A/N: sorry this is so late, guys. I've been trialing a new medication and it's really throwing me for a loop.
I know that at least one of you saw this chapter coming ;)
[Trigger Warning: torture (that we saw in canon)]
I was still water, held by my surroundings. I am now a river, carving my own path."
- Scott Stabile
The Fleimkepas had taught Luna how to fight, how to kill - how to lead.
But they had never taught her how to survive on her own. They had impressed upon her the inherent loneliness of her duty, of the isolation that would one day surround her heart. But there had been no need to prepare her for physical loneliness. For a life without people.
She was natblida. If she survived to become Heda, she would never have a life without people. Her life would be her people.
And so, there had been no need to teach her to survive on her own, for she would never be expected to. It was true that, emotionally, a Commander must be alone. But, physically, being alone could never be an option.
And if she never became Commander, well. . . she wouldn't be alive to be alone.
(one of death's few mercies)
Needless to say, this had created problems for Luna after her Conclave, when she had outgrown the limits of Nyko's sanctuary. Whilst the healer tried to teach her as much as he could before he abandoned her to the mercies of the world, there was a lifetime of knowledge that could not be packed into mere weeks. She knew he had been reluctant to let her go for that reason - among others - but she had outstayed her welcome. Luna knew from the moment she became aware of herself and her surroundings, of the unceasing horror that she must now make her reality, that she could never stay with Nyko.
It was too dangerous. For him. For his family. For Lincoln. And for his village.
It was too dangerous for Luna as well, who knew it would be wise to put as much distance between herself and Polis as possible. As much distance between herself and anyone who had ties to the capitol, or even the faintest understanding of its workings.
All in all, it would be best to distance herself from people entirely, whatever their affiliations.
To survive, she would have to be alone.
More alone than even the Commander.
It shouldn't have been so daunting. After all, hadn't she made herself alone the day she killed her brother? Hadn't she sacrificed love and companionship for the sake of survival?
It should not have been so difficult to do again.
But it was.
Luna soon found that she and solitude were not at all favorable companions. Far from it.
The memory of that time hounded her now, stoking a growing unease at the prospect of what she was soon to face, if everything failed, as it was likely to.
The loneliness Luna felt at that time in her life would be nothing compared to what awaited her.
But she wouldn't think about that. Not now.
Not with Raven's grumbles in her ear as she grudgingly waded into the water after her, grimacing at its icy temperature. She stumbled a bit on the uneven terrain and Luna held out a hand, hoping she would take it. Reluctantly, the mechanic accepted the offer, allowing the Grounder to guide her the rest of the way into the river, retracing the steps Luna had already taken and knew to be safe.
Once they'd stopped, Raven's hand remained in hers for a breathtaking moment, its owner forgetting the need to retreat. But then she cleared her throat, ripping the limb from Luna's grasp and rubbing it awkwardly over the back of her pants.
Luna smiled, and set to work.
The first time she had gone fishing, she'd fashioned a scoop net from a branch. She'd bent it over into a circle, fastened it together with some hemp cord and then ran about, collecting as many spider webs as she could to form a 'net' around the wooden circle. By the end, she'd managed to capture almost a dozen minnows in a nearby stream.
This was back when she was still on her own and struggling to figure out how to survive without the people and resources that were once so readily available to her. Though Luna's creation had been rudimentary - not nearly as efficient or refined as the tools she would go on to make - it had worked. Her belly had been full for the first time in months but, more importantly, she'd felt useful again. Like she was capable of more than just fading away into some forgotten existence.
She could do things.
She could make it.
But this small seed of pride did nothing to overgrow the gaping loneliness in her life.
Even if she could survive on her own, she hadn't been sure that she wanted to.
Luna wondered how it was that, all these years later, she was facing that same dilemma again, and that the answer still remained elusive to her.
No, that was a lie.
Luna knew the answer.
(she'd found it years ago)
She just didn't like it.
Not that it mattered. Odds were that she'd be forced to face it, one way or the other, whether she liked it or not.
As it turned out, Raven's fears about falling in were not unfounded.
Luna was in the process of scooping another fish into her net when she heard a yelp. Looking up with wide eyes, she was just in time to see a large squawfish dart between Raven's legs, too big to be subdued by the toxin - and looking more than a little miffed at the current state of affairs. Startled, the mechanic jerked away, her foot sliding across slippery rocks.
The fall was inevitable.
