5. Chapter 5: Putting Yourself Back Together
(Quentin's POV)
'It's over. I'm fine. I'm in the clear.'
He could finally rest with the weight of the situation easing off his chest at last. Nick believed him enough, or at least not treating him like a criminal, and now that the heat was off him, at least for a little while. Quentin knew that there are still going to be numerous problems in the future, but for the first time in what felt like forever, he could breathe. Sure, there was the whole no money, identification or anyone that he knew, but he was so mentally drained that he chucked it from memory for the time being. He felt safe enough and, most importantly, in a stable place. There was going to let nothing bog him down too much as he knew he had to stay strong for the coming times. But for now, he would rest to be ready for the next dilemma that would haunt him in some life direction, and this time he would be ready.
'Who am I?'
It didn't take long for his mind to sabotage his inner peace, and it was jarring and openly revealed that he was indeed not ready. Who really was he anymore? Sure, who you are from a personality standpoint is all skin deep but waking up as not just a different species but as a walking, talking animal from a movie no less really sets you to work with trying to figure out what makes you, you.
'Because what I need is an identity crisis.'
After an experience like this, he wasn't ever going to be exactly the same anymore, not after such an unsettling change to everything he was used to. Then there was dealing with his mortality and finding out just how mortal he was in the worst possible way. With all that, there was even why he didn't just stay dead. Has this happened to anyone else?
'No, no back on track. Who am I? Really? Hmm... I am. I am considerate, responsible and friendly and... no... this feels more like an interview. I'm not sure I even believe all that myself. How the hell do you describe yourself? God, I really am a fucking nobody wherever I go.'
Such a basic question plagued his mind for seconds, minutes and eventually an hour, trying to piece together a personal image that he himself felt was real. He considered briefly that maybe he'd lost his memories, or had suffered brain damage. From what he know's he was like, he felt no different and all the memories were still there. He knew it was just his poor self image, but everything he told himself felt like a lie. The only convincing one he'd told so far.
'Does it matter who I was or who I think I am? I could just be... better? Re-invent myself as easy as that would be. No-one knows who I am, for the worse. But why not just be a better. Present myself as a whole different person.'
Heartache and hope were swirling around in his mind at the thought. The one thing he knew to an agonising extent was his flaws. He felt unremarkable in every way he could imagine, and while this situation shouldn't have been the prompt for self improvement, it was. It was that or fall into existential crisis along with an identity crisis. Quentin was really trying to avoid another crisis he'd been through too many already.
The trade off of dying and losing his family wasn't worth it for an opportunity to change. Nothing ever would be. But Quentin was staying positive, trying hard to believe all the positive thoughts he was creating and willing them to be true. Sure, it was super easy for him to say "let's be a whole different person!" but anyone could see it's not that simple. He'd tried in the past to do things to improve himself, like burning off the excess kilos after Christmas, but it never happened. But now it was just a distraction.
'Where to start.'
Silence filled the air for minutes.
'Great job Quentin. "You should improve yourself" "Good idea how?" yeah fucking how.'
Once again, his mind drifted back to everyone he once knew out of habit as he gave up on trying to find somewhere to start. Then he remembered Dan and all his friends and everything that they had done and said, with a lightbulb going off in his head.
- Flashback -
"Come on, Quentin, what do you mean you don't know?" said Matty impatiently behind him.
"Oh, sorry, I don't know what I want to do with my life every step of the way. I'll draft up my 500 step plan when I get home," Quentin replied with both mocking and frustration.
"Don't be so dramatic. We just want you to pick off the menu, please!" Žofie replied dryly, "It's fast food. It's not complex."
He'd been standing here staring up at the menu for the last 15 minutes trying to figure out what he wanted to get agonising over every little thing. That's too expensive, that looks nice but it's not very filling, it's a summer day so should I just get ice cream or maybe I should get a cold drink, but what flavour? Quentin knew he was dragging out something so simple and having four increasingly irate friends standing behind him, food already in hand or being eaten. He'd already stepped out of the line to not hold up any other patrons, so that was no concern. He was self aware.
"Rome wasn't built in a day, you know."
"This isn't Rome. it's a fast food menu. Hurry the fuck up," Daniel said, muffled with a mouth full of food.
'Damn their constant bloody nagging'
"Fine, I'll get a Double Cheese and Beef Burger," Quentin said to the cashier before turning around to his relieved friends. "Happy now?"
"Very" "Uh hun" "Finally" "About time"
Quentin waited, irked by all the unneeded pressure they put on him, and now he wasn't even sure that he wanted anything anymore.
'I wish I'd got the ice cream. Maybe I would've if they didn't rush me, so now I've got a burger. Thanks, guys.'
