A/N: So, in canon, Abby sedates Raven at the end of 4x06. But because I'm stretching out the timeline I've decided to delay that until later in the story, once we get up to 4x08.
There's a lot of internal monologue in this chapter, sorry in advance. Originally there was even more but it was starting to feel excessive so I've decided to save the rest for later chapters.
Luna's chapters tend to be pretty heavy on the internal monologue cos there's a lot going on under the surface that she doesn't let you see.
Next chapter we return to Raven's POV and Raven and Luna interacting, though.
"When things are at their blackest, I say to myself, 'Cheer up, things could be worse.'
And sure enough, they get worse."
― Robert Asprin
John and Jackson had worked together to heave Raven's unconscious form back to her 'bedroom', Abby and Luna following their actions with anxious attention.
She'd wanted to reach out to the younger woman, to carry Raven herself, to hold her - like she'd held her through the uncontrollable rage earlier - but something stopped Luna.
She'd seemed so fragile, laying there on the floor after the convulsions had ceased - it wasn't a descriptor she'd ever thought to apply to Raven. The girl was small but big - her personality and life bursting out of her, dwarfing all other occupants in the room. But unconscious, that grandness disappeared, sucked into the weakening world of sickness, of her body's contrasting frailty.
A part of Luna had been afraid to touch, to break what was already crumbling.
It wasn't a fear she'd experienced for a long time. That nauseating suspicion that her darkness was contagious, that if she touched the light of others she would only contaminate them, spread that darkness like a ravenous disease-
destruction without limits.
But reality had dismissed that fear over the years, that belief that she would ruin all in her path.
Derrick had never been afraid of her touch.
And neither had Adria.
Luna had watched in wonder every time she released them from her arms and their light didn't flicker, didn't go out but instead bloomed, growing stronger.
The fear that her mere existence would bring catastrophe had worn away, been revealed for the irrational paranoia it was.
Until A.L.I.E. had arrived, starting a chain reaction that extinguished all sources of light in Luna's life.
They were gone now.
All of them.
And she could trace that fatal conclusion back to her own actions, her own choices.
Her darkness - the world's darkness - had won.
There was no light left now.
Except for Raven.
Somehow, someway she'd appeared as a torch in a tunnel Luna couldn't find her way out of.
She made something settle inside her, made the darkness retreat.
For a time.
Luna didn't want to break that.
It wasn't rational. She knew it wasn't rational.
But she couldn't make herself reach out.
Not yet.
(and she hated that she'd found herself here again, that years of healing, of growing to be content in her skin, in her soul, had been torn apart in the space of a few weeks.
She'd lost everything.
Except herself.
And now she feared even that was under threat)
Jackson and John retreated from the room Raven had claimed as her own. It was a spartan space, sectioned off from Becca's lab - one of over twenty that Luna had come across in her exploration of the floors. It contained a narrow bed, a computer, and not much else, standing in stark contrast to the luxurious bedrooms back at the mansion. It was rare for Raven to be seen there, though. She kept herself to the lab, working around the clock, barely pausing for sustenance or sleep.
That lack of self-care seemed to be taking its toll.
"You don't need to stay, Luna," Abby murmured absentmindedly, attention wholly focused on the girl in her care. "Thanks for keeping an eye on her but I've got it from here. There's not really that much to do but wait until she wakes up."
The prospect of returning to her own bedroom in the mansion whilst Raven's status remained unknown was far from appealing. There was little point in the endeavor, anyway - Luna was unlikely to find the sleep that had eluded her so far since arriving at Arcadia.
At least if she stayed, she could do something useful - even if it was just waiting for Raven to wake up, ensuring that she wouldn't be alone when she returned disoriented to the conscious world.
"I'm alright here."
Abby said nothing to this, utterly absorbed in her patient. Luna suspected that the out she'd offered had been but a perfunctory courtesy. She didn't care what Luna did with herself - at least for the moment.
There was a relief in that.
A loosening of her shackles.
She took a step closer, eyeing the little bird with growing trepidation.
Raven breathed steadily, eyelids flickering, though she didn't wake. She was facing away from Luna, the angle of her neck tortuously inviting. It was in the perfect position for the ruthless slice of a machete. The cut would be almost seamless, over in an instant.
She blinked and the image evaporated.
Luna sighed, more irritated than distressed by the thought.
She was used to being assaulted by such imaginings. They had become a part of her daily life long ago. A routine element that, despite her best efforts, could not be discarded.
The first time she'd held a newborn baby after her Conclave, her mind had rifled through all potential fates. The hand that cradled that tiny head could easily be used to crush it, to smash skull against stone, obliterating bone and brain in one foul blow. Her little neck, so fragile, could be snapped like a rabbit's, or it could cave under the pressure of strangulation - she needn't apply much.
Luna had been horrified at the time. Had thought that such thoughts expressed intention, even desire. But she'd come to understand since then that her mind simply worked differently, that it had been fashioned that way, from the cradle.
Through how many lessons had she been instructed in the art of killing? The hundreds of ways to sever a person's life?
