"We should all hold kelp or seaweed in our hands at least once and feel its weight. Somehow it was torn free, forced from its environment to wash ashore. And I realize it doesn't belong here. It's dying beneath the sun's rays. It hurts. And I know how it feels."
-'The Salt in His Kiss: Poems' by Alfa
The journey back to Becca's lab consisted of little but silence. They'd barely exchanged a word after Luna relinquished her hold on Raven's hand. She drew back, watching as the Grounder's top was allowed to finally fall, concealing the scars once more. Raven suspected it would be a long time before their image had faded from her consciousness, though.
In a way, their reveal had been a gift. One she understood the significance of, appreciating what it must have taken for Luna to give it to her - even if Raven didn't entirely understand why she'd done so; what had made her deserving of such a privilege in the other woman's eyes.
Doubtless, she'd stew over the many possibilities for that in the nights to come.
Gift or not, though, the memory of what she'd seen, what she'd heard had left a sour taste in her mouth.
She really hadn't needed inspiration for any more nightmares.
Thanks for that, Luna.
Still, however heavily this aspect of Luna's past rested on Raven's shoulders, she knew that such weight could not compare to what the other woman had carried almost all her life, from the moment those scars were brought into being.
Plus, Luna hadn't been privy to Raven's own history, to what recollections her story might provoke, so she could hardly blame her for the phantom strangling of her stomach and the ghost of her mother's liquor stained breath in the air. Or the way her ribs still seared in protest.
Luna hadn't known.
And even if she had, she'd only been trying to help. Of that much, Raven was ninety-nine percent certain.
So, get over it, Reyes.
She wondered what about her made Luna think she was deserving of such help.
There was a reason she hadn't bothered to answer the question posed to her, standing on this very dock.
'Do you really think you deserve to be saved?'
No, not particularly. Not even back when she'd been a kid and Finn had held out half his rations to her.
Didn't mean she wasn't going to fight like hell not to die, though. Maybe she didn't deserve a rescue but she cared about herself enough to do her own rescuing.
Or, at least, she had - until saving herself meant not saving everyone else.
Still, it wasn't like she could have said any of that to Luna. None of it was exactly a ringing endorsement for humanity, or capable of convincing her to stay.
Raven had never really been all that worth staying for.
Ducking her head, she resolved to give Luna more time at the dock - considering she'd monopolized the other woman's attention, dragging her away from her reason for being there in the first place. But Luna announced a desire to leave - Raven's eyes catching the movement of her hand as she stowed the braid away once more.
Despite her intentions, that was one keepsake she appeared unwilling - or unable - to part with. Raven could understand that. It had barely been a week since Adria died.
Finn had been dead for months and she still wasn't ready to let go of him.
Raven didn't comment on it, voicing her assent as she went about the painful process of getting herself vertical again. Like she'd predicted, it hurt like a bitch and was more than a little humiliating.
Luna didn't stare but nor did her eyes dart away in an effort to 'protect' her pride. It was the best response she could have hoped for, and she was shamefully grateful for it.
Pain and humiliation aside, Raven found she didn't regret what she'd done. Her hand still tingled with the ghost of Luna's touch and the other woman was markedly more relaxed in her presence than she had been in all the days they'd spent together on the island. She even spared Raven a small smile as they departed - this one real.
It acted as a balm to her aching nerves, repelling any regret that might have formed in consequence.
Nothing more was said.
The walk back to Becca's lab was slower than the walk to the dock had been and - impossibly - seemed even longer. Raven's hip protested every step and her movements felt stiff. She knew that she'd pushed herself too hard (like always). The excitement of the first day on the island coupled with her recent - and very first - seizure was starting to add up. Combine that with the trek she'd taken today and her body was keen to let her know its displeasure.
Asshole.
Raven gritted her teeth and ignored it.
They were about halfway back, though, when Luna slowed to a halt.
"Let's stop for a while."
Fuck that.
"We don't have to stop for me."
That might have come across a little snappish but she was tired and sore and Luna had just stepped on one of her most sensitive trigger points. She hated people treating her differently, pitying her, babying her. It made her feel as helpless as they clearly saw her, like she really couldn't do anything.
And she could. Raven knew she could.
She just had to push herself.
(harder and harder, it seemed, each day)
If Luna was bothered by her tone, it didn't show. In fact, she looked distinctly unruffled. They could have been discussing the weather for all the inflection her voice carried when she deigned to respond. "I never said we were. I'm tired."
Raven had no doubt that was true considering the Grounder had been used as a veritable blood bank the past couple of days but she also knew that wasn't why they were stopping - and she hated it.
However, her leg was becoming impossible to ignore, promising that it would only be a matter of time before it started affecting her gait in embarrassing ways. Raven wouldn't be able to hide it, then.