He took his meal and said his thanks to the woman behind the counter and slid into the booth with the rest of his friends that were half done or finished and chatting by now.
"He arrives!" Žofie cheers.
"Yeah, piss off," Quentin said grumpily, unwrapping the food in as angry a fashion as he could manage.
The rest of the group chattered away for a while afterwards, with Quentin stewing in his frustration and trying to relax. Quentin knew they had a point, and it wasn't malicious, but did it have to be the topic of so many conversations?
'It's fine, it's over, just relax.'
"So, what are you going to be doing at university?" Daniel asks.
"I don't know," Quentin shrugged, "College hasn't even started up yet. I've got time."
"Yeah until you don't," Matty mumbled.
'Oh, my god. Lord, if you are out there, give. Me. Patience.'
"Look guys, I'll be fine don't worry. I'll find something. Look anyway, we've got 20 minutes till our go-carting session starts, so we need to get going."
- Flashback end -
Yeah, that would be a good start. Self-reflection was a bitch. He'd done the same thing when he first woke up here. Trying too hard to make the best decision and not really getting anywhere and if it wasn't for Judy and Nick, he'd probably have bled out in a park because he couldn't just go for it. Maybe it'll come easier now that it could have killed him again. Sure puts a lot of things in perspective, anyway.
'Good a start as any.'
More hours ticked by and he realised there were a lot of things that he'd not done or wished he had done leaving with far too many regrets for an 18-year-old. He's not kidding himself in saying that this will be easy to change, but it is somewhere to start because why not start a self-improvement journey now? Long-term goals are good and should keep him going, at least. The only other thing was living up to the memory of his family and to do them proud here or not.
'Can't believe it feels like I'm talking about them as if they're dead. What a world.'
Then there was his sister Anna, who was always a good example.
- Flashback -
"Morning, Anna," Quentin said, handing her the coffee jug.
"Morning, Quentin," Anna replied, pouring one out and sipping from the cup, perking up immediately.
"Why do you never look tired? What time did you go to bed?"
"Around 1 and I feel great. What are you doing today?"
'Absolute maniac, how does she get by with such little sleep?' It always amazed him with it was like she never needed to rest but still always seemed ready, up for everything and could do anything. He wouldn't tell her, but it always impressed him.
"I don't know yet. What are you doing?"
"You never know what you're doing," Anna jeered jokingly before sighing, "Well I've got a lecture that starts at 10, got an essay to proof read and submit by 3, then there's work and then at 8 I'm going out bowling and then going to bed."
Quentin stood there. 'How does anyone manage with such a packed schedule?'
"You really know how to put me to shame. You gonna manage aaaallllll that? Seems like a lot." Quentin said, a little stunned. He had nothing like that going on ever. It was normally just, college any work that is imminently due and then just playing games. Definitely feels bad hearing that.
"Got more going on Wednesday," Anna replied unfazed, "It's really not that bad I enjoy having things to do. I'd stop if it got too much."
"Sure you would. I still think it's unhealthy how much you cram your schedule."
- Flashback end -
That would also be something that would be nice to improve. Motivation. Quentin had already made his mind up on that a schedule being that packed is unhealthy. But if he could imitate even a fraction of her drive and organisation, then he could get through anything thrown at him. He'd always wanted to be more like his sister, and if she'd known, then her jabs and jokes would never have ended.
'Alright, I have purpose now. Be better and do my family proud. I can't believe it took me dying to try improve myself. I am such a mess.'
(27/11/22) Hello! We bring to a close another chapter. To be entirely honest, the chapter was written entirely today and interjected before what is now chapter 6. This is based on feedback about characterisation and also dealing with the situation such as 'Unknowns' self reflection idea along with others. Hopefully, this is a convincing chain of thoughts from our protagonist, but I'll just have to see when it's posted.
Now then there is chapter 6 which is mostly done asides from wrapping up the ending, editing and all that fun stuff. Why do I mention this you may ask? (Or not) Well I'll be busy over the coming week and as things go I try upload on roughly Sundays for UK time and with college work ramping up and other big important life things (yay.) I aim to get chapter 6 done and ready for Monday or at latest Tuesday. This will be the longest radio silence I've had and don't want to leave people in the lurch.
As a teaser for what's coming up, it is four different mini stories / events / realisations for Quentin, which I'm not sure where I would fit in otherwise, which should be fun. I also plan to have at least one Christmas chapter, which I think will be fun, as the story sort of flows with the real world year.
Sorry for the long author note. Feedback is always taken into consideration, so please send it my way. Thanks to all the reviewers for keeping me motivated.
Arrivederci
