Deep in an unknown and un-cared about corner of hell, there was a teen-age figure rocking back and forth.
"They spend all day torturing mortal souls and having fun... Well, I can have fun too, and I don't need them!"
He picked up a rock and threw it into the air, then caught it. He looked down at the rock, then tossed it into the air again.
"See, this is fun. I'm having lots of fun with my rock."
This piteous scene continued for a few minutes, until he missed a catch and the rock hit the ground.
There was another pause as he stared blankly at the ground, then he slowly reached down and retrieved his chunk of ore, turned it until he found the sharpest edge, then pressed the sharp edge up against his other wrist.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
"You want to summon a demon?"
"Technically, but nothing at all like what you're imagining. He is, however, a specialist who has a great deal of experience dealing with people like Sasuke."
"If you say so..."
"I do. Emo! The left hand of death summons you from the darkness!"
He threw his beads, but this time the flame that formed was black, and once it had taken sufficient human form, Sarutobi formed his seal, "ANIMO MANES!"
Emo phased into existence, but ignored them, continuing the geological assault on his wrist.
Naruto looked at Sarutobi cautiously, "This is the guy?"
"Yes."
"What is he doing?"
"He's trying to cut himself with a rock. He does that sometimes."
"Why?"
"Because he's not allowed to have sharp objects anymore."
"I'm failing to see how this... person... is going to be able to help us with Sasuke."
Hearing him, Emo suddenly glared, "Thats right, I'm not good for anything! No one ever wants me around!"
Sarutobi smiled, "Thats a very nice sweater you have there, Emo."
"You don't really think that though. No one ever understands my self expression. NO ONE LOVES ME!"
Naruto blinked, "Maybe I spoke too soon."
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
"What do you mean 'They're staying with me'?"
Bardiel rolled his eyes, "Exactly what I said. It's an honor, Zabuza. It means that the upper echelon thinks you're a good role model."
Zabuza honestly couldn't come up with a coherent response to that other than: "They think I'm a good role model?"
"They do, and you can't argue. Kimimaro and Tayuya have already been assigned as your apprentices. We all look forward to their success."
The door was slammed in his face, and the devil of the hidden mist stomped off, his new minions rushing to try and keep up.
"I can't (bleep)ing believe this. Those (bleep)ing (bleep)ers dump their extra (bleep)ing recruits on me and expect me to just go the (bleep) along with their (bleep)ing plans!"
Tayuya looked around nervously, "Where are those bleeps coming from?"
"This is heaven, so the word (bleep) is automatically censored. You can say damn, shit and crap, but not (bleep). Try it if you don't believe me."
"(bleep)... What the (bleep)?... Mother (bleep)er! Try it, Kimimaro!"
"Actually, I'd rather not, as I find the two of you to be profane enough as it is."
Suddenly finding himself the focus of a great deal of ire, Kimimaro sighed, "Fine... (Bleep)."
He looked startled for a moment, "(Bleep)... (Bleep)... (Bleep)... (Bleep)."
There was momentary stillness.
"(Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)! (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)! "
Tayuya and Zabuza looked at him strangely, "Ok, you can stop now."
"Seriously, kid, you're freaking me out."
The white haired man looked lost in his own world for a few seconds, but then snapped out of it and shook his head, "It's... amazing. The soft, yet still firm and insistent tone of the 'bleep'..."
"It's a divine sensor bleep."
"No! It is so much more than a sensor bleep... it is my soul shining through!"
"What is with this guy?"
Tayuya shrugged, "Kimimaro doesn't really do anything halfway."
"But isn't this a little excessive?"
"Well..."
/-/-/-/Initiate Flashback Sequence/-/-/-/
Orochimaru looks down at the uber-chibi Kimimaro, "Hey kid, you look like hell, want to come hang with me for a bit?"
"Wow! Someone's offering me help. I'm gonna swear to be his lifelong slave!"
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Chibi Kimimaro leaves a corner store, then notices hes missing a bit of change.
"What! That lady stole thirteen cents from me! I'm gonna kill her and her entire family!"
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Kimimaro orders a hamburger at McDonalds, but realizes they only gave him one piece of pickle,
"How dare they! I'm gonna burn this restaurant to the ground along with everyone in it!"
/-/-/-/End Flashback Sequence/-/-/-/
"Not for him, no."
Kimimaro had resumed his experimentation, "(Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)ity, (Bleep)! ba(Bleep), ba(Bleep), ba(Bleep), ba(Bleep)! "
Zabuza twitched, "If you don't stop that right now, I'm going to eviscerate you."
