Daryl felt his face scrunch as sunlight shown against his closed eyes. He threw an arm over his head for a moment before realizing that it must be morning. He'd stayed longer than he'd meant to with Connie and knew he was going to be dragging today but he never liked to sleep in late. There was always too much to do. He could hear some soft clanging noises coming from the kitchen and could tell that Carol was up. Then he realized that he could smell food cooking and that was enough to motivate him to open his eyes and sit up. Dog was gone but came padding back over to him when she heard him sit up. He gave her a gentle ear scratch before stretching with a yawn.
He wondered vaguely how Carol had slept. He had found her with a book still open on her chest and wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep before he came home. Although the bed had been mightily inviting, she had looked so peaceful that he'd chosen to go to the couch so that he wouldn't accidentally wake her up.
He was still very worried about her, but she seemed to be doing better. At least he hoped. He knew that she was a master at hiding things from him…from everyone actually. And that secretiveness scared him to a certain extent. But the last time that she had hurt herself she had not waited long to tell him and that gave him hope.
Prying himself from his thoughts he got up and headed out to the kitchen. Carol was standing over the stove stirring a pot. Daryl watched her cook for a few seconds before deciding to announce his presence.
"Mornin'"
She turned then and gave him a weak smile that caused a pang of worry in him. "Morning." She responded. "Want breakfast?"
He nodded wondering why she seemed off. "How'd ya sleep?" he asked cautiously.
She lifted a shoulder in response, turning back to the stove. "Fine. I started a new book but passed out before I could finish the chapter I was on." She paused. "You were out late."
"Ya. Got carried away talking. I'm gonna be tired today but I'll survive."
"We always do."
There was something wrong. He could feel it. But he didn't know how to ask without putting her on edge.
She scraped some food onto two plates and turned off the stove. She brought both plates out and placed one in front of him. His mouth practically watered at the plate of mashed potatoes and rabbit. Not exactly breakfast food but fuck any kind of hot meal was a luxury anymore.
"Why are the potatoes gray?" he teased lightly already digging into his plate and finding the color did not express the flavor. Fuck, gray, black, green, he'd eat this in any color.
"Coltsfoot ash. I can't stand potatoes without salt." She answered simply, beginning to eat her own plate. He glanced up at her and noticed with a frown that her own serving was much smaller than his.
"How aint ya hungry? This is good."
She gave him another weak smile. "Thanks. Just not that hungry today."
He continued frowning as he turned back down to his plate.
This woman is never gonna make any fucking sense to me anymore. With Connie back you'd think she'd be throwing a damn party not moping again. He puzzled it out for a few minutes in the relative silence of his meal before an idea came to him. Connie is a reminder of her guilt. She is probably just feeling bad about what she went through because of the cave.
"How ya feelin today? Any bad thoughts?" he said with a mouth full of rabbit.
"Nope. I'm feeling fine. Just happy Connie is safe and sound." She answered quickly.
"Ya don't seem fine." He challenged her already tiring of her bullshit.
"Stop already."
He looked up in surprise at the heat in her voice to see her glaring at him.
"I said I was fine. I'm tired of being questioned all the time." With that she grabbed her half full plate and took it back to the stove. His eyes narrowed in anger as he watched her put the rest of her food on another plate and pile it with the rest of the potatoes and rabbit from the pans.
"I'm going to see if Lydia is hungry."
"And not eat more than three bites yourself." He accused his growing rage tinging his voice.
Her shoulders shrank a little, but she kept walking out of the house. He had half a mind to follow her and force her to explain what she was playin' at but instead he let her go.
I'm too damn tired to deal with this shit.
It was only about fifteen minutes later that his anger disappeared into worry, and he found himself rushing out of the house to go find where she went.
LINE
Carol leaned up against the rail outside the house Lydia was staying at watching the young girl demolish the food on her plate.
"This is so good." She mumbled around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "What'd you put in these potatoes? They're gray but so good." A bit of potato slipped from her mouth as she was talking, and she pushed it back up to her mouth with a dirty finger.
Carol rolled her eyes. You can take the girl out of the wild…
"I mixed in smashed ramps and burnt coltsfoot." she answered.
"What about the rabbit?" she took a large bite of the thigh as she asked.
"Coltsfoot ash mustard root and peppergrass." Carol said.
"Why aren't you ever on cook duty? Nobody else cooks this good." Lydia gnawed the rest of the meat off the bone and then began licking her fingers indecently.
"You have worse table manners than Daryl." Carol teased but instantly her smile fell as she thought about the hunter.
I really was rude to him earlier. What the hell has gotten into me?
You're just proving that you don't deserve his friendship.
Lydia smiled at her sheepishly. "Sorry."
She shook her head. "I'm just teasing. What the hell do table manners matter anymore?"
Lydia sucked at a finger as she repeated her earlier question.
"I don't know sometimes I help out, but I like to stay busy and leave the cook duty to those who need to stay around their kids inside. Besides Nabila is a really good cook."
Lydia nodded. "She is. But she only does it half the time."
"If you want, I could teach you some things about the natural herbs around here. I bet you already know more than you think from living in the woods."
"Do you think Daryl would mind if I came with you guys on your next trip out?"
If we ever do one together again.
"I'm sure he wouldn't. I'll ask him next time I see him." Carol responded easily.
Lydia gestured with her chin behind Carol. "We could ask him now. He's been standing there staring at you for a couple minutes."
Carol started in surprise and turned to see that Daryl was in fact standing just a little ways from them looking right at her. Upon seeing Carol meet his gaze he nodded at her and started walking up to them.
Carol felt herself flushing in anxiety as she worried about him being angry with her about how she had talked to him earlier.
"Hey Daryl." Lydia greeted with a smile. "Carol and I were just talking about the way that she knows wild plants so well. You think it'd be okay if I came out with you guys on your next run so she can teach me about foraging plants?"
"Sure, it'd be a good thing to learn, and Carol does know a lot about what's good for medicine and eating." He answered.
Lydia grinned. "Great! I can't wait."
Daryl looked at Carol then. "Hey can we talk?"
This is it. This is when he tells me I'm too much trouble to keep trying to fix me. Too much of an ungrateful bitch to stay his friend.
"Sure, but can we talk later? I was going to go see if Jerry needed help harvesting the new crop it should be about ready." She said standing up and turning to make a hasty escape.
Daryl shook his head, getting closer to her and ignoring the curious look from Lydia. "Nah can't really wait. Lyd, can you go inside for a minute?" he asked without taking his eyes off Carol's face.
Carol watched as Lydia nodded behind Daryl's back and quickly slipped into her house. Once she heard the door click shut Carol maneuvered herself away from the rail and Daryl moving to sit on stairs a couple feet farther away. Daryl frowned at the motion but didn't follow her turning to lean against the railing himself.
"I'm sorry for how I talked to you earlier." Carol said softly as she stared ahead and resolutely away from him.
"it's alright. I know I've probably been smotherin' ya."
She shrugged. Yes, but it's been nice to have you seem like you care. "No. I mean yeah but I haven't minded much. I think I just was tired."
He came down then and sat next to her. "Look I ain't trying to be the inquisition here but I don't want ya to start hidin' from me again. Ya sure that's all it is?" He paused. "Is it cause of Connie?"
