Kara drew the roll of gauze around her left arm, covering the fresh scratches before anyone could see them. She had about one hour before the blood started soaking through. Then she would have to steal away to switch the bandaging. It was better than the alternative of trying to explain why every night when she went to sleep she woke up to find she had tried to claw the marriage tattoo off her skin.

She stumbled into the hallway, doing her best to ignore how painful it was to walk. That morning, she had woken up to find herself banging on the hatch as if she was trapped inside a room with no air. She had frantically tried to claw her way out of the room, and it left her with massive bruises on her right side.

If she tried really hard, the winces were barely noticeable.

Cally had told her to take a break a few days ago when she passed out in the middle of planning a mission. Kara had agreed, but she knew in her heart there was no way. The Chief had left two weeks before under orders by Tigh that not even Kara was privy to. Without Tyrol around, it feel to Kara to keep the troops in line. They listened to her.

"I can rest when I'm dead," Kara mumbled to herself as she dragged her body down the corridors.

The planning room was almost empty. A few of the pilots Kara had served with on Galactica were talking something out with Cally, but that was about it. A wave of relief washed over her. It was always easier to keep up the façade when there were only a handful of people around.

"Starbuck," Cally said, waving her friend over. "Duck was just trying to explain why we have no chance of maintaining communication with any ship hovering above the planet."

Kara's brow furrowed as she tried to make sense of what Cally said. "Why the frak would we care about communicating with the base stars?"

The pilots exchanged looks before Duck finally spoke up, "We were all assuming Galactica and Pegasus might be up there someday, not the base stars."

"Oh," Kara said. She felt the urge to smack her head against the desk. She should have realized that. The resistance had only been preparing for that day since the first Cylon set foot on New Caprica. "I must still be half asleep."

Kara could feel Cally's eyes roaming over her face and knew that the ex-deckhand wasn't falling for it. Cally knew she hadn't slept last night. She always knew.

"Guys, could you give me a second with the Captain?" Cally said. She never took her eyes off Kara as the pilots nodded and made their way out of the room as quickly as possible. They could sense a storm brewing. "Kara," Cally started.

"I'm fine, Cally. It's just the stress of not having the Chief around. There's a lot to do."

"Kara."

"I said I was fraking fine!" Kara screamed. She braced herself against the table as the wave of anger drained her little bit of strength away.

"I know you loved him and you wish he was still here, but he's not coming back. He's dead."

Kara shook her head. "He's not dead, Cally. No matter what I think, he's not dead."

Cally's face paled. "You don't really believe that, do you?"

"Lee is not dead," Kara hissed. She knew her dreams kept telling her otherwise, but she wasn't about to let them win. She was determined to stay in control.

"Of course he isn't," Cally said, taking a tentative step towards Kara. "I wasn't talking about Lee."

"Well who the frak were you talking about?"

Cally reached out to touch Kara's shoulder. "Are you all right?"

"I'm fine. Now would you just fraking tell me who I'm supposed to think is dead?"

"Your husband, Kara." Cally's grip on her arm tightened. "Sam's dead."

Kara's face went white as a sheet, and she could feel her knees give out as the memories started slamming back into her. Things had gotten so jumbled that she forgot. She was fighting so hard to try to figure out what was a lie that she lost what was the truth. "Sam… Sam's gone?"

"Oh gods, Kara."

Kara turned to see Cally staring at where her hand was gripping Kara's arm. She was holding on so tight that she had aggravated the scratches. Kara's blood had soaked all the way through her layers of clothing. It was odd that Kara didn't feel the pain that should have caused. "I'm fine. It's nothing, Cally. Let go. I'm fine."

"Kara Thrace, you need to stop fraking lying to me. You are not fine. Something is wrong, and I swear to the gods, if you don't tell me right now, I'm going to make a scene something fierce, and you do not want that."

"I know you're concerned, but really it's just the stress of what's happening. We're back to the start, fighting for our lives every single day with no end in sight. It would throw anyone for a loop."

"You're not anyone," Cally insisted. "And stress doesn't explain why your arm is hurt."

"I've been having nightmares."

"Kara…"

Kara smacked her fist against the table, scrapping the knuckles against the rough metal. "No, you can't blame me for that. You can't judge me for being upset that my husband died. You would be going through the same thing. So I'm having a hard time dealing with it. I saw I'm allowed. I've earned the right to be upset. For months, I was the backbone of this gods-damn Fleet. Can't I let go for just one fraking second without everyone getting on my back? 'What's the matter, Kara'? 'You should talk about it, Kara'. 'What's the next plan, Kara'? I'm fraking tired of having to be the one in charge when all I need is one day of peace and quiet to get my head straight. I just need to get my head straight."

Kara gripped the edge of the table and felt herself struggling to regain her breath. Her little outburst had left her gasping for air. She was almost back in control when she felt Cally's hand rest on top of hers.

"I wasn't accusing you or blaming you, Kara. I was just going to ask what the nightmares were about."

