Episode 1. Let's get the after-the-opening credits stuff rolling! Thanks for reviewing, IllusionSign, AnonBrowser, Total Drama Izzy, OmniBIBUltraInstinctGodzilla, Ellismskd24 and lordgemini (I personally think Duncan's more on the fun side while Scott takes the dark side too far for her liking and also has a little bit of a creep factor).
Of course, the feed showed that no one was very pleased that I'd sunk their ship. Anne Maria yelled that I, well, Chris, was "getting a beatdown", Staci and Cameron nearly drowned (Staci ended up pulling Mike under and Zoey had to rescue both while Lightning happily held Cameron aloft like a trophy, declaring "I'll save you, little girl!"), and Jo was gobsmacked when she thought she'd gotten to shore first, only to find Dawn sitting on the rocks, dry and serene.
When Jo questioned her, Dawn just said "I used a shortcut." I was going to definitely lock in the theory that she was some kind of fairy, or maybe a nature sprite. Maybe even a ghost or something like that. Hopefully I'd get a chance to talk to her during the rest days. She didn't strike me as another Ezekiel, so there was hope.
While everyone was waiting for the last person to arrive, I observed what was going on, listening to conversations.
"So stoked to be here." Zoey said, looking around at everyone else. "I've been watching Total Drama for ever! Who knows, maybe I'll even make some new friends."
"Yes," Dawn said, "That would be good considering you were an only child and all."
Zoey frowned. "Who told you that?"
"Your soul reads like an open book." Dawn said, taking on a sympathetic look as she touched Zoey's hand. "You had such a lonely childhood. It must have been difficult."
Well, that was even more magical. How could she have known Zoey was an only child? I could see the girl herself wasn't pleased to hear it, so when Sam finally washed up on shore, I immediately spoke into the intercom. "Attention, new campers! Look towards the forest and you'll see a trail! Follow it to me, and we'll get this game started! Also, beware of the wildlife. If you see any, avoid them. Now go!" I had an air horn for this, but…well, okay, I might have set something off, because there was a roar. But everyone ran, anyway.
Jo arrived first, one step ahead of Lightning. "Sorry you had to lose to a girl," she said smugly.
"What girl?" Lightning said, looking around. "Lightning didn't lose, bro! Lightning never loses!" So he didn't see that Jo was a girl? I mean, she had short hair and her sweats could have hidden a man as much as a woman, but her voice and face were clearly feminine.
I took a step forward. "Lightning who hasn't struck yet, take a few steps right, you're starting Team A. And Jo, as our first winner, a couple steps to the left, you'll be Team B."
Jo was scowling. "Um, exactly where is Chris? And why are you here?"
I gave her my best scowl back and said "FYI, what Chrissy is doing is classified information because I can't legally tell you what B-list movie he's in, and I'm hosting this season. Now shut up and let me sort you guys."
Scott was the next to arrive. "Freckle central, team A." I said, pointing to Lightning. Brick came running up. "Budding general, Team B."
Brick gave a salute. "Sir, yes Sir!" Yeah, that had to be a knee-jerk reaction, otherwise he wouldn't have called me Sir.
"Just call me Toni. I know you're used to an army base, but I don't like titles. Not to mention I'm not a sir." I told him as B arrived, with Cameron clinging to him. "Quiet one, Team A. Former bubble boy, Team B." Zoey and Mike arrived, with Dawn getting so close to Mike before he noticed that he yelped. "Hipster glasses, Team B." I told Zoey.
She looked pleased and said "Most people just call them weird. I'm glad someone gets them."
"Luna Lovegood, Team A." I told Dawn, who was watching me with a strange intense look in her pale eyes. "Spiked up hair, Team B."
The last few people arrived. "Paris Hilton, Team A." I told Dakota. And to Anne Maria "Hairspray recreation, Team B." Finally, there were just Sam and Staci, the latter still burbling on about her family. "Game enthusiast, Team A. Compulsive chatterer, Team B. And I think that's all of you."
"So, you gonna tell us why we've got you instead of Chris?" Scott said. "Not that I'm complaining, of course." And he looked at me in a way I hated.
"Keep your eyes on my face," I said warningly, "And Chrissy's off working on some movie that will go straight to DVD, so you thirteen people get me instead. Chef's still around somewhere, so you'll still get the full experience of the first cast. Is there anyone who doesn't know who I am?"
A couple of the contestants nodded. Anne Maria spoke up. "I saw you on one episode my girlfriends showed me, but I don't know who you are or why you were there."
"Okay, all cool." I said, smiling. "I'm Chrissy's cousin. My name's Antonia, but everyone just calls me Toni, so you guys can too. So as you probably know, this season is only going to be about four weeks long, give or take. We'll have rest days between challenges, and I must warn you, when I'm not hosting, I'm going to be hanging with you all. But during the challenges, no favours, and nothing else. If you saw the last season, you probably know that some contestants have tried to get favours off me and hit a brick wall." It had been really disappointing when I'd discovered that was the only reason Alejandro hadn't just totally ignored me, and I was really glad I hadn't fallen for it, when I realized that he actually not only didn't want to be friends, but actively found me irritating. I knew I wasn't going to miss him being on the show at all.
"So one of the differences in this show is that there will be an elimination every episode. Or at least, an elimination ceremony, but there might be a few surprises on how they work."
A gasp went up, and Zoey spoke up. "It's never been that hard before!"