She turned sharply to look at him then. "What?! No of course not. I'm so glad she's home." She answered honestly.
"No, I mean because of what happened. I was wonderin' if ya were feelin' guilty again?"
She looked down at her feet and didn't answer.
"That's what I thought." He said. Before she could respond Daryl wrapped an arm around her frame and pulled her gently to lean against him. "She ain't mad at ya. She said so herself she's forgiven you. Hell, she didn't even seem like she thought there was anythin' to forgive." He gripped her a little tighter. "Ya gotta forgive yourself Carol. It's over now."
She nodded against him enjoying the sensation of his arm around her and her face pressed into his shoulder.
"I'm trying." She lied. She pulled away to look up at him. "I'm fine though. Or I will be." He didn't let his arm fully drop and she understood she was going to have to sever this tie herself. For him. "Ya know though… I think I am doing better…"
He nodded in agreement. "Ya are."
She worried her bottom lip as she tried to figure out how to say this. "So, if you want to be spending more time with the others, I'll be okay… like the kids" and Connie. "They need you more than I do now. I'll be fine by myself." He was looking at her with a weird look in his eyes. "I'll still come to you if I need help." She added quickly to reassure him.
"This ain't you shutting me out right?" he asked slowly.
She laughed then a real laugh. "As if you'd let me."
He was silent for a moment. "Judith has been asking me to take her for a shooting lesson. I can stop putting that off." he said thoughtfully.
She smiled. "Yeah see. No need to keep babysitting me." With that Carol unraveled his arm from her and stood.
"Ya will come find me if you need me, right?" Daryl asked looking up at her with a little uncertainty in his eyes.
"Of course." Then she leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth because the gesture felt right. "Thank you for saving me from myself…but I think it's time I save myself now."
She stood and walked away without giving him a chance to respond.
LiNE
Carol leaned back to wipe the sweat off her brow not caring that she was likely wiping dirt onto her face. She'd been working in the garden for a couple of hours when she heard a commotion from the gate. She stared over a bit of trepidation pulling her to her feet as she heard Jerry yell down.
"Hey we've got company."
Before she realized what she was doing she found herself heading over to the wall. She saw that Maggie and Daryl had already ascended the ladder and were standing at the top, weapons pointed out at the uninvited guests hidden by the doors. She rushed over to a small gap in the wall to peer out as the two groups began to talk and she could hear weapons cock. There was a large group of what appeared to be soldiers and some wagons. The soldiers were wearing odd white armor that reminded her of those old Star Wars movies.
Where the hell did they get those?
As she watched Eugene came running to the front and announced the group as friends.
That doesn't seem likely.
After a few tense moments Daryl and Maggie agreed for the gates to be opened and Carol went over to stand by the ladder and waited for Daryl to come down. He didn't take his eyes off the newcomers for a moment, but he subtly jerked his head at her to stay close to him as he went to the common area.
Within a few minutes the entire community was gathered out front Eugene walking around and promising them that they could trust these people and giving a speech about what he'd seen there. Carol and Daryl stayed in the back of the crowd leaning up against the wall as they waited to find out what this was. Carol watched as the soldiers unloaded large amounts of fuel, food and medical supplies. While the gifts were needed nobody ever gave something without wanting something in return. Jerry was standing not far off from her, and she leaned forwards to ask him a question.
"Hey Jer… what were those white armored guys in Star Wars called? The ones who worked for Darth Vader?"
He kept his eyes forward, but she could hear him softly snort with laughter.
"Stormtroopers. And yeah, that is exactly what these dudes look like."
She chuckled softly herself mostly out of an attempt to loosen her nerves and Daryl cast her a sideways curious look.
"Nothing." She murmured as she went back to waiting patiently.
A man in a smart suit walked out and introduced himself as Lance Hornsby. Although what he was saying sounded very nice and pleasant Carol couldn't help thinking
Snake.
After his speech was finished Hornsby announced that he would give them the night to think about it and then anyone who wanted to go to this Commonwealth place was welcome to go with them in the morning. As the group dissipated Carol looked over at Daryl who met her eyes with his own uncertainty.
"Let's go talk." she said softly. They went to pick up Judith and R.J. who were excitedly looking at the food out of the supplies brought to them. Carol was astonished to see they had not only grains and fresh fruit and vegetables but also baked goods. The kids were staring at the delectable looking sweets, but Judith was holding them back.
Carol bit her lip but with a quick look to check with Daryl nodded at Judith to go ahead and the kids waited no longer to each grab whichever pastry had caught their eye. Judith slowly grabbed a donut and went to hand it to her brother, but the young boy had already grabbed and began devouring a colorfully frosted cupcake.
"Hey both of you grab a piece of fruit too or you'll get a bellyache." Daryl warned and Carol couldn't help but smile at his newfound parenting skills. The kids both grabbed an apple before following them back to Carol's house. Daryl had also snagged an apple before he left but Carol chose to let the rest of the crowd get their picks for now. She looked back in amusement as Hershel and Gracie were stuffing their faces with chocolate chip cookies as their parents looked on warily. They went over to her house and sat down at the table. Daryl asked the kids to sit in the living room, having not wanted to leave them unattended outside with the strangers there.
"So, what are you thinking?" Daryl asked as he chomped on his apple.
"Honestly, I don't know. It seems a little too good to be true." Carol answered slowly.
"It does. And I'm not all gung-ho on getting into another corrupt community. But if this is on the up and up…the kids could use this."
Carol could tell that Daryl was warring with this. "I'm with you. Whatever you decide." She said softly, placing a hand on his.
He gave her hand a quick squeeze. "Nah I'm with you."
She smiled at him. "Okay. But let's really be sure. You and me? We survive. Always have. But we have to make sure the kids are good."
They spent the next hour talking before deciding together that whatever risk there was would be worth it. They spent the next couple hours packing, both going to help the kids pack as well. As they went around Carol found that most of their family had decided the same way as them, only a handful choosing to stay. She wasn't surprised that Maggie was among them. She didn't try to talk her into joining them, Maggie had plenty of reason to be skeptical. Hell Carol was too but Daryl wanted a good life for the kids and where Daryl went, she would follow.
They met up with everyone that night for dinner. It was like a feast. A few of the women had put the new supplies to good use and there was plenty of food for all. People were talking with a mix of excitement and worry. Eugene and Hornsby, who they allowed to stay in one of the houses for the night his soldiers camping out in the yards were making their rounds sweet talking people and answering questions.
Carol and Daryl sat with a little group and didn't mix with the strangers. Carol was happy to find out that Connie Kelly, Jerry, and Nabila were planning on going as well. Kelly and Jerry were probably her closest friends now, aside from Daryl of course. Lydia planned to stay, and Carol was really going to miss the teen, but Negan was also staying thankfully, and she knew he would look after her. The kids kept wanting to hover around the stormtroopers out of curiosity, but Daryl warned them away with a look. Despite their decision being made he was not taking any chances trusting anyone too soon.
Carol chose to enjoy her time with the ones choosing to stay behind while she could. She felt that they would be fine, but it was possible it would be a long time before they'd all be together again. After the dark covered up the sky, she and Daryl went to turn in. Judith and R.J. had gone to stay the night with Maggie and Hershel Grace had gone over too. It would be the last night all the kids would be together, so Daryl had been unable to say no.
