Content Advisory: Unsupportive/Toxic Parenting, Self-deprecating thoughts
✉ Chapter Three: Letters of Acceptance ✉
Elphaba praised Yero's clever idea for the nicknames. Their pseudonyms felt just right. Far more personal than "Dear Stranger", but still safely anonymous. Now that they'd been assigned names, their mutual guardedness dropped like a cloak. Elphaba began pouring more and more of herself into their correspondence with each letter she wrote, and it seemed Yero was doing the same.
He'd been right. It felt safer to share things about yourself through an anonymous letter than it was to do so in reality. By concealing themselves, Fae and Yero seemed to have opened the door to be themselves.
Dear Fae,
I feel like I've never gotten a say in who I want to be…
Dear Yero,
I feel like nothing I do will ever be good enough for my family…
Dear Fae,
I feel like none of my friends know the real me…
Dear Yero,
I have no friends.
Elphaba's breath hitched as she committed the confession to paper. Had she truly just admitted that? She and Yero had been brutally honest lately, yes, but revealing the extent of her reclusiveness felt like a risk. What would he think of it, think of her? After all, what kind of freak had no friends?
And yet…she had written it. She had written it and it was the truth. She wanted to tell him because, well, who else could she tell?
I know how that sounds. You're probably wondering what's wrong with me, which I suppose is your right. I don't get along with people very well, or rather they don't get along with me. I spend a lot of time alone, which I prefer, and I've learned to manage doing most things by myself.
That said—
Elphaba's pen paused and she felt her heart hammer as her truth ached to be let free.
That said…I still feel very lonely sometimes. I've been waiting my whole life for someone, anyone, to accept me. I feel like that could make all the difference.
His next letter came rapidly, but not without suspense. Elphaba waited until she was alone to open it in private. As soon as she read the first sentence, she closed her eyes and pressed the letter close to her chest in a rush of surprise and gratitude.
Dear Fae,
Well, you can't say you have zero friends anymore. I accept you, Fae. I'll be your friend.
As pleased as she was about her rapport with Yero, happiness never came to Elphaba without an edge of self-inflicted torment. She began feeling like an imposter, tricking a poor innocent into actually believing they were friends. If he met her in reality, if he knew who she really was, he would never feel as fond. However, their decision to stay anonymous had been mutually agreed upon. She was not lying so much as…leaving things out. Right?
Elphaba's self-torment coupled with the conflict between her and Nessarose, resulted in her spending many hours in seclusion. She still tended to Nessarose and acted cordial around her, but she'd been keeping her distance more than usual. Nessarose had not spoken of the quarrel, she was no more a fan of apologizing than Elphaba was, but she was quieter as of late and demanded less of her sister's attention.
Summer was sweeping by and the closer they got to autumn, the sourer Elphaba's mood became. She could practically feel her college acceptance letters gathering dust, growing more and more obsolete with every degree the temperature dropped. The prospect of another year at home was sending her spiraling. She daydreamed crazy plans of escape, even detailed a few of them to Yero, but in the end she knew she wouldn't go through with them. She couldn't leave her sister.
"Elphaba?" Nessarose bid for Elphaba's attention one evening.
"Not now, Nessa. I'm busy," Elphaba muttered, running a feather duster over a vase in the sitting room.
"Please, Fabala. May I run something by you?"
Elphaba raised an eyebrow at her use of Fabala. Nessarose so rarely called her that anymore. Elphaba set the duster down and sat in an armchair beside her with a silently expectant look.
"Elphaba, I would like to try something new…but I don't want to do it alone," she began.
Elphaba sighed wearily. She had heard that many times before.
"Nessa, I don't know if—"
"Elphaba—"
"I don't have the time to pick up another—"
"I would like to go to college," Nessarose finally spoke over her sister. She took a deep breath and gave Elphaba a meaningful look. "I would like us…to go to college."
Elphaba stared. She gave her head a small shake, her eyebrows knitted together in puzzlement, as if she couldn't believe what she'd just heard.
"What? You…you want—"
"To go to college. Yes. I have given it much thought and discussed it with Father and we both agree it will be a great experience for me," she said. "Isn't that, right?"
Their father lifted his eyes over his newspaper to glance at his daughters. "Correct."
"And I—I am to go too?" Elphaba clarified, slowly standing to face her father.
"Shiz University will be appropriate. It is a secular institution but has fine programs for Nessarose to study politics. You will enroll and accompany her," he explained.
"Shiz?!" Elphaba shrieked, clapping her hands over her mouth. Shiz University! Oh, it seemed too good to be true. It was her top pick of schools, perhaps second only to Emerald University for its location only. She cleared her throat to recover and dutifully straightened up. "I mean…yes. Shiz sounds very appropriate."
