Disclaimer: I only own Jeramiah. Everything else is the property of JKR.
Seated at a beaten-up table in the miniscule London flat he was renting, Remus Lupin rested his face wearily in his hands. After asking Jeramiah the names of his parents, Remus had sent them an owl with a lengthy letter informing them of their son's whereabouts, and urging them to take him back. Two weeks had passed, and there had been no response. He strongly suspected that the response he was waiting for would never come.
Jeramiah hadn't seemed particularly distressed at his parent's failure to respond. "I told you they wouldn't want me back," he had informed Remus nonchalantly as they sat for a meager dinner earlier this evening. "But I know it's going to be all right. I have you now, and I like you. You're better at taking care of me than my parents were, anyway."
Remus was somewhat mystified at the boy's apparent lack of distress at having been separated his parents, but said nothing. It was enough of a struggle to arrange his features into a benign and encouraging smile when, in his head, there was screaming.
Jeramiah's parents didn't seem to want him back. That much was clear. Remus also knew that he could never go back on the promise he had made to the child. Jeramiah's care was his responsibility now. To say that he was terrified did not do justice to the violent tornado of emotions whirling within him.
It wasn't that he considered the Jeramiah to be a burden. In the fortnight he had spent with the child, he had found him to be a bright and engaging boy, bursting with curiosity and humor. Remus found himself growing quite fond of him.
It wasn't that he resented the newfound responsibility he had willingly saddled himself with. Remus had taken on far more challenging and cumbersome assignments for the Order. The sense of dread he felt growing within him was primarily rooted in a profound lack he was aware of in himself.
Jeramiah seemed to adore Remus and trust him completely. It was this that frightened Remus above all. Remus knew all too well that those who dared let themselves become close to him usually wound up getting hurt or killed. He feared that the child's trust in him was misplaced, and could very well be his undoing. Why should Remus allow anyone to get close to him, to trust him when he couldn't even trust himself?
Remus's ponderings were interrupted by a knock on the door. "Enter," he called wearily. The door opened to reveal Nymphadora Tonks. Her hair was relatively tame that night, wavy strawberry blonde locks cascading down to her shoulders.
Remus rose to greet her and plant a quick, chaste kiss on her lips. "Hello, Nymphadora." he said.
"Don't call me that," Tonks said sullenly, striding over to the table to sit down, and motioning for Remus to join her. "And would it kill you to greet me with a real kiss for once?"
Remus shook his head in amused exasperation. "You do realize that there's a seven year old asleep in the next room? I'm trying to minimize the psychological damage I inflict on the poor child."
"Are you kidding?" Tonks replied in mock incredulity. "Considering the fact that he's already living with you, he's doomed regardless, so you may as well go for broke."
Remus regarded the woman beside him solemnly. "That's really not funny, Tonks."
Seeing the expression on Remus's face, Tonks sobered instantly. "So I take it you still haven't heard anything from Jeramiah's parents?"
Remus shook his head. "Not a word. It's looking like I'm going to have to raise this boy."
"Then why so glum?" Tonks' mouth twitched. "Are you afraid that a child might slow down your thrilling, freewheeling bachelor life?"
"Ha, ha," Remus replied sarcastically. "Seriously, Tonks, this boy needs parents, or at least a parent. I just don't think that I have what it takes to fill that role."
Tonks shook her head incredulously. "Remus Lupin, you have got to be kidding me. You're one of the most fatherly men I know."
Remus chuckled, "Tonks, if that's your idea of dirty talk, you really need more practice."
"Is that your idea of a pick-up line?" Tonks smirked. "I think you're the one who needs practice. Seriously, though, I think you're more fit to raise a seven year old than many of the people out there raising children. Look at Harry's aunt and uncle. Surely, you can do better than them."
Remus emitted a brief, bitter laugh. "If that's the best compliment you can come up with, you'll have to excuse me for not feeling particularly reassured by it."