She was surprised Daryl followed her to her house. Despite feeling exhausted Carol found that she was not sleepy. She instead wandered around the house and repeatedly checked that she had packed everything that she needed. They had tried to stay limited to one bag each. Daryl hadn't struggled with that. The kids either really but she had insisted that they take another duffel of books toys and some mementos from their parents. It wasn't much but she knew how much what they had accumulated in their young lives likely meant to the young ones. She hadn't had much of a problem grabbing her essentials and filling her bag. There wasn't much she put stock in for material things, but she had a shirt that was Henry's that she kept. She was wondering what she kept feeling like she was forgetting when she realized and went over to where Daryl was sitting on the couch petting Dog.
"Can I have my knife back?" she asked softly.
He looked up at her. "Don't think that's a good idea."
"Well, I don't think it's a good idea for me to go to a new place without protection." She challenged.
Daryl was silent for a long moment then he turned serious eyes up to her. "No more words?" It was a question, but it didn't sound like one.
Carol nodded. "No more words." Shouldn't make promises you may not be able to keep. Shut up.
"Fine. Ya right ya should have a knife on you." He got up then and went to his bag retrieving her tanto. He held onto it for another moment before flipping it in his hand and offering her the knuckle guard to take. She grabbed the knife and quickly stuffed it into her duffel.
"Ya gonna keep pacing the house all night or ya gonna come to bed?"
She turned to find Daryl directly behind her half teasing and half chastising.
"I don't know if I'll be able to sleep." she admitted.
He walked away from her down the hall to her bedroom. "Come try at least." He threw over his shoulder as he went into her room.
Carol sighed and followed him going to the bathroom to change into one of the pairs of pajamas she wasn't bringing with her. She was leaving a lot behind, but she knew it was wiser to pack light. Daryl was already in bed when she came out. He looked as wide awake as she felt but she knew he was right, and they should both get some sleep. That just left another issue to deal with.
"You really don't have to keep staying here with me. Told you that was fine by myself now."
He sat up to look at her. "Ya not want me here?"
She bit her lip. "Didn't say that."
"Then what's the problem?"
" just don't want you to feel obligated to stay with me anymore."
He scoffed at her and laid back down. "Shut up and come to bed will ya?"
I just do not get him.
She climbed into bed and stretched out with a yawn. She lay there for several minutes before turning on her side and looking at Daryl.
"Ya sure about this Commonwealth?"
He snorted. "Nope…but yes."
He turned on his side to look back at her. "Ya still in?"
"Of course, I am."
"Okay. Sleep. We'll figure everything else out tomorrow."
Carol nodded and turned back over to try to settle to sleep.
Carol drummed her fingers on the table as she waited. The stormtrooper looking guards were barely paying her any attention and she was beginning to go a little mad from boredom. She wasn't sure where the rest of her group was. It was her understanding that everyone who wanted in was getting in. Part of the implications in their verbal agreement with the man they'd spoken with. Despite this, she had still presented her housewife persona to a certain degree. Unlike before, she hadn't completely hidden her skills with a gun and taking out walkers. At this point, she figured it would be unrealistic for her to be a helpless, innocent homemaker and still be around. But she'd definitely downplayed it. It hadn't mattered much; they'd seemed more focused on her life before the fall. Maybe she'd gone first, or maybe she just wasn't that interesting, but either way she was done first.
After several more minutes of waiting in silence, Nabila was escorted in with her kids. Carol sighed in relief, happy to no longer be alone. The other woman immediately came and sat with Carol. They spoke quietly for a few minutes when the door opened, and Magna walked in.
This continued over the next hour, the room slowly filling up with their group. Carol stayed at her table, talking with Jerry and Nabila as she kept anxiously glancing at the door. At this point, there were only three people missing: Daryl and the kids. Rosita had been the last to walk in, but she shook her head when Carol quietly asked if she had seen the hunter.
Carol was chewing her lip, allowing herself to focus on the minor sting to keep her mind off her missing friend. Finally, she heard the door scrape open and she whipped her head around to see Daryl walking in, Judith half a step in front of him and R.J. holding his hand. She immediately stood without meaning to, and he zeroed in on her, leading the kids straight to the table she was at.
Without any hesitation, he gave her a quick hug. "Hey."
"What took ya so long?" She murmured as they pulled apart.
"Bastards ask a lot of questions. How long ya been waitin'?" he responded just as quietly.
"About an hour and a half. They kept you longer than anyone." She let her tone impart the suspicion she was too cautious to verbalize while the fake stormtroopers were so close.
"It's okay. I ain't worried." She heard the lie in his voice but didn't comment.
The head stormtrooper came in and made some general announcements welcoming them to the Commonwealth. For about a half hour, they listened to a sort of orientation. They were given a printout of laws and regulations, and another of a map of the part of the city they'd all be living in. After the orientation, he announced that they would now be split into their new living arrangements and then assigned jobs based on the skills they had identified during their interviews.
"We have enough housing for all. Families or persons who want to live together, please come up together when we call one of your group's names."
They waited while they called people out. Magna alone, Connie and Kelly went together, Jerry and his family, and so on. Then they called:
"Dixon, Daryl."
Daryl motioned to the kids, hoisting his bag up as he took a step forward. Suddenly, he turned when he realized that Carol was still seated.
"Ain't ya comin'?"
Carol started, surprised. "It's okay, Daryl. We talked about this. I can handle being alone now."
Daryl shifted, biting his lip slightly before signaling to the guard to give him a minute. He went over to her, leaning in a little so they could speak more privately.
"I know you can. It's not because I don't trust ya." He paused and looked a little self-conscious. "I'd just like ya to stay with me. With us. If ya want to."
He wants me to stay with them.
Like family.
Warmth rippled through her chest, and she found herself nodding, unsure of what to say as she grabbed her bag. Daryl gave her a small smile as he grabbed R.J.'s hand. Despite her age, Judith was good at reading situations and reached out a hand to Carol, and the group headed over together to the rather impatient looking guard.
The guards checked off their names and led them out. As they were given to a new guard to be led to their new living quarters, Daryl and Carol were each handed a paper with their job assignments.
Daryl was surprised to find out that he was being invited to apply to the peacekeepers. He laughed when Carol saw she was going to be working at a bakery.
"You and your damn cookies." He teased.
"Oh, shut up. I can't wait to see you in that armor." Carol responded before loudly humming the Imperial March at him, earning her a dirty look from their guard. Daryl laughed, knocking her shoulder with his own.
"Stop."
LINELINE
Epilogue
Carol took a deep shuddering breath as she traced over the letters on her thigh: R.
She pressed gently over the raised pink of the keloid scars. The marks were raised and thick. She felt odd feeling them. A mix of fascination and disgust. After a few moments she turned her attention to her other scars. The other words. MONSTER was the only one that had scarred that ugly. The rest of the words were smooth, most pale and thin, a few pinkish and a little wider. When she ran her fingers across them, she could barely feel most of them. When she was wearing pants, it made it easy to pretend they weren't there.