"So…will you come?" Nessarose double checked with a light laugh.
"Will I—will I—?" Elphaba stammered.
She threw her arms around Nessarose in a strong, stunned hug. Nessarose hugged her back and offered a brave smile upon pulling away.
"I'm going to prepare for bed," she said faintly.
Elphaba watched her sister go, her heart pounding with adrenaline. She turned quickly towards her father who had set the newspaper down.
"Father…thank y—"
"Do not think you have gotten through to me, Elphaba. I'm only sending you to this school for one reason. To look after Nessa. I wouldn't have even considered this had she not insisted," he informed her.
"I understand."
"You are not there for yourself; you are there to serve your sister. While you attend college you will keep your composure and you will mind your temper. You are afforded this opportunity out of my kindness and pocketbook. Remember that," he warned. He sat back in his chair and cleared his throat. "This is, of course, dependent on if you are even accepted."
"Oh, don't worry about that, Father. Nor your pocketbook."
He glanced up and met his daughter's determined stare.
"You see…" Elphaba lifted her chin. "I've already been accepted to Shiz University with a full ride."
The way her father's jaw dropped was the cherry on top of an already lifechanging night. She bid him goodnight with only a nod and calmly walked out of the room. The moment she rounded the corner she sprinted up to her room to release her overwhelming exhilaration. She barely restrained squeals of glee as her feet stomped up the stairs in a near skip. The moment she reached her room and closed the door, she let out an excited yell of liberation, throwing her arms out wide and jumping in a circle with mad delight.
"YES! Yes! Yes, yes, yes!"
As she whooped and hollered the lights in her room began to glow brighter and brighter until the whole room was sheathed in an almost blinding beam of artificial light. The brightness rose and dimmed with her inhales and exhales, and Elphaba laughed at the discovery. She had never seen the lights do such a thing, though she had perhaps never been so deliriously happy. They were shining…she was shining.
As her high began to dwindle enough to form new thoughts, she looked around her room. The most amazing thing just happened to her and she knew exactly who she wanted to tell. She darted towards her desk, clumsily knocking over a cup of pens as she did so, and pulled out some fresh stationary.
"Dear Yero…" she read aloud as she wrote. She paused to elicit yet another disbelieving laugh before jotting her next sentence.
I'm going to Shiz University!
Elphaba paused for a tick-tock before adding, in a clear deviation from her usual grammar and syntax, about a thousand exclamation marks after the first one.
I just found out tonight. It's happened, it's real! At long, long last I'm making my way out of here! I'm going to college. I still can't believe it. I am going to college! Oz, I can't wait to have a class schedule, a dorm, access to the library! I don't know what I want to study yet, maybe law? Linguification? Oz, I'll decide later! What matters is that I have a decision.
I'm going to work hard at this. I'm not going to waste it. I'm finally starting my quest and I couldn't be happier. I couldn't be happier…what an odd feeling! Yesterday I felt so stuck, but today? I feel like my past may finally be behind me. I finally have a chance, Yero. I finally have a chance to make good.
You're the first person I wanted to tell because…well, you know me. You know how much this means to me. I feel different. I feel good. I feel…unlimited.
I think the only thing that could make Shiz better is if you were there with me.
Signed, Fae
She'd been too elated to mind what she was writing, and certainly too elated to reread. She signed and addressed her letter, oblivious to the implications of her last sentence. Had she meant it? Of course. Had she meant to share it? Unclear.
The next day Nessarose seemed pleasant, but distant. Elphaba tried a few times to engage her in discussions about Shiz, but Nessarose answered with quick answers or a simple polite nod. She seemed paler than usual, jittery.
When Elphaba knocked on her door that night to brush her hair, Nessarose didn't look back at her.
"I wasn't sure you'd come," she murmured, tucking some hair back behind her ear as she stared at her reflection.
"Of course I did," Elphaba answered lightly, grabbing the hairbrush and getting to work without a word. "You've been quiet today, Nessa."
"Just thinking…" she mumbled, biting her lip.
"About what?"
She looked younger than her eighteen years, meeker. Nessarose had a wide range of emotions, usually based on who she had most recently been influenced by. Elphaba sometimes wondered who Nessarose was when she was alone.
"Come now, Nessa. You know you can tell me anything."
"You're excited about Shiz," Nessarose pointed out. It wasn't a question.
"Yes, I'm terribly excited," Elphaba confirmed. She wasn't able to pretend that she wasn't. "You don't seem excited about Shiz."
"I am—I am a little. I'm just…" Nessarose trailed off with an uncertain whine.