Kara's eyes went wide as she realized what she had done. "His death, Cally. I keep seeing his death. Only it's not. I can't figure out what's real." Kara ran her fingers through her hair. "Frak me. My head is throbbing."

"You shouldn't have yelled," Cally pointed out.

Kara was about to say something sarcastic when the pounding flared out into one big bang. Her hands came up to clutch the sides of her head, and she could feel herself pitch forward against the table. The little voice was taking over again. "No, I'm not going to fraking do this."

She could hear Cally's voice calling out her name, but it sounded so far away. She could smell the blood on her arm, and the image of Anders' fallen body flashed through her mind.

"Don't leave me, Sam," Kara whispered.

"I'm only leaving because you want me to."

Kara looked up to see Leoben was smiling down at her. This time he wasn't alone. Sam was standing by his side. He had been the one to speak. "I don't want you to go."

"You don't want me to stay," Sam said with a shrug. "We both know I was never a permanent part of your life."

"I married you, Sam. I don't know what else I could have done to let you know that I wanted to be with you forever."

His face turned up in a sad smile "You could have loved me, Kara. You could have showed me that you really did want me."

"I don't understand."

"Even in death, it's him you want by your side."


Kara followed Anders' eyes down to the man cradled in her arms. A faint buzzing filled the back of her head. She knew this wasn't right. Anders was the one who was supposed to be dying. He
had died in her arms. This wasn't supposed to be Lee. "I don't want him to take your place."

"Really, Kara," Leoben finally spoke. "You're still going to lie to the man even after he gave up his life? He loved you and that killed him. Yet it's not enough. He was never enough to you."

"He was everything."

"Then why do you clutch to the memory of Lee Adama? Why do you refuse to let him go?"

"You let me go," Anders pointed out.

"I never let you go. You chose to leave me."

"I chose to get myself shot by the Cylon with the crazy obsession with you?" Anders shook his head. "No, Kara. You were the one that forced me to be in this resistance. If I wanted to hang on to you, I had to become that kind of man. I had to be the Sam you knew on Caprica, not the Sam who was standing in front of you, desperately wanting to be with you forever. It's your pattern, Kara. Every man you ever met, you tried to turn into him."

Kara looked down at Lee and shook her head. "No."

Leoben's voice came down close to her ear. "You need to chose, Kara. Who's it going to be? Who are you going to mourn today? Which part of the pain is what's eating you up inside, pushing you to the edge?"

Kara watched Lee's face morph into Anders and then Zak's. It was an unending cycle as she felt her guilt cutting into her. This was wrong. Zak wasn't dead. Or was it Lee who was alive? She turned her head to look at her surroundings. She couldn't figure out where she was. Was this Caprica? New Caprica? Picon? She couldn't remember.

"No," she whispered. "No no no no no."

Kara started screaming at the top of her lungs and pushed away from the table. She stumbled back against the wall. Cally's hands came out to keep her from sliding to the ground.

"I would have died for him," Kara whispered. She could feel the tears running down her cheeks. She didn't care.

"Who?" Cally finally asked. Her hand came up to touch the cheek of her very broken friend.

Kara's eyes came up to look at Cally. Cally had to fight the urge not to gasp. They were so vacant. She had never seen Kara this way before.

"I… I wish I knew," Kara said. She slumped back against the wall. Her eyes continued to hold the spot just past Cally's shoulder. "I killed them, you know. Every single one of them. They're all dead."

Cally continued to watch Kara, but it was apparent that something had finally snapped within her. The Kara everyone knew and admired wasn't there anymore. All that was left was this irreparable shell, a shadow of what she had once been.

A knock on the hatch cut through the silence of the room, and Cally let Kara's body slide to the ground. She walked to the hatch, but Kara barely noticed. Her mind was busy trying to find the reality once again. It got harder each time.

Before she even realized Cally had moved away, she was back, crouching down in front of her. "I need to take care of some business, Kara. Are you fine staying here for a few minutes? It'll just be until I come back, not long at all. I promise."

Cally waited until Kara's head moved in a slight nod and then stood up. She made her way outside to the corridor. A handful of Marines were there to see her within seconds.

"Kat told us you needed some sort of guard."

"I want the planning room sealed off. No one is to go in there unless I say so, not even Colonel Tigh. If someone has a problem with that, have them come find me. Do not let them inside that room." Cally let her words sink in before she started moving down the corridor. She got halfway to the end before she turned back. "That goes for you lot as well. No matter what you hear coming from inside that room, screaming, crying, I don't care. You are not to go in there."

Cally managed to make it out of the Marines' sight before she started sprinting. She made it to her quarters in record time.

"Happy to see me again?" Galen Tyrol asked as his wife burst into the room.

Cally didn't respond. She simply fell into his arms and started crying. Tyrol felt his stomach drop out. "Cally?"

"I tried, Galen. I tried, but I lost her."

"What are you talking about?"

Cally pulled back to look into her husband's eyes. "We all know that Kara's been working through some issues, but I really thought she would be fine. I thought she would work through it. Gods, she was so lost that day we went back to the base to get the last of the supplies and found her cradling Anders' body."