She slid her hand lower to trace over the newest addition to her skin. It had been 28 days since she last cut. The wounds were now fully healed and scarred over the marks on her inner thigh just slightly darker than the rest showing they were fresher.
It hadn't been a decision she'd planned on. They'd been in the Commonwealth for almost two months. She kept track of her days in a journal she'd bought from Princess at the bookstore. Her last relapse had come after a visit with Ezekiel. It had been a mix of the look in her ex-husband's eyes when he'd found out Carol was living with Daryl, and the discussion about his health, which, despite how he tried to hide it, was getting worse, that created such guilt in her she'd felt like she couldn't breathe.
She'd gone home while the kids were still in school and cut SEL- into her thigh with a utility knife. It would have said SELFISH but after the first three letters, she'd realized she didn't need to finish the word. She hadn't even tried to hide it from Daryl, guiltily telling him as soon as the kids were asleep.
Daryl had been furious and had left for the rest of the night, gone over to stay with Rosita and Gabriel. It had taken everything within her not to cut more while he was gone. She'd ended up biting her lip raw and crying herself to sleep, not even attempting to control her dark thoughts.
He came back early in the morning, before the kids were awake, full of contrition and apologies. She was so relieved he came back that she hadn't let him get far before sobbing her own apologies at him. She had been so worried that all of the trust she had built up with him over the past six weeks was ruined in one day. But that had not been the case.
Instead, he had taken a sick day from work, and they'd spent the time the kids were at school talking about what had happened with Ezekiel. Daryl had suggested that Carol talk to a doctor about the cutting but even with her guilt she had steadfastly refused. As much as she could be open with Daryl, she was terrified of anyone else finding out about her dirty little secret. Despite how much of a trainwreck Carol felt like sometimes, she was proud of the fact that Judith and R.J. had no idea. She wanted to keep it that way, but some days were harder than others.
There were still hard days. Still days that she'd stand under the shower with the water freezing until she couldn't stand the shivering, days that she'd stare at the knives for too long, days when she'd trace new letters into her thighs with her fingers and ponder if it'd be worth it to just let herself go. But even when Daryl didn't feel like enough the thought of the kids finding out helped stop her.
They both had responsibilities, they balanced their jobs, taking care of the kids and getting them to school, errands, friends. But on days she would say, "Arms" Daryl would find a way to get some extra time alone with her so she could talk, keep a closer eye on her when he could. It wasn't perfect, but it was helping.
Carol finished looking at her legs and with a sigh she stood and pulled up her pants. As she did a folded piece of paper slipped from her pocket. She picked it up and stared at it for a moment. She'd been holding onto the paper for a few days but still couldn't bring herself to follow through. After a few seconds she shook her head and shoved the paper back in her pocket.
L I N E
Carol could never put her finger on what it happened but at some point a line had been crossed in her relationship with Daryl. The apartment they lived in was a two-bedroom. The couch was a pull out but somehow there was never a need for a conversation. It just seemed decided that they'd share the master bed. After a few weeks, Carol mentioned that they should start saving up to get a three-bedroom apartment. Daryl had seemed oddly put out about the conversation until Carol clarified that she felt Judith would be too old to share a room with R.J. in a year or two.
The kids never questioned Daryl and Carol's relationship. Honestly, no one else did either. Carol didn't think about it too often. She knew Daryl and her had passed the territory of "best friends" at some point, but they weren't 'dating' either. It was a strange but comfortable gray area. Sometimes she'd kiss Daryl. Usually, it was on the cheek but sometimes she'd give him a quick, chaste kiss on the lips. These kisses were generally before they left for work or before falling asleep, and he accepted the gesture good naturedly. Every once in a while, he'd kiss her usually on the cheek or temple but twice he'd kissed her on the mouth swiftly and somewhat awkwardly. Carol hadn't minded. Sometimes Daryl would wrap her up in his strong arms when they'd talk about their days, watching the kids play board games or during late night conversations. But neither of them put any pressure for there to be more. She loved him. More than she'd ever loved anyone perhaps. The dark little voice in her head liked to explain away his feelings for her as obligation or pity but when she was clearheaded, she knew he loved her too. In what way didn't really matter right now she supposed. She figured there really wasn't a need for more right now.
It was Sunday, a day both of them regularly had off work. She was taking the laundry down to the laundromat, and Daryl was helping her bundle it up. He came back from the bathroom with some clothes in one arm, a piece of folded paper in the other.
"What's this?" he asked, handing it to her.
Carol felt a small stab of cold as she recognized the flyer she had been carrying for a couple weeks now. She had picked up from the hospital the last time she'd been there checking on Ezekiel's treatment.
"Oh, that's nothing. Just something I was kind of thinking about." She answered, going to take it from him.
He opened it but she could tell he'd already read it.
"Therapy?"
She bit her lip, going to push the clothes he'd gathered into her laundry bag.
"Yeah. It's stupid. I just saw the flyer last time I was at the hospital and grabbed it on a whim."
She turned her head up when she felt his hand gently slide under her chin. "It ain't stupid."
She looked up into his earnest eyes with some surprise that he wasn't scoffing at her. "Yeah. It is. I don't know why I grabbed it."
"Yeah, ya do."
She felt her defenses beginning to fly up in a way they hadn't in a long time. "You think I'm crazy huh?"
"Stop that. Ya already know I don't." he scolded having no patience for her shit.
She stepped away. "I don't know if it'd actually help."
He shrugged with a reassuring look. "Maybe not. I know it's not something either of us would've done before." He paused. "But it could be worth a shot."
She hesitated before brushing him off. "Nah, it was stupid to grab it. I don't need to go wasting money on whining on a couch to some stranger with a clipboard."
He stepped closer to her, gently placing the paper back in her hand. "It's up ta you. Your decision. But I think you grabbed it for a reason. I think part of ya thinks it could help."
She chewed her lip for a moment. "Ya think it could?"
He shrugged again. "Motherfuckers can't be makin' that much money if it was all bullshit. If ya hate it, don't go back."
She smiled a little then. "That's actually a good point…Okay. I'll try it."
He leaned in, kissing her cheek like he was proud of her. She flushed, shrugging him off again.
"Come on and help me lug these down to the laundromat. I'll go make an appointment tomorrow."
Please let me know what you think of the end. I wanted to demonstrate their love for each other but anything sexual in a fic of this nature just didn't feel right. I ended up leaving them in a middle ground. It's up to my readers to interpret if that will be how they stay or if they eventually become romantically together.
I briefly entertained the idea of a sequel; an experiment in style where every scene takes place at Carol's therapy sessions as she relays her life and her and Daryl's relationship to her therapist. I have one chapter started where she discusses issues with feeling sexually unattractive to Daryl because of her scars and tries working through that… I really don't think I'm going to continue it but it's an interesting thought maybe. It may be too close to me as I am both a therapist who has worked with persons who have engaged in self-injury, and I am also someone who has worked on my own depression and self-injury in therapy. Eh I dunno.
Okay everyone. That's the end. Thank you for taking this voyage with me and for all of the lovely feedback. P.S. The last two episodes of TWD have made me realize two things. 1. Daryl definitely has a crush on Connie. At this point, I'm cool with it. Connie is a good character. They were never going to let Caryl happen anyways, those ageist bastards (Melissa is seriously only 3 years older than Norman!) 2. Carol is in love with Daryl. Like, they have always loved each other but now it's pretty clear that Carol is actually in love with Daryl. I think that, like us, she has made peace with the fact that it's never going to happen, and she just wants him to be happy. Anyone agree with my thoughts?
