Ishandahalf – You have no idea. None what so ever. And to be honest, neither do I sometimes.

Thanks to Spiffythefaery for the beta work.


Thursday

7:45 pm

"Where are you going?"

Pietro paused with his hand on the doorknob. "Out."

Magneto didn't even bother to look up from the book he was reading. "Don't you have a test tomorrow?"

Pietro shrugged. "Dunno."

"You've been going out quite a bit lately. I wonder, where have you been, Pietro?"

"Nowhere special."

"When you go to this place, do you go by yourself?"

"Yeah. If I wanted company I'd stay home."

Magneto's eyes flicked upward for a moment. "You used to be a much better liar."

"I'm not lying!"

"I don't care that you are. You used to be better at it."

Pietro had no chance to reply as the door was thrown open and Bobby Drake rushed in, clutching something in his hand.

"I've got proof! Undeniable proof!"

Magneto put the book down. "Are you still set on this insane conspiracy of yours?"

"It's not insane. I've got proof. There is a secret society in Bayville dedicated to the purpose of causing you pain!"

"Fine. Show this proof," Magneto said as he stood up. He cast a glance towards his son. "Don't stay out too late."


"Well?" Bobby asked smugly as he ejected the videotape.

"I suppose I might have to worry about them throwing balloon animals at me. Considering that's the most likely course of action they discussed."

"FABAM is not to be taken lightly."

"FABAM? They gave themselves a name?"

"Former Abused Boyfriends Against Magneto."1

"Catchy."

"This isn't a joke. Even Kurt joined!"

Magneto sighed. "You glue a guy's mouth shut and stick him in the penguin exhibit naked once and he turns on you. What is this world coming to?"

"They want to kill you."

"They can stand in line. I'm not afraid of acronyms! I've had more alphabet agencies after me than I can count."

"Alphabet agencies?"

"CIA, FBI, the IRS. Except they actually caught me."

"The IRS?"

"Never underestimate the power of the IRS. Especially when they believe you aren't paying taxes. And they didn't believe me when I said I wasn't an American citizen."

"You aren't? What are you, Canadian?"

Magneto cast an irritated glance at the youth. "If I had a frying pan, I hit you with it right now."

Bobby had no chance to reply as a loud noise interrupted him.

"What was that? It sounded like it came from Wanda's room."


"Wanda? Are you alright?" Magneto said as he knocked on her door.

"Fine," came a muffled reply.

"Open the door, Wanda. I want to make sure."

The door cracked open and Wanda peeked out. "I'm fine. Now go away."

She tried to slam the door shut. However, she hadn't noticed that the door was no longer on its hinges. Magneto grinned – sometimes he had too much fun with his powers. It was then that he noticed an unusual scent coming from the room.

"Is someone in there with you?"

"No."

"Just like your brother, horrible at lying. Whoever is in there better come out before I pull the iron out of their blood."

"No need to be so violent, yo."

"Todd?" Magneto looked at the amphibious mutant. Then at his daughter. Back to Todd. Then to Wanda – just for good measure.

"Please tell me I'm seeing things."

"Are you seeing Todd in my room?"

"I'm seeing Todd with your lipstick on his face. Please, for the love of God, tell me I've gone delusional."

"You've been delusional for a long time, but not on this."

"Wanda! What are you thinking?"

"I like him."

"He's disgusting."

"He's standing right here," Todd muttered.

"Shut up," father and daughter barked.

Magneto pointed a finger at Wanda. "I forbid you from doing this."

"You can't tell me who I can go out with."

"Of course I can. I'm your father. One of the perks."

"I'm going out with Todd."

Magneto narrowed his eyes to a point that anyone else would have backed down. However Wanda was not anyone else.

"We'll see."


Friday

8:00 am

Magneto looked up as Todd entered the kitchen, surprised by his arrival. Him entering the kitchen wasn't surprising. No, the surprising part was that Magneto hadn't noticed the smell of the boy before he actually arrived.

"Todd, did you bathe?"

"Wanda insisted," Todd replied. Magneto took a brief moment to consider whether or not Todd bathing was worth sacrificing his daughter.

"What's that?" Magneto exclaimed, leaping to his feet.

"What?"

"Behind you!"

Todd turned, blinding him to the frying pan in Magneto's hand. With a loud crack, the pan connected with the back of Todd's head. The amphibious mutant slumped to the floor, unconscious.


"What are you doing down here, Magneto?" Callisto asked with a vicious glare.

"Taking out the trash."

"Putting your garbage in our home? Do you think so terribly of us?"

"As I explained to ugly over there," Magneto thrust a thumb at Caliban, "I came down here to get rid of something. You need to realize that this the sewers and people put garbage in the sewers. Stop being offended every time someone actually puts garbage down here."

"Are you accusing us of being garbage?"

"This is exactly what I'm talking about. No wonder you live down here. You drive the topsiders crazy!"

"Some of us didn't have a choice," Caliban huffed.

"It's called plastic surgery. Now can I get on with my business?"

Callisto narrowed her eye. "What's in the bag?"

