AN: Thanks so much for your continued comments. These next couple chapters may not have as much action and happenings as other chapters have...but I feel it's necessary, so bear with me! I'm almost finished with this one, so I'm excited to see what you all think of the end, and I hope it doesn't dissappoint.
Chapter 23
Several weeks had passed since the two remaining Bennet sisters had returned to Longbourne. Kitty and Mary tried to keep themselves busy while at home, but there was still a great deal of silence. Mary tried her best to keep her nose in a book, but for some reason it wasn't the same. First she couldn't read without wanting to talk to someone, and of course, no one wanted to hear of philosophy and history. But then, it was almost as if not even she enjoyed it.
Her new distaste for books had her exceedingly puzzled, and she spent much of her time thinking about it. She began to long for Mr. Rawlins voice and company. So many times she was tempted to write him, but knew that he wouldn't wish it. After several weeks of this kind of thinking, Mary decided it was time to talk to Kitty.
"Kitty, are you busy?" Mary asked coming into the parlor.
"Just fixing a hat, nothing important, why what is it?"
"I was just wondering if you would come take a walk with me. I have something I wish to speak to you about."
"Oh, yes of course, let me just put this away." Kitty smiled.
Mary waited patiently as her sister gathered her things and put them away. She didn't know exactly how to bring up what she wanted to. The whole situation was so awkward, Mary was embarrassed even to think about it. They walked in silence for a couple of minutes until Mary could contain it no longer.
"Kitty, have you ever wanted a persons company?"
Kitty looked at her sister completely dumbfounded. "Of course Mary, you know I hate to be alone."
"No, that's not what I mean." she was flustered and was lost for words for the first time.
"What do you mean? I'm terribly confused."
"Well, I mean a specific person."
"Like a friend?"
"I suppose a friend. Like when you are sitting in the silence and all you want is to speak to this one person. But the person never changes, you always want to see and talk to the same person. Do you know what I mean now?"
"Yes, I think I do." Kitty said slowly.
"So, have you ever felt like that about anyone?"
"Yes, Mr. Cadogan."
"No one else? Haven't you ever felt that way about Georgiana or Mariah Lucas?" Mary asked hopefully.
"I mean of course I have wanted to speak with Georgiana about certain things, but I don't long for her company the way I long for Mr. Cadogan. I don't think of her all the time like I think of him."
"Oh yes, I understand what your saying."
"So, that answers your question then?"
"Yes, I believe it does."
"Well, that was easy." Kitty smiled.
"Actually, I am sorry, one more question. Have you ever felt this longing for any of the other men you've formed attachments to?"
"No, never. The only other person I ever really wanted to spend time with like that was Lydia. Right after she was married, I missed her terribly, but even those feelings were not as strong as the ones I feel for Cadogan. I wish for his company every hour of every day."
"Oh really."
"Why do you ask?" Kitty pried.
"Oh, um, no reason, just curious." Mary said shyly, trying to hid her embarrassment.
"Yes, of course. Well, since we are out here, how are you doing? With being at home and all it brings with it."
"I do hate the silence. I miss the business of London. But it is the same at the end of every summer. I am fine. How are you doing?" Mary lied.
"Sad, I can't seem to get rid of the feeling. I suppose that is not so bad though, I mean I've realized that the man I love will never love me. That should make me sad should it not?"
"Yes, that is a good point." Mary said distractedly. "I think I'm going to go sit on the swing. I need to think about some things. Thank you for coming out with me."
"You are quite welcome. How long do you think you will be?"
"I am not sure, I just need to be alone to think for a while."
"Mary, you think all the time." Kitty laughed.
"I suppose your right, but this time, it's different."
"Well, if you need to talk, you know where to find me. And I'll come and get you once supper is ready."
"Thank you Kitty."
Mary settled herself on the nearby swing as she watched her sister enter the house. She was thankful that they had gotten closer in the past years. But then her thoughts moved to what was really troubling her. She had hoped that Kitty would say that she had longed for Georgiana's company. That would have been a much easier way to explain her feelings, but it would not have been the truth. Deep inside, she knew that what Kitty said was right.
She had never felt this kind of longing before. Whenever she sat in silence, she wished for Mr. Rawlins to walk through the door. No matter how hard she tried, she couldn't manage to forget him, his voice, his smile, even his awkward questions. Despite her unwillingness to open up to him, he was always more then kind to her. She still remembered the book he gave to her as a gift, the first thing a man had ever gotten her.
