want to stop and chat.

Her fraking head was pounding.

"Kara."

Kara paused to look at the man who had been steadily trailing her this whole time. "What the frak do you want now?"

"I just wanted to make sure you and I are clear."

Kara rolled her eyes. Sometimes Sam really drove her crazy. "We're fraking clear. Everyone's starving. They need food. We're getting food."

"It's not that simple."

"It's not that complex."

She could tell he was going to continue arguing with her the whole way into New Caprica City, but suddenly the air erupted in explosions. It didn't take much to realize what was happening.

The Cylons had found their base.

"Get down!"

Kara felt herself being pushed into the dirt and fought the urge to elbow her husband until he got off of her. She did not need his protection. She was the leader here, not him.

In the back of her head, there was a voice screaming at her to do it. Something was telling her she needed to push Anders off her body now before it's too late. The explosions rang out all around her, drowning out that little voice.

"We need to get back to the base."

Stay here. You need to stay here. Don't move.

Kara gave him a nod, and accepting his hand, let him pull her up. Together they jogged through the woods. She knew that a few of the Cylons' gunshots were coming close, but there wasn't time to shoot back. They needed to get back to the base. She was the leader. Her people needed her to lead.

"You should have stayed down."

Kara twisted to see Kat making her way towards her. She looked around and realized she was standing in the middle of traffic in the corridor. She couldn't remember stopping. "What did you say to me?"

"I said you should have stayed in bed. I've got the ammo thing covered now, Captain. We're going to plan a raid on the abandoned military tents in New Caprica. It should be risky, but it will pay big."

"I don't want my people dying."

"Your people are dying anyway, Kara. Let them die for a good reason."

Kara narrowed her eyes. It wasn't a secret that Kat hated the fact that Starbuck was one of the people in charge, but the Viper pilot was really pushing it here. Kara wasn't actively allowing the resistance members to die. She wasn't sending them out on missions that had no purpose. "Fine. Take your team and raid the tents. I'll see you in a few days."

Kat's eyes went wide, and Kara wanted to laugh. Little shit hadn't thought she'd have to be a part of her suicide mission. Well, it was high time the girl learned the number one rule of planning missions.

Never plan a mission you wouldn't go on yourself.

"Idiot," Kara muttered.

After Kat had disappeared from sight, Kara let out a long sigh and decided she might as well visit the planning room anyway. It was her responsibility to make sure this mission was planned correctly even if she wasn't the one to come up with it.

The planning room was in chaos like always. Right in the middle was Gaeta. He had given up on President Baltar and his job as presidential aide as soon as the occupation began. It was funny how your true priorities came out in times of crisis. Kara gave him a small nod from her position leaning against the back wall of the room.

"Starbuck."

Kara turned to see Colonel Tigh. He was leaning against the wall not two yards down. She threw a salute out of respect for ranks long since obsolete. "I didn't see you standing there, sir."

"A great leader learns to observe first. Speeches come later," Tigh growled.

Kara gave him a nod. It was funny how the presence of this man she had hated for years had become so reassuring to her. She finally understood why the Old Man always put up with Tigh's crap. When he was sober, he was one of the best fraking leaders Kara had ever seen.

She followed the line of Tigh's gaze and smirked. Cally was shouting at a bunch of the new recruits. The girl had really taken to her job of coordinating the assignments given by all the leaders. Plus, it seemed Cally had picked up a few techniques from Kara on how to deal with the new blood.

Kara froze as the sound of his voice made her blood run cold.

"I've fought very hard to find you, Kara."

Her grip on the lifeless body of her lover tightened as her eyes rose to meet Leoben's. "You killed my husband," she hissed.

Leoben gave her that infuriating smile she had spent years trying to forget. "With pleasure," he added.

An intense pain went through her body. Leoben had enjoyed himself. He had taken away the one thing she loved, and it was making him smile. She could feel the tears begin to fall again. "I… I don't understand."

"You got him killed, Kara. You get everyone killed." Leoben crouched on the ground in front of her. "Your precious Commander Adama never stood a chance." With one last smile, the Cylon who had made it his mission to ruin her life left her alone with the tattered pieces.