"Except in the first season, when there were a lot of people," I reminded her. "We have to keep it snappy, but we're cutting you a break." I held up a carving of Chris' face. 'This is an invincibility statue. As you know, no one knows the game better than Chrissy, so he's the symbol of safety. I'm going to hide it somewhere tonight, and if someone finds it, you can keep it until your teammates try to vote you out. You don't have to guess – you can use it after you're voted out to stay in, but it's still one use only. And now – Team names."
"Team Lightning!" Lightning immediately suggested. "No, wait – Lightning Squad!"
"Yeah, we're not naming your teams after the teammates." I said, frowning slightly. "The producers picked out the names already. Team A, you're now the Toxic Rats. And Team B, you're the Mutant Maggots." I hadn't liked the names either, but they weren't my pick.
"Um, what's with all the references to chemical waste?" asked Mike, looking anxious.
Before I could answer, a roar sounded, closer to us than the last one.
"It's the monster!" Cameron shrieked. But all that popped out was…
"Hey, it's just a stupid squirrel!" Jo exclaimed crossly.
Dakota cooed, but then the squirrel blinked with vertical eyelids, and she screamed.
"Oh my gosh, what's wrong with it?" Dawn asked immediately, looking more concerned for the squirrel than afraid of it.
I gave a sigh. "Oh, that. Yeah, Chrissy rented this place out to some biohazardous disposal waste company. Not dangerous to humans, but it did affect the wildlife. It didn't kill anything, but it does mean they will have some unpredictable features. I know, the FEDs will probably be on to Chrissy as soon as they find out where he's filming."
Dakota said she wanted one of the mutant squirrels, but then it started shooting eye lasers at her and let out another roar.
"And there will be a few mutants around during the challenges," I said, "But I think you'll be fine for the most part. Now, we have to start the first challenge, and that means rewards. Jo, since you got here first, the Mutant Maggots get a trampoline. And Toxic Rats, you get a hacksaw. And Chef should have tied your team totems to the tree a few metres away, so follow me and we'll get to your challenge!"
A very simple challenge. They just had to get their totems down and ride them to the campsite, where they had to place their one on a stump to stop it exploding, all within seven minutes. The stump they placed it on would determine their cabin – that is, the better cabin was more like a mansion for seven, and the other was a regular cabin, like from the first season. I told them all this, but assured them the bomb wouldn't hurt, then headed to the campground with Chef, where a live feed was running. Lightning was already trying to climb the tree next to his totem as I left. I had the chance to watch Lightning continue failing, while B was looking at the totem pole thoughtfully. I missed what he was doing, though.
The reason for that was because of a certain interruption. As I was watching, heavy footsteps sounded behind me. Familiar heavy footsteps. "Hey, Toni, get this! The boat wouldn't stop!"
"Oh." I turned to look at our new arrival. "Hi, Owen. Shouldn't you be on the mainland with the rest of the old cast, since someone on there would have told you you're not competing this season?"
"Oh, well, I swam back to tell you that – WHAT?!" Owen exclaimed. "Not competing?!"
"All new cast this season." I told him. "Sorry. I'd lend you a jet pack back, but we only have the one. I'd love for you to stay, but your contract expired, so you need to go straight back to the mainland." Well, I actually called the boat back for him, so that was kinder than Chris usually was.
I hadn't missed too much when I got back to watching the feed. B had been making a seesaw to get all the Rats balanced on each other so Dakota (the one at the top) could saw the rope. The Maggots had gotten their one down by provoking the squirrel's laser eyes. Seconds before the bombs were due to go off, the Rats arrived.
"Quick, grab the good cabin!" Scott instructed his team, and their totem was placed.
But alas, it wasn't meant to be. The Maggots ended up landing in the Rats' official cabin and their bomb went off.
"You'll have to use the old back-up cabin, the twin to the other one, I'm afraid." I told the Rats. "But, the good news is that your bomb didn't go off, so you won!" I turned to the other team. "I'm afraid you're already losing your numbers advantage, Mutant Maggots. I'll see you all at the campfire ceremony."
Staci, once again, started babbling about wood cabins and who apparently invented them. On and on and on. She didn't seem to notice that both teams were glaring at her.
We had a new addition to the campfire ceremony. "Welcome to the first campfire ceremony of the season, Maggots!" I said brightly. "This season, we're going back to basics with marshmallows for those who are staying, but the loser will receive a marshmallow, too. They will receive the Toxic Marshmallow of Loserdom. Not a good idea to eat that thing." Yeah, it was a radioactive marshmallow.
I don't want to raise suspense, so I can tell you right away that Staci was voted out, and she even held the marshmallow, which promptly made all her hair fall out. "I guess it's the Dock of Shame for me, then," she said with a sigh.
"Well, yes," I said, "But we also have a new elimination device instead of the Boat of Losers." I walked her down the dock to the new catapult. "We call it the Hurl of Shame! Don't worry, it's perfectly safe. You'll reach a trampoline."
"Yah, catapults were invented by my great-great-great-great-great-GREAT…" Staci's scream in mid-boast faded into the distance.
I turned to the camera. "The teams are evened up, and day one is wrapped up! How will our last twelve campers fare? Find out next time, on Total! Drama! Revenge of The Island!"
Later that night, I snuck out to hide the invincibility statue. Now day one was truly over.
Yes, Staci was on the Maggots this time. I always felt it was unfair that the Rats lost when they actually achieved the objective of the challenge and their first loss was the Maggots' fault. So I stuck Staci on there to keep the teams even. I didn't want to keep her. Rest day is next, so that should be more fun.