Daryl felt his face scrunch as sunlight shown against his closed eyes. He threw an arm over his head for a moment before realizing that it must be morning. He'd stayed longer than he'd meant to with Connie, and knew he was going to be dragging today, but he never liked to sleep in late. There was always too much to do. He could hear some soft clanging noises coming from the kitchen and could tell that Carol was up. Then he realized that he could smell food cooking and that was enough to motivate him to open his eyes and sit up. Dog was gone but came padding back over to him when she heard him. He gave her a gentle ear scratch before stretching with a yawn.
He wondered vaguely how Carol had slept. He had found her with a book still open on her chest and wasn't sure how long she'd been asleep before he came home. Although the bed had been mightily inviting, she had looked so peaceful that he'd chosen to go to the couch so that he wouldn't wake her up.
He was still very worried about her, but she seemed to be doing better. At least he hoped. He knew that she was a master at hiding things from him…from everyone actually. And that secretiveness scared him to a certain extent. But the last time that she had hurt herself she had not waited long to tell him, and that gave him hope.
Prying himself from his thoughts, he got up and headed out to the kitchen. Carol was standing over the stove, stirring a pot. Daryl watched her cook for a few seconds before announcing his presence.
"Mornin'."
She turned then and gave him a weak smile that caused a pang of worry in him. "Morning." She responded. "Want breakfast?"
He nodded, wondering why she seemed off. "How'd ya sleep?" he asked cautiously.
She lifted a shoulder in response, turning back to the stove. "Fine. I started a new book but passed out before I could finish the chapter I was on." She paused. "You were out late."
"Ya. Got carried away talking. I'm gonna be tired today but I'll survive."
"We always do."
There was something wrong. He could feel it. But he didn't know how to ask without putting her on edge.
She scraped some food onto two plates and turned off the stove. She brought both plates out and placed one in front of him. His mouth practically watered at the plate of mashed potatoes and rabbit. Not exactly breakfast food but fuck, any kind of hot meal was a luxury anymore.
"Why are the potatoes gray?" he teased lightly, already digging into his plate and finding the color did not express the flavor. Fuck, gray, black, green, he'd eat this in any color.
"Coltsfoot ash. I can't stand potatoes without salt." She answered simply, beginning to eat her own plate. He glanced up at her and noticed with a frown that her own serving was much smaller than his.
"How aint ya hungry? This is good."
She gave him another weak smile. "Just not that hungry today."
He continued frowning as he turned back down to his plate.
This woman is never gonna make any fucking sense to me anymore. With Connie back you'd think she'd be throwing a damn party, not moping again. He puzzled it out for a few minutes in the relative silence of his meal before an idea came to him. Connie is a reminder of her guilt. She is probably just feeling bad about what she went through because of the cave.
"How ya feelin today? Any bad thoughts?" he said with a mouth full of rabbit.
"Nope. I'm feeling fine. Just happy Connie is safe and sound." She answered hollowly.
"Ya don't seem fine." He challenged her, already tiring of her bullshit.
"Stop already."
He looked up in surprise at the heat in her voice to see her glaring at him.
"I said I was fine. I'm tired of being questioned all the time." With that she grabbed her half full plate and took it back to the stove. His eyes narrowed in anger as he watched her put the rest of her food on another plate and pile it with the rest of the potatoes and rabbit from the pans.
"I'm going to see if Lydia is hungry."
"And not eat more than three bites yourself." He accused, his growing rage tinging his voice.
Her shoulders shrank a little, but she kept walking out of the house. He had half a mind to follow her and force her to explain what she was playing at, but instead he let her go.
I'm too damn tired to deal with this shit.
It was only about fifteen minutes later that his anger disappeared into worry, and he found himself heading out of the house to go find where she went.
LINE
Carol leaned up against the rail outside the house Lydia was staying at, watching the young girl demolish the food on her plate.
"This is so good." She mumbled around a mouthful of mashed potatoes. "What'd you put in these potatoes? They're gray but so good." A bit of potato slipped from her mouth as she was talking, and she pushed it back up to her mouth with a dirty finger.
Carol rolled her eyes. You can take the girl out of the wild…
"I mixed in smashed ramps and burnt coltsfoot." she answered.
"What about the rabbit?" she took a large bite of the thigh as she asked.
"Coltsfoot ash, mustard root, and peppergrass." Carol said.
"Why aren't you ever on cook duty? Nobody else cooks this good." Lydia gnawed the rest of the meat off the bone and then began licking her fingers indecently.
"You have worse table manners than Daryl." Carol teased but instantly her smile fell as she thought about the hunter.
I really was rude to him earlier. What the hell has gotten into me?
You're just proving that you don't deserve his friendship.
Lydia smiled at her sheepishly. "Sorry."
She shook her head. "I'm just teasing. What the hell do table manners matter anymore?"
Lydia sucked at a finger as she repeated her earlier question.
"I don't know, sometimes I help out, but I like to stay busy and leave the cook duty to those who need to stay around their kids inside. Besides Nabila is a really good cook."
Lydia nodded. "She is, but she only does it half the time."
"If you want, I could teach you some things about the natural herbs around here. I bet you already know more than you think from living in the woods."
"Do you think Daryl would mind if I came with you guys on your next trip out?"
If we ever do one together again.
"I'm sure he wouldn't. I'll ask him next time I see him." Carol responded easily.
Lydia gestured with her chin behind Carol. "We could ask him now. He's been standing there staring at you for a couple minutes."
Carol started in surprise and turned to see that Daryl was in fact standing just a little ways from them, looking right at her. Upon seeing Carol meet his gaze, he nodded at her and started walking up to them.
Carol felt herself flushing from worry that he would be angry with her about how she had talked to him earlier.
"Hey Daryl." Lydia greeted with a smile. "Carol and I were just talking about the way that she knows wild plants so well. You think it'd be okay if I came out with you guys on your next run so she can teach me about foraging?"
"Sure, it'd be a good thing to learn, and Carol does know a lot about what's good for medicine and eating." He answered.
Lydia grinned. "Great! I can't wait."
Daryl looked at Carol then. "Hey, we need to talk."
This is it. This is when he tells me I'm too much trouble to keep trying to fix me. Too much of an ungrateful bitch to stay his friend.
"Sure, but can we talk later? I was going to go see if Jerry needed help harvesting the new crop; it should be about ready." She said, standing up and turning to make a hasty escape.
Daryl shook his head, getting closer to her and ignoring the curious look from Lydia. "Nah can't really wait. Lyd, can you go inside for a minute?" he asked without taking his eyes off Carol's face.
Carol watched as Lydia nodded behind Daryl's back and quickly slipped into her house. Once she heard the door click shut, Carol maneuvered herself away from the rail and Daryl, moving to sit on the stairs a couple feet farther away. Daryl frowned at the motion but didn't follow her, turning to lean against the railing himself.
"I'm sorry for how I talked to you earlier." Carol said softly as she stared ahead and resolutely away from him.
