AUTHOR'S NOTE

This is my first ever finished fanfiction. M for later chapters.

I don't have a beta and English isn't my first language, so please be kind and feel free to point out mistakes.

I've already written the whole story, so I plan to upload all chapters one after the other.

To be honest, I didn't like The Affair much and found most characters boring. I started writing this because I really liked Cole and I was so pissed off that they treated him so terribly in the first two seasons. I was triggered that the baddies were winning; I didn't think Alison was worth all the fuss. So in this story the lead will be my original character Jade. The rest of the characters' personalities might be altered slightly, too - you know, to fit my agenda :P

I hope you enjoy it!


JADE

I was a 30 year-old woman; halfway to the end of my life if my family history is taken into account. I lived my whole life in Montauk like the five generations before me, except my time in NYU where I played with social sciences and experimental psychology.

From April to October, I waited tables at our family diner, Lobster Roll. It was tiresome to straighten out my older brother Oscar and at the same time pretend that I wasn't the one managing the place. Throughout the year, mostly in the winter, I did odd jobs at the Lockhart Ranch. They let me hang out with the horses ever since I was a little girl. So in return, I fed and brushed them, cleared out the manure. I arrived before dawn so I was in nobody's way, so they didn't mind me. I would have done it for free, still, $15 a day isn't too bad.

In my spare time, I wrote, wrote, and wrote till I got cross-eyed. I took all my frustration out of the white pages in front of me, as if I wanted to soil them with black letters, as if that would help me fill the void inside me. I didn't even have the courage to use my real name when sending out the stories, but they did tend to get published and they did bring some extra income. It definitely helped my investment account more than the Ranch did. I declined the job offers in literary magazines. Most of them required me to move into the city and interact with people. I'd rather die. They'd also ask me to be myself at all times. No, thanks. I write fiction for a reason.

So, outside summer time, I saw almost nobody, and almost nobody saw me. Not that they did see me during summer. I had a way to divert attention from myself. The ink that dyed the white pages had consumed my color and dimmed me into the background. It was all for the best to prevent heartache.

Today, July the 1st, after I finished braiding the Lockhart mare Bounty's hair, I was going to make my biggest mistake ever. I was going to break the heart of the love of my life. That is, if he spared me the time for the opportunity. The whole week I had cried my eyes out, trying to convince myself not to do this. But it won't do. I can't not do it. It's not in me; not anymore, not after all that I'd seen.


COLE

The day had started as normal. I abruptly woke up from the recurring nightmare of my son's lifeless body. I should say dream, because that was my only chance to see his beautiful face anymore. I looked to the side. Alison was sleeping peacefully next to me, mouth open ever so slightly. Of course she was; she had arrived home at around 3 am, thinking that she didn't wake me, wherever the hell she was coming from. I had stopped enquiring, as every question drew her away from me by one increment. That was fine by me. What is the unit of measurement for closeness between two people? At what quantity can one safely say, "We're not each other's anymore"?

I had loved her since high school. I had married her. I had had a kid with her. I had watched our child die. I had done everything I could for our recovery. In fact, I had done more for the recovery of our relationship than I did for my own mental health. Because Alison did not let me recover. Did not want me to recover. She punished me for taking time for myself. She punished me for smiling, having a good time. I got rewarded with sex every time I was visibly miserable, every time I gave in and cried, every two-day stretch that I didn't say a word to anyone till I snapped and hurt their feelings. But every time I needed support and understanding, she made sure to let me know she had it worse. That she was somehow more miserable than I was because she was a mother. When push came to shove, she competed with my agony by cutting herself, by threatening to leave me for good. Always a bargain, always a fruitless, stale chase.

Talk about diminishing returns.

It was clear that I wouldn't sleep any longer today. I looked at the clock; it was 5 am already. I decided it was as good a time as any to go to the Ranch, check the stables.

When I got there, I heard singing. The song was Cry Me A River. Can't be anyone but Jade. She always had the most beautiful jazz voice; she reminded me of Julie London herself. But I can't tell her that because compliments make her nervous. They always have. I remained hidden and listened until she cut the song midway and whined "I'm fucked, Bounty. I'm royally fucked. Just trample me now, please!"

I revealed myself. "And how will I explain your tragic death to Oscar?"

"Cole! Shit, you startled me. I'm sorry, I was just finishing. You're here earlier than usual."

"Couldn't sleep. I can't fathom why you believe you need to sneak around; you're more than welcome to be here as long as you wish. Especially if you're going to sing more." There it was, the blush. It never missed a beat. I smiled at her until her face dropped and she got serious.

