COLE
By the time Jade and I finally informed the drug source at the docks that Scotty wouldn't be dealing anymore, I was beat. We were nearing midday and it was already 86 degrees out. The humidity was ridiculous.
"Jade, I need to be submerged inside a body of water within the next 10 minutes, or I'm going to die. I'm completely done with this shit."
"I never took you as one for drama."
"Oh, you have no idea what I'm capable of in times of idleness." I was serious.
"I'm sure I don't. Let's drive home and catch a swim. There are no tourists there, the beach is all ours."
"What are we waiting for?"
On the drive to her cabin, I noticed that Alison's existence didn't occur to me since yesterday. I didn't have any nightmares of Gabe the last two nights, either. I slept like a baby despite all the hassle with money and drugs. I didn't feel lonely. No dark clouds. When I looked in her mirror, I couldn't find dark circles around my eyes. I caught myself in her car's side mirror and I was smiling.
Jade just called it driving home, and I accepted it, as if the word naturally included me in it.
Last night, when it was time to call it a night after the family dinner, I had jumped into the car with her to go to her home, as if we had made a wordless pact that I'd stay with her. I was just noticing that. My family had learned about Alison's lover, so I didn't have a reason to stay with Jade anymore. Yet, I followed her then, and I was following her now.
I stared at her while thinking of all this.
"What's with you? Are you memorizing my face or something?" she joked, not realizing that she hit the mark.
"It's nothing. Drive faster."
"I'm going over the speed limit. Your impatience will kill you one day."
I was always whiny and naughty when I was with her, playing the spoiled brat out of habit. Wanting to snuggle like a cat. Play. Laugh. I didn't behave like this with Alison before or after losing Gabe. I was always the stoic head of the family with her, always on edge, always serious, always hiding.
I noticed a lot of things during this short drive.
While staring at Jade, I noticed that she did not get crows' feet around her eyes yet. That her naturally dark, long eyelashes increased the depth of her smart stare, like godgiven mascara. I had never seen her with make-up even during my wedding ceremony, but her cheeks had color. I'd always loved that. Her lips were a natural shade of dark pink. Plump with slits on each side, broadening her smile, making her look warmer. Her nose was straight and long; her biggest insecurity during puberty. It fit her face perfectly. She was right; I was memorizing her face. I was looking at a very appealing woman. Beautiful, in fact. I I'd always been aware of her perfect figure. Breasts larger than expected for her short stature, a tiny waist the width of my hand, descending into shapely, lush hips, all of that usually hidden by comfortable, loose clothing.
I jumped out of the car as she came to a stop and I rushed to her side. I grabbed her wrist, pulled her out, and started to run towards the sea with her in tow, leaving her no choice but to follow.
"What the hell, Cole, eager much? At least slow down or I'll fall!"
I responded by stopping abruptly, causing her to bump me. She frowned, annoyed. I grinned at her, lifted her on my shoulder, and continued to run. I threw her like a ragdoll as far into the sea as I could and jumped after her, both of us fully clothed.
She resurfaced with a gobsmacked expression and a tint of a smile. "What's got into you today? You're acting like you're at an end-of-the-world party!" She wiped seawater off her eyes and puffed water off her nose. Cute.
"What if I am?"
"Then…" she paused as I took my shirt off. "I'm happy to oblige, because I'm beat too and the sea feels great, but I'd still like to know what's going on. In the car, you were looking at me strangely."
She suddenly looked into my eyes and frowned. "You're leaving, aren't you?" She was good at figuring out what I was thinking from the way I pondered, but she misinterpreted it. "Will you go back to Alison or the Ranch?"
"I called a local lawyer yesterday and gave her the brief version of events with Alison. The divorce papers will be ready soon. It'll be an easy one."
She barely nodded. "OK, the Ranch, then."
"No. Look..."
"Caleb?"
"No, Jade. That's just it. I don't want to leave." I wondered what she'd say, but she quickly submerged herself into the sea instead of reacting, disappearing from view. She came out 10 feet ahead.
"Don't go, then. Stay."
I grinned again. "Really? You don't mind me?"
She dove in again. This time she came out at the shore and got out of the sea, her wet clothes sticking on her.
She raised her voice just enough for me to hear her. "I don't want you to go." Then she walked away. I bet she had no idea that this time, I wasn't going to let her run away from me.
JADE
If I spoke one more word, looked into his beautiful eyes one more second, the game would be up. Really, what color were they today? Always different. They should fucking decide whether they're green or blue. Hi, Elton John; have you heard? I'm in love with him.
He was being especially cruel today. What did he mean, I don't want to leave? I was fully prepared to let go of him at the Ranch yesterday, yet, the moment I got up to leave he started to say goodbye to his family, as if on cue, and came home with me as if it was the most natural thing in the world.
I couldn't take it anymore. I walked home from the sea, instantly regretting my honesty.
