Raven's cheeks still burned furiously from the brief glimpse she'd gotten of Luna's naked backside in the instant before she'd spun around. She could only pray to God the other woman didn't notice.
Knew the chances of this were minute.
It was just so damn frustrating!
She'd seen plenty of people naked. Well, maybe not plenty but still. Enough. And it had never bothered her.
Not that a naked Luna bothered her. . .
Raven closed her eyes. Fuck.
This was ridiculous.
It was a good thing she'd decided not to try and bring sex into their relationship. At this point, Raven would probably end up passing out before they'd even gotten properly started. Or she'd freeze and wind up just staring at Luna the whole time, gaping like a fish.
How embarrassing.
Raven liked to think she was good at sex. She'd certainly never received any complaints. And she'd prefer to die knowing her reputation was intact, rather than decimated beyond recognition because she'd fainted at the sight of another woman's tits.
So. No Luna.
Well, not no Luna, but no naked Luna. Naked Luna bad.
Wouldn't exactly call her bad. . .
Don't you start!
Oh God, she was losing it. This was worse than hallucinating spacewalks. Which would actually come as a saving grace right about now.
Come on, seizures, hit me up!
. . . nothing.
So rude.
You'd think after making her life a living hell they could at least get her out of a hot mess.
Forcing those thoughts - and her humiliation - aside, Raven focused her attention once more on the woman in front of her, who thankfully hadn't seemed to notice her mortifying levels of unchecked horniness.
She watched as Luna smiled somewhat ruefully. It was a contrast to the lightness she'd seen on her face only seconds earlier. Sometimes, it seemed as though her moods changed as quickly as Raven's own.
It made for confusing conversation.
Like now.
What were we talking about again?
Something about being cold. Which was most definitely not a problem for her right now. In fact, they might end up having to get Abby in here - because Raven was becoming dangerously close to collapsing from heatstroke.
(which, whilst embarrassing, would have the benefit of getting her out of this situation if her fucking seizures couldn't deign to oblige)
"I'm sorry that today was less than enjoyable. It wasn't what I had planned," Luna murmured.
Was that what she was worried about?
Raven snorted. "Even you can't control stupid fish. I actually had an okay time - you know, before the near drowning."
Certainly the most interesting date she'd ever been on.
Not that it was a date.
Nope, no siree.
Just a platonic outing between two women and their fish nemesis.
She really needed to get laid.
Maybe Clarke would. . .
Nope. Best not to go there. Too much history. And so much of it bloody.
Luna rolled her eyes and Raven's heart skipped a beat (because apparently she could make even eye-rolling look attractive, go figure). "Neither of us nearly drowned. That water was barely up to our knees. Sky People are dramatic."
"Sky people? Have you seen Grounders?"
Her eyes danced. "You say that only because of your encounters with Lexa. She had a penchant for theatrics."
Not just Lexa. Practically every Grounder she'd ever come across. Raven was pretty sure it was written into their DNA. "Uh-huh."
Still, today was. . .
Seeing Luna in that river, how lost to Raven and the world she'd been, the violent trembling that had met her touch. . . that wasn't theatrical.
It was terrifying.
She'd only seen Luna scared once before. That moment when she and Abby had woken her up and, for a split instant, she'd recognized them as enemies rather than friends.
Or Raven supposed 'allies' would be a more appropriate term. Especially at that point in time.
She hoped they'd evolved beyond that now, though. That they were at least circling the boundaries of friendship.
(decided not to ruminate too long on why she hoped for that)
Raven hesitated, not sure if she should push that line of questioning. Ah, to hell with it. "The other day, when we woke you up, you looked scared."
"I was."
Raven blinked, forever startled by Luna's simple honesty when it came to her emotions, how easily it seemed to flow from her.
The other woman's determination to wear her heart on her sleeve was a complete antithesis to Raven's own way of operating.
To be honest, it kind of terrified her.
A part of her wanted to scream at Luna, 'What the hell are you doing?' and hide that heart away so no-one could ever hurt it.
But that wasn't Raven's choice to make.
If making herself vulnerable or whatever was what brought Luna peace then who the hell was she to question that?
Still, the woman could stand to be at least a little more careful. As in, not presenting that heart on a silver platter to people like Murphy - you know, the ones that were likely to shoot you in the back when you least expected it. But if that was a concern of Luna's, it didn't show.
