It's my father's
fault. He calls me to do things, but not because he needs me; he just
needs someone. I've never gotten along with him. Well, how would I
know if we get along? I've never really talked to him. Bastard. He
doesn't care for me. Why should he? It's not like I've ever
given anyone reason to. I only do what I'm told to do, even if I
seem reluctant.
My reluctance is a big part of the problem. My
reluctance to pilot even though it could save lives. My reluctance to
talk to my father. My reluctance to tell Asuka my feelings. I keep
telling myself that I mustn't run away, but I don't run. People
who run from their problems are people who were given that option, by
authorities or circumstances, or whatever. I have no choice. I have
to help people. How can I do that though? Everyone tells me the first
person I should care about is myself, but then something happens that
makes me do otherwise, but I can't care for others because they
don't care for me, but they don't care for me because I don't
care for myself, and I don't care for myself because... nobody
cares about me. I'm supposed to help people when I can't help
myself. I should try to stop thinking like this for a second.
Asuka hasn't talked in a while. She usually won't be quiet. I like her voice though. I wish I could hear it now. But she won't talk. She wouldn't talk to me if I was the last man on Earth, she said. Ironic that I now am the last man on Earth. Or is it ironic? She's doing what she said she would. Sitting in silence. Silence can't be placed anywhere. It can't be sorted. I hate ambiguity; I hate having to formulate multiple interpretations of something that should be so simple, but silence isn't even open to interpretation. It's just there. It is. And it hurts. Everything hurts. Did I honestly kill everyone? Are they gone? Will someone answer these questions? I'm so lost, but I'm staying in one place. I'm on this little island in the remnants of the world. There's nowhere to go except over to Asuka. She doesn't want to talk to me. She must be so confused. She must be crazily disenchanted. I should talk to her.
I
tell myself I mustn't run away, but it's pointless just like
everything else. I have nowhere to run to. Nowhere to go except over
to Asuka.
She probably hates me. Everyone's all pushed
together. Everyone in the world has fused into a giant orange pool.
Every person on Earth exists as one, except me and Asuka. Asuka.
Strange. She's the one I would want to be one with, yet we're the
only ones who exist separate from each other. Maybe I thought that
would bring her to me, if I was literally the last man on Earth.
Where we could be one out of choice and not circumstance. My
entire life is circumstance, though. There are no choices. No
options. I chose to stay this way though, didn't I? Am I an
individual? I'm away from Asuka. I'm separate from her. Alone?
Together? I wish she would talk to me, even just to insult me. I'm
alone. We're more apart than ever, just a few feet away from each
other. We are... apart? I am myself, and not her. I've been letting
her control me, though. I let her live inside me. But... from the
feelings inside me, everyone died. I miss them.
Where is my
mother? Asuka must be wondering the same thing. My lips were so close
to hers. I was going to do it. She couldn't protest. She was
asleep? She was asleep. Was I taking advantage of her? She whispers
something about her mother. I realize she's just as scared as I am.
Scared. She's the same as me. Damn it, I can't decide. She's
the same as me. She's different. We are separate. I should talk to
her. I have to think of something to say, but what's the point.
I'll look like an idiot anyway. I always do.
Asuka I said
please help me Asuka don't let me die don't let me fade away I
throw over the table Pen Pen looks surprised and retreats from the
room I'm yelling I'm crying out please Asuka help me help me
don't kill me... don't... I... love you... love... No. Love is
between two people. But we are they same.
But I'm supposed to
love myself help me Asuka help me decide I don't need you I don't
need you I need you to help me decide I don't need this. Shinji she
says pull yourself together we have an Angel to deal with. We have a
situation. You're a man aren't you she says. Act like one. Sweep
her off her feet. Maybe I should talk to her. What would I say? Why
am I asking myself? Can she answer my questions? Are we... are we
Adam and Eve? Is there deception involved? Is this supposed to be
Eden? My Eden? Everyone else is gone. I have nowhere to go except
over to Asuka.
Oh mein Gott she says the entry plug Shinji. Shinji.
Das nicht. Shinji, das nicht.
If she is Eve, will she damn
everyone? She'll trick me into taking the fruit against my better
judgment. But I have no judgment. I never have a choice. And she
won't talk to me. Not if I was the last man on Earth. You are a man
she yelled at me she yelled at me you are all you have left because
you're scared and you won't let anyone help you but I need help I
want to cry. She shouts and she pushes me she said you pushed away
Rei and Misato and you're the only person you have left. And you
don't even like yourself. What is she talking about?
Asuka's
so quiet. I wish she would talk to me. I'm a man but she is not.
But we are the same and different. Alone, together. It's so
self-contradictory. It's like me. Everything's like me. But I'm
separate from it, because everything is liquid and I am here as an
individual, with Asuka.