Elphaba paused her brushing for a moment and set the brush on her sister's vanity. She placed her hands on Nessarose's shoulders.
"You're just…" Elphaba prompted.
"What if they don't like me?" Nessarose finally asked with a whimper, a single tear racing down her pale cheek. "What if they think I'm weird?"
"Oh Nessa…" Elphaba sighed sympathetically, going to kneel beside her sister to meet at eye level. She took an embroidered handkerchief out of her dress pocket and gently dabbed her tears. "It's normal to be nervous."
"But Father says people outside of Munchkinland are different, especially young people. They can be indecent, profane, disagreeable. What if they're mean to me?"
"Nessa, meeting new people is going to be great for you. For the first time ever you're going to be around lots of people your own age. Think of all of the new things you could try, think about how many new friends you could make! You may even meet someone you want to be more than friends with, not that that is what you should focus on," Elphaba backtracked quickly. Nessarose laughed tearily. "Father is just scared because his precious girl is moving away from him. That's why he said such things. I know that I would be a wreck if you were apart from me."
"Truly?"
Elphaba took Nessarose's hand and placed it over her heart. "Truly."
Heartened, Nessarose smiled gratefully and began to envision it.
"It'll be splendid, Nessa," Elphaba continued. "We'll room together, study together, we'll grab tea between classes together—"
"We'll room together?"
"Of course. Who else is going to brush your hair, hm?" Elphaba chuckled, standing at full height to commence said brushing. "You've nothing to fear, Nessa. They're going to love you."
Nessarose gave Elphaba a thankful yet pensive stare through the reflection in the mirror, now somehow appearing older than her eighteen years. How did she do that?
"And what of…you, Elphaba?" she asked slowly.
"What about me?" Elphaba asked unconcernedly, counting the strokes in her head.
"What will they think of you?"
Elphaba stilled and glanced down at her green hand holding the hairbrush. The question gave her pause. In the euphoria of their transition, Elphaba had almost forgotten her exterior. Surely people outside of Munchkinland would be more open minded, right? Then again, she had never been outside of Munchkinland. It may be a devil living here, but it was the devil that she knew. Dirty looks were common in Nest Hardings, but the shock around her had largely worn off. How would a new group of people embrace her?
"Oh, well…don't you worry about me, alright?" Elphaba mumbled airily. "Things will be different there."
As she said it, she wasn't sure who she was trying to reassure more. Nessarose…or herself.
Confetti fell onto Elphaba's lap upon opening Yero's latest letter. Paragraphs of excited scrawl praised, validated, and celebrated her. It was everything a reaction from a friend should be, but the doubt Nessarose had planted in her mind prevented her from fully enjoying it.
What will they think of you?
What did it matter?! Elphaba sighed and put her head in her hands. She was not attending Shiz University to make friends; she was going to learn. The last thing on her mind was becoming popular. Yet…
Elphaba picked up a piece of confetti and glumly twirled it between her fingers. She'd been fine before. Friendless, but fine. Why now did she so greatly long for connection?
Shiz could go one of two ways. Would she be embraced by a progressive community of peers, or would she be freshly ostracized in an unfamiliar environment? Whichever way it went…she couldn't see how Yero fit into the equation.
Yero's letters had been a welcome respite in her monotonous existence, but would she still be able to make the most of her new chapter if she continued to use him as a crutch? They were friends, yes, but they didn't really know each other. Elphaba had a chance, no matter how slim, to make new friends…real friends.
As she packed her bags for college, she felt as if she were prepping for battle. She knew one thing, for her to succeed at Shiz in the ways she desired—she couldn't have any distractions. Yero, as much as she hated to admit it, was the biggest distraction of all.
In the end, her decision to end their correspondence was one of practicality…but that didn't make writing the letter any easier.
Dear Yero,
I write this letter with a heavy heart. I have decided that I need to dedicate myself fully to the college experience as I embark on my adventure to Shiz. I wanted to thank you for your part in my getting there. Just by listening to me you kept my spirits up, and your encouragement will stick with me.
I wish you all the luck in the world with your future. I hope that you know that you're smart enough to achieve whatever it is that you want. I hope that when you inevitably do, you will remember that I said so all along.
I will miss our correspondence… and I will miss you.
Signed, Fae
✉ Riddle answer: A lot of people were very close and on the right track! Elphaba's pin (#1123) is a combination of 11 and 23. Defying Gravity is the 11th track in Wicked, and Elphaba's name is first mentioned in the book on page 23. Fiyero's pin (#6144) uses the same logic. Dancing Through Life is the 6th track in Wicked and Fiyero's name is first introduced on page 144. Thanks for playing!