"it's alright. I know I've probably been smotherin' ya."
She shrugged. Yes, but it's been nice to have you seem like you care. "No. I mean, yeah, but I haven't minded much. I think I just was tired."
He came down then and sat next to her. "Look, I ain't trying ta be the inquisition here, but I don't want ya to start hidin' from me again. Ya sure that's all it is?" He paused. "Is it cause of Connie?"
She turned sharply to look at him then. "What?! No, of course not. I'm so glad she's home." She answered honestly.
"No, I mean because of what happened. I was wonderin' if ya were feelin' guilty again?"
She looked down at her feet and didn't answer.
"That's what I thought." He said. Before she could respond Daryl wrapped an arm around her frame and pulled her gently to lean against him. "She ain't mad at ya. She said so herself that she's forgiven you. Hell, she didn't even seem like she thought there was anythin' to forgive." He gripped her a little tighter. "Ya gotta forgive yourself, Carol. It's over now."
She nodded against him, enjoying the sensation of his arm around her and her face pressed into his shoulder.
"I'm trying." She lied. She pulled away to look up at him. "I'm fine though. Or I will be." He didn't let his arm fully drop and she understood she was going to have to sever this tie herself. For him. "Ya know though… I think I am doing better…"
He nodded in agreement. "Ya are."
She worried her bottom lip as she tried to figure out how to say this. "So, if you want to be spending more time with the others, I'll be okay… like the kids" and Connie "they need you more than I do. I'll be fine by myself." He was staring at her with a weird look in his eyes. "I'll still come to you if I need help." She added quickly to reassure him.
"This ain't you shutting me out right?" he asked slowly.
She laughed then, a real laugh. "As if you'd let me."
He was silent for a moment. "Judith has been asking me to take her for a shooting lesson. I can stop putting that off." he said thoughtfully.
She smiled. "Yeah, see. No need to keep babysitting me." With that Carol unraveled his arm from her and stood.
"Ya will come find me if you need me, right?" Daryl asked looking up at her with a little uncertainty in his eyes.
"Of course." Then she leaned down and pressed a chaste kiss to the corner of his mouth, because the gesture felt right. "Thank you for saving me from myself…but I think it's time I save myself now."
She stood and walked away without giving him a chance to respond.
LiNE
Carol leaned back to wipe the sweat off her brow, not caring that she was likely wiping dirt onto her face. She'd been working in the garden for a couple of hours and had gotten up when she heard a commotion from the gate. She stared over, a bit of trepidation pulling her to her feet, as she heard Jerry yell down.
"Hey we've got company."
Before she realized what she was doing she found herself heading over to the wall. She saw that Maggie and Daryl had already ascended the ladder and were standing at the top, weapons pointed out at the uninvited guests hidden by the doors. She rushed over to a small gap in the wall to peer out as the two groups began to talk and she could hear weapons cock. There was a large group of what appeared to be soldiers and some wagons. The soldiers were wearing odd white armor that reminded her of those old Star Wars movies.
Where the hell did they get those?
As she watched, Eugene came running to the front and announced the group as friends.
That doesn't seem likely.
After a few tense moments, Daryl and Maggie agreed for the gates to be opened and Carol went over to stand by the ladder and waited for Daryl to come down. He didn't take his eyes off the newcomers for a moment, but he subtly jerked his head at her to stay close to him as he went to the common area.
Within a few minutes the entire community was gathered out front, Eugene walking around and promising them that they could trust these people and giving a speech about what he'd seen there. Carol and Daryl stayed in the back of the crowd, leaning up against the wall as they waited to find out what this was. Carol watched as the soldiers unloaded large amounts of fuel, food and medical supplies. While the gifts were needed, nobody ever gave something without wanting something in return. Jerry was standing not far off from her, and she leaned forwards to ask him a question.
"Hey Jer… what were those white armored guys in Star Wars called? The ones who worked for Darth Vader?"
He kept his eyes forward, but she could hear him softly snort with laughter.
"Stormtroopers. And yeah, that is exactly what these dudes look like."
She chuckled softly herself, mostly out of an attempt to loosen her nerves, and Daryl cast her a sideways curious look.
"Nothing." She murmured as she went back to waiting patiently.
A man in a smart suit walked out and introduced himself as Lance Hornsby. Although what he was saying sounded very nice and pleasant, Carol couldn't help thinking:
Snake.
After his speech was finished, Hornsby announced that he would give them the night to think about it and then anyone who wanted to go to this Commonwealth place was welcome to go with them in the morning. As the group dissipated, Carol looked over at Daryl who met her eyes with his own uncertainty.
"Let's go talk." she said softly. They went to pick up Judith and R.J., who were excitedly looking at the food out of the supplies brought to them. Carol was astonished to see they had not only grains and fresh fruit and vegetables but also baked goods. The kids were staring at the delectable looking sweets, but Judith was holding them back.
Carol bit her lip but, with a quick look to check with Daryl, nodded at Judith to go ahead and the kids waited no longer to each grab whichever pastry had caught their eye. Judith slowly grabbed a donut and went to hand it to her brother, but the young boy had already grabbed and began devouring a colorfully frosted cupcake.
"Hey both of you, grab a piece of fruit too or you'll get a bellyache." Daryl warned and Carol couldn't help but smile at his newfound parenting skills. The kids both grabbed an apple before following them back to Carol's house. Daryl had also snagged an apple before he left but Carol chose to let the rest of the crowd get their picks for now. She looked back in amusement as Hershel and Gracie were stuffing their faces with chocolate chip cookies as their parents looked on warily.
They went over to her house and sat down at the table. Daryl asked the kids to sit in the living room, having not wanted to leave them unattended outside with the strangers there.
"So, what are you thinking?" Daryl asked as he chomped on his apple.
"Honestly, I don't know. It seems a little too good to be true." Carol answered slowly.
"It does. And I'm not all gung-ho on getting into another corrupt community. But if this is on the up and up…the kids could use this."
Carol could tell that Daryl was warring with this. "I'm with you. Whatever you decide." She said softly, placing a hand on his.
He gave her hand a quick squeeze. "Nah, I'm with you."
She smiled at him. "Okay. But let's really be sure. You and me? We survive. Always have. But we have to make sure the kids are good."
They spent the next hour talking before deciding together that whatever risk there was would be worth it. They spent the next couple hours packing, both going to help the kids pack as well. As they went around Carol found that most of their family had decided the same way as them, only a handful choosing to stay. She wasn't surprised that Maggie was among them. She didn't try to talk her into joining them, Maggie had plenty of reason to be skeptical. Hell, Carol was too but Daryl wanted a good life for the kids and where Daryl went, she would follow.
They met up with everyone that night for dinner. It was like a feast. A few of the women had put the new supplies to good use and there was plenty of food for all. People were talking with a mix of excitement and worry. Eugene and Hornsby, who they allowed to stay in one of the houses for the night, his soldiers camping out in the yards, were making their rounds sweet talking people and answering questions.
Carol and Daryl sat with a little group and didn't mix with the strangers. Carol was happy to find out that Connie, Kelly, Jerry, and Nabila were planning on going as well. Kelly and Jerry were probably her closest friends now, aside from Daryl of course. Lydia planned to stay, and Carol was really going to miss the teen, but Negan was also staying thankfully. She knew he would look after Lyd.
