Content Advisory: Implied Dissociation, Emotional Distress, Phobia Related Panic
✉ Chapter Six: If The Shoe Fits ✉
Dear Fae,
I know you told me not to write. I respect your decision even though it's dumb. However, you'll understand why I had to write when I tell you.
I'm at Shiz.
You've inspired me, Fae. I'd given up before but I want to try again. I don't know what I want to do with my life yet, but I know that I want to graduate. I'm going to try really hard this time. I don't want to 'do nothing with my opportunity' or whatever it was you said. Also, I promise I'm not a stalker. Shiz was one of the last schools I hadn't flunked out of yet, so it seemed like the natural next step.
I'm in a new territory and I would really like to hear back from you if you'll consider it. Maybe I'll even see you around.
Anyway, I've got to unpack.
Signed, Yero
Elphaba read the letter repeatedly, a myriad of feelings fighting the others for prominence. Shock. Confusion. Elation. Flattery. Fear. Dread. Dread. Dread.
Yero was at Shiz.
Her stranger, her anonymous friend, her only friend…he was here. He was here and Elphaba knew one thing for sure, he had seen her. There was no way around that. Everyone knew who she was, particularly after her stunt. She had no reason to believe he knew who she was, he wouldn't have written at all if he did. She did wonder, had she seen him?
Was he the boy with the spitball? Or Jozsef Fox who had jumped into the girl's seat—Yero was a self-proclaimed flirt! No, she thought, he wouldn't do that…but in truth she didn't know. People presented themselves differently on paper than in real life. After all, she certainly did. Still, in her heart, she couldn't believe that her Yero was cruel.
Her Yero. She scoffed in revulsion. How arrogant a sentiment! He wasn't hers any more than she was his. Could she stand living out her daily life upon campus, scrutinizing every male face in search of Yero?
Elphaba looked up at the sound of heels clacking on cobblestones and went cold to see Madame Morrible approaching. Perhaps her anxiety over sharing a campus with Yero was for naught. Expulsion was likely about to be something they had in common. She could appreciate the irony.
Elphaba hopped down from the statue and approached Madame Morrible with humility.
"Madame—if I may—I never intended to cause such a scene. I promise you that it will never happen again. I'm terribly sorry."
"Never happen again?" Morrible's painted eyebrows shot up. "Nonsense, my dear! What I saw from my window was nothing short of talent, pure talent! One should never apologize for talent."
Elphaba gaped. "Madame?"
"Miss Elphaba, have you ever considered a career in sorcery?"
"Sorcery? Not really…I mean magic has sort of just happened to me since childhood but—"
"Childhood?!" Morrible clutched at her chest. "Miss Elphaba, I simply must insist you join my sorcery seminar. I shall tutor you privately and take no other students."
"Madame, I'm flattered but I—I usually try to conceal these powers! I was considering a focus on history—or perhaps science—" Elphaba stammered. "I really want to do some good in the world."
"I do not think you are grasping what is in store for you. Miss Elphaba, with such raw power like yours, after some instruction we could harness it in no time," Morrible insisted. "I would go so far as to predict that The Wizard himself could make great use out of you!"
Elphaba choked. "The Wizard?"
"I trust you've heard of him."
"Yes! Of course, yes. I've always admired The Wizard—to meet him, to work with him would be…" Elphaba shook her head in wonder. "Yes. I'll do it! I'll join your seminar. Thank you, Madame. Thank you."
"No need to thank me! Just work as you should," Morrible smiled broadly. She placed her fingertips under Elphaba's chin and lifted it a bit, turning it side to side in order to examine her new protegee. "Yes…yes, you'll do quite nicely."
She released Elphaba and began to head off, but Elphaba followed after her. "But Madame! Today. What I said to the students—"
"Worry not, Miss Elphaba. You needn't lower yourselves to lesser beings. You've got grander things in store."
Elphaba could barely wait for Madame Morrible to fully leave the empty square before she exploded in celebration.
"Yes!" she cried, her braid whipping around madly as she stomped and whooped triumphantly. "Yes! Yes! Yes, yes YES!"
Elphaba entered her dorm in a state of delight. She tossed her bookbag on her bed and twirled in a circle before spotting Galinda leering at her over the top of a magazine.
"What's that?" Galinda asked.
"What's what?"
"On your face."
"I'm smiling."
"I've never seen you smile; I didn't know you were capable," Galinda squinted. "It's weird."
"Well, I'm happy. You see, when people are happy, they smile," Elphaba explained.
"And what do you have to be happy about?!" Galinda closed her magazine and stood up. "I heard about your little scene in the quad. Everyone is terrified of you now!"
"Are you?" Elphaba tested, taking a step towards her.
"Psh!" Galinda crossed her arms. "No."
"BOO!" Elphaba lunged.
"Ah!" Galinda shrieked and stomped her foot. "You horrible green thing. Everyone keeps checking in on me, you know. They're worried you're going to hex me in the night!"
"Well please try and keep the condolence bouquets to your side of the room," Elphaba said before flopping onto her bed. "I won't hex you, at least not yet. I suppose if Madame Morrible teaches me something really good I'll have practice somehow."
