THIS CHAPTER IS EXTREMELY RANDOM!
THE PEOPLE ARE OUT OF CHARACTER IN SOME PARTS,
A FEW SECTIONS OF THIS PROBABLY WILL NOT MAKE SENSE,
AND I WAS NOT EVEN GOING TO POST THIS IN THE FIRST PLACE, BUT IT WAS JUST SO FUNNY THAT I COULD NOT RESIST!
This has to be the longest chapter I have ever written. Eleven pages! Yay!My appearance is listed on my bio page, if you want to check.
Please remember that BONUS chapters are supposed to be a little wacky.
Oh, and this is not really edited, seeing as I was not even going to post it.
Thank you to all of my reviewers!
Erik for President- I might attempt a SpongeBob chapter soon. "Who lives in a pineapple under the sea?" has been playing over and over in my head for days now. I think my subconscious mind has been trying to give me a hint.
Disclaimer: I take full credit for what me and my mind come up with – things such as characters, bits of exploding scenery, etc. – the rest I give due credit to Andrew Lloyd Webber, Gaston Leroux, and Susan Kay.
BOUNS: Carlotta vs. the Mysterious OpponentHello dear readers and welcome to our second edition of BONUS: What Would Erik Do?
I am currently standing on the rooftop of the Opera Populaire observing our bloodthirsty, vicious opponents!
In one corner we have, straight from her dressing room and foaming at the mouth, Carlotta!
Unfortunately, our other opponent has not shown up yet, but we'll wait a few minutes to see what happens.
Carlotta is getting impatient and has pulled out a parasol…
Now she's taking out a machete and is sharpening the tip of it…
And…
What was that?
It looks as though Erik has somehow gotten onto the roof!
He's sprinting towards the ring and it looks like the Authoress is following him!
She's gaining…
AND…!
OUCH! That had to hurt!
She just tackled him to the ground!
He's saying something…
Let's get closer.
Okay – here it is –
"Let go of me you little…"
"NO! You are not supposed to be the opponent for this match!"
"Hey!"
The Phantom is trying to claw his way over to the ring.
"Do not force me to use one of my forks on you!"
"Gah! Stick me with all of the forks that you want, you little vixen! I am getting into that ring, whether you like it or not!"
He's attempting to break free by jiggling up and down and slithering back and forth!
The Authoress is clinging tightly to Erik's middle.
"Hmm…I kind of like this…"
"Must get to Carlotta!"
"Must…KILL!"
"Humph! Is that any way for a Phantom to behave? I thought that I constructed your character to be better than that!"
"KILL!…KILL!…KILL!"
"Get some class!"
She's boxing his ears…
And giving him a wet willie…
Erik is still trying his hardest to shake her off.
GASP! She's pulled a red notebook out of thin air!
"Behold! The crimson notebook of DOOM!"
"Ahahahahahahahahaha!"
The Opera Ghost is starting to look a little anxious.
She's writing something…
Oh man!
Jesus Christ!
She is inhuman!
The Phantom is now dressed in ruffly pink and white lingerie and is sporting a new crystal encrusted magenta mask!
What's this…!
He's gone into shock and is now seizuring uncontrollably!
The Authoress is laughing triumphantly…
Now she's dragging him off…
And…what is she…?
Oh my G…OKAY! I think we should get back to the match, now!
BUT WAIT…!
The ring is empty! Where did Carlotta go?
Hmm…my assistant just told me that she's left the building. Here's a note…
It seems as though she thinks we do not a-love her enough since we didn't a-give her-a the a-ten-si-ion that-a she deserved. And she is highly offended and will not be coming back.
Oh, well!
Since we don't have a match anymore today I guess that's it.
So, see ya next…
"WAIT!"
The authoress has decided to grace me with her prescence!
"I have decided in lieu of the…circumstances… that I will substitute Erik in Carlotta's place."
The Authoress has decided…
"Please stop that."
The Authoress has just asked me to…
"Shut up or you will get hurt!"
Um, sorry…wait a second… we don't have someone to pit against Erik.
"Oh yes we do…"
But…
"Humph! Just ring the bell and see."
