[Trigger Warning: suicidal thoughts. More implied than anything but I figured a warning was needed just in case]


"You're still here." Luna blinked in surprise as she opened the bathroom door into the bedroom, revealing one very awkward looking mechanic perched on the tip of her bed.

Her stomach flipped and she hushed it.

Raven looked up, the discomfort plain on her face. "Uh, yeah. I just thought, in case anything went wrong and you still needed help, this would save you making a naked dash from your room over to mine. Murphy does not deserve to see that."

Luna chuckled a little, ducking her head. "Well, thankyou. That was very considerate."

Though, a part of her suspected it wasn't the real reason Raven had elected to stay behind. She'd been odd during their encounter earlier, maybe because of what had happened down at the river. She knew the tumble had shaken her, perhaps almost as much as it had shaken Luna. Unsurprising when the Sky Girl had showed such nervousness around the ocean's edge the first time they had ventured out together. If Raven couldn't swim, then finding herself submerged in foreign waters must have been alarming.

Perhaps she needed the reassurance of company.

Or perhaps Luna did and she was merely projecting.

She hadn't been lying about her befuddlement with the shower controls and had needed the help - though she was confident she could have figured it out eventually (Luna had always been resourceful). But her stomach had also been rocking back and forth since the river, rising and falling and threatening to expel its contents. When she'd approached the shower at first, the bile inside her had risen so high, she'd fled the room.

Seeking out Raven had been an excuse. A way to pull herself from that sickly sensation, the turbulent memories that had made themselves known with nauseating clarity - and breathe.

Raven helped her breathe.

Perhaps that was why Luna was so pleased by the sight of her now. Still here, still close. . .

She won't be for long.

Luna withdrew from the reminder, even though she knew she shouldn't.

Ignoring the sharp brevity of Raven's lifespan wasn't likely to do her any favors. But she still couldn't make herself bear witness to it.

Not yet.

Luna went to massage the unsteady material around her hands, only to find empty skin. Right. Her gloves had been abandoned with the rest of her sodden clothes.

For a moment, she considered reaching out and taking Raven's hand instead, running her fingers over the band that encircled her wrist, soothing herself to the sensation of the other woman's warmth, tangled in with the rise and fall of aging threads.

But she couldn't.

She'd noticed Raven getting increasingly uncomfortable with her touch. Had made an effort to ease off as a result. Control herself.

Had failed more times than she could count.

(shamefully, Luna could admit that there were times when she'd allowed herself to fail)

Mostly, she'd taken to contenting herself with the briefest of touches. Those seemed to provoke the least amount of reaction.

No hugs.

(which anyone who'd known her would attest was quite a feat)

She'd always been contact seeking. Ever since she was a child. Had always used it to soothe her, even before she understood that was the intention.

But Raven wasn't like Derrick or Adria. She certainly wasn't Sol or Costia, who had reached out for connection just as ceaselessly as she'd sought it. There'd never been any barriers between them, no boundaries enveloping their skin that needed to be minded. But Raven was different. Luna couldn't just touch her whenever the urge arose, not when she knew how uncomfortable it sometimes made her. Raven was more like Lexa - if only in this - and, like with her childhood in the very beginning, Luna had to be cautious with her caresses, lest she risk overwhelming her completely.

It was unfortunate because she liked touching Raven. She liked it a lot.

(too much)

But this wouldn't be the first time Luna had denied herself the things she liked. That brought her pleasure. Happiness. She had more than enough practice to manage.

Luna clenched her hand and held it still.

She could have told Raven the real reason for seeking her out earlier. Anyone else and Luna would have stated her needs plainly, but she didn't think the other woman was ready for that. Had an inkling she might just run in the opposite direction, if she thought Luna might need her for anything other than her brain. If all she needed was Raven herself, nothing more and nothing less. Raven: not doing anything but being there.

Luna had just wanted to hear her voice.

The way she couldn't hear the voices of anyone else who still mattered to her.

Kara.

Raven was becoming more and more of one every day.

Dangerous. Unwise. Undoubtedly so.

But Luna couldn't resist leaning into the weight of her as she pulled her down.

In a way, she needed that.

Thought she might let the water to take her otherwise, flow with it, allow it to drag her anywhere it wanted to go. In the past, that wouldn't have been a problem. She would have happily fallen into the motion, trusting herself enough to be carried.

But now. . .

Now Luna didn't know where the waters of her life were taking her. More to the point, she didn't know who she'd be at the end of it all, when she finally came up for air.

Luna couldn't trust herself now.

Not with the way her thoughts and feelings had been.