"Wait, Madame Morrible? What—what do you mean?"
"Oh, it's nothing," Elphaba shrugged coolly. "Madame Morrible has invited me to partake in sorcery seminar is all."
"What?!" Galinda gasped. "You're a liar! You lie! She said she's not holding it this semester!"
"She isn't," Elphaba sat upright. "She's tutoring me privately."
"Nooooooooo!" Galinda dramatically fell to her knees and beat her fists against her fluffy bed in a darling little tantrum. "That's not fair. That's not fair! My entrance essay was all about that—I applied to that seminar! I—I—"
"Didn't get your way?" Elphaba supplied.
"Yes!" Galinda wailed in agony and buried her face in her comforter. "What is happening to the world?"
Elphaba left in high spirits that evening for her nightly visit to Nessarose. When she eagerly knocked on the door, Morrible's housekeeper opened the door.
"Evening, Amalia," Elphaba greeted. "May I see my sister?"
Amalia shifted her weight between her feet nervously and looked over her shoulder towards Nessarose's room. "Er—I—"
"Is everything alright?" Elphaba asked in concern.
"She…doesn't…"
"Amalia!" Nessarose's voice barked from the hall. "Did you not tell her?"
The Badger scurried off to make room for Nessarose in the doorway. Her face was expressionless. Elphaba looked after Amalia before greeting her sister with an odd look.
"Nessa, I don't know what you told her, but you shouldn't speak to Amalia that way. She's not your servant—"
"Well, she serves me."
"So did I, did that make me your servant?"
"If the shoe fits," Nessarose shrugged.
Elphaba's eyebrows shot up at her sister's tone.
"Nessarose Thropp, what has gotten into you?" Elphaba admonished. "I want an apology."
"You want an apology? You want an apology after the stunt you pulled today?!"
"Nessa listen—"
"No! You told me you'd be nice. You told me you'd make friends. You promised. Now look at what you've done! The whole campus is talking about the spectacle you made of yourself. They hate you, Elphaba, they hate you!"
"I know they hate me!" Elphaba blurted out. "You think I don't know they hate me?!"
"You didn't—"
"They were bullying me, Nessa. Terrorizing me! Did you expect me to lie down and take it forever? Did you actually want that from me?"
"Everyone is saying the most horrendible things about you—"
"And do you care!?" Elphaba stressed. "Do you care that they're saying 'horrendible things' about your sister?!"
"That's just it! They all know, Elphaba! They all know that I'm your sister!"
Nessarose's edge collapsed as pouting tears began spilling over her puffy cheeks.
"And there we have it," Elphaba shook her head. "I should have known. I should have known that this was all about you."
"How dare you speak to me in that way? Do you think I'm some spoiled brat?!"
"Well, if the jeweled shoe fits!" Elphaba hissed before she could help herself.
Nessarose stopped crying and her face went cold. Elphaba felt a chill up her spine at her sister's expression. She'd never noticed it before, but it was uncanny now. Nessarose's resemblance to Father.
"Come on, Nessa. I don't want to argue," Elphaba softened her tone. "Listen, this'll all blow over, and soon none of it will matter! Madame Morrible has asked me to be part of her sorcery seminar—just ask her! She says I have talent; she says I could go all the way to The Emerald City. To The Wizard."
"Stop."
"Don't you see, Nessa? This is going to change everything—for both of us! All of Oz has to love me if I'm with The Wizard. Stick with me Nessa and soon enough—"
"Elphaba, stop."
"Nessa—please," Elphaba pleaded. "Let's both just calm down. Let me come in, we'll talk, I'll brush your hair. I know nothing has gone according to plan since we got here, first with the room mix up—"
"The mix up," Nessarose laughed bitterly. "Oz, Elphaba, you think you're so smart. Don't you see? I'm the one who wrote to Shiz requesting a room away from you!"
"You?" Elphaba mumbled, feeling a stab of betrayal. "But—but why?"
"Because I'm ashamed of you!" Nessarose unloaded.
Elphaba stopped. Stopped talking, stopped moving, stopped breathing. She stopped.
"You're what?"
"I'm—I'm…" Nessarose stammered. She swallowed and cast her eyes down at her lap before speaking in a weakened tone. "You heard what I said."
"Nessa…" Elphaba whispered.
"Go home, Elphaba. Just…go home."
Nessarose wheeled back and shut the door in Elphaba's face. Numbness spread through Elphaba's being and she stared unblinking at the ornate knocker on the door. Her mind, for once, held nothing in it as if to protect her from reality. Elphaba's legs worked on auto-pilot as they turned and carried her away.
Go home, Elphaba. Where was that supposed to be, again? Her dorm? Munchkinland? Stories always waxed poetic about home being where your loved ones were. Consequently, Elphaba couldn't picture any place, or any person, that fit the bill.
Galinda was out when she returned. Elphaba sat at her desk, almost wishing her roommate was present to provide a distraction. Now that she was alone, her numbness was replaced by a sudden threat of tears that teetered on a cliff's edge in her chest. Elphaba activated her reinforcements at once to ward off the intruding emotion like she always did. She pressed the heels of her palms to her eyes and gritted her teeth. A whimper escaped her constricted throat, but she forced the rest back in.