Not that she really needed to. Likely, there was very little she could hide from Luna and this definitely wasn't it.
Still, it made her feel better to at least participate in the appearance of doing so.
"Fine," she huffed, rolling her eyes when she saw the small triumphant smile that passed over Luna's lips. "Don't think I don't know what you're doing, though."
Luna hummed, stepping over to a tree and leaning against it. "I'm sure I don't know what you mean."
She did look tired now that Raven took the time to notice, but also far too smug for her liking.
Maybe a friendship with Luna wouldn't be all that easy, after all.
In fact, she was growing to suspect it would be downright irritating.
As they stood in silence, Raven noticed an edging of reluctance in Luna's eyes as her gaze drifted again and again toward where they were going - the path to Becca's lab.
Maybe there had been an alternative motive to her suggestion that they stop. "You really don't like being in there, do you?"
The Grounder didn't ask her to elaborate, lifted a shoulder in a half-hearted shrug. "I've been in worse places."
Raven wasn't in the mood for evasions. "But you don't like it."
Luna's eyes found their way to her, considering. "No. I don't."
"Is it because it's indoors?" Because. . . she could understand that. If she'd grown up on the ground, amongst all this nature and fresh fucking air, she'd probably have a problem or two with being locked inside as well.
Luna shook her head. "I've been indoors for long periods of time before. In The Tower. On the oil rig. But those places were my home. And I was surrounded by people I cared for. Becca's lab is. . ."
"Unfamiliar," Raven guessed.
She inclined her head. "Cold. And empty." The corner of her mouth lifted slightly, a flash of feeble humor in her eyes. "It's not where I'd prefer to spend humanity's last days."
Raven suspected the fact that Abby seemed determined to act as her jailer at times also didn't help. "How do you like the mansion?"
She'd spent little time there herself but Murphy sang it so many praises she was half expecting him to write a song in tribute any day now.
"Better. More interesting." That smile returned, the humor in her gaze approaching genuine now. "A lot more comfortable."
Raven snorted. Yeah, the lab didn't have much in the way of that. Probably another thing that was fucking with her leg.
"But it's still not for me," Luna finished. "I prefer to be closer to the sea and, failing that, closer to the ground." She glanced down at the grass beneath their feet. "Able to breathe the air. The Tower in Polis may have been far apart from nature but you could always breathe easily there. In some places, walls had fallen away completely." Her eyes glinted. "Which could be terrifying as a child when one of the other novitiates threatened to push you over the edge in vengeance for a perceived slight. Lexa was very fond of that."
Raven smiled a little. Her feelings towards the former Commander were. . . less than amicable but she liked the way Luna's face had softened whilst talking about her, how some of the age seemed to have lifted from her features.
"Sounds like fun. Wouldn't mind doing the same to Murphy." The temptation to actually push him over might prove too much for her, though.
"John seems nice."
Raven guffawed. "I'm not sure anyone has ever said that about Murphy."
Luna shrugged. "I like his cooking." Her eyes sparkled.
"I suppose he had to have one redeeming quality," she grumbled.
The other woman seemed to be fighting hard not to laugh before she turned away once more to escape the urge. Raven's smile lingered and she finally allowed herself to rest back against her own tree.
Maybe this whole taking a break thing wasn't so bad.
She could even believe for a while that Luna hadn't suggested it for her sake.
After a time, though, she noticed the Grounder's attention had strayed and her fingers were tracing the lining of her pocket.
Raven deflated.
She'd tried to forget their reason for this little outing.
But it was obvious that Luna couldn't.
She hesitated, not sure whether to let sleeping dogs lie, or whether the other woman would appreciate the chance to talk about it. She erred on the side of caution. "Do your people believe in an afterlife?"
Luna glanced back at her, brow furrowing slightly at the question. The tiredness, though - that had been but a shadow before - was more clearly starting to show itself in her eyes and the sag of her shoulders.
Raven wondered if she also hadn't fully recovered from her recent brush with death. She'd been as sick as the rest of her people for a while there. The effects of that would take time to fade, or so she'd assume.
Abby had given Luna the green light for travel before they'd set off on their little mission but she knew that the doctor was constantly navigating a balancing act between the nightblood's wellbeing and the future of all mankind.
Finally, Luna spoke. "It differs from clan to clan but, for the most part, no. Growing up, I was taught that only the Commander could ascend to such a place. That only their spirit lingered."
Right. The Flame.
Raven supposed it could be considered life after death, in a manner of speaking. Clarke had been very insistent that a part of Lexa remained in the A.I. and, knowing the science, Raven couldn't exactly argue with her belief.
"Except it wasn't seen as a privilege, but a duty. Our commitment to our people must survive long after death. Once you take the Flame, you forfeit any right to rest. But everyone else, we're allowed to finally sleep. To find peace in death." Luna said the words softly, voice dropping out at the end with the faintest undercurrent of. . . something.