"And you can go back to how you usually talk when I am no less then twenty feet away from you."
How about five feet?
"What is it with the annoying characters today? No, you may not. Did you see what I did to Erik over by that statue? Yes? Well do not make me do anything close to that to you."
Somehow I find that I'm shivering even though it isn't really cold up here. I wonder why?
"You bet you do."
"I am going now."
OKAY!
Erik is now in the ring and he's still wearing lingerie.
DING>
And there's the bell!
Erik is standing there eyeing the Authoress who has just climbed on top of a statue and is staring at the sky and rubbing her hands evilly.
There's nothing going on in the ring…
Wait!…
I hear music…
Is that…Be Our Guest from Beauty and the Beast?
YUP, it is.
I have a bad feeling about this, folks.
Whatever's coming was meant for Carlotta. It has to be something evil and torturous.
The music's getting louder…
AND…
A CHANDELIER HAS JUST POPPED OUT OF THIN AIR!
AND IT'S LOADED WITH SILVERWARE!
TOTINIG WEAPONS!
The glittering piece of household décor is lowering itself into the ring…
All of the appliances are jumping off and getting into battle formation…
It's dissappearing...
Erik is…
SOMEBODY HAS JUST SHOVED THE AUTHORESS OFF OF THE STATUE AND IS TAKING HER PLACE!
It's…
GERRY!
He's covered in filth, dressed in a kilt of some kind, and has war paint plastered all over his face!
He's pointing down to Erik and shouting -
"Ahahahahahahahaha! You #&!$$& imposter! You almost killed me but I am BA-AAACK! Yes, after living down in the cellars eating rats and stealing clothes from prop rooms for the last two chapters I have come to get my revenge! I have tamed the cutlery that you attacked me with and they have spawned into an army of darkness that is at my beck and call!"
Erik is desperately searching around for a weapon and the Authoress is glaring daggers at Gerry.
"I did not tell you to push me off the statue!"
"Quiet! Or I shall smite thee with my forks of darkness!"
"As if! My forks are most definitely more powerful than your forks!"
"I find that very hard to believe."
"You are just asking for it, do you know that?"
"Asking for what, exactly?"
"THAT IS IT! I AM GOING TO TAKE YOU DOWN YOU DERANGED, KILT WEARING, INSUBORDINATE CHARACTER!"
"Oh, I did not mean you Erik, dear. Please do not try to jump off the roof. I can assure you that your punishment is done for the day!"
"And you! You will rue the day you did not do all that the Authoress asked of you!"
Gerry's laughing uncontrollably -
"You are…quoting…lines from the...musical now? That is extremely pathetic!"
"ARGH!"
The Authoress is running across the roof to Erik…
She's writing something in her notebook…
WOW! A sword of fire has appeared in the Opera Ghost's hand!
"You, Phantom, are the commander of my army. Use this sword well."
The Authoress has left Erik in the ring and is climbing on top of another statue!
Now she's pointing to the sky…
"MY ARMY – TO ME!"
Oh my God! Thousands of forks have appeared out of thin air and they are flying in formation towards the ring!
The authoress is signaling to Erik…
"Commander! I swear to God, if you defeat Gerry I will never put you in lingerie, EVER again!"
It looks like the Phantom has taken heart from that little speech and is now signaling boldly for the forks to descend.
Gerry's forks have raised their various weapons and are taking aim…
AND THEY'VE FIRED!
Some of the Authoress' forks have fallen!
The rest have reached the ring and are attacking the opposing army!
THIS IS INCREDIBLE!
Cutlery is flying everywhere!
It's…WOAH! That was close - I almost got hit by an arrow!
Yikes! A cannonball just whizzed by my head!
EEP! And another!
It seems…as though…they're aiming for…me!
Yeouch! My butt! My butt is on fire!
Oh no! They've cornered me!
God, I don't wanna die!
I'm too young!
Please, have mercy!
No!
NO!
NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO…ack!
Hello! Crimson Hint here! I am sorry but it looks as if our commentator's life has been cut short by Gerry's army.