"I'm just glad we were able to be there so soon after Leoben shot him. I don't know what Kara would have done if we hadn't forced her to snap out of it."

Cally shook her head. "She didn't snap out of it. She's been fooling every single one of us."

"What happened?" Tyrol said, taking a few steps back as he shifted himself away from the personal connection he had to Kara. He had a feeling he needed to be Chief Tyrol, leader of the resistance, right now instead of Galen, husband and friend.

"I lost her. I was just trying to get her to admit that she was still tired, and something snapped. She started crying and screaming. She was clawing at her head and yelling at someone to shut up. She said she couldn't take it anymore. She said she didn't want anyone else to die." Cally sighed. "I think she's been having flashbacks and didn't tell anyone, and I think the flashbacks are worse than we think. I'm not sure she understands what really happened anymore. She seems to think Commander Adama might have been the one that died instead of Anders, and she called out Zak's name a few times. I don't know if Kara understands what's real and what's imaginary. I don't know what to do, Galen."

"We can't do anything," Tyrol said, nodding as a plan started forming in his head. He hated to see his wife this upset, but he couldn't dwell on that right now. "You and I can't do anything, Cally, but I think I know someone who can."

"If you even suggest Tigh or Kat…" Cally's voice trailed off as she fought the urge to smack her husband. "I know it's her usual strategy, but fighting is not going to fix this for Kara."

"Not necessarily," Tyrol insisted. "We just have to make sure Kara's fighting with the right person."

"And who would that person be?"

"Who else?" Tyrol smirked. "Lee Adama."

"Not fraking funny," Cally hissed.

"Not fraking kidding," Tyrol countered. "It's happened, Cally. We made contact."

Cally's mouth dropped open. "That's where you've been these past few weeks?"

"That's where I've been. Listen. I can explain the details later. Right now we need to fraking hurry."

"What are you talking about?' Cally asked, her face lighting up with confusion.

"You said we can't do anything for Kara right now, and I agree. I don't think Kara would even let us get close. The only person she would ever trust that much is Apollo." Tyrol grabbed Cally's hand and pulled her out into the corridor. "Where's Kara?"

"Locked up in the planning room. I have a couple Marines guarding the door. No one's going in and no one's coming out."

"Good. Make them clear the hallway."

"For what?"

"Commander Adama has been personally drawing up plans to take back New Caprica with me for the past few days. His Raptor's still down on the surface, but it won't be for long. He's scheduled to go back to his ship in a few hours. There's a resistance attack set up as cover, although no one knows that's what it's for. We need to get Kara on that Raptor."

"I don't understand."

"She's no good to us down here if she can't keep her head in the game"

"So you're just going to ship her away?"

"It's for her own good, and I'm not just shipping her away. I'm sending her back with Lee. He'll take care of her, Cally. He always does. She'll be safe, and you and I can focus on doing what has to be done."

Cally grumbled under her breath until she and Tyrol reached the Marine guards. She growled out an order for them to clear the hallway before turning back to look at her husband. "You're right. There's nothing we can do. So let's just get this fraking over with before I realized just how much I'm betraying my friend."

Tyrol rested his hand on his wife's shoulder, and in that moment, she knew she wasn't alone in feeling guilt. They both knew that out of everyone in the resistance, Starbuck deserved to be here the most. She had given the most to the cause. It was a crime for them to be taking this away from her.

After a few moments, Tyrol gave a quick look up and down the corridor and then pushed the hatch open. Cally pointed to the table in the middle of the room and followed silently behind him as they crossed the threshold.

Tyrol kneeled down in front of Kara. His heart ached to see that she barely even noticed he was there. "Kara, it's me, Galen. I'm here to help."

Kara muttered something and looked down at the ground.

"What did she say?" Tyrol asked, looking up at his wife.

"She said nothing can help," Cally whispered.

Tyrol turned back to the fallen woman. "Frak that. I'm going to pick you up now, Kara, and we're going to get you to a place where you can get better. You trust me, don't you?" Kara stared at him a moment before giving a quick nod. "Good."

Tyrol's arms slid around her. He hadn't realized how much weight she had been losing until he had her in his arms. She weighed next to nothing. "Everything's going to be okay now, Kara."

Cally walked in front of her husband all the way through the base and out into the forest around it, making sure that no one was around to see what they were doing. Starbuck was almost an iconic figure of this resistance. It would be hard enough explaining why she was no longer around. They didn't need to explain why Tyrol had to actually carry her away.

Tyrol slid Kara into the passenger's seat of a transport and gave a sigh. Turning to Cally, he smiled. "You have to stay here."

"Of course I do."

"I won't be long. I just need to catch Lee before he leaves."

"Go," Cally said. She reached out to touch her husband's cheek. "But hurry back. I'm going to need you to help explain this."

Tyrol leaned in a for a quick kiss and then he was gone.

Cally let out a long sigh. This was not how she thought her day would go.