Now Kimimaro didn't know what 'eviscerate' meant, but it sounded rather painful, and so he became quiet, huffing haughtily.
"Now as I was saying, since you two are apparently going to be bothering me until I can find someone else to dump you on, there are a few basic rules that..."
"(Bleep!)"
His head snapped around, but Zabuza was greeted by the sight of them both pointing at the other while trying to look innocent. In most cases this would have weeded out the perpetrator, but since Kimimaro and Tayuya were both used to always being the person who had done whatever it was they were being suspected of, neither of them were even the slightest bit convincing when it came to looking innocent.
Not about to start playing that game, Zabuza started to talk while walking backwards.
(Zabuza is about to brief Tayuya and Kimimaro on the rules of the afterlife, and since they are almost exactly the same as the rules set down by Sarutobi for Naruto, I give you instead something completely random.)
Early in the morning on the day after he lost his arms, Orchimaru gets out of bed and walks over to his closet in his "Metal Gear Solid 2" boxers, looking for something to wear.
It's okay if don't have arms, he thinks to himself, I can dress myself using my freakish tongue.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Later, at breakfast, Orochimaru sits down and looks over his food.
It's okay if don't have arms, he thinks to himself, I can eat using my freakish tongue.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Later, in the bathroom, Orochimaru finishes doing his business on the toilet, then looks at the roll of toilet paper.
It's okay if don't have arms, he thinks to himself, I can...
He suddenly looks down at the toilet, then back at the toilet paper, then up at the door, "KABUTO! I need you for something!"
(And now, back to our usually scheduled weirdness)
"Everyone understand? Good, because I'm not explaining it again and if you break the rules you'll join your friends in hell."
Not really having any choice in the matter, the two nin mumbled acknowledgment.
Zabuza turned a corner, still walking backwards, "Okay, we're almost to the orientation building, where you're going to be subjected to a few hours of crap lectures from a bunch of annoying do-gooders."
"Aren't you supposed to be... I don't know... mentoring us?"
"That will come later, since as I said before, I have smiting to do."
Not allowing any more discussion, Zabuza pulled open the doors to the orientation building and shoved the two newbie angels inside.
"Have fun, and try not to piss anyone powerful off."
The door slammed behind them, and Kimimaro suddenly saw an obnoxiously smiling woman stand up from her desk, "Hello there! Welcome to new angel orientation, my name is Sandra, but you can call me Boopsie!"
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-
Naruto shuffled nervously along next to the newcomer while Sarutobi ventured on ahead, following Sasuke's trail, "So... Emu... how do you like being a demon?"
"It's Em-o. You know how to pronounce 'O'? Like in 'broke' or 'choke' or 'mope' or..."
"Yeah, I get the picture."
"You get the picture? YOU GET THE PICTURE? DON'T PRETEND TO KNOW HOW I FEEL WHEN I KNOW YOU'RE REALLY LAUGHING AT ME ON THE INSIDE!"
"Sorry, I didn't mean to..."
"DON'T LIE TO ME! NO ONE LIKES ME ENOUGH TO APPOLOGIZE!"
"Um... If you need me for anything, I'll be up with Sarutobi."
"Yeah, that's right, I knew you really didn't want to talk to me."
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
As Sasuke ran full tilt towards Konoha, he found himself continuing to have doubts, and a furious battle was being waged inside his skull.
"Come on, give this insane chase up!"
"You can't order me around. You're not actually Kakashi, you're just an imaginary voice that sounds like him."
"Surprisingly enough, the captain has a point. We are merely delusions created by his subconscious. This, however, does not lend any credibility to any of his other opinions, which I still object to quite strongly."
"Hey you two, stop talking about me like I'm not here! I'm still the #1 Sasuke."
"Hmm... True. How about we compromise then?"
"Indeed, compromise is always advisable. What did you have in mind?"
"How about this, in exchange for us keeping quiet about this spontaneous obsession, Sasuke #1 buys us some decent literature to enjoy."
"You mean porn, don't you?"
"No..."
"You're lying."
"Maybe..."
"I am not buying any porn."
"Not even a little bit?"
"No."
"What about something with artistic merit? We could buy some well drawn hentai manga or something like that."
"That's still porn."
"No it's not, it's art."
"Technically, it is both."
/-/-/-/7 Minutes Later/-/-/-/
Sasuke was sitting on the grass massaging his temples, "Okay, so we can agree that while under some circumstances hentai manga could be considered artistic in a way that supersedes it's inherent nature as porn, my intention when speaking was to declare that I have no intention or desire to buy anything that even could in the vaguest sense be classified as porn."