If she thought on it hard, she could give a number. But no thought was needed to know that, whatever measure sprang up, it would be outrageously high.
Luna was trained to understand the fragility of the human body - and to exploit it.
She felt the hard handle of the machete in her hand, the spray of blood against her face.
The pulse of adrenaline.
She breathed in, imagining the gentle invasion of a wave upon the shore - it came in, it went out
but it never stayed.
Her thoughts were the same. She needn't do anything to make them retreat - nor was there anything she could do. She just had to wait. Eventually, time would take them from her, lure them back into the depths from which they'd sprung.
Her hand unclenched.
It was an exercise in patience. And restraint.
Too often in the past, Luna had been compelled to act on other methods of suppression and defense in an effort to expunge them from her mind.
Some even worked.
But only for a time.
Always the wave returned, often more vicious than the last.
And her methods had gotten increasingly more reckless - and dangerous - to counter that.
It wasn't sustainable.
So, she found other ways.
In the end, acceptance was key.
To fight the thoughts only made them more determined - and aggressive.
Now, she let them come and go as they pleased.
It worked. To a point.
She exhaled, felt the darkness retreat, her nerves settling back into themselves.
Luna could change her actions and her beliefs, but even she hadn't yet been able to change her thoughts.
So she lived with them, and tried not to afford those thoughts any more attention than they already demanded.
Taking a moment to linger in the space between breaths, she expelled the familiar washing of guilt and shame before focusing her attention once more on Raven.
Her condition hadn't changed during Luna's brief lapse in concentration.
Steeling herself, she took a step closer, biting her tongue on the compulsion to flee, to keep a barrier of safety between them.
Luna had known she was sick and that it had been the reason why John was on 'Raven Sitting' duty for most of the day, whilst Abby and Jackson continued their investigation of her blood. Though, at this point, it seemed a futile endeavor - now that they knew nothing could be achieved on the ground, that they would make no progress without the anti-gravity environment space offered, what could they hope to come up with? - but they were trying nonetheless. Everyone was all too aware of the fact that if Clarke and the others failed to transfer all the barrels of fuel intact then their chances of saving humanity would be, for the most part, destroyed.
Which was exactly what had happened.
And now the mechanic was paying the price for that blunder.
She'd known Raven was sick and that she'd been having headaches as a result.
But she hadn't known what the sickness was.
Or that it was this serious.
Luna was honest enough with herself to admit that she hadn't wanted to know.
Now, she watched as Abby carefully examined Raven's limp form, running what she could only guess were a number of routine checks. She didn't like the thin crease to the older woman's lips, how clearly it betrayed her worry.
"What's wrong with her?"
What happened to Raven, the convulsions, she'd seen that before, in another.
It hadn't ended well.
Abby hesitated. "The process that removed A.L.I.E. from Raven's brain was. . . more crude than the process used for everyone else. It left code behind. And it's doing damage."
Luna didn't try to understand the details of what she was saying. Familiarizing herself with the technology in Becca's lab was proving to be something of a steep learning curve and it increased every day. Code, whatever it was, had yet to become a part of her curriculum.
Just as well. She had already decided that she didn't like it.
Not if it was doing this - whatever this was - to Raven.
The girl who had shown her kindness when she'd thought never to receive any again.
Placing that gun on the ground, releasing her chains. . .
It had shocked Luna - as few things could.
It meant something.
Raven's kindness had been offered at a cost to herself and those she loved. That made it even more valuable.
That Raven had told her the truth about Adria - knowing that such a thing might cause her to run - meant something. She had put Luna's right to the truth before the needs of her people - herself, even - and that wasn't a boon she was used to receiving from outsiders.
Nyko had been like that.
Derrick, too.
Lincoln had been. . . more fickle. His morality possessing a rigidness and compassion that most of their people lacked, but she hadn't always been able to predict his actions. He had presented her with kindness, though, when she'd needed it most, at great risk to himself.
Just as Nyko and Derrick had.
That brand of kindness wasn't something she'd expected to find in any of the Sky People, not after her introduction to them.
She did know, though, that Raven had desired a more negative reaction from her - likely as a form of penance, to brace the guilty thoughts cycling through her mind on repeat. Luna knew because she had once hungered for the same.
A punishment for what she'd done.
Tangled up in that need had also been a desperate thirst for forgiveness. Absolution.
Comfort.
The last Luna could and would provide, for as long as the other woman allowed.
But absolution? Forgiveness?
She could offer Raven her forgiveness but she doubted it would do much good. The person she really desired forgiveness from was no longer alive to give it.
Luna understood that as well.
In the end, though, forgiveness was something Raven would have to give herself. It would be nothing but fleeting otherwise. Especially because Luna suspected that the other woman wasn't so much struggling with what she'd done - it had been inconsequential in the end, after all, nothing she decided could have saved Adria - but her willingness to do it.
To make that choice.
To preserve the lives of others, even if it meant condemning a child to death.
Most people never even contemplated such a thing.
