Chapter 3 – Butch Axel and the Keyblade Kid

Xaldin entered the meeting room and checked his watch. He was early for the meeting. He glanced at the rock crystal bottle in his hand. It was large, carved in the shape of a dragon – resembling the Dragoon Nobodies. He pulled off the diamond-shaped stopper. The scent of cologne drifted into the room.

Xigbar walked in. "You know, I never cared much for your cologne. It smells like that perfumed disinfectant they use in slaughterhouses."

Xaldin replaced the stopper.

"Why do you wear it?" Xigbar continued. "It dulls your sense of smell, and you give away your position. It's dangerous."

"I don't care," replied Xaldin.

"And ever since Vexen and the others died, you've been wearing so much. You used to wear just a little bit, but now…yuck. I could smell you halfway down the hall."

"And I could smell the alcohol on your breath minutes before you spoke. Isn't it a little early to be hitting the bottle? You used to have just a beer with dinner. Now you have vodka and orange juice with breakfast?"

"Indeed," came a calm, deep voice.

Xaldin turned to face Saïx. "How long have you been standing there?"

"Long enough." Saïx moved to the head of the table.

"You were eavesdropping," Xaldin said coldly.

Saïx snorted derisively. "Don't use that tone with me. I am your superior…"

"YOU'RE NOT THE SUPERIOR!" Xigbar and Xaldin snapped in perfect unison.

"By the way, have you two seen Axel? My coffee was cold this morning, and I'm sure he had something to do with it."

"Saïx, may I ask you something?" Xaldin said. "It seems that whenever something goes wrong, your first instinct is to blame Axel. If you wake up on the wrong side of the bed, it's Axel. Are you sure you're not just scapegoating him to hide your own inadequacies?"

"Well, Xaldin, I didn't ask for your opinion," snapped Saïx. "But I happen to notice Axel's office behavior follows a pattern. During the new moon, he squeaks his office chair, sneezes, burps, blows his nose, and makes a myriad of other noises. As the moon waxes, the noises slow to a stop. During the full moon, I have peace and quiet. But as the moon wanes, the noises come again. And then there are the practical jokes that follow this same pattern. Like the power failure during my slide lecture, or the love letter I thought was from Larxene, or the purple hair dye in my shampoo bottle."

"I remember that!" Xigbar grinned. "You looked like Barney!"

"I didn't touch your coffee," Axel strode into the room. "And I didn't pour hair dye in your shampoo bottle. It was wash-out dye. I would have used permanent."

"I remember it, too," Demyx was behind Axel. "Oh, Saïx, you should have seen your face. And then you ran back into the bathroom and washed your hair over and over."

Luxord followed Demyx. "Yes, and he must have run out of hot water after the sixth wash. But he kept right at it until all the dye was out."

Roxas came in.

"Enough!" Saïx threw his arms in the air. "That was not a pleasant experience, and I'd appreciate it if you stop reminiscing about it!" He slammed a small gavel on the table. "This meeting of Organization XIII will now come to order, so sit down." Everybody did so. "The Superior is negotiating the return of his Castle Oblivion deposit from Queen Mnemosyne, so I will preside the meeting today. First order of business: Axel, I simply cannot share an office with you anymore. You're going to share the big office with Demyx and Roxas. Effective immediately."

"Why do I have to move?" Demyx whined. "I like my office." He swiped his hand across the table and accidentally hit Xaldin's cologne bottle. The bottle sailed toward the floor.

Xaldin gasped and dove toward the bottle in a passable adaptation of the catch Dwight Clark made from Joe Montana during the 1981 NFC Championship. The bottle landed safely in his hands. Xaldin examined it. Intact, no cracks. Not a drop of the cologne spilled. He sighed with relief and set it down on the table. "It didn't break." Without warning, he lunged at Demyx, yanked him out of his chair, and slammed him against the wall.

Demyx gasped. "It was an accident! I didn't mean to!"

"If it had so much as chipped," Xaldin snarled, banging Demyx against the wall with each word. "You'd be wholly nonexistent!"

"I get it!" Demyx cried. "I'll never touch that thing again!"

"See that you remember, you miserable goldbrick," Xaldin gave him one last slam into the wall and released him.

Demyx returned to his seat. "You treat that cologne bottle as if it's made of gold."

"Shall we continue?" Saïx asked impatiently. "Next: the stores of alcohol are to be closed to Number Two for a period of three days."

"What?" Xigbar asked. "You…can't do that, Saïx!"

"The Superior says you've abused the privilege."

"He's never had a problem with my drinking before." Xigbar scribbled a note on a scrap of notebook paper: He's getting back at me for that 'Barney' comment. He passed it to Xaldin under the table.

Xaldin quickly wrote a reply: Typical Saïx.

If Saïx noticed the note-passing, he ignored it. "Here are the assignment slips. Xigbar and Xaldin will stay here and use our last synthesis materials to make elixirs. Healing items will be essential seeing as our doctor met his end." Saïx shot a pointed glare at Axel, who looked away and whistled. Saïx then turned to Demyx. "Demyx, you'll be going to Quaintinia."

"Quaintinia?" Demyx asked. "The country still stuck in medieval times?"

"Yes. You're going to gather some more synthesis materials. Even you couldn't botch that."

"I wouldn't be surprised if he did," Axel said snidely.

Demyx let out a miserable sigh. "He's right. You've got the wrong guy!"

Saïx ignored him and continued. "Luxord, you're to go to Saratoga."

"And his horse will naturally win," Axel said tiredly.

"Man, is there anything you won't bet on?" Demyx asked.

Luxord shrugged. "Eh. It's my shtick."

