Purity Black – Sanity is overrated. Once you throw it away, you get to see just how fun life can be.

Ishandahalf – No, I am not your mommy. Because if I was then that would lead to an identity crisis. And why is Mags wearing spandex so disturbing? Doesn't he already do that?

And now for the moment that everyone has been waiting for! Wanda's boyfriend revealed!

Thanks to incredibly adorable Spiffythefaery for the best damn beta job EVAH!


{Friday}

(Noon)

After sending the children off to school, and Pyro to Xavier's for the day, Magneto began to set up his plans for that evening. Having worked everything out the night before, he knew exactly what needed to be done if he was going to be able to secure the end of the relationship between Wanda and her mysterious boyfriend.

That is how he had found himself sitting across from the feral Sabertooth.

"Why am I here Magneto?" the extremely large, extremely temperamental mutant asked of his former employer.

"Once again I require your unique skills Victor," Magneto returned. Sabertooth grinned as he brought a large claw up to scratch his face.

"Oh yeah? Another job?" Magneto nodded. "Well, work's been kinda slow lately so why not?"

"Excellent. You start this evening."

"Who is the target?" Magneto raised his eyebrows ever so slightly.

"There will be no killing or maiming tonight." Sabertooth looked like someone just told him that Prohibition had been reinstituted.

"No killing? No maiming? Not even a little bit?"

"No."

"Pretty please with sugar on top?"

"No Victor." Seeing that Magneto would not budge, Sabertooth crossed his arms and began to pout.

"You never let me have any fun."

"Oh shut up. After you finish tonight you can go attack Logan for all I care."

Somewhat mollified by the promise of violence, Sabertooth abandoned his pouting. "So what do you need me to do?"

"Tonight I am having a special guest over. I want you to …"

"Scare him into submission?"

"No. I want …"

"Me to torture him until he gives you the information?"

"No. I …"

"Am going to let me put poison in his food?"

Magneto narrowed his eyes in frustration. Without a word, one of the frying pans that had been confiscated from Pyro in the morning shot across the room and slammed into Sabertooth's face, knocking him head over heels backwards out of his chair.

"If you are finished interrupting me I can let you know what you'll be doing tonight," Magneto said coolly as Sabertooth climbed back into the chair.

"Thank you. Tonight I want you to be my butler."

"Excuse me? Did I hear you right?"

"That depends. Did you hear me say that I wanted you to be my butler?"

"That's what I heard."

"Then you heard correctly."

Sabertooth growled. "But I'm not a butler."

"Tonight, you will be."

"I won't."

"Then you won't get paid."

"I don't care. I'm keeping my dignity." Magneto sighed as he reached down and placed a very large bag of Meow Mix onto his desk.

"Fine. Then I have no use for this. Are you certain you wish for me to dispose of it?" Magneto asked as he moved over to the window, clutching the bag. Sabertooth's eyes locked onto his favorite food, and preferred method of payment.

"You wouldn't dare," the feral mutant hissed.

"Try me." Magneto replied, his grip on the bag loosening. Sabertooth blinked first.

"Alright! Don't do it. I'll do what you want, just let the food go!" the large man cried as he broke down in tears. Grinning in triumph, Magneto set the bag on his desk.

"Be sure to be here, in dress benefiting your position, at four o'clock." Sabertooth nodded but made no move to stand.

"Magneto? I've got a question."

"What?"

"What does a butler do?" Sabertooth asked his eyes wide with innocence. Magneto paused. He had never considered what a butler did before. As a matter of fact, he had never met a butler in his life. But he wasn't going to let Sabertooth know that.

"Why he buttles, of course."

"Oh yeah. He buttles. I can buttle. Easiest thing in the world, buttling."

"Yes, yes. Easy enough to accomplish. I'll see you at four o'clock sharp."

"I'll be here boss," Sabertooth said as he rose to his feet. Lurching forward he grabbed the bag of food with one enormous hand and walked out the door. Magneto allowed himself a slight grin. Everything was going according to plan.


