COLE

It was ridiculous. I had just flirted with her. What was wrong with me? I must be really out of balance. I didn't look her way for years, didn't even bother to talk to her, my once best friend, and now, the day she bestowed upon me the news of the worst betrayal I've apparently lived through, I was occupying myself by indulging. What a hypocrite I am. Jade doesn't deserve this. I owe her. She just said today that she used to be in love with me. So confusing and surprising. But I can't hurt her just because I'm confused, just because I am lost, have lost. If I even had anything to lose to begin with.

I lied down on the bed in fetal position, on top of the clothes she generously laid out for me. I moved the mp3 player from under me, jabbing my ribs. I needed to think about what to do with Alison, but I didn't want to. Jade… her presence really helped. She was truly selfless,a rare gem indeed. She had always been better than us. Effortlessly high class, no thanks to her family. It was foolish of me to let go of her friendship when she was pulling away. When she first started to erase herself from my life, from best friend to a stranger, I was too occupied with the life I was starting with Alison, so I didn't mind it because Ali filled my world. But I did feel Jade's loss, thought of her frequently. What would Jade think of this and that? Felt discomfort and guilt every time Alison mentioned her, mostly in underestimation. Over the years, whenever we came across, Jade pulled away after a light, carefully superficial chit-chat. Escaped and erased herself again, as if we never mattered to each other. She woke up before the break of dawn and left the Ranch before anyone could spot her. Could all of that have been to avoid me? Have I hurt her? I was honest when I told her how carelessness could break her. But her vulnerability was her inner strength.

Today, Jade made me feel less lonely than I've felt for years. Took me back to the times when I still had her strength and guidance, freely given. Jade always made me want to be a better person. Her strength was freely given again now. For what reason? I certainly didn't deserve it. What a pitiable situation it is that she's only here again to let me utilize her for my benefit. For me to use her selflessness to feel better about myself. Maybe I'll use her till she strengthens my ego enough to get Alison back, and then I'll ignore her for another 10 years like the fool I am.

That thought didn't feel right.

Thanks a lot, Ali, for all the lies. I wonder if you've already told that NYC cunt that you loved him. That you were his. That's how you got to me after all. I'm yours, do as you please. You put my hand on your crotch as you said that, and that helped. Jade would never love you. Can't you see her indifference? Can't you see I'm the opposite? Makes a guy proud. The hottest girl in school, in the whole town, sneaking into your room. Choosing you. Mouth always ajar, made for me to put my cock in, all mine, or so I thought. At first I even found it endearing that she belittled Jade to make herself look better to me. I wonder; who was the first person to equalize love and conquer? They were either Greek, French, or cavemen. See? Only a few hours spent with Jade and I'm already enlightened. Talking to myself as if I know anything about anything.

Alison had a way to occupy your whole life. You had to give her that. She made herself important because she thought she was. Made you care, otherwise you'd be sorry. She'd withdraw and push and pull like the moon, as she pleased, until you either adapted to her way and her way only, or got your soul beaten and bruised.

I wasn't doing well. Because I was getting angry. I wanted to be stronger than that. I wrapped Jade's blanket around myself and moved as silently as I could into her living room. She looked up from her computer and smiled at me, the white light reflecting off her face. I didn't smile back. With shame dominating me, I took two Valiums from her kitchen drawer, downed them with some water I slurped directly from the tap, moved silently back into the guest room, and closed my eyes to nap in her presence for the third time that day.


JADE

He slept for a whole hour and a half till I heard his mumbling. I thought he might be calling for me, but when I entered his room, I realized he was talking in his sleep, panting. A nightmare for sure. I could make out Gabe, Al, and please don't. Right as I sat down on the bed to wake him up, his eyes opened in fear. He sat up and held me tight, still panting.

"Ssssh, it's over, it was just a dream," I stroked his hair and drew circles wıth my palm on his back. It didn't take him long to recover and separate himself from me.

"Sorry about that."

"It's completely fine. Does this happen often?"