"That would seem to cover everything."
"Yeah, I guess."
"Good, then lets go."
Being unable to hear the voices in Sasuke's head, the three supernaturals had been watching with a kind of detached unease.
Emo for one was so disturbed that he even forgot to be whiny, "Man... There is something really wrong with that guy."
Sarutobi nodded, "Yes there is, but do you think you can slow him down?"
Exited at the prospect of interacting with another intelligent being, Emo looked almost somewhat happy (but not really), "Oh yeah, we'll have a lot of fun together!"
"Just don't go overboard, I don't want him to end up throwing himself off a cliff or anything."
The demon suddenly dissolved into a ball of light, zipped over to Sasuke, and somehow got absorbed into him.
Kakashi-Sasuke and Spock-Sasuke suddenly felt a new presence, "Hello everybody. I know you don't care, but my name is Emo"
Sasuke #1 faltered mid leap and fell out of the trees, "Now theres another one of you?"
"Wait... The host can hear me? I'm supposed to be in his sub-conscious."
"Yeah, well, Sasuke's been getting very in touch with his sub-conscious recently."
"So who the hell are you and why are you in my head?"
"I said before, I'm Emo, and I'm really supposed to send you subconscious messages that will lead you into a downward spiral of depression, but that really doesn't work if you know I'm here."
"So then..."
"Well, we could just hang out or something."
"I meant 'so then when are you going to get the hell out of my head.' "
"So you wanna do this the hard way? Fine."
Sasuke was suddenly overcome by a cloud of sadness and he fell on his butt then grabbed his knees, rocking back and forth, "All of a sudden it makes sense. The whole world becomes clear once I realize that nothing I do will ever matter and that nobody will ever love me."
"Well," Sarutobi said, "At least he's not moving anymore. Emo should be able to restrain him until we can undo the fate alteration."
"So then," Naruto asked cautiously, "What are we going to do now?"
"Now..." the older man intoned, "We have a far greater challenge to overcome"
/-/-/-/Hidden Leaf: Hokage Tower/-/-/-/
"Hello Shizune?"
"Good afternoon Tsunade-sama... Did something good happen?"
"Not really, it just seems like a happy day."
As Tsunade skipped into her office, Shizune was left with the unshakable feeling that something wasn't quite right. Following her teacher into the Hokage's inner sanctum, she cautiously approached the singing Tsunade, who suddenly spun round, "You know, I like dark haired men."
"Thats... Nice, I guess."
"In fact, I like men best with an air of mystery, and maybe just a little rebelliousness too."
"Is there some reason for bringing this up now?"
"Not really... I'm just feeling romantic today, I guess. And maybe a little wistful."
"It's good that you're in such a good mood, but we have a lot of things to take care of right now, so it might be better to focus on what needs to get done."
"Why do you always have to be so... so.. responsible?"
Shizune let out a little noise of exasperation, "One of us needs to be."
"I think you need to get laid."
"Tsunade-sama!"
"What? It's true. You need to go out and meet some men your own age rather than hanging around in this tower all the time."
"Th... Th... Th... Thats..."
"It doesn't even have to be serious if you don't want, I mean, you're plenty attractive enough to have guys lining up just for a chance to talk to you. All you need to do is find a bar, shake your...mmph!"
Shizune clamped her hand on the Hokage's mouth and smiled over the older woman's shoulder at the all-too amused looking man in the doorway, "Anything we can help you with, Jiraiya-sama?"
"Right now, I have to say I'm pretty interested in what it is Tsunade wants you to be 'shaking' in bars."
The Hokage pried off her helper's hand, "Jiraiya, your an expert on this type of thing. Don't you agree Shizune is hot?"
"If you'd excuse us for a moment, Hokage-sama." Shizune ran out of the room, dragging a stunned Jiraiya along.
"What on earth is wrong with her?"
"I'm not sure! She came in really bouncy, and then started talking about how she liked her men dark and mysterious and then she... she..."
"Ok, you need to calm down and think about this rationally."
"We're you listening to her! How am I supposed to be rational!"
Indiscernible as always, Sarutobi shook his head to clear it of the motion sickness that came with teleportation and gawked at the scene, "I can't help but wonder if maybe I had a bit too much confidence in the villagers."
"I don't know." Naruto answered diplomatically as he watched Shizune have a nervous breakdown, "Nothing seems to be on fire yet."