Kara forced herself to look down at Lee. He looked so peaceful. That was something she had never seen before. In all the years she had known Lee, he was always on the move, always getting ready to do the next assignment. Kara's hand shook as she rubbed the blood off his face.

Maybe if she prayed hard enough, she could wake up to find this had all been a dream.

"Captain, are you listening?"

Kara realized Tigh was speaking to her again and snapped to attention. "I'm sorry, sir?"

"I said have you approved of Kat's mission?"

Kara's brow furrowed as she tried to remember what he was talking about. "Um… yes. I mean, no. I mean, I was going to. I just have to look it over first."

Tigh raised an eyebrow at her and shook his head. "Make sure you do that sometime soon."

Kara continued to stare at the hustle all around her long after Tigh had given up on their conversation. She had expected these flashbacks to happen. Seeing the man you loved die in front of you was something no one should have to live through.

She could have sworn it wasn't a memory this last time. When she looked down, it wasn't Anders in her arms. It was Lee. She knew for a fact that hadn't happened. There was no way. Lee hadn't been down on New Caprica. Had he?

Kara pushed off the wall and walked over to Cally. "Cally, was Apollo down on New Caprica during the last attack?"

A look of confusion and concern passed across Cally's face. "What are you talking about, Kara?"

Kara winced and pinched the bridge of her nose as she tried to clear her mind. After a moment, she looked up and gave Cally an apologetic smile. "I'm sorry. I don't where that question came from."

"Maybe you need some rest, sir."

Kara nodded. "Everyone keeps telling me that. Too bad Kat decided to plan a fraking suicide mission just when I needed a nap."

Cally smiled and reached across the desk to grab a handful of papers. "Here's a copy of the specs. Why don't you take them back to your quarters and have a look?"

Kara took the papers and sighed. "I think that might be a smart idea."

"We'll call you if anything comes up."

"Thanks, Cally." Kara made it to the hatch before the ex-deckhand called out her name.

"Sir, you still needed to file your report about An- the incident," Cally corrected. "Tigh's going to be demanding to see it pretty soon."

"I know," Kara said. She gave Cally one more not-so-reassuring smile and then turned to leave the chaos behind.

The room she was bunking in was eerily quiet as always. It hadn't been that noticeable when Sam was around to the share the space, but now that she was alone…

Kara sighed and threw the reports on the desk. She didn't have to go over them. Kat knew what she was doing. Kara had spent weeks making sure of that back when times were simpler.

Kara threw herself into the chair and slammed her feet onto the desk. Sighing, she shut her eyes and tried to forget about how much her life sucked for a few seconds. She knew she looked tired, but there was no way she was going to fall asleep. She had slept all of two hours in the past three days, and she had to work hard to get both of those hours.

The gods were not smiling down upon her. Not anymore.

Kara made it to just outside the resistance base she had been calling home for this mission. Most of the tents were in flame, but there was no one insight. No resistance members. No wayward civilians. No Cylons.

"The toasters were here," she muttered, "but where the frak did they go?"

Another explosion rang through the air before Anders could answer, and their bodies were flung to the ground. Kara tasted blood in her mouth, and her ears were now ringing. Familiar hands helped her up and she let herself feel relief for a brief second. Anders was okay.

"Come on, Kara," Anders hissed. "We need to find the Chief or Tigh."

"How do you suggest we do that?"

"Everyone appears to have evacuated. My guess is they're moving to the supply outposts in the forest. We can start there."

Don't go to the outpost. Don't go to the outpost.

Kara shook her head until the screaming voice inside died down. "Lead the way."

Kara's feet hit the floor, jarring her awake. Her hands sprang out on instinct to grab the clock off the desk. Only ten minutes had passed. "Frak me. I can't even sleep when I'm having nightmares."

Shaking her head, she reached out for the papers on Kat's mission. She browsed through them and signed the approval line with a quick flourish. Standing up, she made her way across the room, taking the time to kick of her boots. She only had to wait a few seconds for someone to walk past her quarters. With a few curt words, the approved mission parameters were on their way to the planning room via one intimidated ex-gardener.