"I was hoping we could speak for a while today."

"Sure, I haven't seen you even once since April. Hell, we haven't had a proper catch-up in years. You're like a ghost. Wanna go to the office?"

She looked at me with her ocean eyes, the same ever-changing tone as my own, with what looked like fear and guilt. "I was hoping we could drive somewhere. I'd need about 2 hours of your time, but we can't be here in Montauk".

"Two hours? Jade, what's wrong? You're scaring me. Has something happened with the horses?"

"No… just… Cole," she closed her eyes for a moment, sighed, and softly put her hand on my arm, "I'll have to ask you to trust me, OK? Do you have time or not?"

"Yeah, sure, I've got nothing planned." She looked worried enough, and she's not someone who'd act like this if it wasn't important.

"OK. I'll drive us to Maidstone Park."

During the drive, she was even more silent than usual, if such a thing can even be. I was vaguely surprised that her swollen bottom lip was still not bleeding from all the biting. She was holding the steering wheel for dear life. I decided to let her be; she was clearly deep in thought. We arrived at the beach in less than half an hour. Jade stopped the engine and stared at the sea, just starting to light up with the rising sun. Then, with determination, she exited the car and said "Let's go. Take the whiskey in the glove box with you." and started walking towards the sea. Once in the clearing, the wind angrily pushed her loose clothes to her side, hugging her delicate, petite figure. I sighed and followed her to the beach, whiskey at hand.


JADE

I sat down on the beach. The sea was beautiful. This time of year the wind wasn't too strong here, but it preserved a pleasant temperature. I waited till the love of my life sat next to me expectantly, and then I started speaking to the sea, not brave enough to look into his eyes.

"I brought you here, away from Montauk and in my own car, so that you can't escape from me. So that you don't act rashly and do something stupid." I dared to look his way. He didn't speak. "I'll be as brief as possible, but first, I want to apologize. I'm sorry, Cole." I cleared my throat, drawing lines on the sand with my index finger. I held my hand out to him for the whiskey bottle and took a swig for good measure before I worsened his already broken life.

"Last Monday, after a walk on the beach after closing time, I was going back to the Lobster Roll parking lot. Having seen a figure who looked like Alison, I walked closer with the intent of saying hi. As I neared, I noticed that one of the patrons of the Roll, a tourist from the city, was with her, behind the car." I stopped to steal a glance at Cole. His fists were closed tightly. "They started kissing. I left."

"That's it?" Cole said in an accidentally high pitch. He hoped for me to say yes. His knuckles were white. I had to continue. "No. Please, let me talk, otherwise I might not have the courage to finish. On Wednesday, Alison had the afternoon shift. The tourist came in with his wife and kids. Ali got the table. The guy went to the toilet. She went in with him and stayed there for a couple of minutes."

Before he had the time to react, I held his arm tightly to catch his eyes, to beg him to endure.

"I confronted her during her break. I told her that you don't deserve this. That this is a mistake. That she should re-evaluate her actions, this…betrayal. She got angry with me. She roughly pushed me aside and told me to get my big nose out of her business."

Cole said "Last night, she came home at 3 am."

I didn't let his brain do the math. "Last night, I was out, drinking. What I saw was eating at me the whole week. I was crying my eyes out, so I drove on without purpose. When I realized I was already at the edge of town, I sobered and circled back, passing by that famous author's house. The tourist is married to Butler's daughter. What can I say; I was suspicious and I slowed down. I saw them, Cole. They were having sex outside, on the author's Mustang. I was tipsy for sure, but there was no mistaking that it was them. I'd recognize Alison anywhere."

Cole stared at the sea with a blank expression. "Two days ago, we talked of having another baby."

I forced myself to ignore him. "Not knowing what to do, I honked my horn as long as I could, till they separated. Ali looked straight at my car. She had to have noticed it was me."

Cole said, "Two days ago she told me she loved me still. Then we had sex."

I soldiered on. I was determined to finish. "Cole, since we were kids, you have been the bravest person I've known. Sometimes irresponsively so. Please be brave now. I am sorry that you had to hear this from me, but I couldn't keep it from you."

"I'm glad you haven't," he said without emotion.

"Once she learns that you heard it from me, Alison will tell you that I am doing this because I want you for myself. That I'm lying to you."

Cole turned to me in disbelief. "What?"

"This has happened before."

"What has, Jade? Keep talking."