What Hurts The Most

I don't own the Teen Titans

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Beast Boy stared numbly at the coffin in front of him. He didn't want to believe it but his mind forced the fact upon him. Raven was dead.

She'd been killed by a bullet to the chest. Johnny Rancid was facing the death penalty but that didn't help ease the pain all the Titans and the whole city felt.

Beast Boy bolted from the cemetery. There was no way he could watch Raven being buried.

Two months later

Outside his window a storm raged and howled. Beast Boy wished he could do the same. Just break down and cry. But he couldn't. It was strange. When Terra had left he'd cried for hours. Now he was totally numb. And Raven was much more important to him than the blonde geomancer. He'd loved Raven. Not that he ever told her.

A few tears fell to the desk hitting a photo of a smiling Beast Boy who was peering over the shoulder of a smirking Raven. A smirk that could almost pass as a smile.

He touched the photo softly. He missed her so bad. He pretended that everything was okay and he was moving on. But he couldn't. Raven had left a big hole and there was no way to fill it. His heart was breaking little by little.

I can take the rain on the roof of this empty house
That don't bother me
I can take a few tears now and then and just let them out
I'm not afraid to cry every once in a while
Even though going on with you gone still upsets me
There are days every now and again I pretend I'm ok
But that's not what gets me

He closed his eyes fighting back the urge to scream his fury. It wasn't fair! Raven was only seventeen! And she'd just started to get control over her emotionally influenced powers. He could remember her joy when she'd screamed during a movie and nothing had exploded or shattered. It was an odd thing to be happy about but for Raven it was huge.

"Beast Boy?" a voice said from the other side of his door. Cyborg by the sound of it.

"Ya?" he replied quietly.

"You okay man? It's almost noon and you haven't come out of your room. Is everything alright?"

Beast Boy wanted to yell 'No! Nothing will ever be okay again! Raven's dead!' But instead he just murmured something and Cyborg left.

Closing his emerald eyes Beast Boy leaned back and thought back to a strange conversation he'd had with Raven a week before her death

(Flashback)

Raven and Beast Boy were sitting up around midnight. Neither had spoken. They just sat in the dark kitchen.

"Beast Boy?" Raven murmured shattering the silence.

"Ya?"

"Do you ever think about the future? About what might happen someday?"

"Ya... why? What do you see?" he asked curiously.

Raven blushed slightly and looked away before replying "I see you." she whispered her face becoming beet red.

(End Flashback)

Now that he thought about it he'd never told her what he saw. Even when she'd asked. He'd just shrugged.

"Oh Raven," the green teenager whispered "Why couldn't I just tell you? That would have been the perfect time. I can't believe I was so stupid!"

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you fade away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying' to do

Beast Boy walked down into the common room and looked around. Cyborg was sitting on the couch staring listlessly at the GAME OVER sign on the TV. Robin was sitting at the table trying to read the paper. He wasn't even past the front page yet. Only Starfire noticed him come in. She smiled at him "Hello Friend Beast Boy."

"Hey Star," the changeling replied sitting on a barstool "What's up?" he asked for lack of something better to do.

"Nothing. I was planning to travel to the grocery store this morning but this storm has prevented me from carrying out my plans." Starfire explained.

Beast Boy nodded. They all had been trying to keep busy. But now, after two months, they'd run out of things to do.

"Hey Star?"

"Yes?"

Beast Boy forced himself to smile "Why did the cookie go to the hospital?" he asked knowing the Tameranian would laugh no matter what he said.

"I do not know why the cookie would visit the place of healing of the illnesses." Starfire replied grateful for some normalcy no matter how small.

"He felt crummy." Beast Boy said forcing a chuckle from his lungs. But suddenly a pang went through him. There was no Raven to make fun of his jokes any longer.

Robin looked up from his paper and smiled at Starfire who looked utterly confused but a little more cheerful all the same.

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Beast Boy knelt on the bathroom floor. His stomach heaved again and he vomited into the toilet. Behind him Cyborg watched with pity. But there was nothing he could do for his friend.

The changeling moaned as he slid back down onto the floor "I feel like ." he said weakly. He hadn't been eating much lately so there really wasn't anything for him to throw up.

"You look like it too man. No offence." Cyborg replied sadly. He'd never seen the little guy so low. Even with Terra he'd gotten over it in a matter of weeks.

"None..." the young man paused and forced his stomach to settle "taken." he finished miserably. He knew he was sick because he was so depressed. But what the heck was he supposed to do? The girl he loved was dead and what was worse he'd never told her how he felt.


It's hard to deal with the pain of losing you everywhere I go
But I'm doing' it
It's hard to force that smile when I see our old friends and I'm alone
Still Harder
Getting up, getting dressed, livin' with this regret
But I know if I could do it over
I would trade give away all the words that I saved in my heart
That I left unspoken

Beast Boy stood in the door to Raven's room. Dust had started to settle over everything. He couldn't go in there. But he had to.

Stepping across the threshold he made his way over to the dresser. The ornate meditation mirror lay face down on the piece of furniture. Lifting it up he wiped the dust off its once deadly surface. Now it was just empty. No emotions inhabited Nevermore. Happy, Timid, Brave, Rage and all the others he'd never met. They were gone.

"I love you." the changeling whispered to the empty room.

What hurts the most
Was being so close
And having so much to say
And watching you fade away
And never knowing
What could have been
And not seeing that loving you
Is what I was trying to do

Not seeing that loving you
That's what I was trying to do
Ooohhh... That's what I was trying to do...

Beast Boy sniffed the rose carefully as he stared at the white marble gravestone. The rose was black with white tips.

He placed the rose carefully on the gravestone then knelt beside it. Morphing his hand into a tiger limb he scratched into the stone Quoth the Raven: Nevermore.

"Do you ever think about the future? About what might happen someday?

"Ya... why? What do you see?"

"I saw you," Beast Boy whispered "I saw you."