Not when she could feel that rage clawing inside of her, carving out piece after piece of her heart.

She thought she'd grown accustomed to her anger. That it could no longer upend her.

She was wrong.

So she needed an anchor.

Just for now.

Just until she could trust herself to be carried.

Just until she could breathe on her own again - and she did not think her gloves up to the task.

But Raven seemed to be.

She also appeared to be vibrating, ever so slightly. Weighed down by waterlogged clothes, clinging to her skin in a way that could only be uncomfortable. Not to mention cold. Unlike Luna, she hadn't seized the chance to wash up.

Frowning, she opened the door wider. "Come in here."

Raven blinked. "What?"

"You're freezing." There was a little too much scolding in that and she could remember countless times herding Adria into a warm bath, the child's skin icy after hours of swimming - she never listened to her warnings about the frigid temperature in the winter, seemed almost oblivious to the cold; a supernatural trait inherent to most children. "It's warmer in here. Come inside."

The steam of her recent shower filled the room and she'd discovered that there was some kind of heating contraption that turned on whenever she flicked the light switch. It would be a step up from her bedroom, at any rate.

Though from the look on Raven's face, she might have just asked her to march into Azgeda itself undefended. Still, the mechanic rose to her feet, reluctantly edging towards Luna - perhaps she hadn't been entirely successful in washing off the smell of fish?

She resisted the urge to take a sniff of her hands, which appeared pristine in the bathroom's harsh light.

Just to check.

"If you're sure. . ."

"Of course." Her brow furrowed at Raven's continued reticence and once she was close enough Luna took her hand, gently pulling her inside.

She released her once the task was accomplished, still mindful of her boundaries when it came to touch. Raven crossed her arms as Luna turned away, stepping briefly outside the door to swipe the pile of clothes she'd left on the bench, and returning to the bathroom. Luna's mouth twisted a little in distaste as she set the haul on the counter. She'd retrieved them from one of the drawers in the bedroom and, apart from the fact that they smelled like they were a hundred years old, they were white and shapeless - nothing like what she was used to wearing. But her own clothes were still drying by the fire and were of no help to her now. These odd ones would have to do until tomorrow.

Luna laid a hand on them, noting that they were soft and likely comfortable at least. Her nerves couldn't stand abrasive material and with the way her senses seemed to be lighting up like a ceremonial pyre whenever they pleased lately, she didn't like the thought of putting anything against her flesh that had the potential to feel like blades.

Unwrapping the towel from her body, Luna allowed it to fall - halting at a yelp behind her.

Brow furrowing, she craned her head to see that Raven had spun around, hand thrust over her eyes. She could just make out the sound of more than a few muffled swears - some of which had been absent from Luna's lessons on Gonasleng.

(tilting her head, she mentally added them to her vocabulary)

After a moment, the swearing died down but Raven's back remained firmly turned, her spine rigid.

Skaikru were such odd creatures.

Modesty was something Luna had discarded long ago. As a child, she and the other novitiates had often changed in front of one another or shared baths. It had been slightly different for her as an adult. Not because of her age but because of the people she now found herself in the company of. A nightblood's body was sacred and only a select few could be granted the privilege of viewing it in its wholeness: healers; devoted servants; kampa; other nightbloods; and, of course, the Fleimkepas.

But Luna had left behind such rules when she'd left behind her sacred duty.

(a daunting yet freeing revelation at the time)

She'd learnt, living among Floukru, that such modesty was out of place. Nudity was but a part of life and nothing to be ashamed of or hidden. Over time, Luna had adjusted to this way of thinking, so much so that she'd forgotten there were other ways to be.

But, clearly, Skaikru had a different view of things.

"It's nothing you don't have yourself," Luna commented, light amusement coloring her tone as she pulled the silky top on.

Raven let out a strangled noise.

She was hastier with the pants, deciding to take mercy on the poor woman after the day they'd had, and exhaled, unwrapping the towel from her hair. It fell in delight, free at last from its restraints.

A grumble reached her ears, "Can I turn back around now?"

"You didn't have to turn around at all, but yes."

When Raven shifted reluctantly back to face her it was just in time for Luna to catch the end of an eye roll - she bit back a smile.

She knew that the other woman got a certain thrill out of irritating her and Luna couldn't say that she took no pleasure in returning the favor.

Raven narrowed her eyes, not missing this tell of amusement. "Well excuse me if my people don't usually flash each other on the regular. Unless you're Octavia - but she's a breed of her own."

Luna ducked her head, cheeks hurting with the effort it took not to grant her smile free reign. "Then I apologize. For the assault on your sensibilities."

