"You are a boy. Act
like one." Misato reproaches me.
"You're a man, right?"
Asuka teases.
"After all, combat is a man's job." I boast.
"Is this really a girl's room?" Toji asks.
Who decides
what a man is supposed to do? What a girl is supposed to do? That's
more ambiguous than what it means to be human: what it means to be a
man; what it means to be a woman. It's not absolute. Humans made it
like they made everything they know.
Toji states "It's not a
man's work." when I ask him to help me clean up. It's stupid to
say you can't pick up because you're a man. It's just as stupid
as saying you can't cry because you're a man. Or you can't
fight because you're a girl.
Combat is a man's job I say when I've finally started to "assert myself" when I have a bit of an "attitude" and I fall in the Angel's shadow and meet myself. Myself as seen by someone else? It was made up. That's what I'm going to decide. Either the Angel was trying to screw with my head or I was hallucinating. I whimper it's cold I say I'm going to die in four hours Eva standby mode minimal life support life energy depleting.
This warmth is something I have never known
before. Is this a part of being human? How would you define a human?
Is there some sort of a list? If emotion and self-awareness are
qualifiers... does that make an Eva human? Does that make me the
machine? I've only ever felt the warmth that's supposed to be a
part of being human when inside the Eva. I've been under its
restraint, not the other way around. It was my mother that I felt.
But my mother is something I have never felt.
Rei draws the
answers from me by repeating the same three words after every
statement I make. I had to retract my statements, didn't I? She was
pulling my purpose out from the depths of me? She was putting it in
front of me and I chose to hide it again.
At least I
chose.
Shinji what happens from this point on is your own
decision only you can decide Misato says
The Eva is refusing to
accept our commands it's choosing not to listen
Shinji you have
to choose Shinji come out bring him back damn it.
I see Rei.
What's Unit 00 holding? A mine? Rei what the hell did you do. You
blew it up are you crazy. The Angel's not even phased and more
people could die and Asuka's Eva's head was thrown right in front
of me and it's bleeding bleeding make the stupid thing stop,
father. More people could die because of this thing but I can't
fight it because I'm not even sure what makes it our enemy. It's
killing so many humans but do we have the right to decide that the
lives of humans are worth more than an Angels? Who made us God? Did
God? God made man, man made God, man made Evas but angels made Evas
but God made angels and man made God who made man make it stop father
make this goddamn thing stop I can't kill another human please
don't let it crush the plug there's another kid my own age in
there!
There's probably people who care about them but not me
no one cares about me and you're just demonstrating that right now
by not letting me control the Eva and not even letting me do the only
thing that would give me the chance of being cared about and I hate
you please love me.
"There is a renowned post-modernist
opening today juxtaposing artistic images with image portraying or
suggesting the creation of art, creating what has been called a
suspension of art and reality." The television has been changed to
the news. Asuka has gone to her room. She hasn't been out in a
while. Should I go check on her? No, she'll yell at me. What's
worse, she'll probably yell at me in German and leave me to figure
out what she was saying which is worse than knowing torture torture
Stupid Shinji I hear her voice echoing in my head.
Asuka has
retreated to her room and has been there for a while. Thanks Asuka.
That means no awkward situations occur while soap operas play in the
background of our affairs. Affairs.
NERV internal affairs
intelligence. The TV has changed to the news and they are discussing
art mimicking reality? I thought reality was art, and the other way
around. It's like a dream that you have of dreaming about watching
a movie about what's about to happen to you in your life. It's
like being on a hamster's exercise wheel and running and trying to
run faster than the wheel, isn't it?
People have a tendency
to feel trapped by freedom. I've heard people talk about how I need
to come out of my shell. I hide in a shell because of why? I have to
restrict myself?
I envy the blind because they cannot see the
absence of grace said my father my father who abandoned me but I try
to exclude him because he excluded me to make way for Rei if it's a
girl I'll name the baby Rei he said please accept me father.
Somebody please like me.
I knock on Asuka's door. She
says "Yes?" very slowly. She's annoyed. But I wouldn't know,
would I? People are who they are but there's no point to that
because everyone spends all their life just trying to describe
themselves and their own inner monologues and their motivations Kaji
said when he spent the night with us. Asuka wasn't happy then. I
don't know what I did I know I did something. I wanted to say sorry
for apologizing to her all the time I don't want her to be mad at
me. Asuka, hear me out for a minute. I'm sorry that I'm the way I
am. I'm sorry for always having to say sorry. Why am I thinking of
telling her this now?
"Is everything honestly back to normal?"
I instead ask. How the hell should she know? She doesn't. She
shrugs. I mean, is NERV still existent? Is this how we would want the
world or is this the world as it actually was? As it was when we were
fighting the Angels? Are the Eva Units here? All of them?
Haven't
you heard Kensuke says Unit 04 exploded or something why didn't
Misato tell me this?
I can't fight another Eva. I can't kill
another person there's a kid in there just who is the Fourth was I
supposed to know? Why was I left out did they think it would be too
hard on me it's like they were expecting something like this to
happen and they knew I would be the one to break down and cry when
faced with it.
NERV were all bastards.
Unit 02's arms,
where are they? I have to help them Rei what are you doing.
You
remind me of a mother Rei I bet you would make a great mother.
She's
blushing?
This smells like Ayanami I can breathe it in this is a
smell I know my mother the plug smells like Ayanami I say.
Smells
like what Asuka says I suppose he's been smelling her a lot is he a
pervert.
Rei I can see you now.
Rei what's my father
like?
I do not know she says.
"You came into my room
just to ask that ridiculous question?" Asuka snaps.
I can't
say sorry; then I feel like I'll have to apologize. Yeah, sorry I
like you, Asuka. You pilot an Eva for praise and attention but when
someone likes you, you brush them aside like dust. I close the door
without saying anything. Slam the door, actually. Nice going, Shinji.
She's a bitch, so you have to be an asshole.
I wasn't paying
attention. I was in a memory. A lot of memories.
You can't keep
replaying those same few moments and expect them to become a shelter
for you regurgitating and re-digesting the same events from the past
repeatedly until the present is hollow.