(3:00)

"So let me get this straight," Bobby Drake said as he looked across the oak desk at Magneto. Sitting beside the Iceman was Kurt Wagner, both wearing serious expressions. Whether it was because they were taking his proposal earnestly or because they were in the same room with him, Magneto could not be certain. But neither boy had balked at meeting with him, and he had to give the two troublemakers credit for that.

"You're going to pay us to make life as miserable as possible for Wanda's boyfriend?"

Magneto cocked his head slightly. "No."

"Then what?" Kurt asked.

"You're going to do it for free."

"What?" Both boys exclaimed.

"Did you honestly believe that you would be able to get any money from me?"

"Look, no money, no mischief. Capisce?" Bobby said as he leaned forward. Kurt nodded in agreement. Magneto frowned slightly.

"Very well. I didn't want matters to come to this, but you leave me little choice. I'm certain that Logan and Professor Xavier would be ecstatic to know who held a Fourth of July fireworks celebration in Cerebro."

Both boys paled considerably.

"I thought so. Now, you know who the target is?" The troublemakers nodded weakly. Magneto grinned. "I trust you will not need any orders on how to make his life miserable. But I will be sending John over this weekend to aid you in your 'quest.' Are we clear gentlemen?"

"Is there any way we can get out of this?" Bobby asked meekly. A withering glare from Magneto sent the Iceman scurrying from his seat and out the door, leaving Kurt alone with the Master of Magnetism. The two sat in awkward silence for a moment.

"So - how are the side-effects from those genetic experiments I conducted holding up?" Magneto asked.

Kurt shrugged. "Eh. Can't complain." [1]

"Oh. Well, I'm glad to hear that."

"Yeah. Um. One question."

"What?"

"We're just doing it this one time right?" Magneto shook his head.

"No. You will be doing this every, and any time, someone is dumb enough to ask my daughter out." Kurt's ears drooped slightly.

"Is there anyone you wouldn't torture?" Magneto didn't even have to think about his response, it was instinct.

"No."

"Oh. More fun for us I guess." Magneto shot a grin as Kurt stood up and began to exit the study. He stopped in the doorway.

"I have to admit, this makes you think about what Mystique would do to any of Rogue's suitors."

"Not really. She'd decapitate them."

Kurt blinked at Magneto's bluntness. "Oh. Well, that's something. I guess I should warn Remy about that."

"I think it'd be best for everyone, including Rogue, if you didn't."

Kurt paused for a moment and shrugged. "Yeah, you're probably right."

"Get going, I'll be in touch." Kurt nodded and marched out of the room. A large crash came from the lower floor of the house, signaling that the other residents had returned. Magneto waited for a few moments in silence, expecting for the Brotherhood to enter his office. He was not disappointed.

The five boys marched into his room. Todd leapt into one of the chairs. Pietro sped into another. Lance leaned against one of the bookshelves on the far wall. Fred stood behind Todd and Pyro sat down on the carpet, pulling out his lighter in the process.

Magneto sighed and Pyro's lighter slammed shut, not from the fire crazed mutants accord.

" 'Ey! What gives?"

"How many times must I tell you no fire in the house?"

"At least one more," Pyro responded as he flipped the lighter open again. Before he could even light the flame the small object was torn from his grasp, and floated into Magneto's open hand.

"No! Charlene!" Pyro cried out for his lost lighter. And lost it was. History had shown that when Magneto confiscated a lighter, it would not be returned.

"Where is Wanda?" Magneto said, with a look in Pietro's direction, doing his best to ignore Pyro's sobbing.

"She had to stay after school for tutoring. She'll be home after that," Pietro replied with a minute shrug.

"How much time does that give us?"

"Tutoring lasts an hour," Todd piped in. Perhaps more than any other member of the Brotherhood, he was the most anxious to get on with this plan.