Tonks sighed in exasperation. "I'm just looking at the worst case scenario here. No matter what damage you unintentionally inflict on the boy, it would be nearly impossible to do worse than the Dursleys. Seriously, though, I've heard about your year teaching Defense Against the Dark Arts from the kids. It sounds to me like you were an excellent teacher to those children."
Remus was unsure of how to respond to this. He could feel heat rising in his face, and quickly turned away to hide any visible signs of his mild embarrassment from Tonks. The auror's next words made it abundantly clear that he had been unsuccessful.
"You're impossible, Remus, do you realize that? You complain that my previous comment about the Dursley's was insufficiently complimentary, and now that I've paid you a real compliment, you're blushing. There's no pleasing you."
Remus forced himself to turn back and face Tonks. "I'm NOT blushing!" He saw Tonks roll her eyes and realized how ridiculous this defense must have sounded, considering the fact that he could feel his face burning. Remus decided that the best course of action at this point would be to change the subject. "Anyway, I don't see what that has to do with what we were talking about."
Tonks rolled her eyes again. "You're intelligent enough to see the connection, but if you're going to insist on playing dumb with me, I'll play along. From what I've heard, from Hermione and Ginny in particular, in addition to teaching these children more than possibly any other teacher they've had, you were also kind, infinitely patient, and boosted the confidence of those students who were having trouble believing in themselves. These are qualities that not only make good teachers but good parents as well."
"Tonks, don't even try to compare those two--" Remus began, but Tonks interrupted.
"I know, I know, teaching and raising a child are two very different things," Tonks waved a hand impatiently. "Teaching is a job that ends at the end of the day, it's a position that can be resigned from if it becomes too troublesome, while parenting is a lifetime commitment. Is that what you were going to say?"
"Pretty much," Remus replied, astounded that the young woman beside him had come to know him so well, even with him making every effort to keep her at a distance. "Can we please talk about something else? I really don't need to be reminded of a time in my life when I had a steady source of income, now that I don't have one, and need one more than ever."
"If you're worried about supporting Jeramiah, I can help you with that." Tonks told Remus firmly.
Remus shook his head. "Tonks, I can't accept your char--," he began, but Tonks interrupted.
"Remus, it's not charity, it's a gift. I have money to spare, and I want to do this. I want to help you with this child. If I'm going to be a part of your life--"
This time, it was Remus's turn to interrupt. "You know I love you, Nymphadora, but I'm still not sure how serious we should let this become. If you agree to join me in helping raise this child, that's a big commitment. I've told you before, you shouldn't rush into committing yourself to me."
Tonks's eyes darkened. "Why not? And don't tell me you're too old for me, too poor, too dangerous, blah, blah, blah. I've heard that before, and I've told you before that I don't care. Let's not run through that old argument yet again. Also, for the record, I've had plenty of time to think all of this over when you were off risking your neck with the werewolf pack. I'm not rushing in to anything, so don't use that as an excuse. You say you love me like you mean it, so as far as I can see, you're out of valid arguments, Lupin. Why are you so afraid to let people in to your life?"
"Can we please leave your highly biased analysis of my alleged emotional difficulties out of this?" Remus demanded, struggling to keep his tone level.
"Oh, of course, because that would force us to acknowledge the fact that you, Remus Lupin, grand master of the stiff upper lip, actually has emotions." Tonks retorted. "I love you, but you must be just about the most closed off person I have ever met. Why are you trying to keep me out?"
Tonks's outburst was followed by a lengthy pause, during which Remus became infinitely fascinated by his hands. Meanwhile Tonks sat, sullen and silent, her arms folded across her chest, tapping her left foot impatiently.
"I don't want you to get hurt," Remus admitted at last. "People who dare to let me in to their lives tend to come to tragic ends."
Tonks's features softened slightly. "If this is about what happened with your friends at Hogwarts, we've had this conversation before. You didn't force Wormtail to join You Know Who, that was his decision. And even if they hadn't become animagi to help you, Sirius and James still might have found some other reason to do it, and Wormtail might have still tagged along. Or Wormtail could have found some other way to frame Sirius and fake his own death, or he could have found some other way to mess things up. You certainly can't claim any hand in You Know Who's first rise to power or reign of terror. Even so, you continue to blame yourself." A hint of aggravation began to creep back into her tone. "Remus, we've had this conversation a thousand times before, but it appears that none of it has penetrated that thick, stubborn skull of yours. Once again, I'm forced to repeat those words you're so quick to say to everyone else. It's not your fault."