Heart catching in her chest, Luna abandoned her net and sprang forward, catching Raven just as she toppled towards the water's surface. Still somewhat weak from recent events - and the gratuitous blood draws - she wasn't wholly prepared for the weight of the other woman and she'd forgotten just how slippery river bed rocks could be.
Her right foot wavered a horrible second before giving out under her.
Raven yelped again as they crashed towards the water, Luna having just enough time to ensure that she took the brunt of the fall.
The icy stream hit her like a slap, enveloping her form, rising up around her like a punishing fist. She felt it clench shut, trapping her as the air in her lungs fought for release.
She couldn't let it escape.
She needed it.
She couldn't-
There was something heavy on top of her, though the weight was alleviated by the water, the water that was now rushing through her hair, forcing its way into her ears, her nostrils.
She gasped and the merciless liquid cried its delight, gushing into the last vestiges of her that had remained untouched. She croaked, thrashed with all her strength, certain there were hands on her head, driving her down, though in the darkness she couldn't see.
Something seized Luna's arms and she jerked away.
No.
No!
Derrick was beside her, beneath her and she felt the shuttering rise of his chest as she held her hand against it, as if that could somehow urge his life's blood to retreat, flow back along the path it had taken, back into him. As if she could undo the damage of plunging a knife into his heart.
No.
What had she done?
Not again.
This couldn't be happening again.
What had she done?
Sharp nails dug into her upper arms and, once more, she tried to squirm free but they were too persistent for that. In the next instant, she was being wrenched up, her face breaking the surface of the water as icy air smacked her skin.
She knew, if she opened her eyes, Derrick would be there.
But he wouldn't be Derrick.
Not her Derrick.
He would never be hers again.
"Luna!"
She flinched, startled by the feminine voice.
It didn't belong here.
Luna didn't know how she knew that, but she did.
Soft hands cupped her face-
(warm, rough, masculine hands, cradling her, holding her, these hands could never hurt her - oh, but they had, they had. . .)
These hands didn't belong here either.
"Luna?"
She opened her eyes, a young woman's face swimming into view and she wondered at the distress she saw there.
Who-
"Raven?"
Life is like the river, sometimes it sweeps you gently along and sometimes the rapids come out of nowhere."
― Emma Smith
Raven's eyes squeezed shut as she felt gravity assault her and the next thing she knew, water was folding around her body, rushing through the useless barrier of her clothes and freezing her blood.
Jesus fuck!
This was a terrible idea. A horrible idea. The worst idea ever to be idea-d.
And she was going to laud that over Luna until the end of time - or until they all disappeared in a fiery blaze, as was set to happen any week now. Lucky for Luna, she wouldn't have to put up with Raven's ire for very long.
But God this was cold!
She winced, grateful that the other woman's body had taken the brunt of the fall and her own was only partway submerged. Raven's face and shoulders had been spared, at least, and the muscles there were singing their relief.
She tried not to notice how soft Luna's body was under hers, the way her curves slid against Raven's, lubricated by the water.
Her skin tingled.
So. . . this is a disaster. But, you know, not a total loss.
(God, she was going to hell)
Grumbling inwardly, Raven opened her eyes, relieved to find that the world still looked pretty much the same, even if it was from a different angle.
Have trees always been this tall?
She was knocked out of her stupor by violent squirming and splashing beneath her.
Luna.
Right, she should probably get off her now. That'd be the polite thing to do. Even if it was Luna's fault that this had happened in the first place.
Although the real blame lay squarely in the fins of that stupid fish that attacked her. That thing had an attitude on it, which Raven might normally have been able to respect if said attitude hadn't been directed at her.
The body under Raven jolted and, still somewhat dazed, she looked down in confusion. She expected to be met by soft brown eyes - hopefully appropriately apologetic and full of contrition - but was startled to find rippling water instead.
What the fuck?
Why hadn't Luna come up yet? Raven didn't think she was that heavy.
Okay, best to move off just in case.
If you drown the natblida messiah, Raven, you'll never hear the end of it.
Awkwardly, she moved herself off the other woman, landing with an ungraceful splash beside her. She waited but Luna didn't rise. Instead, Raven noticed her movements becoming increasingly more frantic, even desperate.
Eyes widening, the thought occurred to her that maybe Luna couldn't get up. What if she'd gotten caught on something, something that was now holding her down?
Shit.