The silence had become unbearable and she knew she couldn't live in silence forever. She needed someone, that she could talk to about her interests and would always want to listen. She needed someone that she could share her feelings with, and that was Mr. Rawlins. After thinking for quite some time, Mary came to the realization that she was in fact in love with Mr. Rawlins. It wasn't a romantic, life altering kind of love, but a longing. She longed for his companionship, his thoughts, and most of all, to be close to him. In the course of her realization, she wished that she had accepted Mr. Rawlins proposal. Not just because she didn't want to live in silence forever, but because she didn't want to live without him forever.
Once Mary realized her own feelings, she wasn't quite sure what to do. Of course she wanted to see Mr. Rawlins, she had for three weeks, but how could she get him to forgive her. When he proposed she did not give a very gracious response, perhaps Kitty would have an idea.
Mary went inside as the sun began to go down, she knew dinner would be served any minute. Kitty was just coming to get Mary from outside and they walked to the dining room together. Mary was rather silent through dinner. She couldn't get Mr. Rawlins out of her mind, but she didn't want to tell her mother anything about him. Kitty and Mary excused themselves after dinner was finished and settled in Kitty's room.
"You know how I told you that everything was fine with me? And that my only problem was the silence that goes along with being at Longbourne?" Mary asked.
"Yes?" Kitty was puzzled by her sisters question, and could not imagine what she wanted to speak with her about for the second time in the day.
"Well, that wasn't exactly true. The truth is, since I have been home, I haven't been able to read my books. I don't even enjoy my piano the way I used to."
"Oh Mary, I'm so sorry, I had no idea you were so unhappy. Can you account for this at all?"
"Mr. Rawlins." Mary said quickly, almost predicting her sisters question.
"Why would he make you so unhappy?"
"It's his absence that makes me unhappy, I love him." It felt good to finally admit her true feelings. Despite her new self-realization, Mary knew that she had been denying her true feelings for quite some time.
"Mary! He proposed to you! When did you realize your feelings?"
"Well, I suppose I knew something was wrong when I couldn't enjoy my books. And then, all I wanted to do was hear him talk about the books with me. But after thinking about him, I realized that I wanted to hear him talk about anything at all. That was when I finally decided to ask you what I did this afternoon, I was hoping that you would tell me that you felt that way about friends, that way, I could continue thinking of him as a friend. But you didn't, and I realized that I didn't think of him as a friend either."
"It certainly did take you long enough to realize. If you do recall, I thought you were in love with him quite a long time ago." Kitty teased.
"Yes, yes I know. But I was so set in my ways about never marrying that I couldn't listen."
"So you were upset after he left and you didn't see him for the remainder of the summer?"
"Yes, when he proposed and I said no, I asked if we could still be friends, and he said no. he said he would fall more in love with me if we spent more time together. I was upset to loose his company, he was the only real friend I ever had."
"You were so happy when he was around, an entirely new person."
"I know, I did enjoy being around him, ever so much." Mary sighed.
"So you did enjoy the night of my life." mary admitted.
"Ok, so you've realized you love him, and that you don't want to life the rest of your life without him. And you know that he loves you, so what are you going to do?"
"Well, I don't know if he still loves me, it has been over two months."
"Don't be foolish Mary, of course he still loves you. Now what are you going to do to let him know that you love him?"
"That's what I wanted to ask you about."
The sisters talked about different ways that Mary could make her love known. Of course she didn't want to be forward, but he had already made his feelings known. Mary wished she could take a carriage to London, but she couldn't go alone and had no where to stay. And even if she were to go to London, she wasn't sure where to find him.
The only think they could think of was to send a letter. Mary didn't want to reveal her feelings in a letter, but she could request that he come visit and she could tell him then. Of course the problem still remained that she didn't know where to find him. But Mary had an idea, she would send the letter with a note to the bookstore in London. She would instruct the owner of the store to keep the letter and give it to Mr. Rawlins the next time he came in.
Mr. Rawlins,
I hope this letter finds you eventually and that you are in good health when it does. I thought about writing to you, but realized I had no idea where to send it, which made me thinking of the bookstore. But I suppose that doesn't matter and you are wondering why I am writing. I have a favor to ask you Mr. Rawlins. I ask that you come here to Longbourne to visit me. I know you probably despise me for rejecting you in the summer, but I beg you to come see me just one last time. Then in something I really wish to speak to you about but I feel as though I must do it in person. Please come as soon as you find the opportunity. You need not send word as to when you are coming, but you may if you'd like. I look forward to seeing you, I have greatly missed your company.
Mary Bennet
Oh, I almost forgot, I shall be at Longbourne in Hertfordshire for the remainder of the fall and winter seasons.