Remus flinched involuntarily as flashes of that awful night in the Hospital Wing came back to haunt him. "That was all my fault." he murmured quietly. "Dumbledore, and... Snape. I was one of his greatest enemies at school. I never told Harry this, figuring he hated the man enough, but Snape tormented me... relentlessly for years. The first time he saw me, on Platform Nine and Three Quarters, he noticed my sickly appearance, my shabby state of dress, and pegged me as someone lower than him in the social pecking order, someone he could compare himself to when he needed a confidence boost. I could see it his eyes then, and every time he looked at me for days after. Then I was welcomed into what became one of the most admired cliques in school while he remained a despised outcast. Snape never got past that, and he took his bitterness out on me. For years, he followed me, almost to the point of stalking, hexing me at every opportunity, muttering threats under his breath. He told me he knew I had some dark secret, and promised me that when he discovered it, he'd make sure it was exposed, and basically make my life a living hell. Dumbledore never knew just how nasty Snape could turn. I suppose I should have told him, but I never did. Somehow, I felt that would be stooping to Snape's level, and I thought that if a great wizard like Dumbledore could give him a chance I should as well." Remus allowed his face to fall forward into his hands. "I should have suspected all along that his remorse wasn't geniune. If only I had told Dumbledore. It might have saved his life." Remus sighed as his own words from that night played in his mind. "Snape was a superb occlumens. I always knew that. I should have known that, with his ability, he could hoodwink anyone, even..." Remus trailed off, too overwhelmed to continue.
Tonk's eyes were wide long before Remus stopped speaking. She sat in silence for several minutes, seeming unable to formulate an appropriate response. When she spoke at last, her voice trembled. "Remus, no matter what you knew about him, you couldn't have seen this coming. You're a fair man. You give people the benefit of the doubt, just like Dumbledore did. That's part of why I love you, because you believe that everyone deserves a chance, and you give everyone a chance. That's one of your best qualities. Sadly, sometimes even actions motivated by your best qualities can come back and bite you on the arse." Tonks managed a wan smile. "Remus, when you blame yourself for all the ills of the world, you're only hurting people more."
Remus stared at Tonks, genuinely bewildered. "What on earth are you talking about, Nymphadora?"
"Think about it." Tonk's response was quiet. "You're so insistent on keeping everyone at a safe distance that you push away people who want you in their lives."
Remus squeezed his eyes shut in frustration. "Tonks, I said that I was willing to consider allowing something more to happen between us. I'm giving this a chance."
Tonks was not mollified. "I wasn't talking about myself this time," she replied curtly.
Remus spread his arms in a gesture of incomprehension. "Then who are you talking about?"
"Think about it," Tonks repeated. "You'll figure it out. Who needs a strong mentor like yourself, but is too proud to ever admit it?"
Remus didn't respond. He was far too emotionally drained by all they had discussed that evening to even begin to fathom who she could be referring to.
Remus and Tonks continued to talk for a while after that. Half an hour later, Tonks departed with a lengthy embrace and a promise to stop by later in the week. Remus closed the door behind her, and wearily leaned against it, still racking his brain in a desperate attempt to figure out what she might have been talking about earlier.
It wasn't until late the following morning that it dawned on him. Jeramiah was sprawled on the living room floor, absorbed in one of many dog-eared books Remus had saved from his childhood. Remus was seated at same table where his conversation with Tonks had taken place the night before, staring fixedly at a book on fighting the Dark Arts without resorting to harmful spells, without taking in a word on its pages.
At long last, as Jeramiah reached for yet another one of Remus's favorite books from his youth, Remus decisively marked his place in his book, and rose to his feet to find a quill and a roll of parchment. The time had arrived for him to write to someone he should have written to a long time ago.
