Chapter 21
A week had gone by since Kitty had returned from London. She had not been able to bring herself to ask Mr. Cadogan about Victoria. Upon thinking about it, Kitty realized that she cared a great deal about his answer and couldn't bear to hear it until she was ready. During the week Mr. Dison proposed to Sophie, and she accepted, which caused a great deal of excitement around the house. Everyone seemed excited, except Mary. She had merely offered her congratulations and then continued reading as if nothing had happened at all.
On this particular morning, Kitty woke early and peeked out of the curtains in her bedroom to see the sun shining brightly outside. She quickly got dressed, excited that today she would finally be allowed to experience the morning air. She had not been able to go on any walks since her return to London, every morning was stricken with gray clouds or rain, and the one other morning it was nice, Hannah had come down with a bit of a cold. So, Kitty was especially excited for her walk this morning, finally to be alone with the man she loved.
"Good morning Mr. Cadogan." she said cheerfully as she entered the dining room.
"Good morning Miss Kitty, it looks as if the weather is finally cooperating with us." he smiled.
"Indeed, I am so thankful, I have truly missed the morning." she sighed.
"Well then, shall we be off?"
"Yes please." she said, not attempting to hide her excitement.
They got outside and Kitty was eager to begin talking. There was so much she had been wanting to speak with him about. "How do you feel about your sisters engagement?"
"I am very happy for her. Dison is a good man and will treat her well. And he will also be quite capable of providing for her as well."
"Yes they do seem like they will be quite happy."
"She deserves to be happy, she has always been an excellent sister and will make a most excellent wife, although, I must admit, I will miss her."
"Are you happy Mr. Cadogan?"
"About Sophie? I've already told you that I am."
"No, I mean you. You said that Sophie deserves to be happy, but don't you deserve to be as well?"
"I was happy once, and I am not terribly miserable now, I have had my happiness and that is enough."
"But you could be happy again."
"How so?"
"Well, you could get married again."
"Miss Kitty, we've been through this before." he sighed.
"Oh, well, I thought that perhaps you had changed your mind."
"And why would you think that?"
Kitty took a deep breath, she wasn't sure that she wanted to hear, but it was now or never. She walked a few paces, thinking of how she would ask when Mr. Cadogan interrupted her thoughts.
"Why would you think that Miss Kitty?"
"Well because of Victoria Willoby." she blurted.
"What about Miss Willoby?" he asked, completely confused.
"The way you let her touch you, she is always touching you in some way, and she never wants to leave, and is always around. And it seems to me that you don't mind it all that much, so I thought..."
"I ignore her when she's around, I don't want to be rude, so I just pretend she is not there and only answer when I need to. I don't even notice her touching me, as you say she does. So, in short, there is nothing going on with Miss Willoby and I. And therefore, no, I have not changed my mind about marrying again."
"Oh, not even if it were to someone other then Miss Willoby?"
"Miss Kitty even if there was anyone else, I would have to be in love with them and they turn would have to be in love with me..."
"I'm in love with you!" The words flew out of her moth, she didn't even think before she spoke. She quickly threw her hands over her mouth and stopped walking immediately. Mr. Cadogan walked two paces and then also came to a halt and slowly turned to face her.
"What did you say Miss Kitty?"
Kitty's eyes were opened wide in horror, all she could manage was to shake her head, implying that she didn't want to say it again. Her mind was racing and her heart was beating faster than ever before. How could she have been so stupid! It was not her place to say such a thing, and by the look on his face, she most definitely should have kept her mouth shut.
"What did you say?" he asked again staring intently with no emotion.
Kitty lowered her hands and looked at the ground and slowly uttered, "I'm in love with you."
"How, why when did all this happen?" he rambled, confused and distressed.
"I don't know, I realized it while I was away. I didn't mean to, it just, happened." Kitty admitted nervously.
"I just don't understand how you of all people could have let this happen! You, my closest confidant. You know my feelings toward Amelia and know my thoughts on re-marriage. How could you have let yourself fall into such foolish feelings!" he said in an almost angry tone.
Suddenly Kitty lost her feeling of meekness and cam out of her nervous shell. "I already told you, I don't know how it happened! And do not call my feelings foolish, they came about because of pure and utter like for your personality and character and I am not ashamed of them. I enjoy being around you because you are a good man, and you make me want to be better. And I do know your feelings about Amelia and I would never ask or want you to stop loving her! Marrying someone else would not betray her or your feelings toward her. From what you have told me I can not imagine Amelia would be happy with you living this way! I did nothing wrong and I will not allow you to make me think I did."