"Next order of business." Saïx sighed. "We're dangerously over budget. I've already had to hang up on Interworld Revenue twice. I alerted the Superior, and he came up with the most brilliant idea. Roxas will rob several banks."

Roxas remained poker-faced. Xigbar, Xaldin, Demyx, Axel, and Luxord exchanged glances around the table. For a few minutes, there was dead silence.

Then everyone except Saïx and Roxas burst out laughing.

"And we thought you didn't have a sense of humor, Saïx," Xigbar said.

Demyx gasped. "Roxas walks into a bank and says 'Stick 'em up!' Oh, that is so rich!"

Luxord agreed. "Priceless!"

"I'll be sure to tell the Superior that you found his plan so amusing," Saïx said.

The laughter stopped. Silence reigned once more.

"It makes sense," Demyx finally said. "The Keyblade can open any lock. And banks are where the money is."

Xaldin rolled his eyes. "Thank you, Willie Sutton."

"What about alarms?" Xigbar asked.

"The Land of the Red Rocks is not technologically advanced. Circa 1840. No alarms."

"That'll almost be too easy," Xigbar grinned. "I'd be happy to accompany the kid."

"That won't be necessary. Axel, do you think you can handle it?"

"Absolutely, sir," Axel replied in as humble a voice he could muster.

"And should something happen to Roxas, the Superior will hold you personally responsible." Saïx shoved a short stack of papers toward him. "Here's everything you need. You start tonight. Any new business?"

No one spoke.

"Very well," Saïx said, slamming down the gavel once more. "Meeting adjourned."

XXX

Axel mentally reviewed the directions. Hit all four banks in Dodge City, under cover of nightfall. Hide the moneybags in a covered wagon and drive it to Echo Mine. Dusks will courier the spoils to the World That Never Was. Be as inconspicuous as possible. Do not teleport unless it's an absolute emergency. "Inconspicuous," he muttered. "My hair alone makes that impossible."

Roxas summoned his Oblivion Keyblade. A beam of light shot from the end and hit the doorknob. The door flew open. "Come on."

Axel followed him into the wooden building. The floors creaked under their feet, but the sound was drowned out by the snoring of the security guard.

What's that old saying? "You snooze, you lose"? A chakram materialized in Axel's right hand. A swift swing brought the blades across the guard's throat, killing him instantly. Axel half-expected Roxas to gasp or object, but Roxas simply walked toward the back of the bank.

The vault door was made of sturdy metal. Roxas pointed the Keyblade at it and it swung open, just like before.

Piles of golden coins winked at the bank robbers.

XXX

Meanwhile, at the World That Never Was, Xigbar and Xaldin were trying to make medicinal elixirs.

Xigbar poured a handful of Power Stones into a crucible and held it over a Bunsen burner. "Man, Axel and Roxas get to rob banks. They get action. What do we get? Utter boredom."

"This is so payback for that 'you're not the Superior' line," Xaldin agreed dismally. He examined his powdered mythril.

There was a sudden explosion that rocked the lab. The glass jars of various materials shattered, spilling their contents all over the room.

"I forgot Power Stones tend to explode if you leave them over a flame." Xigbar said with a groan. "Man, Lexaeus was the one with the chemistry degree. Not us."

Xaldin sighed. Strands of purple Mystery Goo were stuck in his hair. "We should really use moogles for this."

Xigbar brushed bits of broken crystal from his cloak. "Someday one of us is gonna kill Saïx in his sleep."

XXX

Deputy Klontz gawked at the crime scene. The vault was wide open and completely empty. The security guard was dead. "There were no broken windows and no broken locks. Are these guys just really smart or really lucky?"

"Doesn't matter," Sheriff Rackem said, lighting a pipe. "Brains'll only get you so far and luck always runs out."

XXX

Axel surveyed Echo Mine. Mostly open space, with the occasional train tracks crisscrossing the dusty ground. A darkness portal was open. Dusks were carrying moneybags through it in what looked like a ridiculous bucket brigade. "

Axel stood next to his partner in crime. "Well, Roxas, you've just committed your first felony. How do you feel?"

Roxas's cheeks were almost white. "This was so wrong…but it felt so right." His voice was getting stronger and sounded more confident. "This was the most fun I've had in…well, as long as I can remember. I wonder if my Other ever fantasized about doing something this horrible."

Sora to open the vaults, the dog to hold up his shield and deflect bullets, with the duck driving the getaway vehicle. Axel snickered at the mental image.

"What's so funny?" Roxas asked.

"Oh…nothing."

End of Chapter 3

Author's Notes: I think this story's finally hitting a triumphant stride.

The Sheriff would undoubtedly be voiced by Patrick Warburton. Deputy Klontz would be voiced by Seth Green.

Axel and Saïx remind me of Sergeant Snorkel and Lieutenant Fuzz from Beetle Bailey, and so the chair squeaking from Chapter Two was born. After reading stories where Saïx torments Axel, I couldn't help thinking that Axel – who was in control in Chain of Memories – wouldn't just sit and take that abuse. But Axel can't stand up to Saïx directly, so he settles for squeaking his chair and playing practical jokes. I also added a subtle little hint that everyone else joins Axel in the pranking. Because nobody likes a sycophant. Why doesn't Saïx just report them to Xemnas? Well, running to the Superior would be like admitting defeat, and Saïx has his pride.

Xaldin's cologne bottle will be important later. Xaldin sometimes goes into a berserk state when you fight him – except he doesn't go berserk as often as Saïx. Naturally, I couldn't resist Xaldin getting mad. Demyx makes a great hapless victim.

Next chapter: Axel and Roxas continue their bank-robbery streak, and we check in on Luxord and Demyx.