The kids kept wanting to hover around the stormtroopers out of curiosity, but Daryl warned them away with a look. Despite their decision being made, he was not taking any chances trusting anyone too soon.
Carol chose to enjoy her time with the ones choosing to stay behind while she could. She felt that they would be fine, but it was possible it would be a long time before they'd all be together again. After the dark covered up the sky, she and Daryl went to turn in. Judith and R.J. had gone to stay the night with Maggie and Hershel; Grace had gone over, too. It would be the last night all the kids would be together, so Daryl had been unable to say no.
She was surprised Daryl followed her to her house. Despite feeling exhausted, Carol found that she was not sleepy. She instead wandered around the house and repeatedly checked that she had packed everything that she needed. They had tried to stay limited to one bag each. Daryl hadn't struggled with that. The kids either, really, but she had insisted that they take another duffel of books, toys, and some mementos from their parents. It wasn't much, but she knew how much what they had accumulated in their young lives likely meant to the young ones.
She hadn't had much of a problem grabbing her essentials and filling her bag. There wasn't much she put stock in for material things, but she had a shirt that was Henry's that she kept and the ring Ezekiel had given her that she kept in her dresser. Everything she had of Sophia's had been lost when they'd been forced to run from the farm so long ago. She was wondering what she felt like she was forgetting when she realized and went over to where Daryl was sitting on the couch, petting Dog.
"Can I have my knife back?" she asked softly.
He looked up at her. "Don't think that's a good idea."
"Well, I don't think it's a good idea for me to go to a new place without protection." She challenged.
Daryl was silent for a long moment then he turned serious eyes up to her. "No more words?" It was a question, but it didn't sound like one.
Carol nodded. "No more words." Shouldn't make promises you may not be able to keep. Shut up.
"Fine. Ya right, ya should have a knife on you." He got up then and went to his bag, retrieving her tanto. He held onto it for another moment before flipping it in his hand and offering her the knuckle guard to take. She grabbed the knife and quickly stuffed it into her duffel.
"Ya gonna keep pacing the house all night or ya gonna come to bed?"
She turned to find Daryl directly behind her, half teasing and half chastising.
"I don't know if I'll be able to sleep." she admitted.
He walked away from her down the hall to her bedroom. "Come try at least." He threw over his shoulder as he went into her room.
Carol sighed and followed him, going to the bathroom to change into one of the pairs of pajamas she wasn't bringing with her. She was leaving a lot behind, but she knew it was wiser to pack light. Daryl was already in bed when she came out. He looked as wide awake as she felt but she knew he was right, and they should both get some sleep. That just left another issue to deal with.
"You really don't have to keep staying here with me. Told you that I was fine by myself now."
He sat up to look at her. "Do ya not want me here?"
She bit her lip. "Didn't say that."
"Then what's the problem?"
"I don't want you to feel obligated... I'm not your burden."
He scoffed at her and laid back down. "Ya ain't a burden. Now shut up and come to bed, will ya?"
I just do not get him.
She climbed into bed and stretched out with a yawn. She lay there for several minutes before turning on her side and looking at Daryl.
"Ya sure about this Commonwealth?"
He snorted. "Nope…but yes."
He turned on his side to look back at her. "Ya still in?"
"Of course I am."
"Okay. Sleep. We'll figure everything else out tomorrow."
Carol nodded and turned back over to try to settle to sleep.
L I N E
Carol drummed her fingers on the table as she waited. The stormtrooper looking guards were barely paying her any attention and she was beginning to go a little mad from boredom. She wasn't sure where the rest of her group was. It was her understanding that everyone who wanted in was getting in. Part of the implications in their verbal agreement with the man they'd spoken with.
Despite this, she had still presented her housewife persona to a certain degree. Unlike before, she hadn't completely hidden her skills with a gun and taking out walkers. At this point, she figured it would be unrealistic for her to be a helpless, innocent homemaker and still be around. But she'd definitely downplayed it. It hadn't mattered much; they'd seemed more focused on her life before the fall. Maybe she'd gone first, or maybe she just wasn't that interesting, but either way she was done first.
After several more minutes of waiting in silence, Nabila was escorted in with her kids. Carol sighed in relief, happy to no longer be alone. The other woman immediately came and sat with Carol. They spoke quietly for a few minutes when the door opened and Magna walked in.
This continued over the next hour, the room slowly filling up with their group. Carol stayed at her table, talking with Jerry and Nabila as she kept anxiously glancing at the door. At this point, there were only three people missing: Daryl and the kids. Rosita had been the last to walk in, but she shook her head when Carol quietly asked if she had seen the hunter.
Carol was chewing her lip, allowing herself to focus on the minor sting to keep her mind off her missing friend. Finally, she heard the door scrape open and she whipped her head around to see Daryl walking in, Judith half a step in front of him and R.J. holding his hand. She immediately stood without meaning to, and he zeroed in on her, leading the kids straight to the table she was at.
Without any hesitation, he gave her a quick hug. "Hey."
"What took ya so long?" she murmured as they pulled apart.
"Bastards ask a lot of questions. How long ya been waitin'?" he responded just as quietly.
"About an hour and a half. They kept you longer than anyone." She let her tone impart the suspicion she was too cautious to verbalize while the fake stormtroopers were so close.
"It's okay. I ain't worried." She heard the lie in his voice but didn't comment.
The head stormtrooper came in and made some general announcements welcoming them to the Commonwealth. For about a half hour, they listened to a sort of orientation. They were given a printout of laws and regulations, and another of a map of the part of the city they'd all be living in. After the orientation, he announced that they would now be split into their new living arrangements and then assigned jobs based on the skills they had identified during their interviews.
"We have enough housing for all. Families or persons who want to live together, please come up together when we call one of your group's names."
They waited while they called people out. Magna alone, Connie and Kelly went together, Jerry and his family, and so on. Then they called:
"Dixon, Daryl."
Daryl motioned to the kids, hoisting his bag up as he took a few steps forward. Suddenly, he turned when he realized that Carol was still seated.
"Ain't ya comin'?"
Carol started, surprised. "It's okay, Daryl. We talked about this. I can handle being alone now."
Daryl shifted, biting his lip slightly before signaling to the guard to give him a minute. He went over to her, leaning in a little so they could speak more privately.
"I know you can. It's not because I don't trust ya." He paused and looked a little self-conscious. "I'd just like ya to stay with me. With us. If ya want to."
He wants me to stay with them.
Like family.
Warmth rippled through her chest, and she found herself nodding, unsure of what to say as she grabbed her bag. Daryl gave her a small smile as he grabbed R.J.'s hand. Despite her age, Judith was good at reading situations and reached out a hand to Carol, and the group headed over together to the rather impatient looking guard.
The guards checked off their names and led them out. As they were given to a new guard to be led to their new living quarters, Daryl and Carol were each handed a paper with their job assignments.
Daryl was surprised to find out that he was being invited to apply to the peacekeepers. He laughed when Carol saw she was going to be working at a bakery.
"You and your damn cookies." He teased.