"At least twice a week. But this time Alison was drowning Gabriel in your tub. I couldn't move, I couldn't save him. Alison smiled. That's new."

"Oh, I'm so sorry." I was the one hugging him this time. "What can I do?"

"Just stay like this with me."

"You've got it." We hugged idly, lightly swaying until he broke us apart again. I stood. "I've been cooking lasagna, are you hungry? Come to the kitchen, I need to check the oven."

"I'm famished. I'll be there in a moment."

Cole indeed ate like he was recovering from famine and complimented my cooking six times with his mouth full. After dinner, he accepted my offer for a movie. I put on The Matrix because it was safe. We had seen it enough times to recite it from memory, including the day we saw it together after my mother died. We could afford to get distracted as the movie ran in the background.

While Neo was learning from Morpheus how humans were no more than batteries in the year circa 2199, Cole said, "I'm going to divorce her. I can't go back, I won't." He was staring at Neo, who was yelling in denial before he woke up to vomit. How fitting.

"Are you sure this is not a premature decision? Somewhat rash?"

"Why do you think so? The earlier I decide, the better."

"I think it's the reverse. If you decide now, you may delay yourself some pain, but that would be an illusion. You might disappoint yourself if you change your mind afterwards. You still love her and you haven't gained control of the situation yet. You haven't even talked to her. You can't act on my word only. That's one sided, and that side is neither of you two. I've got nothing to do with your relationship. What if I exaggerated? What if I mistook her for someone else?"

"Have you?"

"No. But the rest is true. Escaping from hurt by curtness will do you no good; that'd be like forfeiting your teeth because you're afraid to visit the dentist. You need to face her when you're ready and soon, then live through the consequences, then make your final decision. Who knows; you might take her back."

"I won't. You're speaking like you want me to."

"I am doing no such thing. It's not my place to sway you towards either decision. But you do love her, don't you?"

"I don't know. I think so. But something is certainly dead."

"Well, the pain is still new. An abrupt cessation to future plans. Don't make a decision till you figure out what that dead thing is, or else it might start rotting inside you."

"Thanks for the disgusting metaphor. I'll talk to her tomorrow. She works mornings on Mondays. Are you still up to coming with me?"

"If you'd still want me there tomorrow, yes, of course. In these situations it's recommended to meet at neutral ground."

"I'll text her to meet me at The Crow's Nest. At 2 pm."

"Huh, I never thought you'd utter the words. Don't you hate that place?"

"I think this conversation is worth a $10 beer, don't you?"

"Ditto."

The rest of the evening, we made a huge pot of tea and caught up till midnight, till my eyelids felt heavy.


COLE

I was more nervous than in my wedding day. Oh, the irony. I had texted Alison that I wasn't going to be home that night and that I wanted to take her out for lunch. She had gladly accepted.

Jade was watching me pace in her living room as patiently as she could, but I could see the exasperation in her eyes. She had to almost dress me up herself because I couldn't think straight. She ended up telling me what to wear for time's sake, not that there was a lot to choose from. The socks she bought for me felt great on my feet while pacing. Fuck, I really couldn't think straight.

As if she could read my mind, Jade said calmly, "You'll improvise, Cole. We've been through this. I'll repeat again. Make sure to ask her open questions, don't put words in her mouth, listen well, take your time to think before replying, don't take things personally, and establish facts rather than rely on your feelings. It's clear to me that you shouldn't trust them."

"Thanks for the vote of confidence."

"I'm right about this. Facts are your only friend on this island."

"OK, I'll try. The island is long and full of terrors." I couldn't believe I was joking.

"Allow me to stop you when you're straying from the plan. You'll understand when, even though I might not talk at all. Don't fight me, trust me to be fair and neutral, despite my bias towards your well-being than hers. If you want this conversation to remain mature and level, you have to be the source of that. Trust yourself to do your best, too."

"I can't thank you enough for being here. Otherwise I might have been braking things right now."

"We'll see. Let's go. It's time."