JENNIE
Jisoo opens the door, rubbing her eyes.
"Can I sleep in here?" I ask her, and she nods drowsily, not asking any questions. "I'm sorry for waking you up," I whisper to her.
"It's okay," she mumbles, and stumbles back to the bed. "Here, you can have this one, the other is flat." She pushes a fluffy white pillow against my chest.
I smile, hugging the pillow close and sitting on the edge of the bed. "This is why I love you. Well, not the only reason, but one of them."
"Because I gave you the best pillow?" Her smile is even more adorable when laced with sleep.
"No, because you're always here for me . . . and you have soft pillows." My voice is so slow when I'm drunk . . . it's odd.
Jisoo lies back on the bed and moves her body over so that there's plenty of room for me on the other side. "Is she going to come in here after you?" she asks quietly.
"I don't think so." The moment of humor that came with Jisoo and her soft pillows has been replaced by the ache of Lisa and the words we exchanged moments ago.
I lie down on my side and look over at Jisoo lying next to me. "Remember when you said she isn't a lost cause?" I whisper.
"Yeah."
"Do you really believe that?"
"Yeah, I do." She pauses. "Unless she did something else . . ."
"No, well . . . nothing new, really. I just . . . I don't know if I can do it anymore. We keep moving backward, and we shouldn't be. Every single time I think we're making progress, she becomes that same Lisa I met six months ago. She calls me a selfish bitch, or basically tells me she doesn't love me—and I know she doesn't mean the words, but every syllable crushes me a little more than the last, and I think I'm starting to understand that this really is just the way she is. She can't help it, but she can't change it either."
Jisoo watches me with thoughtful eyes before her mouth turns to a frown. "She called you a bitch? Tonight?"
I nod, and she sighs heavily, running her hand over her face.
"I was saying hurtful things to her, too." I hiccup. The heavy combination of wine and whiskey is going to haunt me tomorrow, I know it.
"She shouldn't call you out of your names. It's never okay, Jennie. Please don't make excuses for her."
"I'm not . . . I just . . ." But that's exactly what I'm doing. I sigh. "I think this is all about Seattle. She went from getting a tattoo for me and telling me that she can't live without me to telling me she only chases me because I fuck her. Oh my gosh! I'm sorry, Jisoo!" I cover my face with my hands. I cannot believe I just said that in front of her.
"It's okay—you did just fish your underwear out of the hot tub, remember?" She grins, lightening the conversation, and I hope that the relative darkness of the room at least hides my blushing.
"This trip has been a disaster." I shake my head, pressing it against the cool pillow.
"Maybe not; maybe this is what you two needed."
"To break up?"
"No . . . is that what happened?" She lays another pillow next to me.
"I don't know." I bury my face further.
"Is that what you want?" she asks delicately.
"No, but it's what I should want. It's not fair to either of us to keep doing this day in and day out. I'm not innocent here either—I always expect too much from her." My mother's flaws have been passed down to me. She expects too much from everyone, too.
Jisoo shifts a little. "There isn't anything wrong with expecting things from her, especially when the things that you expect from her are reasonable," she replies. "She has to see what she has. You're the best thing that's ever happened to her; she needs to remember that."
"She said that it's my fault . . . that she is the way she is. All I want is for her to be kind to me at least half the time, and I want security in our relationship, that's all. It's pathetic, really." I groan, my voice breaks, and I can still taste the whiskey laced with Lisa's mint on my tongue. "Would you go to Seattle if you were me? I can't help but think I should just call it off and stay here, or go with her to Thailand. If she's acting like this because I'm going to Seattle, maybe I should—"
"You can't not go," Jisoo interrupts. "You've been gushing over Seattle since the day I met you. If Lisa won't go with you, then that's her loss. Besides, I give her a week of you being gone before she shows up at your doorstep. You can't give in on this; she has to know that you're serious this time. You have to let her miss you."
I smile while envisioning Lisa showing up a week after I leave, desperately begging for my forgiveness with lilies in her hand. "I don't even have a doorstep for her to show up on."
"That was her, wasn't it? The reason that woman wasn't calling you back?"
"Yeah."
"I knew it. Realtors don't just not return calls. You have to go. Marco will help you find somewhere to stay until you find a permanent place."
"What if she doesn't come after all? And worse, what if she does come but she's even more angry because she hates it there?"
"Jennie, I'm only saying this because I care about you, okay?" She waits for my response, and I nod. "You'd have to be insane to give up Seattle for someone who loves you more than anything but is only willing to show it half of the time."
I think about Lisa saying that I make all the mistakes, that I make her act the way she does. "Do you think she'd be better off without me?" I ask Jisoo.
She sits up a little and says, "No, heck no! But seeing as I know you don't tell me even half of the messed-up things she says to you, maybe it really isn't going to work." Reaching across the empty space between us, her hand touches my arm and she rubs slowly.
Using the alcohol in my veins as an excuse, I grant myself permission to ignore the fact that Jisoo, one of the only people who actually had faith in my relationship with Lisa, has just thrown in the towel. "I'm going to feel like hell tomorrow," I say to change the subject before I break the promise that I made with myself not to cry.
"Yeah, you are," she teases. "You smell like a liquor cabinet."
"I met Lillian's girlfriend. She kept giving me shots. Oh, and I danced on a bar."
She gasps gleefully. "You didn't."
"I did. It was so embarrassing. It was Riley's idea."
"She's . . . interesting." Jisoo smiles and seems to notice her fingertips still running over my skin. She pulls them away and tucks her arm under her head.
"She's the twin of Lisa." I laugh.
"She is! No wonder she sounds so annoying!" she teases, and in a moment of drunken insanity, I glance over to the door, expecting to see Lisa there with a deep scowl after hearing Jisoo's playful insult.
"You make me forget about everything." My mouth releases the words before my mind can catch up.
"I'm glad." My best friend smiles and grabs the blanket at the foot of the bed. She pulls it up over both of our bodies, and I close my eyes.
Minutes pass in silence, and my mind is putting up a fight as sleep tries to pull me under. Jisoo's breathing slows, and I have to keep my eyes closed and pretend that it's Lisa breathing next to me or my mind will never surrender.
Lisa's angry scowl and harsh words float through my hazy thoughts as I finally fall asleep: You're a selfish bitch.
"NO!"
Lisa's voice startles me awake. It takes a moment to remember that I'm in Jisoo's room and Lisa is down the hall, alone.
"Get off of her!" Her voice echoes down the hallway seconds later.
I'm out of bed and at the door before she even finishes the sentence.
She has to see what she has. She has to know that you're serious this time. You have to let her miss you.
If I go rushing into that room, I know I'll forgive everything. I'll see her feeling vulnerable and afraid, and I'll say whatever she needs to hear to comfort her.
I pick my heart up off of the floor and walk back to the bed. I place the pillow over my head just as another "No!" rips through the cabin.
"Jennie . . . are you . . ." Jisoo whispers.
"No," I reply, my voice cracking at the end. I bite down on the pillow and break my own promise. I begin to cry. Not for myself. The tears are for Lisa, for the girl who doesn't know how to treat the people that she cares about, the girl who has nightmares when I'm not in bed with her, but who tells me that she doesn't love me. The girl who really does need to be reminded how it feels to be alone.