Kara slammed the hatch shut and slipped the jacket off her shoulders. She ran her hand through her hair and grimaced as her hand caught in some dried paint. She had been helping the Chief camouflage a few of their transports with paint the night before, and it looked like she got a little sloppy in the application.

She made her way over to her locker, and pulling the door open, she flung the jacket inside. She examined her reflection in the mirror. There was definitely grey paint in her hair. Kara wondered if she had time to sneak in a proper shower before someone started missing her.

Her eyes drifted down past the few photographs she had taped up inside to catch on the only bright spot in her whole locker. Without even realizing she was doing it, her fingertips came out to brush the light lilac material of the dress. It had been a present from the former President.

Kara felt familiar tears pooling in her eyes.

Rubbing them away with the back of her hand, she let go of the dress. No matter how hard she wanted it to, that day was never coming back.

Closing her eyes, Kara started humming the music that had been playing the night Anders asked her to marry him. He had taken her outside underneath the stars and pulled her into his arms. Together they swayed and for the first time, Kara forgot she should be on guard.


Her body swayed to the soft hum as Kara remembered that feeling of being safe. She could still feel his warm breath against her cheek when he asked her to be his forever.

She was running through the woods at full speed. She had told him to wait. She had said that she would only be a minute. She just had to check to make sure that every single person was evacuated before they tried to find the rest of the group.

The fraker hadn't listened. He never listened.

"I am going to kill you," she grumbled, jumping over a fallen tree.

Her legs were just starting to pound when she saw him up ahead. He was standing in the middle of the clearing, his eyes locked with hers. She skidded to a stop. Something was wrong.

"Lee?"

"I love you."

The words were mouthed seconds before the gunshot split the air. Kara felt her body jerk and knew it was from the sound of her heart breaking. A scream erupted from the very pit of her, and her body wrenched forward into an all-out sprint.

She slid to the ground and picked his body up into his arms. Somehow she knew it was over before it had begun.

The dress fell to the floor as Kara snapped back to reality. She couldn't remember picking it up, but it had been in her hands. Her eyes frantically looked around the room. For a few seconds, she couldn't figure out where she was. Then she remembered.

She immediately wished she could forget.

Her hands were trembling. She could see the last look of pain written on Lee's face.

Kara froze. Lee's face? That couldn't be right. Why would it be Lee's face? "What the frak is going on?" Kara felt like she had said that phrase at least a hundred times since she tore herself out of bed. Everything was so confusing.

She stumbled over to her bunk before her knees could give out and took a seat. Staring down at her hands, she willed them to stop shaking. It was no use. She was completely terrified, and she had no clue why.

"I need sleep. I just need sleep." Her tone was less than reassuring.

Kara stretched her body out along the bunk and pulled the covers over her body. She didn't take the time to undress. She would only have to get up and put the clothes right back on as soon as the next crisis hit.

"I need to be sure," Kara insisted. "I am not going to be responsible for another person's death."

"Kara…" he started.


"No! Don't fraking start with me. I'm your superior, and this is an order. I'm going in." Kara sighed and brushed a kiss across his lips. "Just stay here, Zak. I'll be back in a few minutes."

Kara rolled over onto her other side.

"I'm…" He coughed, and Kara could see a small drop of blood pooling at the corner of his mouth. "I'm sorry, Kara."

"You have nothing to be sorry for," Kara choked out through the tears. "Nothing."

"I should… should have listened."

"Please," Kara whispered, not knowing who exactly she was pleading to. All she knew was this was the last thing she wanted when she formed the resistance with the others. "Please don't leave me, Sam."

Kara punched at the covers and flipped on her back. Her hands unconsciously came up around her head.

"You've always been better without me, Kara"

"No."

"You'll be fine. Hold strong. The Old Man… he's coming for you."

"No!" Kara yelled.

"I love you."


