Disclaimer: I take full credit for what me and my mind come up with – things such as characters, bits of exploding scenery, etc. – the rest I give due credit to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Gaston Leroux, and Susan Kay.
What Would Erik Do?Erik vs. The Mary Sue
Sitting in his parlor one day sipping tea and examining the latest medical book, Erik heard the bell go off signaling that there was an intruder by the lake.
Putting his book aside, he got up and walked to the door leading outside then stuck his head out into the darkness, fully expecting to see Nadir standing there cheerful and peppy as usual.
Instead all he encountered was darkness.
Sensing something was amiss; he quickly and silently closed the door and hurried back through the house, heading for his bedroom to gather his Phantom paraphernalia.
Just as he passed the parlor he heard a giggle coming from inside.
Alarmed, he silently pressed an eye to the keyhole.
What he saw inside brought out such a sense of foreboding that he scuttled back on all fours until he was pressed up against the wall on the opposite side of the hall.
It was blond.
And poofy.
Suddenly a song came wafting through the door and out into the hallway.
Erik, Erik, Erik, ErikErik, Erik, Erik, Erik
Erik, Erik, Erik
Errik! Errik!
He's oh so squishy and squooshy and wonderful!
I just want to hug him until he dies!
I want to loovle and cudle him and kiss him,
And tie him to my headboard and BEEP BEEP
BEEP BEEP BEEP $$$ BEEEEP!
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik
Errik! Errik!He's my prince of darkness,
He's my man!
He makes me want to do a naked can can!
I can sing,
I can dance,
But does he wear underpants?
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, ErikErrik! Errik!
I have a useful talent and it is thus,
I can light Christine's hair on fire
And throw her off the roof!
As for the fop, I can BLEEEEEEP
BLEEP BLEEP and BLEEP him
Until he sings like a trained parakeet!
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik,
Errik! Errik!
Oh merciful God! If there ever was an opportune time to strike me down, it is now.
I love all things black as night!
And I plan on filching all the Erik souvenirs I can find!
Just think, a mask for every day of the week!
And swishy velvety cape to do my haunting with!
And an Erik to come home to after my foul deeds are done
And bake cookies with and experiment with whipped cream with
Oooo! And brownie mix too!
And cherries!
And olives!
And wine bottles! Heh, Heh!
When will it stop?
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik,
Errik! Errik!
And, oh! Our children will be glorious little angels!
Who will tromp around the lair,
And throw pasta into their daddy's hair!
We'll build them little coffins and little organs too
And they'll grow up to be angsty genius musicians!
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik, Erik,
Erik, Erik, Erik,
Errik! Errik!
After that last stanza, the Phantom had had enough.
He was standing behind the petite horror, lasso at the ready.
Slowly, he lowered it down as it continued to sing.
I sense him!
He is near!
That particular smell of death is floating through the air!
I will … gack!
The lasso had dropped.
Quickly he disposed of the offending carcass, not even willing to dump it into the lake for fear of contamination.
Greatly disturbed, he walked back into the house, making sure to lock it securely behind him.
The one thing that kept bothering him over the next few days was the terrifying thought of –
How did she get in?
WINNER: Erik
LOSER: The Unfortunate Mary Sue