No. This was not the night. This was not the night she'd break her streak.
When she'd at last subdued her tempest, Elphaba removed her hands and straightened her shoulders with a steadying breath. She pulled out Yero's letter, finding it crinkled from being in her pocket all day, and smoothed it out with care. Yero may only like her because he didn't know who she was, but she was in no position to turn down an ally of any sort. Yero enjoyed her writing, felt inspired by her, and considered her a friend. How could she continue to resist such decency?
Her hands worked on muscle memory as they reached for some pen and paper. First, she filled out a change of address card so the Ozian Pen Pal Service would direct her mail to Shiz. Then, she began to write.
Dear Yero,
Welcome to Shiz. I cannot express what getting your letter has meant to me. Suffice it to say that it came at a most welcome time. I have missed you, dear friend.
I am proud of your decision to attend, and I am confident that you will succeed. You are clever enough by far to graduate, though I hope this school treats you better than it has treated me. Shiz has not gone the way I hoped it would. That said, I must remain more adamant than ever that we remain anonymous. We may continue to write, but we may never meet. Please manage your curiosity and do not try to find me. I shall do the same for you.
May grand things be in store for us both.
Signed, Fae
Elphaba awoke in the middle of the night to a hand aggressively shaking her shoulder.
"Oh, Elphaba, you must tell Madame Morrible to include me in the sorcery seminar! You simply must! Please, please, please!"
Elphaba, disoriented and jostled, didn't open her eyes right away.
"Galinda? What in Oz…"
"This is my future we're talking about here! I'll do anything, Elphaba, please!"
"What time is it?" Elphaba groaned.
She was slow to wake at first but when she at last opened her eyes she sat up at full attention to find the room pitch-dark.
"W-where is the light?!" Elphaba gasped, her heartrate spiking at once. "Where is it?!"
"You mean that nightlight? The glare hurt my eyes when I woke up from my horrendible nightmare!"
"I need my light!"
Elphaba frantically threw her arm towards her bedside table and it collided with her lamp. They both heard the bulb shatter on the ground and Galinda yelped. There was a sudden click and the room flooded with the light from Galinda's beside lamp.
"What is with all the hubbub!?" Galinda complained.
Elphaba tried to form words but found that she couldn't. Her hands clutched at her aching chest as she attempted to regulate her erratic breathing.
"Oh…" Galinda uttered in soft surprise. "Elphaba?"
Galinda hastened to sit beside Elphaba on her bed. "Alrighty listen up. Name three things that you can see."
"What?" Elphaba wheezed.
"Three things you see! Around the room," Galinda gestured.
"Uh…" Elphaba wet her lips. "The—the mirror."
"Good. What else?"
"My books and… I see your pillow."
"What color is it?"
"Pink."
"Well, fuchsia, but close enough. What is one thing you can smell?"
Elphaba finally took a deep, shuddering breath and tried to focus on the instruction. What did she smell?
"That awful vanilla candle you burned earlier."
"You would hate vanilla," Galinda scoffed.
"It gives me a headache," Elphaba said. Her senses slowly began returning to her. She felt dizzy. She wiped a hand over her sweaty forehead and gave Galinda a long look. "What was…all of that?"
"You were having a panic attack," Galinda said as she adjusted one of her curlers. "And now you're all better…thanks to me!"
"This all just…caught me off guard is all," Elphaba explained defensively. "It's not like I'm—I'm…"
"Afraid of the dark?" Galinda supplied.
"I'm not!"
"Yes, you are," Galinda yawned, returning to sit on her own bed. "Let's not pretend that you aren't."
Elphaba wrung her hands nervously, trying and failing to formulate an excuse.
"Okay, fine! I am! I'm afraid of the dark! Happy?!" Elphaba lashed out. "Now you can go tell all of your ditsy friends and have a great laugh over it!"
"Wooooooow. Um, you're welcome for helping you, I guess?!" Galinda huffed.
"I wouldn't have even had this problem if you hadn't woken me up!"
"Oh, but Elphaba. I had the most horrendible nightmare! I dreamed that Madame Morrible said I'd never amount to anything. Everybody hated me like we all hate you!" Galinda whined. She caught Elphaba's look. "No offense."
"Tell you what," Elphaba glared. "Use magic to mend my broken lamp and then I'll tell Madame to include you in the seminar."
"You mend it if you're so talented!" Galinda protested.
"Me? No, no…" Elphaba adjusted her pillow and settled back in with a sigh. "I'm much more talented at wrecking things."
Galinda flopped back onto her pillow as well and the two girls stared up at the ceiling in silence.
"Hey…Elphaba?" Galinda turned her head.
"What?!" Elphaba sighed impatiently.
"My sleep mask blocks out a bunch of light. You know…if you wanted to sleep with the lamp on," Galinda offered.
Elphaba turned her head and suspiciously sized Galinda up. Her gut reaction would have been to decline out of pride, but something in her roommate's expression struck her as sincere. So, after a long pause, Elphaba finally mumbled: "Maybe just for tonight."