"You cannot leave me, Lee. You said that we were okay. We are not okay if you die. Do you hear me, Adama? I am not okay with this." Her grip on his body tightened as she felt his breathing fading out. "Lee, please. Don't leave me."

Everything stopped as Lee's eyes went blank. His body lost its last bits of strength, and she felt his full weight pressing down on her. "No," she hissed as the last bit of hope drained from somewhere inside of her. "Please…"

A groan escaped Kara's lips, and her hands began clawing at her body.

"I've fought very hard to find you, Kara."

Kara froze as the sound of his voice made her blood run cold.

Her grip on the lifeless body of her husband tightened even more as her eyes rose to meet Leoben's. "You killed the man I love," she hissed. Her eyes fell down to look at Lee's face. He was really gone.

Leoben gave her that infuriating smile she had spent years trying to forget. "With pleasure," he added. "I had to do it. I had to free you so you can feel the love of the true god."

An intense pain went through her body. "I loved this man more than I ever loved anyone in my life. He means more to me than your pitiful false god."

"But you almost killed him, Kara. You were prepared to just let him pass those flight tests even though he didn't have the skill necessary."

Kara felt her face go white. She had no idea how Leoben knew about her almost passing Zak and how it could have been his death. "I never meant it."

"You never mean anything, Kara." Leoben smiled and took a few steps closer. "Your selfishness is fascinating. You keep ruining life after life, and each time you say you never meant to do it. He was safe, you know. On Caprica. I was watching over him. We had special plans for Samuel Anders, but you had to go and interfere. You had to have the man because you were selfish and needed to feel wanted."

"I saved him," Kara growled.

"You damned him," Leoben corrected. "Know that I take pleasure in making you see that. You are so beautiful when you suffer."

Kara's eyes fell down to Lee. "I… I didn't mean it. I left you behind because I didn't want this to happen."

"Excuses, excuses," Leoben taunted.

Kara's jaw stiffened as her eyes shot up to glare at the Cylon in front of her. "Frak you."

"I only wished you could, but it is not in god's plan."

"Frak god's plan." Kara's hands brushed the hair out of Anders' face, and her heart started breaking all over again. What had she done to deserve this? He had taken away the one thing she loved. He had taken away her best friend, the brother of the man she should have married, the only man she had ever truly desired. He had taken Lee, and it was making him smile. She could feel the tears begin to fall again. "I… I don't understand."

"You got him killed, Kara. You get everyone killed." Leoben crouched on the ground in front of her. "Your precious link to the Adama family never stood a chance. The family was always too good for you. His brother resented the way you pushed Zak to be a pilot even though he wasn't good enough. His father didn't even care about your existence until he was gone. And Anders? Anders only wanted to tame the animal within you. He wanted to control you, and you just let him. You should be glad he's gone." With one last smile, the Cylon who had made his mission to ruin her life left her alone with the tattered pieces.

Kara forced herself to look down at Lee. He looked so peaceful. That was something she had never seen before. He had been fighting for so long in a war he had done nothing to create. Sam was just a pyramid player in the wrong place at the wrong time. Kara couldn't help wondering if maybe it had been better if he was in the stadium the morning the machines attacked. Would it have been simpler for him to die?

His body was so still in her arms. It made her want to scream. In all the years she had known Lee, he was always on the move, always getting ready to do the next assignment. Kara's hand shook as she rubbed the blood off his face.

Maybe if she prayed hard enough, she could wake up to find this had all been a dream.

Kara shot up in bed, a cold sweat chilling her body. Her mind reached out for reality, and she could feel herself begin to shake as it slipped right out of her grasp. A whimper fell from her lips when the sobs took over. They were low, almost guttural, coming from a place she had shut off a long time earlier. Her hands came up to circle her body, and she began to rock to a rhythm that was only in her head. Her mind was slipping away, breaking piece by piece, and she wasn't sure how to fix it.

She was a little girl again, trying to claw the demons from her skin.

His last words would haunt her forever.

They were soft, barely audible, and mingled with coughs that brightened the red staining his lips.

"You nev… never really loved me, Kara. I… I always knew that. I wish… I could have… So sorry…"