Maybe longing?
She'd never heard death described as a privilege before but maybe for a culture that viewed life as nothing more than a perpetual fight, there was some sense in that.
"Your fight is over," Raven murmured with understanding.
Luna nodded. "It was one of the few things that Titus and I ever agreed on. Well, to a point. I wanted us to find that peace sooner. I felt that it was a waste of life, to spend it fighting until death."
She wasn't wrong, but being right about something didn't necessarily mean it would become a reality. Just because they deserved a life of peace, a life without fighting didn't mean any of them would get it. The world didn't work like that.
No matter how much they wished it did.
She'd learned very quickly that if you wanted to survive for any length of time, you had to fight for the right.
Peace was an afterthought.
Luna had clearly felt differently.
Raven wondered if she still did.
She wet her lips. "May we meet again."
Luna squinted. "What?"
She shrugged. "It's what we say when someone dies. Maybe because it sounds less like goodbye. Eventually we'll find each other again, somehow. Death isn't the end."
The other woman's mouth ticked up slightly, weak but evident. There was appreciation in her eyes. "I like that."
"Mm. It's strangely optimistic for my people." At times, too optimistic for Raven's tastes. But she could understand the pull of it, the temptation. The hope it had offered to many. "For us, the ground was the afterlife. Our heaven. We spent our nights dreaming of returning to it."
That dream had barely been realized before it descended into the realm of nightmares.
Luna looked intrigued and Raven was relieved that she'd at least managed to distract her from Adria. She hesitated before choosing to recite the Traveler's Blessing. Maybe Luna would be able to make more of it than she had.
Maybe it could still do someone some good.
Even if it held no comfort for Raven anymore.
"In peace, may you leave the shore. In love, may you find the next. Safe passage on your travels until our final journey to the ground. May we meet again." She wet her lips. "That's what we say. That's our prayer."
Luna's mouth lifted slightly, but her eyes were sad. "I hope your people are right."
"Yeah," Raven sighed. "Me, too."
And about more than just this.
If the nightblood solution failed. . .
Her hand clenched.
For all Raven's efforts, the other woman's smile fell away too soon.
Luna sighed, dropping her gaze to the earth. "I never should have brought them to Arcadia. If we had stayed, at least they would have died surrounded by the sea. And then I could have returned them to it. Properly."
Raven frowned. "You were just trying to save them."
Her mouth twisted slightly. "Well, I've always been better at killing people than saving them."
Yeah, okay. She'd heard enough. "That's not true. You created a refuge, a place of safety and freedom for so many people, Luna."
"And in the end, only brought them death." It was the most emotion she'd heard Luna release since she'd held a gun to her and Raven retreated from the memory. "My entire clan is gone, Raven. I doubt any other leader can say that. If they'd never come to the sea, they never would have eaten those fish - and they'd still be alive right now."
That was. . . wrong on so many levels. The facts were straight, she could give her that, but it still screamed with error. "You're not the reason your clan is dead, Luna - A.L.I.E. is. She's the one who started all this. Or Becca, if we want to get technical. Trace the chicken to the egg."
Luna just shook her head, looking away. "A lot of people start things, Raven. It doesn't mean our own actions don't have consequences."
"Well, this isn't one of yours."
The other woman's gaze returned to her slowly and there was a touch of wetness to her eyes. All fervency had left, leaving only grief in its wake.
"If I hadn't brought them to the sea, they'd still be alive. That's a consequence. My consequence."
Raven wished she'd never brought up the subject of the afterlife, opened the door to. . .this.
It hadn't been her intention to ignite Luna's pain, to underscore her suffering. She'd been trying to alleviate it, not add to it.
But maybe this wasn't entirely on her.
Maybe such thoughts had been swirling around Luna's head for a long time and she'd just given them the space to breathe, to mosey their way on into the light.
Luna sighed, reading the conflict on her face. "I know you want to make me feel better about this, and I appreciate that, I do. But you can't." She looked away once more, setting her sights on the direction they'd come - on the sea that could no longer be seen. Her voice dropped lower, weighted by exhaustion. "I'll make peace with it in my own time. But not now."
Raven hesitated but nodded, though the other woman could no longer see the gesture. "Okay."
She could understand that. People had tried to make her feel better about Finn's death.
Tried to tell her she had nothing to do with it.
All it did was make Raven angry.
There was no better.
And she knew what she'd done.
Knew the consequences of it.
If she'd never gone on that spacewalk. . .
Words couldn't erase that. She wished they could, but they couldn't.
The death of her people wasn't on Luna. Raven believed that without hesitation. But if Luna didn't believe it, well. . .
Nothing she could say would change that.
You feel what you feel.
Even if it's wrong.
A/N: Alright, next chapter will be set after 4x06 :)