"Good. That gives us enough time to prepare."

"Prepare for what exactly?" Lance half asked, half said. "I mean, you haven't told us the plan yet."

"I am well aware of that fact. Allow me to enlighten the lot of you."


(5:00)

Wanda pushed open the door to the house, exhausted after a long day at school. Unfortunately she knew that the night would bring even more stress. Despite what her father said, Wanda knew that he wasn't rolling over about her relationship. She knew he was going to do everything in his power to make her miserable tonight. She just didn't know what.

The first of many surprises for the night greeted her at the door. Wanda shouted and leapt into the air when Sabertooth appeared, dressed in an ugly brown coat with an orange tie complete with yellow-polka dots.

"What are you doing here?" Wanda hissed at the large mutant as soon as she recovered her ability to talk.

"Working."

"Since when do you work here?"

"Since I became your butler," Sabertooth retorted with a slight snarl.

"You? A butler?" Wanda cracked a grin in amusement.

"I happen to be a very good butler. I am the best there is at buttling," Sabertooth snorted in reply. Wanda nodded as she tried to reign in her laughter.

"Where is everyone?" Wanda said as soon as she could look at the killer mutant without cracking up, Sabertooth shrugged.

"No idea. Boss didn't say where he was going and dragged the rug-rats with him out the door. Said he'd be back for dinner though."

Wanda nodded, somewhat satisfied with what she was being told. Still, she knew her father was up to something. "Alright. So Butler, what's for dinner?"

"How the hell should I know?"

"Cause the butler is supposed to oversee the cooking. And since we don't have a chef, you're supposed to do it," Wanda replied snidely as she walked off towards her room. Sabertooth stared at her for a moment, horror worming onto his face.

"I didn't sign up to cook!"


(8:00)

Wanda glanced nervously at the clock. Dinner time was fast approaching, and neither her boyfriend nor her family were in the house. In fact, outside of Wanda and Sabertooth, who was raising hell in the kitchen, there was no one in the large home.

Pacing back and forth in the living room in a fairly elegant gown, Wanda franticly tried to figure out where everyone was. As she moved back and forth, her eyes were glued onto the clock. She was concentrating on the time so intently that she nearly leapt out of her shoes when the doorbell unexpectedly rung.

Wanda rushed over to the door, only to find that Sabertooth had beat her there. Ignoring the burns in his hair, the large man clasped the door and nearly ripped it off of its hinges. Wanda couldn't see who stood beyond the boundary of the house, but she could guess from the conversation that followed.

"What?"

"Is the lady of the house home?" Sabertooth's brow wrinkled in confusion.

"We ain't got no ladies here chump. I suggest you look elsewhere," Sabertooth replied as he began to shut the door. If Wanda wasn't so nervous she would have hexed the furry mutant to the moon for slandering her honor.

"Is Wanda here?" the mysterious visitor asked before the door could be shut in his face.

"Wanda? What's to you, runt?"

"Please go get her." Sabertooth rolled his eyes and slammed the door shut. Turning around he saw Wanda standing a few feet behind him, a nasty glare on her face. While anyone with a sane mind would be frightened of a pissed of Wanda, Sabertooth was never one to be called sane.

"Door's for you," he said as he stalked off towards the kitchen, from which smoke was billowing. Wanda glared at Sabertooth's back for a moment, fighting the temptation to hex him. Sighing to release the tension, Wanda moved over to the door and quickly opened it.

Standing on the other side of the door, wearing a large grin and holding out an enormous bouquet of flowers, was Wanda's boyfriend – Sam Guthrie.


Because I believe in giving credit where credit is due:

[1] – Borrowed from a review left by Scrawler. It was too funny not to include.

And the titles for Magneto's autobiography were invented by Spiffythefaery because she's cool.

There you go!

Bet no one was expecting that one.

Where is everyone?

What is Magneto up to?

Will Sam survive?

Send in those ideas!