I Need You Because I Love You
Disclaimer: Not mine.
It was Monday, and Lorelai was walking through the town square, a woman on a mission. She idly noted the cold shoulders and glares of the other townsfolk, but those had been happening for two months now, and she was used to it. Besides, she knew that they didn't get it. Today was Monday. The first day of her new life. Lorelai Gilmore Is Born Again Again. From Rich Girl to Cool Mom to Content To Be Alone. Okay, she admitted that it was a working title, but the intent was there. She was tired of the way the town was treating her, tired of the looks that she got, tired of avoiding everybody, so she took a weekend off and decided to do something about it. The new creed, Content To Be Alone was born, along with it Rule Number 1 – Do Not Hide. Actually, so far there was only one rule, but she thought it was a good one. It was time to start fresh, start over again, and to not be ashamed. With that, she flung open the door, the bells ringing joyfully, heralding her arrival in the establishment that she hadn't set foot in slightly over two months. The diner became silent, all the patrons shocked that she would have the gall to show her face here. She marched up to the counter, sat down in her old stool, her mission a cup of coffee and maybe one of those doughnuts with all the pretty sprinkles. She was still contemplating her breakfast options when Luke appeared from the kitchen, wondering what was going on, as the diner was suspiciously quiet for the morning rush. His eyes widened as soon as he saw the familiar head bowed down at the counter. What was she doing here? Moving over to stand in front of her, he cleared his throat to get her attention. Her head snapped up, and the looked at each other for the first time in months. Surprisingly, (or not, depending on your opinion) for once Luke couldn't read her expression. Her voice jolted him out of his thoughts.
"Coffee, please."
"Anything else?"
"Doughnut."
Easily filling her order, he moved to wipe the countertop and clear dishes while she studiously applied herself to the coffee and doughnut, obviously ignoring all the hostile glares and silent treatment that she was on the receiving end of. As soon as she was done, she reached into her purse. Before she could pay however, he was back.
"More coffee?"
"No thanks." And with that she put the money beside her dishes, making sure not to leave his tip underneath the cup, hopped off the stool, and left. Proud of herself, she made her way to the Dragonfly, stopping only to drop off her purse in her office, and quickly made her way through the kitchen, offering a quick good morning to Sookie, before heading off to go talk to the two in her life that never judged her.
As soon as she had left the diner, a cacophony of noise erupted, all speculation as to why the scorned one had even set foot in the diner. Luke was oblivious to the town's gossip, even though his line of thought was similar to theirs. The Lorelai Gilmore he knew never did anything 'just because'. There was always a reason, a method behind the madness if you will; just sometimes the method wasn't clear until two crazy things later. But it had been too long; he had missed her too much to wait for two more crazy things. Yelling at Caesar that he was out, he left the diner and quickly made his way to the Dragonfly. When he got there, he bypassed Michel, and asked Sookie where she went. Sookie just pointed out the door, confused by these events on what should have been a mundane Monday.
Sookie, for her part, was busy directing the morning breakfast, multitasking as always when Lorelai had breezed through. She had been worried about Lorelai these past two months, waiting for her friend to break, or give some sort of indication that she was in trouble. But other than the expected long weekend off after That Night, Lorelai to all appearances seemed to be fine. Not as happy for sure, and even restless, but not the blubbering mess that Sookie thought she would be. And today, she seemed, well, almost happy. Something had happened and with the unexpected appearance of Luke a short time later that caused her to slice her finger, again, Sookie knew that something was going down in the stables (dirty!). Grabbing a hot pink band-aid on the way out, she too rushed to the stables, to be privy to the upcoming talk, to lend support where needed. She was stopped just inside the door, when Luke grabbed her arm and motioned for her to be quiet. Following his gaze, she watched Lorelai greet the two horses that she loved so much, talking all the while.
Lorelai had just exited the tack room, changed into horse appropriate clothes and boots, and grabbed a curry comb on her way out. Oblivious to the human company, she approached the two horses, chattering all the while.
"Hey guys! Sorry I haven't been here in a while. How've you been? Same old, same old, huh? What Cletus? Yes I do have an apple here for you guys – really you should be quiet about that, Sookie will get on my case about being pregnant again if she finds out. So really, nothing new? Want me to go first? Are you sure? Cause it's a long story. Okay." The two observers were surprised to see the horses relax through this comforting prattle, and even more surprised when Lorelai started to brush Cletus and tell the horses secrets about herself that they thought Lorelai wouldn't even let herself think about, let alone vocalize. They too settled in, making sure Lorelai couldn't see them.