Another eye roll and then Raven was approaching her, leaning back against the counter so she could crowd closer to the heat emanating from a device there. "God, you're annoying."

Luna wasn't sure how but she hummed as if in agreement, thinking she should probably let her have this one victory. "Are you still cold?"

She ran a hand over Raven's arm to check for herself and the mechanic froze. Cursing herself for the misstep, she pulled back, satisfied at least that some of the goosebumps had disappeared from Raven's skin. Though Luna noticed after her retreat a few more rising to attention. She resisted the urge to return, to cover those arms and drive the goosebumps from existence. To chase away the cold.

Raven bit her lip like she was struggling with something. Something far more than the cold. If only Luna knew what. Perhaps then she could help.

She was good at reading people. Always had been. But there were aspects of this woman that remained inscrutable to her. Luna didn't know if she found the challenge refreshing or disquieting.

For the most part, it grated at her. The realization that, in times like these, she was powerless to help. To understand.

Luna wasn't used to that powerlessness. To not knowing the right thing to do, to say.

She always knew what to say.

Her training had made sure of it.

Raven shook her head in answer to her earlier question. "No. I heat up quick."

"Good."

The thought that the other woman could be enduring any amount of suffering because of her was distressing to say the least. She never wanted to cause Raven pain. Never wanted to hurt her.

(she would of course.

Luna always ended up hurting the people she cared about. The people she loved - though she hoped Raven wasn't quite among those ranks yet.

She hurt them. Or she failed them.

There seemed to be little alternative)

Luna swallowed, fingers skating to her wrists again, searching for what wasn't there. She thought to touch her necklace but that had been discarded too. She hadn't worn it in days, the weight of the shell growing too heavy, the past clinging to it like a searing thorn, but she hungered for it now. The necklace had been her anchor long before her gloves, though most days now it hurt too much for it to be of any use in that regard.

Still, Luna itched to touch the pendant. To check that it was still whole, when nothing else was.

She would retrieve it once she left the room.

Maybe that would quiet her mind.

(or simply sharpen the screams)

In the past, Luna would have welcomed such thoughts inside. Opened the door to their persistent force and sat with them for as long as necessary, until such time as she could find a way to challenge their existence. Those that couldn't be defeated had to be accepted. Allowed to flow freely through her until her feelings around them reached a calm. A peace.

Then they would slip away. Back into the night.

The dark.

She didn't have the strength to sit with those thoughts now. Knew they would only consume her if she did. Devour her.

Luna had been devoured before. Swallowed whole and submerged in the darkness.

(she didn't care to repeat the experience)

She felt no calm now. No peace.

Instead, she felt like she was teetering on an edge: black hole expanding beneath her feet, sucking her in.

She could let herself fall. So easily. Too easily.

(the fall was always easy)

It would be quick.

Barely a breath.

But the climb out would be the hardest of her life. Perhaps even insurmountable.

(if she even found the will to try)

Luna could let go. Relax her grip and let her fingers slip.

But she didn't want to hit the bottom. Wasn't prepared to.

Not yet.

Because when she did. . . when she did and the climb proved impossible. . .

Luna knew what option would be left to her then. If she didn't want to stay in the darkness. Couldn't bear to stay.

(the single option that always remained, never leaving)

The option that couldn't be an option.

She lived only because Nyko was dead. Because her brother was dead.

So she couldn't let go.

Absent anything else, Luna pressed her toes into the hard tiles, the chill of them against her heated skin snapping her back from the black hole created by those thoughts.

But they still lingered in the background. They always did.

And she knew they would find their way to her once again.

Luna was good at running. Always had been. Even before her Conclave. But there were some things even she couldn't outrun. No matter how hard she tried.

And this was one of them.


"Life, an ocean, keeps pulling your anchor down

Deep in darkness and you can't hear a sound. . ."

- Hold on to Me by Valerie Broussard


A/N:

Me, everytime I go to write this fic.

Raven's POV: horny and snarky

Luna's POV: hello darkness my old friend

In my defense, it is REALLY hard to write a lighthearted chapter from Luna's POV given all that she's recently been through and is currently dealing with. With Raven it's easier because she's had a little more space from her grief and she also tends to push all of her pain aside, whereas Luna is more likely to let hers wash over her.

My brain seconds before posting this chapter:

'I have more angst to add'

'no. no you do not.'

'yes, yes i do'

'you mustn't'

'i must'

'I hate you so much right now'

And that ladies and gentlemen is how we wound up with like 300 more words of angst. We're back in Raven's POV next chapter tho so it shouldn't be so bad.