"Hey!" he called behind me. I didn't look back so I could pretend that I didn't notice him catching up to me. I took the keys from my car's ignition and fumbled with them to pick the correct one. I was feeling his piercing eyes on me. Waiting patiently for once.
"What, Cole? Stop staring at me!"
"Are you angry with me for wanting to live with you, angry with yourself for not wanting me to go, or are you angry because you told me you don't want me to go? Pick one or all. I'm waiting. Give me those, for fuck's sake", he snatched the key chain from my clumsy hands and easily picked the right key to open the door.
"I'm not angry," my shoulders fell. "I can't talk right now, I'm too wet."
"You're lying."
I caved in, staring at his chest. Where was the law against men going topless in public? "It's the latter, OK? I shouldn't have told you."
"Why the hell not?"
"Because you'll soon realize that Alison was right."
"About what, Jade?"
I walked into my room and closed the door.
"About what? Hellooo?" He knocked, tapped, kneed the door. Then he stopped.
"Come out or I'll come in."
"Don't you dare! I'm getting dressed!" I only had my wet underwear on.
"Well, that got you going! You have 10 seconds till you make yourself presentable. One… Two…" I believed him, but he didn't count further. I heard him briefly enter his room, probably to dress, then he left the house.
What was I doing? Talk about self-fulfilling prophecies. Because I was terrified of rejection, I was pushing him away. I guess I could act like an adult only when I was solving others' problems.
I was defeated. There was no running anymore or I would upset him. I probably already had. He had enough problems as it is. Fuck. I had to go to him before he got too far.
I threw on a sundress, skipping underwear. As soon as I left the house, I let out a breath of relief. He was standing barefoot in the beach, facing the sea. I walked towards him.
COLE
I heard her when she was a few steps away. I didn't turn.
"I thought you were going to invade my room. What happened?"
"I suddenly didn't have the energy. I realized I can't compete with you if I don't know which game we're playing."
"It did look like a game, didn't it? I'm sorry I'm such a coward."
"Whatever it is, you won't win. Not by acting like this."
"I know."
She stepped to my left side, leaned her cheek on my arm and linked both of her arms into mine. She was trembling but she found her voice anyway.
"I've been trying to hold it back but I can't. I never could. I don't know why I expected a different result this time round. I thought your friendship would be enough. Well, it's not. It'll never be enough." She swallowed and looked up at me. I got excited but I didn't want to frighten her, so I kept my eyes on the horizon. "I have never been able to get close to anyone enough to start feeling something for them. My body rejected it like a mismatched organ transplant. I really tried, you know. Tried dating women, too. They just weren't you. They didn't see through me like you did, they didn't smell or smile like you, so I gave up on them. I had to let you go much earlier than that anyway, so I hid away, writing and writing, because I had nothing else. I was ready to die a hermit, haunting your life's periphery, knowing where you are but never letting you see me. Until a week ago."
She took a big breath and slowly exhaled. "That's what Alison was right about." She let go of my arm and moved in front of me. I finally caught her eyes. They sparkled defiantly. "I wanted you to love me instead. I was angry with you for letting her break your heart, because I would never treat you like she did, as if you aren't objectively the center of the solar system." She smiled at her silly exaggeration, but then shook her head seriously. "It's so tragicomical; now that I finally have you so close to me, I can't bear it. I want to scream at you, order you to love me, but at the same time I want to disappear."
She came closer and leaned her forehead against my chest. I instinctively placed a hand on the back of her neck to safeguard her proximity. "Being close enough to touch you turned out to be much harder to handle than the simple knowledge that you're afar, existing somewhere. When I look into your eyes, I burn up. When I touch you," she placed her palms on my chest on either side of her head, "I feel like I will faint. I can't live like this. I can't breathe. I know it sounds dramatic, but it is what it is. If I have you close to me any longer, I will love you freely, and I will not be able to let go again." She put her arms around me and squeezed herself close. I placed my other hand on her hair, stroking it as she continued. "I'm sorry for making your life even more difficult at this tough time. I had promised myself that I'd be a shoulder for you to lean on, but instead I am a stalker in your midst. I feel like it's sinister to want you so much, like I'm deceiving you when all you need is a friend. Well, I am not your friend, Cole. I love you. I'm sorry." She shrugged in my arms.
The depth of her feelings excited me, but her despair was heart-wrenching. I really hoped she would understand me. Forgive me for not reaching out to her although she was in my thoughts, for not disclosing to her how important she was to me. Leaving her desolate while I was so lonely myself. What a waste of years.
It was time for me to clarify that. I made a move to lower us onto the beach and we sat cross-legged across each other. "You give me too much credit when you say I see through you, while I've obviously been blind as a bat. Maybe it is much too little and too late, too arbitrary, or too weak and spineless of me to say this, but if I knew a fraction of how you felt, I would have left Alison before any of this happened. I might have run into your arms when we let Gabriel die, just like when my dad died. Hell, I might not have been with her in the first place. I know this to be the truth, because I thought of you so often. Whenever I was conflicted, I tried to imagine how you would react, what you would do before I made a decision. I thought of our relationship before you retreated, unconstrained and natural. I regretted that I was too chicken to tell you how much I loved you when it was the right time. There were so many right times and I remember each of them. But now you were gone and I had accepted that."