"I guess it all started way back in November. Remember when Rory came back? I was so happy. I mean, I finally had it. The whole package – my daughter had figured out on her own what she wanted, and Luke and I could finally get married. I was ready, I was happy. Around then, I started to notice that Luke was acting weird. More silent than usual. I asked him if anything was wrong a couple of times, but he just shrugged it off and said it was nothing. I didn't want to push, because remember what happened last time I pushed?" Cletus sneezed, and Desdemona pawed at the ground anxiously.
"Bless you. Yea, I know guys. So I left it. I planned the prefect wedding, really it planned itself, and it snowed when I found the dress, and I thought it was all a sign. Then, one day I walk into the diner, and find out from this girl why Luke had been acting all weird. He has a daughter – April. He has a daughter and didn't even tell me! I learned from her. Two months he didn't tell me! And here I was, telling him about every little conversation with Christopher because I knew it bugged him, and after all that 'no secrets' stuff, I knew it was important! I mean, I know he's not much of a words guy, but you'd think that in two months he coulda been like 'oh yea, by the way I found out I have a twelve year old daughter the other day.' Did he think I wouldn't understand? I'm not exactly the blushing virgin over here. Anyways, I knew about it then, and I offered to help. We'd figure it out. Then he started talking about how all of it was so overwhelming, the daughter, and the wedding, and I offered to postpone, but I didn't really mean it and he jumped at the chance! He was relieved he didn't have to marry me right away. I tried to understand, I mean, we postponed setting a date while Rory was off doing her thing, but with Rory it was clear. The second she was back, we were planning. But with April, when is 'things are right with April'? Her graduation? Her removal of braces? When she's married? So the 'postponement' was really a 'cancellation'.
Then, he continued to hide her from me, saying he needed space to figure things out. Again, I got it. He had twelve years to make up. But what I didn't get is why I couldn't meet her when the rest of the town got to know her. Why was I the only one banned from the diner? Was it because I was important to Luke? Not to mention the lack of information about Anna. Did Luke want to get back with Anna because it was the right thing for him to do? Yet another man leaving me for his kid? All I heard about Anna was that Luke trusted her, and I know he doesn't trust many, and that the town thought she was the one, and how in love they were. Which got me thinking - did he even want to be with me? Now that he had this nuclear family, what good was I? But I still stuck around, didn't say anything, tried to be supportive. And then Valentines Day came by, and it was awful. I tried to get away, do something different, and it was horrible. The worst part was when Luke passed off this necklace that Logan was going to give to Rory as his for me. Did he really think that I wouldn't know? That I actually wanted something like that? All I wanted was an I love you, a wedding date, and an official meeting with April. Instead, it felt like I was getting bought off. That's when I really started to doubt. Doubt if he trusted me, doubt if he loved me, doubt if we would ever get married. Then Lanes wedding happened." By now, Lorelai had finished grooming Cletus, and had just begun Desi. She paused a bit here, collecting herself, sniffling a bit from the tears she didn't realize were leaking. The horses snorted, impatient and wanting the soothing voice to continue.
"Yea so you heard about that huh? Everybody heard about that, except Luke. That's going to go down as one of the best drunk speeches in history, let me tell you. But that night, Chris took care of me. He carried me home; made sure I was hydrated, and made sure that I wouldn't drown in my own vomit. He even left when Luke called, knowing what a sore point he was. And Luke never knew. Never knew that I had announced to the whole town that I was never getting married. He never knew. Then, April's party came, and he confirmed what I had been worried about all along. He didn't trust me. He didn't trust me with his daughter; he didn't trust me to help him, not even with a birthday present. And that hurt, that hurt a lot. We were supposed to be partners, and he didn't trust me. That made me start to wonder if I was right about the other things too. Well, it turned out he did need me, and I bailed him out, and got to meet April, and had a blast. She really is a sweet kid. And stupid me thought that everything would be better. I had met April, I could see her again, Luke would lean on me for a change, and we would help each other. Then Anna ripped into him, calling him irresponsible, so I went to go see her to convince her that I wasn't some random axe murderer out to kill her kid. She told me that she didn't want April to get attached to me, because I could be another flash in the pan. It's how she dated, and she asked if I understood. I did, I totally understood where she was coming from. I did the same with Rory. But it also showed me that Luke didn't love me either. She didn't know that I was friends with Luke for eight years before dating him for two. She didn't know that we were a staple in Stars Hollow, almost a universal truth. She didn't know because Luke didn't tell her. Luke didn't tell her, which made me think that Luke didn't love me. He was ashamed of me, of the crazy lady he was with. And that's when I knew for sure. It wasn't going to happen. I was stupid to think that it ever would. I gave Luke everything, and in return, I got nothing.
