Disclaimer: I take full credit for what me and my mind come up with – things such as characters, bits of exploding scenery, etc. – the rest I give due credit to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Gaston Leroux, and Susan Kay.

Erik vs. The Phangirl

Erik was walking across the stage one night, lost in his own thoughts, when suddenly, out of nowhere, a squealing, cloak-adorned mass of flesh barreled into his side. He was knocked over and the momentum from his fall almost rolled him into the orchestra pit.

Stopping right before the edge, he tried to jerk himself up so he could put some distance between him and his attacker. He found, though, that his whole body was rendered immovable by an iron grip around his waist and strategically placed acupuncture needles.

He rolled his eyes around wildly, trying to catch a glimpse of the thing that was snow snuggling into his shirt and exclaiming in a squealing fervor,

"Umm, velvety!"

"I'm in heaven!"

"Ahh! He smells sooooo good!"

And then,

"I wonder what would happen if I…"

It stuck a hand into his shirt and started feeling around.

Erik let out a muffled yelp and then tried to get out a muffled scream of outrage as he felt the hand go lower.

"Murf, murf, mumph, humph!"

"What was that, my darling?"

Its free hand snaked up and plucked a needle out of his neck.

"Get off of me THIS INSTANT or so help me, God, I will string you up by your neck from one of the statues on the roof!"

He suddenly felt it get up and walk around to his feet.

He tried to follow it with his eyes.

"Go!"

At this it paused and then a shout went up,

"MUAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!"

Following shortly after, a screech filled the auditorium,

"Dive!"

It sailed through the air and landed heavily on his chest, straddling his waist with its legs.

"Oooh! Shiny buttons!"

"What are you?"

"Damn it…do not remove that…"

Erik gasped and tried his hardest to struggle, but to no avail - the shadowy figure had learned its acupuncture techniques well.

"YOU LITTLE MINX! YOU SHALL BURN IN HELL FOR THIS!"

A ripping sound was heard.

"No! Don't you da…"

The needle was placed back.

Dear reader, it is I, Miss Hint. As much as I would like to say that Erik will escape from this situation and run free around his opera house, as all Eriks should, unfortunately, I cannot. The Phangirl has the great advantages of two books, one musical, various movies, karate, fencing, and singing lessons, fanfiction, a vast knowledge of acupuncture techniques, and an iron will that rivals Erik's own. I find that it is my duty to inform you that she was quite successful in molesting the Phantom, dragging him back to the lair, and holding him captive for over four months. What this did to him, I'm not quite sure, but I can assure you that it probably wasn't pretty. Anyhow, Erik has just escaped (I can't tell you exactly how, due to its graphic nature, but I can say that it was pulled off with two spoons and a wad of paper.) and he is running for his life.

Erik stumbled through the tunnels like a rat that has just been sniffed out by a terrier.

He stopped for a second, trying to figure out the best way to go, but then he heard, from far off in the distance, the sound of evil itself.

"Errrrikins? Where are Yoooou?"

He shuddered and scampered off further into the darkness.

Down and up, back and forth, sideways and in between he went, but the voice followed him.

He was running out of places to hide.

Soon he would either have to leave his precious opera house forever or destroy the harbinger of pain and evil.

We cannot destroy the Mistress. No we cannot.

But Erik wants to be free.

The Mistress is preciousssss. Her touch is preciousssss. We must not leave her.

But…

NO! Go back now!

Erik won't go back, no he won't! The Mistress plays trickesies on Erik. She hurts him.

Pah! After all that she has done! YOU ARE A TRAITOR!

No! No, no, no, no, no! Erik will not listen to this! Lalalalalalala…

TRAITOR!

Lalalalalalalalalalalalalalalala…

TRAITORRRRRRR!

Lalalalalala…Erik can't hear you…lalalalalalalala…

AAAAAAARRRRRGGGHHH!

Lalala…

FINE! We's will leave you alone! Hrumph! Good riddance!

Lalalalala…?

Erik looked around himself.

He was standing in a tunnel that even he couldn't remember.

It was completely black.

Musty, stale air wafted over him, the slight breeze coming from farther down the passage way.

The walls were unfinished and there were no signs that any trespassers had gone by recently.

He looked behind him.

It was a dead end.

The only things behind him were moldy and dripping slabs of stone and a portal into another dimension.

He turned back around and walked down the tunnel a few steps before he stopped.

Wait a minute.

Was that a portal into another dimension?

He hurried back.

Yes it is!

He went up to it and examined it closely.

It was black and shimmery.

There was a tag fluttering around on one side.

He snatched it up and read,

To my dear Opera Ghost,

I really don't feel like tormenting you any further. The Gollum episode above was just a little too frightening for me, even though I wrote it. I see that the Phan has not been treating you well. I think she- She! You call that thing a SHE! -has abused her rights of befriending an Erik. I am afraid that if she catches you she will do irreparable damage to your essential Phantom character. Therefore, I deem it necessary to remove her, so as to not cause any more harm.

You will find that all you have to do, when she comes, is push her in and the portal will seal itself. DO NOT GET STUCK IN THE BACKLASH! It will pull you in and you will be beyond my influence!

Good Luck,

Miss C. Hint

He reread the letter and then stuffed it into his coat pocket.

He could hear it now – it was close.

Quickly, he looked for a hiding place and found that the best and only spot was near the door, right by where it would come in.

He settled himself down and waited.

It didn't take long for the Phan to come bounding through the threshold, singing Erik songs and twirling its hand embroidered (by Erik) cape.

Erik, wasting no time, shoved it as hard as he could towards the portal.

He watched as it stumbled blindly toward the sparkling wall of doom (for a Phan, at least) and then tripped and fell right through it.

As soon as it was gone he ran as far down the tunnel as he could as fast as his legs could possibly carry him.

There was a powerful suctioning noise that started as soon as the Phan was through.

During that time the Phantom was swept off of his feet and pulled backwards towards the end of the tunnel.

Desperately, he clung to the stone floor, clawing at it in terror.

Then, suddenly, the suction cut off.

He flopped to the floor and lay there stunned.

It was gone!

It was gone!

The opera house was his to torment again!

He started to giggle.

The giggle was replaced by a laugh.

The laugh was replaced by insane chuckling.

The insane chucking was replaced by a sobbing/happy/sad/joyous/tormented/disturbed/high pitched/crow-like screech,

AAAAAAAAAAAAHAHAHAHAAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHA!

Then a chant was taken up,

I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE! I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

HA HA! I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

I'M FREE!

He got up and ran down the passageway, still chanting at the top of his lungs.

The Phantom was free to roam around his opera house once again.

Or at least until next time I send a Phangirl in.

I heard she has a cousin – a tame girl, shy, adorably cute, blond and fluffy – but she disappeared a few months ago.

Hmm – I wonder…

Ha! Ha!

It just has to be coincidence!

WINNER: The Authoress

LOSER: The Phangirl

AND ERIK: He escaped without too much mental damage. I guess you could say that he won, too.