Or, well, that wasn't exactly true. She knew Luna kept at least some things to herself - had been made uneasy by it in the past. Just not as many things as Raven would prefer.
She was in a conflicting position of wanting to know everything there was to know about her - and equally wanting to protect Luna from ever being fully known.
From being hurt.
Because that's what happened when people knew you. Really knew you.
They had all the tools necessary to carve out your heart and smash it to smithereens. A full understanding of what made you weak, and what could break you.
Hell, they didn't even have to try and break you. Finn's betrayal had hurt so much more not because he'd used those tools against her - he hadn't - but because he was the only person she'd trusted enough to hand them over to in the first place. She'd trusted him with the most fragile parts of her.
And it hadn't meant a damn thing.
It wasn't a kind of power Raven ever wanted to give to someone else. Not again. Nor was it one she was comfortable with anyone holding over Luna.
She'd been hurt enough.
And Raven. . . Raven couldn't guarantee that she wouldn't end up being just another person to add to that hurt.
Another Finn.
So, yeah, a part of her hoped that Luna would stop hurling at her the tools that could so easily be used to break her apart.
She didn't deserve that trust.
(wanted it anyway)
Raven swallowed, returning her thoughts to the path of their conversation. That shitshow of a wakeup call.
What had made Luna so afraid of them in that moment? They weren't that scary. "Why?"
Luna shrugged, adjusting her new shirt - which looked terribly out of place on the Grounder. There wasn't anything wrong with the clothes per se, they just weren't, well, Luna. "When I was a child, sometimes the Fleimkepas would attack us in our sleep."
Raven stared. "You're kidding."
Another shrug. "It was meant to make us more alert, ready to defend ourselves at a moment's notice but. . . it doesn't make for peaceful nights."
Raven swallowed, remembering the unconstrained terror on her face when she'd snapped awake.
Shit. "Sorry."
She shook her head. "You didn't know." Luna smiled at her, though the action was somewhat muted. "It makes sense, I suppose. Assassins have sprung upon Commanders in the middle of the night before, when they're at their most vulnerable. We have to be prepared for that. We can't ever be caught unawares."
Raven doubted that had brought much comfort to her at the time, or even now. She wondered how many things Luna had been shackled with as a consequence of her training as a child, how many scars she bore that were unseen. Things that were meant to aid her but had instead become little more than a burden, a weight to drag her down.
Raven had learnt more than a few things growing up herself. Things she'd needed to get by, to survive. To protect herself.
And she knew more than a few of them had held her back in life. Continued to hold her back.
But fuck if she knew how to discard them. Or if she even wanted to.
Luna sighed, turning away. "I wonder if Lexa continued the practice. It obviously didn't serve the novitiates that Ontari killed very well." She glanced back, spying Raven's questioning look, "Nyko told me she killed them in their sleep, their training should have prevented that. But perhaps she was just skilled enough to remain completely undetected throughout the slaughter. Enough so that even their training couldn't wake them in time."
"Maybe," Raven agreed noncommittally. Personally, she didn't think a bunch of kids could stand a chance against someone so clearly older and stronger than them, no matter what training or precautions had been taken.
It was unlikely Ontari had needed to employ much skill at all. Especially not if she'd taken them on one by one.
Whether she'd been able to avoid waking them or not, whether they were able to respond to the attack on instinct or had been paralyzed by the residues of sleep, they would still have been defenseless.
They were just kids.
Same as Luna had been.
Once upon a time.
Not helpless, exactly - Raven was doubtful Luna had ever been helpless a day in her life - but still. . . vulnerable.
Certainly no match for the likes of Ontari.
"They were only kids."
Luna's face was hard. "They were nightbloods. They didn't have the option of being anything other than that."
Raven winced internally at the coldness of that remark.
The harshness was unusual, coming from her. Dispassion - it wasn't an emotion she'd ever associated with Luna.
Raven suspected that she probably overestimated their abilities.
And her own.
That she was unable to see her childhood and anything to do with it through unshaded eyes.
But Raven didn't have that problem.
All she saw were kids.
And a woman who'd stopped being one far too soon. Just like Raven.
(Titus and my mum are probably exchanging parenting tips in the afterlife as we speak. . .)
Raven frowned, decided not to push the subject. Doubted it would reap any positive results. And there was something else that she'd rather direct her energy and attention towards.