Death by pocketknife and toothpick…
That had to be painful.
But do not worry, I will bring him back to life for the next BONUS chapter, if you would like.
I have to wonder…
Where did this go wrong?
How did it get so out of hand?
This was supposed to be a Carlotta vs. chapter!
Oh, well! At least it is funny!
Now let us get back to the fight!
Forks were flying everywhere as the battle raged on. Both Gerry and the Authoress held their positions on their statues; each sending death glares in the other's direction.
Erik waded into the area where the heaviest fighting was going on and started swinging his sword around wildly, melting pieces of cutlery left and right.
Gerry's forks noticed and dog piled him.
The Authoress' troops came to the rescue just in time using a giant flame gun that the she had conjured.
The Phantom fled to another corner of the ring while both sides went at it, Gerry's side using kitchen utensils and other household (or opera…hold) items and the Authoress' side using magical weapons of mass destruction that she teleported in.
Just as it was beginning to look like World War Three had suddenly come upon the city of Paris from atop the opera house, the tide turned in the Authoress' favor.
She jumped up with a shriek, black cloak billowing about her form, and sprouted midnight black wings.
"MY FORKS – TO ME!"
They all stopped what they were doing and followed the Authoress, who had taken off and was heading straight for Gerry.
He gave a shout and dove off of his statue, falling to the rooftop with a thump right at the feet of a waiting Erik.
Before he could get out another word, the Phantom plunged his sword into his opponent's back, muttering,
"Never again, lingerie, never again, lingerie, never again, lingerie, never again, lingerie, never again."
Twitching and smoldering from Erik's sword, Gerry lay there, dead as a doornail - or a kitchen appliance. For with their leader's death they all collapsed onto the ground with a clatter, regular cutlery once more.
The Authoress landed gracefully next to Erik and said in a huff,
"I will probably never know how he enabled those forks to move like that."
She turned to the remaining forks and said,
"I CONGRAGULATE YOU ON A JOB WELL DONE!"
Pointing up to the sky again she shouted,
"FLY MY FORKS! FLY!"
As one, they all jumpedoff of the roofand zoomed into the air, disappearing a few hundred feet up.
She then sauntered up to the Phantom and put her arms around his waist.
"I thought that only I had the power to do that with the forks."
Erik looked down at her and shuddered.
Will you please refrain from touching me, mademoiselle.
"Oh, that is so cute! You are trying to get back into your "I am a block of ice" Phantom mode!"
"Mademoiselle, please!"
The Authoress stepped back looking offended.
"You know full well what I can do to you if you displease me, as in evidence by what you are wearing."
The Opera Ghost turned white and backed up a few paces.
"You would not! You evil woman! I defeated Gerry for you! The least you could do is treat me respectfully!"
"Heh, heh, heh! I remember, Phantom, that you were hiding in the corner of the ring for most of the time."
"Yes, but I killed him."
The Authoress sagged, defeated, realizing that he was correct.
"Oh, alright! No more lingerie."
She snapped her fingers and Erik was back in his usual Phantom apparel.
"But that does not mean that I cannot hug you while I am here!"
She barreled into him, knocking him backwards off the roof.
Clasping him to her body tightly, she flew around the opera house, careening wildly and giggling happily.
Through the whole flight the Phantom was shouting madly and clinging to the giddy Authoress, afraid for his life.
After about ten minutes they landed and she released Erik, who promptly scurried off, leaving her standing there, dejected and alone.
She looked over to the corpse slumped on the ground.
"Well, it is just me and you, Gerry. What should I do with you?"
Making her wings vanish, she walked over and rolled him onto his back.
She studied his painted face for a minute, thinking.
"Hmm…I do not believe that I am through with you yet."
Suddenly a maniacal gleam lit up her brown eyes and she whispered down to the body,
"No, I am definitely not through with you."
She scooped him up and headed for the door leading back inside.
"It just so happens that I am very good at bringing people back from the dead."
WINNER: The Authoress and Erik
LOSER: Gerry and his fork army of darkness
The commentator is still lying on the roof somewhere.
Oh, well.
I will just leave him there for now.