Smoke suddenly started to pour out of the Hokage's office, causing those still breathing to choke and cough.
"Wow..." The blond grinned, "What were the odds of that happening?"
"Please Naruto, for the sake of my sanity; remember that we are part of fate. Rashly spoken words can have an effect on the real world."
"Point taken, but I'm really more concerned about Tsunade and her situation. If she keeps acting this weird, people are going to start noticing."
Tsunade skipped out of the flaming office and giggled, "Sorry about that, peoples!"
"As compared to now, you mean?" Sarutobi said skeptically.
"Well, if we can fix things or at least obscure them quickly, everyone might pass it off as stress or something."
"That's how this usually works, but I'm shocked by how fast Tsunade is succumbing. I gave her will more credit than that."
"Well," Naruto said, "Maybe she doesn't want to resist. Maybe she's been focusing entirely on fighting and gambling for too long and is yearning for love."
"Oh. I actually hadn't thought of that. Well this just fucks everything up royally."
"...Did you just say what I think you said?"
"What? I'm allowed to say fuck. I don't have to be a role model any more."
"Yeah," Naruto looked down at the general mayhem and chaos below them as Jiraiya and Shizune gathered a fire crew while Tsunade pranced dreamily around mumbling something about her prince, "You passed that job on to her."
"Fuck. Fuckfuckfuckfuckfuck."
"Feel better?"
"Yes, thank you."
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Zabuza strolled through the streets feeling relatively contented. He had smitten his quota of 'evil doers', and could now go home and enjoy dinner. His peace was only disturbed by the fact that he was sure he had forgotten something, and as he pondered his eyes strayed up to the skyline and the looming orientation building.
"Oh (bleep)."
His good mood dying faster than puppy thrown in lava, Zabuza stormed over to the main doors and threw them open, "You brats in here?"
He reeled back as there were two unexpected impacts on his lower body, and he tottered as he realized that he couldn't move his legs due to there being people clinging to them.
Tayuya was shaking like a leaf, "I swear to god, I will be your slave for life if you just never send me back in to that building again."
"Who'd want you as a slave? You're weak, unattractive, and bitchyyyaaand, hello there, Boopsie."
The ever cheery angel smiled brightly, "It's nice to see students show so much affection for their teacher."
"Isn't it?" Zabuza said in a gratuitously fake cheerful voice, "How did they do today?"
"Very well, though they might benefit from a couple more days training..."
"I think I'll do the rest of it myself, actually."
"Why, that sounds wonderful! It's good to see an angel showing so much interest in the education of novices."
"Now if you'd excuse us, we need to be getting home."
Boopsie closed the door behind them, and Zabuza growled, "Either you let go of my legs RIGHT NOW or my sword is going to get very 'affectionate' with your faces'."
After dusting themselves off, the two seemed to regain a bit of their composure and Tayuya, who pretty much always spoke for both of them since Kimimaro hated talking, tried to backpedal a little in hopes of repairing her shattered dignity, "And you know, I was of course just kidding about the slave thing and..."
"Shut up."
"..."
"Remember that the quieter you are, the less likely I am to figure that being knocked down a few ranks for 'accidentally' throwing my apprentices into the fiery pit of hell wouldn't be as bad as having to put up with you."
The silence now having become slightly tense, Kimimaro and Tayuya followed silently as Zabuza led the way back to his house.
Haku heard the front door slam open, and set down the stew he had just taken out of the oven, "Welcome home, Zabuza-sama, how was your da..."
Emerging from the kitchen, Haku trailed off at the sight of their guests, "You really should have told me you were going to invite people over."
Tayuya swept her gaze over Haku, who was wearing an apron, then looked back at Zabuza, "Seriously, how did a jackass like you get a girl like her to move in with you?"
And things pretty much deteriorated from there.
/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/-/
Author's Notes:
No, I'm not dead. On the other hand, I was in something of a slump for a while, and I just seem to be recovering now.
I'm not exactly sure how I got into my slump, but I think it had something to do with the fact that I'm just not liking the new Naruto content. Some people like filler episodes, others view them as a necessary evil, and then there are those people who would watch if even they just took old dragon ball Z episodes and photoshoped Naruto's face onto Goku's head, but not me.
So what did I do all this time? Mostly original work, actually. A couple short stories, and a handful of essays. I also started university, which predictably takes up quite a bit of time, but about four days ago I impulsively loaded up this chapter (which at the time was only a quarter finished) and found that for some reason, I had rediscovered my motivation.
Go figure.