Kitty's chest heaved as she finished her speech. She hadn't meant to be mean, but she was trying to persuade him of something. He stood there completely silent and expressionless. The silent seconds seemed like agony to Kitty, but all she could do was wring her hands, waiting for some kind of response from her beloved. And finally he began to speak.
"Now Miss Kitty, I believe it is my turn to inform you that it will be raining for the remainder of the summer, which will prevent us from taking our walks in the morning. It looks like rain as we speak, I will escort you back to the Burton's home now."
"But..."
"I wish you had never spoken a word." he said sadly, turning away from her.
"I do not need your formality Mr. Cadogan, I am perfectly able to walk myself back to the Burtons." Kitty said, her voice shaking.
"No, a lady should not walk alone in London, I did not allow it when we first met and I will not allow it now. But I might suggest that this time we walk in silence." he said coldly.
Kitty obliged and fell into step with him a few paces back. They walked quickly and she did not utter a single word, but a tear managed to escape and ran slowly down her cheek. She could not believe that she had ruined her friendship with one sentence, and that he had rejected her.
They entered the house quietly and Mr. Cadogan announced that he would be eating out. He left immediately and Kitty ran straight up to her room. She flung herself on her bed and gave freedom to her tears, which continued for well over an hour, she couldn't seem to control herself. Mary came to get her for dinner, and was astonished at her sisters state.
"Kitty, whatever is the matter? Has someone died? I have never seen you so upset before." Mary said, rushing to her side.
Kitty wrapped her arms around her sister and cried onto her shoulder. Mary sat still for a while and tried to calm her sister by twirling her hair. Mary asked if Kitty was hungry and Kitty answered by shaking her head. Despite Kitty saying no, Mary left for a moment and asked Georgiana to have both of their meals sent upstairs. She came back quickly and resumed her position next to Kitty on the bed.
"What happened Kitty? Please tell me."
"I, I, I'm so stupid." Kitty sobbed.
"Why do you say that?"
"Because, I let my mouth get away from me! I just say things before thinking about it! And now it's all ruined!" she heaved.
"Kitty, do try to calm down, I can hardly understand you. Here have a cup of tea." Mary said, offering her sister a freshly poured cup of tea.
"Thank you Mary." she gasped.
Kitty took a long sip of her tea and breathed deeply. She repeated this several times and eventually reached the point where she wasn't hysterical. Silence continued for a few more minutes and then Mary gently asked the question again.
"Tell me what happened, take your time."
"I told him I loved him. I don't know what I was thinking! I just spat it out, and now he's gone forever." she said beginning to cry again.
"Wait, who do you love?" Mary asked, suddenly confused.
"Mr. Cadogan, I love Mr. Cadogan." Kitty admitted somberly.
"What? Since when? Why hadn't you told me?"
"Because, I just realized it myself while I was away at Lydia's. When you wrote of the way Victoria had her hands all over him, I got incredibly jealous, and couldn't account for it at all. Then, I began to think of him, and I began to recall all of our walks. It was when I remembered those that I realized, I love everything about him."
"I wonder that it took you so long to discover your emotions." Mary said, resting her arms on her sisters shoulder.
"I think it took me so long because I knew he didn't want to remarry. But unfortunately I stopped listening to my mind."
"Ok, so you love him and you told him so. But, I am confused as to how these two things have thrown you into such hysterics."
"Because, he doesn't love me, he told me that I was foolish for my feelings. Then I practically yelled at him for making me feel ridiculous. And now, he never wants to see me again."
"Did he say that?"
"Not exactly, but I know that's what he meant." Kitty said, falling back into her tears.
Mary sat and comforted her sister for the rest of the evening and tried to tell stories that would life her spirits. Kitty fell asleep quickly from exhaustion of her crying. Once she was sleeping, Mary sat in her bed and thought about love. Look at what it had done to her sister. Mary fell asleep knowing that she had been right to reject Mr. Rawlins.
Kitty kept to her room the next morning, to avoid Cadogan. But around lunch time, Georgiana had come to inform her that Mr. Cadogan, had left. In the early morning he packed his and Hannah's things and headed to his parents house in the country. He had no reason to be there with Sophie engaged and could not ask her to care for Hannah with a wedding to plan.
Kitty accepted the news well, only allowing one tear to slide down her cheek. Luckily her tear was unnoticed by Georgiana, for she could not bear to tell the story again so soon. Later that day, Kitty emerged from the solitude of her room. During the remaining weeks in London Kitty and Mary enjoyed the company of their close family and friends. Kitty explained what happened to Lizzy and Jane, and they both offered wise advise. Despite loving being in London, both Kitty and Mary were looking forward to being home. At least there they would be away from the memories of lost friends.