"Trash," Magneto replied as the bag began to moan.

"Your garbage usually moans?"

"Considering who you live with, I'd stop questioning weird events."

"Open the bag."

Grumbling, Magneto tossed the bag to the floor, revealing a disheveled Todd.

"Isn't he one of your wards?"

"Your point?"

"Why are you trying to dispose of him in the sewer?"

"No one would ever be able to smell him down here."

Callisto rolled her eye. "Just because you don't like him doesn't mean you can dump him down here."

"Why not?"

"Because it's wrong."

"No. Walking in on him making out with Wanda is wrong."

"If that's so, then shouldn't you just be dumping a corpse down here?"

Magneto shrugged. "Too much effort."

"But knocking him unconscious and dragging him down here isn't?"

"It's the principle of the thing."

"Just take him back."

"Why?"

"Because this is not a place for you to toss someone whenever Wanda has a boyfriend. Now go home."

Magneto grumbled as he left.


12:00 pm

"It's not funny Charles!"

"It's a little funny."

"I hate you."

"Look Erik, she wants to date, you can't stop that. The only way she won't date is if she chooses not to."

"And if I won't allow it?"

"Since when has Wanda ever listened to you?"

"You know something Charles. You're absolutely right. I need her to choose to stop dating and I know exactly how to do that!"


3:00 pm

"You want me to do what?"

"I want you to become a nun." 2

"But we're Jewish!"

"Pish-posh, mere technicality. Being a nun has nothing to do with religion. It's about something more, about giving yourself to a cause greater than yourself."

"It's about being celibate isn't it?"

"I don't know where you came up with that idea!"

"Can't you just try to accept that I date instead of trying to get me to become a nun?"

"Do I have to?"

"Yes."

"This isn't over."

"Yes, it is. I'm dating Todd. And don't drag him down to the sewers again. It's hard enough getting him to bathe."


6:00 pm

"This has to be the second most ingenious idea that I've ever concocted," Magneto declared.

"Second? That begs the question what is the most ingenious idea?" Xavier asked as he sipped on a brandy.

"It was the most diabolical scheme ever. It would cause so much chaos and confusion that I couldn't bear to ever implement it. Still, that one was pure genius."

"What did you have planned?"

"I can't tell you. I might actually use it one day. But back to the matter at hand, I think I've finally figure out how to deal with my rodent problem."

"You have mice?"

"I meant Todd."

"Aren't frogs amphibians?"

"Don't confuse me with the facts, Charles."

"What are you going to do?"

"I already told you."

"No, you walked in here and said 'this has to be the second most ingenious idea that I've ever concocted.'"

"Oh. Well it is. Just watch," Magneto said as he left the room.

"Keep telling yourself that one," Xavier said to his quickly vanishing brandy.


9:00 pm

Magneto stepped into the kitchen of the renowned French restaurant Café Crapaud Sur Le Feu. The ovens were blazing, food was flying, knives were slashing left and right, and standing in the middle of it was a very small, very angry chef.

"Sacreblu! What is zis mess I am in now? Are you all imbeciles?"

Magneto couldn't help but smile at the rant, accompanied by various curses in French.

"Jean Pierre, are your skills going to waste again?"

The chef blinked and looked up at Magneto. He stared for a moment before cracking a grin.

"I don't believe what I see. Magneto? In my kitchen, what an unexpected honor!"

"It has been a while, hasn't it? How is the chef business?"

"Horrible! Zese so called cooks are worthless! Destroying my recipes!"

"Indeed? Tell me, what is the house specialty?"

"Magneto, I only have one specialty. You know zat – frog legs. But zey won't let me make any. Stupid consumers."

"No one orders frog legs?"

"No, zey order them. But I can never keep ze frogs. Zey always hop away."

"You keep live frogs."

"But of course. I like to make zem fresh."

"Then, as an old friend, perhaps I can help you out," Magneto said with a wave of his hand. A metal orb crashed through the doorway and opened, depositing Todd on the floor.

"Why did we take this trip?'

"Ze frog talks. How unusual. It must be a special frog. One with exquisite taste! Come here frog," Jean Pierre said as he approached Todd with a butcher knife. Magneto chuckled as he left, listening to the sounds of the chase.


Saturday

9:00 am

"You tried to sell Todd to a French restaurant for food?"

"You know something Wanda, you never give me enough credit. I didn't try to sell Todd. I did sell him. As such, he is now property of the restaurant."

"You sold him."

"I was offered free meals for life and I got in the Guinness Book of World records too. So how was what I did wrong?"

"Why can't you leave my boyfriends alone?"

"I'm going to assume that was a rhetorical question."

Wanda sighed in frustration. "Just stop harassing me and leave my love life alone!"

"I'll stop harassing when you stop dating."

"I'll never stop."

"Sure, sure. Listen, I've got chaos and massive disorder to cause. Can we do this later?"

Wanda screeched in anger as she stormed off.


1 – An idea from UncannyAsianGirl

2 – One of Ishandahalf's nutty ideas