"Oh, shut up. I can't wait to see you in that armor." Carol responded before loudly humming the Imperial March at him, earning her a dirty look from their guard. Daryl laughed, knocking her shoulder with his own.
"Stop."
The End.
LINELINE
~EPILOGUE~
Carol took a deep shuddering breath as she traced over the letters on her thigh: R.
She pressed gently over the raised pink of the keloid scars. The marks were raised and thick. She felt odd feeling them. A mix of fascination and disgust. After a few moments she turned her attention to her other scars. The other words. MONSTER was the only one that had scarred that ugly. The rest of the words were smooth, most pale and thin, a few pinkish and a little wider. When she ran her fingers across them, she could barely feel most of them. When she was wearing pants, it made it easy to pretend they weren't there.
She slid her hand lower to trace over the newest addition to her skin. It had been 28 days since she last cut. The wounds were now fully healed and scarred over, the marks on her inner thigh just slightly darker than the rest, showing they were fresher.
It hadn't been a decision she'd planned on. They'd been in the Commonwealth for almost two months. She kept track of her days in a journal she'd bought from Princess at the bookstore. Her last relapse had come after a visit with Ezekiel. It had been a mixture of the look in her ex-husband's eyes when he'd found out Carol was living with Daryl, and the discussion about his health, which, despite how he tried to hide it, was getting worse, that created such guilt in her she'd felt like she couldn't breathe.
She'd gone home while the kids were still in school and cut SEL- into her thigh with a utility knife. It would have said SELFISH but after the first three letters, she'd realized she didn't need to finish the word. She hadn't even tried to hide it from Daryl, guiltily telling him as soon as the kids were asleep.
Daryl had been furious and had left for the rest of the night, gone over to stay with Rosita and Gabriel. It had taken everything within her not to cut more while he was gone. She'd ended up biting her lip raw and crying herself to sleep, not even attempting to control her dark thoughts.
He came back early in the morning, before the kids were awake, full of contrition and apologies. She was so relieved he came back at all that she hadn't let him get far before sobbing her own apologies at him. She had been so worried that all of the trust she had built up with him over the past six weeks was ruined in one day. But that had not been the case.
Instead, he had taken a sick day from work, and they'd spent the time the kids were at school talking about what had happened with Ezekiel. Daryl had suggested that Carol talk to a doctor about the cutting but, even with her guilt, she had steadfastly refused. As much as she could be open with Daryl, she was terrified of anyone else finding out about her dirty little secret. Despite how much of a trainwreck Carol felt like sometimes, she was proud of the fact that Judith and R.J. had no idea. She wanted to keep it that way, but some days were harder than others.
Some days were just plain hard. There were still days that she'd stand under the shower with the water freezing until she couldn't stand the shivering, days that she'd stare at the knives for too long, days when she'd trace new letters into her thighs with her fingers and ponder if it'd be worth it to just let herself go. But even when Daryl didn't feel like enough, the thought of the kids finding out helped stop her.
They both had responsibilities. They balanced their jobs, taking care of the kids and getting them to school, errands, friends. But on days she would say, "Arms" Daryl would find a way to get some extra time alone with her so she could talk, keep a closer eye on her when he could. It wasn't perfect, but it was helping.
Carol finished looking at her legs and, with a sigh, she stood and pulled up her pants. As she did a folded piece of paper slipped from her pocket. She picked it up and stared at it for a moment. She'd been holding onto the paper for a few days but still couldn't bring herself to follow through. After a few seconds she shook her head and shoved the paper back in her pocket.
L I N E
Carol could never put her finger on when it happened but at some point a line had been crossed in her relationship with Daryl. The apartment they lived in was a two-bedroom. The couch was a pull out but somehow there was never a need for a conversation. It just seemed decided that they'd share the master bed. After a few weeks, Carol mentioned that they should start saving up to get a three-bedroom apartment. Daryl had seemed oddly put out about the conversation until Carol clarified that she felt Judith would be too old to share a room with R.J. in a year or two.
The kids never questioned Daryl and Carol's relationship. Honestly, no one else did either. Carol didn't think about it too often. She knew Daryl and her had passed the territory of "best friends" at some point, but they weren't 'dating' either. It was a strange but comfortable gray area. Almost every day she'd kiss Daryl. Mostly, it was on the cheek but sometimes she'd give him a quick, chaste kiss on the lips. These kisses were generally before they left for work or before falling asleep, and he accepted the gesture good naturedly. Every once in a big while, he'd kiss her. It was usually on the cheek or temple but twice he'd kissed her on the mouth, swiftly and somewhat awkwardly. Carol hadn't minded.
Sometimes Daryl would wrap her up in his strong arms when they'd talk about their days, watching the kids play board games or during late night conversations. But neither of them put any pressure for there to be more. She loved him. More than she'd ever loved anyone perhaps. The dark little voice in her head liked to explain away his feelings for her as obligation or pity but when she was clearheaded, she knew he loved her too. In what way didn't really matter right now, she supposed. They were family: he was her person and she was his and that's what counted.
It was Sunday, a day both of them regularly had off work. She was taking the laundry down to the laundromat, and Daryl was helping her bundle it up. He came back from the bathroom with some clothes in one arm, a piece of folded paper in the other.
"What's this?" he asked, holding it up.
Carol felt a small stab of cold as she recognized the flyer she had been carrying for a couple weeks now. She had picked up from the hospital the last time she'd been there checking on Ezekiel's treatment.
"Oh, that's nothing. Just something I was kind of thinking about." She answered, going to take it from him.
He opened it but she could tell he'd already read it.
"Therapy?" There was no judgment in his voice but she was too on edge to realize it.
She bit her lip, going to push the clothes he'd gathered into her laundry bag.
"Yeah. It's stupid. I just saw the flyer last time I was at the hospital and grabbed it on a whim."
She turned her head up when she felt his hand gently slide under her chin. "It ain't stupid."
She looked up into his earnest eyes with some surprise that he wasn't scoffing at her. "Yeah. It is. I don't know why I grabbed it."
"Yeah, ya do."
She felt her defenses beginning to fly up in a way they hadn't in a long time. "You think I'm still crazy, huh?"
"Stop that. Ya already know I don't. I never did." he scolded having no patience for her shit.
She stepped away. "I don't know if it'd actually help."
He shrugged with a reassuring look. "Maybe not. I know it's not something either of us would've done before." He paused. "But it could be worth a shot."
She hesitated before brushing him off. "Nah, it was stupid to grab it. I don't need to go wasting money on whining on a couch to some stranger with a clipboard."
He stepped closer to her, gently placing the paper in her hand. "It's up ta you. Your decision. But I think you grabbed it for a reason. I think part of ya thinks it could help."
She chewed her lip for a moment. "Ya think it could?"
He shrugged again. "Motherfuckers can't be makin' that much money if it was all bullshit. If ya hate it, don't go back."
She smiled a little then. "That's actually a good point…Okay. I'll try it."
He leaned in, kissing her cheek like he was proud of her. She flushed, shrugging him off again.
"Come on and help me lug these down to the laundromat... I'll go make an appointment tomorrow."
LiNELiNELiNE
That's it ya'll. That's the end. i have thrown around the idea for a sequel but not sure yet. We'll see i suppose. Reviews appreciated.
Much Love - Di
