"You are a boy. Act like one." Misato reproaches me.
"You're a man, right?" Asuka teases.
"After all, combat is a man's job." I boast.
"Is this really a girl's room?" Toji asks.
Who decides what a man is supposed to do? What a girl is supposed to do? That's more ambiguous than what it means to be human: what it means to be a man; what it means to be a woman. It's not absolute. Humans made it like they made everything they know.
Toji states "It's not a man's work." when I ask him to help me clean up. It's stupid to say you can't pick up because you're a man. It's just as stupid as saying you can't cry because you're a man. Or you can't fight because you're a girl.

Combat is a man's job I say when I've finally started to "assert myself" when I have a bit of an "attitude" and I fall in the Angel's shadow and meet myself. Myself as seen by someone else? It was made up. That's what I'm going to decide. Either the Angel was trying to screw with my head or I was hallucinating. I whimper it's cold I say I'm going to die in four hours Eva standby mode minimal life support life energy depleting.

This warmth is something I have never known before. Is this a part of being human? How would you define a human? Is there some sort of a list? If emotion and self-awareness are qualifiers... does that make an Eva human? Does that make me the machine? I've only ever felt the warmth that's supposed to be a part of being human when inside the Eva. I've been under its restraint, not the other way around. It was my mother that I felt. But my mother is something I have never felt.
Rei draws the answers from me by repeating the same three words after every statement I make. I had to retract my statements, didn't I? She was pulling my purpose out from the depths of me? She was putting it in front of me and I chose to hide it again.
At least I chose.

Shinji what happens from this point on is your own decision only you can decide Misato says
The Eva is refusing to accept our commands it's choosing not to listen
Shinji you have to choose Shinji come out bring him back damn it.

I see Rei. What's Unit 00 holding? A mine? Rei what the hell did you do. You blew it up are you crazy. The Angel's not even phased and more people could die and Asuka's Eva's head was thrown right in front of me and it's bleeding bleeding make the stupid thing stop, father. More people could die because of this thing but I can't fight it because I'm not even sure what makes it our enemy. It's killing so many humans but do we have the right to decide that the lives of humans are worth more than an Angels? Who made us God? Did God? God made man, man made God, man made Evas but angels made Evas but God made angels and man made God who made man make it stop father make this goddamn thing stop I can't kill another human please don't let it crush the plug there's another kid my own age in there!
There's probably people who care about them but not me no one cares about me and you're just demonstrating that right now by not letting me control the Eva and not even letting me do the only thing that would give me the chance of being cared about and I hate you please love me.

"There is a renowned post-modernist opening today juxtaposing artistic images with image portraying or suggesting the creation of art, creating what has been called a suspension of art and reality." The television has been changed to the news. Asuka has gone to her room. She hasn't been out in a while. Should I go check on her? No, she'll yell at me. What's worse, she'll probably yell at me in German and leave me to figure out what she was saying which is worse than knowing torture torture Stupid Shinji I hear her voice echoing in my head.
Asuka has retreated to her room and has been there for a while. Thanks Asuka. That means no awkward situations occur while soap operas play in the background of our affairs. Affairs.
NERV internal affairs intelligence. The TV has changed to the news and they are discussing art mimicking reality? I thought reality was art, and the other way around. It's like a dream that you have of dreaming about watching a movie about what's about to happen to you in your life. It's like being on a hamster's exercise wheel and running and trying to run faster than the wheel, isn't it?

People have a tendency to feel trapped by freedom. I've heard people talk about how I need to come out of my shell. I hide in a shell because of why? I have to restrict myself?
I envy the blind because they cannot see the absence of grace said my father my father who abandoned me but I try to exclude him because he excluded me to make way for Rei if it's a girl I'll name the baby Rei he said please accept me father.
Somebody please like me.

I knock on Asuka's door. She says "Yes?" very slowly. She's annoyed. But I wouldn't know, would I? People are who they are but there's no point to that because everyone spends all their life just trying to describe themselves and their own inner monologues and their motivations Kaji said when he spent the night with us. Asuka wasn't happy then. I don't know what I did I know I did something. I wanted to say sorry for apologizing to her all the time I don't want her to be mad at me. Asuka, hear me out for a minute. I'm sorry that I'm the way I am. I'm sorry for always having to say sorry. Why am I thinking of telling her this now?
"Is everything honestly back to normal?" I instead ask. How the hell should she know? She doesn't. She shrugs. I mean, is NERV still existent? Is this how we would want the world or is this the world as it actually was? As it was when we were fighting the Angels? Are the Eva Units here? All of them?

Haven't you heard Kensuke says Unit 04 exploded or something why didn't Misato tell me this?
I can't fight another Eva. I can't kill another person there's a kid in there just who is the Fourth was I supposed to know? Why was I left out did they think it would be too hard on me it's like they were expecting something like this to happen and they knew I would be the one to break down and cry when faced with it.
NERV were all bastards.
Unit 02's arms, where are they? I have to help them Rei what are you doing.
You remind me of a mother Rei I bet you would make a great mother.
She's blushing?
This smells like Ayanami I can breathe it in this is a smell I know my mother the plug smells like Ayanami I say.
Smells like what Asuka says I suppose he's been smelling her a lot is he a pervert.
Rei I can see you now.

Rei what's my father like?
I do not know she says.

"You came into my room just to ask that ridiculous question?" Asuka snaps.
I can't say sorry; then I feel like I'll have to apologize. Yeah, sorry I like you, Asuka. You pilot an Eva for praise and attention but when someone likes you, you brush them aside like dust. I close the door without saying anything. Slam the door, actually. Nice going, Shinji. She's a bitch, so you have to be an asshole.
I wasn't paying attention. I was in a memory. A lot of memories.
You can't keep replaying those same few moments and expect them to become a shelter for you regurgitating and re-digesting the same events from the past repeatedly until the present is hollow.