But, once you had, it couldn't be forgotten.
The knowledge lived inside you, a black stain that traversed a path across your conscience, tainting all in its wake.
Luna knew too well what it was to live with such a stain. And she'd been honest in her declaration that her crimes far outweighed the Raven's. That her darkness had been birthed from an even deeper abyss.
More than anything, she wanted to pull Raven from that darkness, to keep her from falling into it like she once had.
But Luna could barely keep back her own darkness at this point.
It was also becoming clear that there was an even greater threat that Raven needed saving from.
"How much damage?"
Abby said nothing.
But she didn't have to. Luna had seen that look enough times on the faces of others in her life to know what it meant. She had seen it on Abby's face when Adria's breathing had started to grow more labored, despite the administration of the medicine Luna had hoped, prayed, would be enough to save her.
It hadn't.
And she'd known it couldn't the second she'd caught the healer's eye, looking up briefly from her muffled murmurs into Adria's ear - she'd been trying to comfort her, but what comfort was there for a child in death?
She'd barely had the chance to live.
And when she'd looked at Abby, she'd known there was no hope left to have.
She lowered her gaze, focusing once more on Raven's face. She seemed peaceful enough, in sleep, and Luna hoped that was a sign that she wasn't in any pain. A rare mercy. "It's killing her."
Abby blinked, perhaps startled by her directness, but after a moment she nodded. "That's the fear. It's possible that if she slowed down, stopped putting greater stress on her brain, she'd be okay but. . ."
Luna smiled faintly, finally giving into the impulse to reach out, stroking a stray strand of hair back from the mechanic's face. "She won't slow down."
Nothing happened and she allowed herself to relax into the touch.
She didn't know Raven well, but she knew her better than the others here, knew her well enough to understand that she was an unstoppable force that possessed no breaks.
There were some species of shark that needed to keep swimming in order to breathe. If they stopped, they died.
Luna had seen it.
She suspected Raven had functioned in much the same way. Only now, her body needed her to do the exact opposite, to be still, to rest.
To survive, she needed to stop.
But that was against her very nature.
"No," Abby exhaled, resignation filling the lines of her face. "She won't."
"Is there anything else that could fix this?" Luna knew the answer even before she asked. But she had to ask.
There was still a part of her that was capable of hope, and Raven tended to ignite it in her.
Titus had said that hope was the last refuge of those who had already been defeated.
Those who had the power to secure victory, didn't need hope.
She felt his voice in her head now, mocking her. It had been many years since it had filled her thoughts so but in the last few weeks, it seemed to be on a mission to devour her.
"No," Abby sighed.
Luna's gaze blurred for a moment, before it focused once more on the unconscious woman before her. She felt that familiar sensation creep in beneath her ribcage, up into her lungs, surrounding her heart.
Even if her blood saved everyone, it wouldn't save Raven.
The one person she wanted to save more than any other.
Luna was going to lose her. Just like she'd lost everyone else she'd let into her heart.
Perhaps that was her punishment. For all she'd done. All she hadn't done.
"Luna?" Abby's gaze was concerned, a clear sign that she hadn't been able to keep the emotion off her face.
She focused on her breathing, forced that calm back into place.
Submerged herself in it until she couldn't feel anything at all. That wouldn't last and she knew it shouldn't, that in that direction lay danger. But for now, it was a saving grace.
She would break through the surface later and deal with the emotions that existed there.
But not yet.
She looked up at Abby, offering a small smile. "You should go and get some rest. I'll keep watch over her."
The other woman hesitated, gaze sliding to Raven. "I don't know. . ."
"I'll get you if there are any changes. Besides, I didn't finish giving my blood today." Luna had pulled the needle out when she'd heard the commotion with Raven and Murphy, and never returned to it. "So I have to stay up and do that, anyway. Now seems as good a time as any."
Though, what point there was in it, when their only plan for reaching space had been shattered, she didn't know. But it would be a relief to feel like she was actually doing something, that she was capable of giving help.
Even if it was an illusion.
This seemed to sway Abby enough for her to relent. "I'll go get the kit and set you up again, then."
She suspected the other woman needed that illusion as much as she did.
"And then you'll rest?"
The healer rolled her eyes slightly. "And then I'll rest." Those eyes narrowed on Luna a moment later. "Make sure you get some, too. And if you start to feel sick, stop. We've taken a lot already. More than I would, usually."
It was nothing Abby and Jackson hadn't already told her but Luna nodded, moreso to put the other woman at ease than anything else - she was no stranger to blood loss. "Goodnight."
Abby hesitated a moment longer, gave Raven one last brief look, before walking away.
Luna closed her eyes.
Ai giv ai op… Gon nemiyon… Kom lanik-de…
A/N: So, so far I've drafted flashbacks with Adria, Nyko, Lexa, Sol, Lincoln and Costia. No flashbacks with Derrick yet but we'll see what happens.
I really didn't think I would be able to write any flashbacks with Lexa but now I've ended up writing more flashbacks with her than anyone else lol.