Right around then, I found myself in a real estate office with my Mother. She was going to buy us a house. Buy me and Luke a house for our wedding. I was shocked. Here was my Mother, who had never approved of anything in my life, who continually said that I was a disappointment, who tried to break Luke and I up a year ago, here she was showing me that she approved. She approved of my choice, she approved on my life, and all I could do was stand there and cry and tell her that it was never going to happen. That's when the second miracle happened. She just stood beside me and comforted me. If I was shocked before, it was nothing compared to what I was feeling then. Even two days later, and Friday night dinner, she showed me again that even if Luke and I didn't work out; she approved and understood my choices. She set Chris up with a psychologist. That was Emily Gilmore's way of telling me that she realized that Chris and I were never meant to be, that she had given up on that dream. I was shocked again. You never know what to expect with my Mother. After dinner, I was boxed in and found myself spilling my pathetic life story to the psychologist. I told her everything – my childhood, getting pregnant at 16, Chris, Max, Chris again, Jason, and Luke. She asked me if I had loved Max, and I told her no. I had never loved anyone until Luke, and it was true, I hadn't. She told me then to go after what I wanted. I replied that I didn't want to push; I didn't want to lose him. She said that it didn't sound like I had him in the first place, and that sometimes things just aren't meant to be, no matter how much we want them to come true. So I got back, and I pushed. I issued this ridiculous ultimatum that I knew Luke would reject, but that wasn't the point. I wanted him to finally see how much I was hurting, how much I wasn't okay. And when I walked away, he didn't come after me. He had always let his actions speak, and that spoke volumes. He wasn't all in anymore, hadn't been in a while. He had given up, I was too much work.
I didn't want to be alone, but I couldn't go to Rory, it was her last night with Logan, and heaven knows I didn't want t interrupt that. And I couldn't go to Sookie's, I had already overstayed my welcome, and I couldn't deal with seeing her with her husband and her kids. She got it, why couldn't I? So I went to see Chris. He took care of me after Lane's wedding; I thought he was a friend. Everybody has ulterior motives. At first, he let me talk, he let me cry, and then he tried to 'comfort' me. I didn't stop him; it was nice to feel wanted, to feel loved again. But I knew it was wrong, and I hate myself for it. I ended things with him, told him that the only time we would see each other was at a Rory based event, if he felt the need to actually attend something. I cut him out for good, finally, and it felt great. Luke, however, was hard. When I told him what I had done, he was shocked, and understandably so. He didn't want me anymore. Heck, I wouldn't have wanted me anymore. I'm a horrible person, hurting those I love just because they hurt me first, although I didn't intend for it to be that way. He walked away, and I knew I deserved it. The town found out somehow, and have since been treating me like I have a scarlet S painted on me. Sookie and Rory look at me with this look of disappointment, pain, and anger, and finally I couldn't take it anymore. So I went away last weekend, to the Cheshire Cat. You guys remember that place? The one with the multiplying flowers on the walls? Yea, well this time I brought food, and I figured it out. I started a new chapter in my life today – Content to Be Alone. My parents had always said that I was too much work to love, too much of a disappointment, and I had always hoped that they were wrong, but it turns out that they were right. I deserve to be alone, so I should at least accept it. And who knows – now that I'm not Luke's fiancé, or Luke's friend, or really anybody important except the Town Whore, maybe I'll get to have a relationship with April. Play games with her like Lane does, or help her with her homework like Babette does. And, Kirk won't have to cross-dress for the re-enactment anymore, they can just typecast." Desi turned her head and nuzzled Lorelai's wet cheek, trying to make her feel better.
"Oh, don't worry guys, I'll be fine. Rory is lighting the world on fire, and I have my inn, you guys, and Paul Anka. That's all I need. I'll be okay." She sniffled, and hugged both horses. She gave herself a moment, and then brushed the hurt aside to continue her chat with the two lovely beasts.
"So that's me. What's new with you? What? Cletus beat you again? Desi how many times have I told you to lay off the oats? ..." As she prattled on, Sookie and Luke looked at each other, tears streaming down Sookie's face, both wearing an identical melancholy smile. Without a word, they turned and exited the barn, unnoticed by Lorelai, and went in opposite directions to their domains. Sookie to her kitchen, and Luke to his diner, each filled with identical thoughts of sorrow for their friend.
A/N: I realize that was a lot of recap, but somebody had to get through that thick skull of Luke's. Next chapter (if y'all want one) not so much recap, I promise.
tbc?