My hands are around her neck. Her feet
are inches off the ground. I raised her up. I strangled her. She's
choking. She's choking. Oh God someone help her. Help me God I'm
choking her. I'm killing Asuka! It's my fault. It's my fault!
'Where is my mother'
Asuka probably is wondering but is she dead she's not, no one is
and everyone is and I miss them. I miss her, she's not talking to
me. I miss Misato and Rei. I wish they were here. Rei is here, I
think.
I think a lot. Rei?
I miss Kaoru. He told me that I was
worth something, but he had me kill him. I did it. I killed him. I
didn't even save anyone. The Third Impact happened anyway, and now
I have nowhere to go except to Asuka. But I've never had anywhere
to. I've never had the option of leaving, so what's the
difference?
I wish I could stop thinking and everything else
would stop be careful what you wish for they say. Fuck them they
don't know how it is. Asuka. I love her and she won't talk to me.
But I don't need her. I chose to be apart from her, didn't I? I
chose to be an individual. I'm giving myself a choice now. I can
either stand here and look at the ruins of Earth or talk to her. I'm
going to talk to her. I do need her? No. I want her. It's
conscious. I have knowledge of it, I'm aware and I have choices.
I'm going over to talk to her.
"Asuka" I am saying. "What"
she is short with me. It's to be expected. "I don't know" I
said. "Fine."
"Fine." Fine she says. She was cross with
me, because this mess is my fault. But that means I'd do it on
purpose? It was all on purpose. That'd be my only reason to feel
guilty for it. To do something on purpose you have to choose to do
it, right? Right? Help me. Help me I am myself.
"Asuka" I
look at her. She's pretty. Her hair hangs in front of her face.
"What now" abrupt again please Asuka please help me just once
"I think we can go home." Go home. Home is nowhere. Is home here?
Home is where there are people who love you. And she won't talk to
me.
I have my hand on hers. It surprises me. I'm not scared.
She doesn't jerk her hand away. It surprises me. Am I doing this? I
can see my reflection in the pool. We're both looking in. She is
pretty. My hair is messy. My eyes are sunken. She looks like an
angel. An angel? Angels tried to kill us. She wanted me to die.
Angels are messengers of God. I am God. She is everything. We are
together now, that's all that matters.
Close your eyes Shinji.
She is not afraid do not be afraid don't run away, you have had the
chance and you didn't do it are you a man? You're stronger than
you give yourself credit for I say to myself. It surprises me.
It
shouldn't, I guess. Asuka told me that.
It was... Close your
eyes. I'm trying not to think. I think about not thinking. That's
funny. No, that's stupid.
If we are Adam and Eve like it is in
the bible, then even if we are damned, we are the beginning of
everyone? Lilith gave birth to people? Rei was Lilith. I can't
decide which is the truth. Don't try to decide the truth that's
how you get into this kind of shit. Genesis. Is this Genesis? I still
have Asuka's hand.
Our hands touched the LCL. It's strange,
feeling this stuff again. It made me feel safe I say to myself but it
smells a lot like blood it's like the mother's womb like a child
tries to retreat back into the womb when it's born. Tragedy. It's
tragedy.
I hardly knew my mother. Did I? I knew her better than
my father. My father was cold. He loved her, though. He could love.
That's why there was Rei. I loved Rei. She was nice to me. I love
Asuka. Asuka wouldn't talk to me she says if I was the last man on
Earth but here we are now hand in hand.
My fingers are all the
way in the LCL. She's smiling. She smiled at me. It's the
weirdest thing I've seen here. And there's a giant head on the
horizon. That's kind of funny. But it's sad as well. I can't be
sad I have Asuka. I have choice, but not the choice to not be sad.
That's where Asuka comes in I guess. To fight the sadness?
We
are together, apart, apart together.
The lit match doesn't stop
existing it just becomes part of a larger fire.
My other hand
touched her face. She did the same thing. It's like being
electrocuted. I'm going to die but she's not going to kill me and
I don't mind.
We are alone, together.
"Shinji" she
gasps. What's she so surprised about? There's nothing to see.
"Shinji look up." I look up. A city is there. The head is gone,
the ruins are falling in reverse. Falling back into buildings. Back
into life. The orange liquid becomes red dots. I've seen this
before. Have I?
Oh my God Asuka help me I'm bleeding I'm
being crucified here help me the nails Asuka life, Asuka, life. I hit
the ground. My hands are bleeding from where I caught myself. It
stings a little but the city is there. I'm not bleeding anywhere
else. Asuka's arms are around me. She is crying.
My hands hurt
sort of. I'm crying too. We cry into each other's shoulders. "Why
are you crying" she said.
"I have no idea" I'm sobbing.
She smiles. She's pretty. She talked to me. But I killed her. I
killed everyone. She's there.
I'm not sure of it, of what's
real, but if it's a dream I sure as hell don't want to wake up.