She looked mystified. It was clear she thought I erased her from my mind just because she stopped talking to me, just because I had Alison. "I was very lonely, Jade, and I thought I deserved that because Alison made me I feel like I did. I thought you left me because you hated me, because Alison told me you did. This is not an excuse or even a plausible explanation, blaming her like I had no control over my own actions. I'd be lying if I told you I didn't love her. But it was never whole, sensible, fitting into place like when I had you in my life. When I loved you. Yes, I was a kid then; maybe things would have soured by now if you and I had been together from the start. Who knows. All I know is Alison was never you either. No one can be."
I looked at her earnestly. "Knowing you, I bet you'd rather see this as an insincere attempt to make you feel better, rather than the truth. That'd be much easier for you, wouldn't it? Because then you can justify running farther away from me. You talk of the hurt of being close enough to touch me. Has it occurred to you that maybe I'm going through similar confusions, finding you back in my life after so many years and learn that it's just so you can protect me? To defend me and give me strength like you never left? How pleasing and heartbreaking it is to realize how easy and organic it is to be with you? How we fit each other like lego pieces? I can't fathom how you believed I'd ever dismiss your feelings. What have I done for you to think that? Have I ever pushed you away? Warned you not to get close? I don't think I'd ever be capable of breaking your heart more than you broke it yourself. I can sympathize, but more than anything, I'm pissed at you. If I hadn't trapped you in your room, if I was too chicken to admit I wanted to stay, you wouldn't have said a word to me for another 10 years, I'm sure of it. That's a fault, a mistake, a character flaw, Jade. Emotional torture."
Through my tirade, she was motionless like a rabbit in my headlights, like she'd be hunted if she moved. But her rebuttal was ready.
"You're right, you haven't done anything deliberate to make me feel like this. But it wasn't in my character to put myself between you and Alison. You chose each other. You loved each other. You were bound forever by love and tragedy. She's the mother of your poor little baby. It got harder and harder for me to open up as years went by. So I opted to prevent my feelings from affecting anyone else but myself and my writing."
"I think you're romanticizing me and Alison because the information you have is incomplete. I chased her for years, because she blackmailed the attention out of me. Because she threatened to leave me as soon as I stopped chasing, as soon as I paused to take a breath. After a while, one gets manipulated into the warped belief that constant struggle, bargaining, and competition is passionate love. That your relationship is stronger than other couples', that you love each other more, because you are never boring, when in fact your relationship is eventful only because you're always on edge, exhausted, or deliberately hurting each other. You think having sex is equal to being happy together. I misdefined love for such a long time; I romanticized my marriage the same way you did. Especially after Gabe died. But I need to get better, get healthier. I already am. You didn't come between me and Alison then, but what about now? I'm right here and I'm telling you I want to stay with you. What's the problem?"
"The problem is that it's too early for you to speak like this."
"Come on Jade, you can't brush off all I've said with one word. Nor can you decide for me what I think. That's unfairly dismissive. Our past is allowed to affect you, but not me?"
She thought about it and nodded in understanding. "You're right. I'm acting like this because I'm terrified. Since I first brought you here, it felt like you should be here with me. I confessed to myself I wouldn't object if you never left, no matter what happens."
I tried to explain. "During our talk with Alison a couple of days ago, I saw her for who she is, and the love I thought I felt collapsed like a house of cards. But I didn't crumble, because I was strong enough with your hand in mine. Such a simple gesture, yet it helped me find my grounding, go beyond my usual emotional outbursts. In the meantime I got a chance to see you under a new light, too. You were determined, capable, efficient, wise, trustworthy, and that managed to improve my life quality in only a few days. I felt better, emotionally and physically. Last night, I followed you home like a kitten, not noticing it'd make more sense to stay at my own family's house. But coming with you felt so natural, felt right."
I paused for a second.
"I'll pull you closer now, and you can't do a thing about it. I won't let you."
I held her knees and awkwardly turned her sideways on her ass, and trapped her whole body between my arms and legs. She finally let go of her tension and leaned against me like a sack of potatoes. She turned her face slightly towards my neck and took a deep breath; she was smelling me. Serenity. I smiled and kissed the top of her head. "While I was staring at you in the car, I was thinking about all this, in awe of the enthralling, alluring woman you've become. Some women's allure is sex. With you, that'd be an understatement." I traced her jawline with my thumb. "Sex wouldn't do you justice, although I bet you'd feel really, really good under my hands. You already do." Her breath hitched. I smiled again. "But you'd need to be savored, cultivated, attended, known, memorized like a mantra. Then fucked."