Raven grabbed the arms before her, which were just visible through the water's murky surface, and pulled. Only to be met with resistance. Her brow furrowed as Luna jerked away.
What the fuck?
Undeterred, Raven reached for her again, tightening her grip this time and heaving Luna up, ignoring her desperate protests.
The Grounder gasped as she broke the surface, though it quickly devolved into choking as she proceeded to hack up a disturbing amount of river water.
Shit.
Raven stared, wide-eyed. Did she just nearly drown Luna?
The other woman's eyes were still closed and even through her coughing, she continued to twist away from Raven's hold. Horrified, the mechanic let go. But she couldn't take the distress he saw there, the panic, and lunged forward once more, this time seizing her face.
"Luna!"
She flinched back, trying to squirm away and Raven wondered if she should allow it. The last thing she wanted to do was increase her panic. But she also didn't want Luna to hurt herself, or run the risk of falling back into the water.
"Luna?"
Raven cupped her face more insistently, relieved when at last she opened her eyes.
They were watery and glazed, lacking recognition, but they were open.
"Hey, you okay?" Raven asked, the words feeling utterly useless on her tongue - not to mention, inappropriate.
Of course she's not fucking okay.
Luna stared back at her in confusion, as though she couldn't quite place Raven's face or her reason for being there.
How much water had she swallowed?
She stroked her thumbs over the crest of Luna's cheeks, trying to ease away the trembles she felt there. Finally, comprehension seemed to dawn in the other woman's eyes and she let out a shaky exhale, leaning forward into her touch.
"Raven?"
The mechanic sagged in relief, unconsciously leaning into her, skin beginning to vibrate under the force of Luna's shaking.
She must be freezing.
"What was that?" Raven asked, keeping her voice soft but unable to help the edge of franticness to it. "Did you get caught on something?" Her hair was pretty long - and plentiful - maybe it had snagged on a branch or stone, gotten trapped?
Or some other asshole fish had come along and decided to partake in a game of tug o' war.
God, that must have been terrifying.
And Raven was too busy being aroused to fucking notice. She clenched her jaw, wishing she could wrench this stupid attraction out of her and hurl it into space.
Luna said nothing, just breathed in stops and starts as though she couldn't quite command her lungs to work again.
Or maybe she'd hit her head when she went down?
Shit.
"Did you hit your head on something?" Raven asked, hands darting from Luna's face as she moved to examine her head, or what parts of it she could see.
If she was injured, what would they do?
They were a pretty long distance from the lab. She didn't like the thought of making Luna walk that far in order to receive Abby's attention - especially not with a head injury - but Raven liked the thought of going to get help and leaving her here alone even less.
Luna closed her eyes again, letting out a shuddering breath. "No. I'm fine."
The weakness of her voice made that somewhat disputable and Raven continued her search. Head injuries were fucking dangerous. She'd seen people die from the most innocent of knocks.
Hands caught her wrists. "Raven, I'm fine."
Luna's gaze was steady when the mechanic allowed their eyes to meet again, but her hands still shook.
"Your head okay?" Raven had to be sure.
Luna nodded.
"Okay," she breathed out, relaxing a little. "Did you get caught on something?"
Luna said nothing, which she took for assent.
Raven winced. "Sorry I landed on you." And then trapped you under the water, very nearly drowning you.
Not her best moment.
(Murphy could never hear of this)
Hands squeezed Raven's arms a moment, the grip nauseatingly weak. "That was the intention. And not in any way your fault." Luna's smile was too tremulous to be comforting. It fled as the Grounder turned her head, looking around them. "But I think we should probably get out now. Before we freeze."
She was still shaking, so not a bad idea.
Instinctively, Raven drew closer to Luna, rubbing her hands up and down the other woman's arms in a poor attempt to return the heat that had been leached from them. Touching Luna had always been a volatile experience, the charged sensation so intimidating that Raven both craved and feared it. She felt none of that conflict now. Her panic and concern were too consuming.
Goosebumps skated against her fingertips as she continued to rub.
Luna was freezing.
But then, so was Raven now that she took the time to notice.
"Wait, are our fish okay?" she glanced about her, zeroing in on the two nets now floating innocently downstream.
Shit.
"We should probably get on that."
Luna sighed.
A/N: so I mentioned earlier that I'm going to need to take a break from this fic, and I'm thinking now that it's most likely going to be around the 34 chapter mark. So still quite a while off but I wanted to give you guys a headsup.