The little midnight surprises dished out by the Flame Keepers certainly explained Luna's reaction the night they'd woken her without warning. She'd thought she was being attacked. Understandably. But why the hell had she possessed that same look when Raven pulled her out of the water? She wasn't attacking Luna at the time. No-one was. Nor had she been asleep in the seconds before.
Something had happened in the river. Raven just didn't know what. Likely she'd been right in her guess that an object - or naughty fish - had caught Luna's hair, held her down.
That would scare anyone.
Still, the explanation didn't sit quite right with her, and Raven didn't know why. It seemed plausible enough.
Maybe she was just too used to everything having a catch, a hidden backside that would swing up and hit her in the face if she wasn't careful. But sometimes things were exactly as they appeared.
Sometimes people got stuck underwater and nearly drowned.
And sometimes the overly compassionate woman you've been thrown into saving the world with really is just as genuine as she appears.
Right.
No-one was a hundred percent genuine. No-one.
Raven hesitated. "Are you sure you're okay? That little dip in the river wasn't exactly fun."
"No, it wasn't." Despite her words, Luna's mouth quirked slightly. "And while it's not something I'd care to repeat anytime soon, there was no harm done in the end. Though I can say it's a relief to finally be warm again. That river was freezing."
Fuck yeah, it was.
Still, the response somehow failed to satisfy. Raven hesitated. "You know, you were under that water for quite a bit. Must have been scary. I'd understand if you weren't okay."
She prepared herself for more denials, perhaps even an acidic retort - as Raven would have given, if the statement had been directed at her. None came.
Instead, the words seemed to almost amuse Luna.
"Raven, I haven't been okay for weeks." Her lips lifted in a humorless smile. "This is just. . . more of the same."
"Right." Well that should have been fucking obvious. Raven felt guilty for pushing. She hated when people pushed her.
Though she was struggling to understand how getting trapped underwater could qualify as 'more of the same'. Had Luna been falling into rivers with any other people lately? Cos if someone else had committed the major faux pas of nearly drowning her then Raven would really like to meet them. You know, to share in the humiliation of it all.
A hand touched hers for the briefest of moments, almost too quick to feel, and Luna's smile turned more genuine. "I appreciate the concern. Really. And I was feeling a little shaken, but right now I'm alright." She paused, her lips drawing further up. "You help."
She did? "How?"
Luna shrugged. "You have a relaxing presence."
"Said no one about me ever."
That smile again. "Relaxing to me."
Okay, now she knew Luna wasn't okay. There was a screw or two loose somewhere in there. Maybe three.
Raven narrowed her eyes. "You're a little weird, you know that?"
Luna's nose crinkled as her smile grew a moment. "It's been said."
"Oh yeah, by who?" She would not punch them, she would not punch them. . .
Unless it was Murphy. Then she'd be grateful for the excuse.
Luna's eyes creased. "By someone, I'm afraid, even cuter than you."
Raven's heart gave a little skip. Is she implying that I'm cute?
Wait, no. Don't get ahead of yourself.
It's Luna. She probably means fluffy-and-adorable cute. Not-come-over-here-and-let-me-rip-your-clothes-off cute.
Not that it mattered either way.
Not that she cared.
Raven cleared her throat. "Alright, who's my competition?"
I will not punch them, I will not punch them. . .
Luna's smile turned somewhat wistful. "Adria."
I. . . most definitely will not be punching them.
"Oh." Her heart deflated. Right. Of course.
Definitely fluffy and adorable.
What the fuck was I thinking?
Clearly, she needed help. A lot of it.
Okay, moving on. Moving on fast.
Distract, distract, distract.
Raven scrambled to turn the discussion around from her rising embarrassment, reaching blindly for an alternative topic.
"Are you sure you're okay?" Luna blinked. "I mean, I know you're not okay in the general sense. And I get that. But you said that right now you're alright. And I'm wondering if you were just bullshitting me."
The way I'm bullshitting myself out of this conversation.
"I wasn't 'bullshitting' you, Raven."
The answer was gentle but firm. Highly believable. Not even a trace of hesitancy.
Raven wasn't convinced. She didn't think Luna was lying, per se, but she also got the sense that she was withholding more than a little truth.
Not that it was any of her business.
After all, wasn't she just complaining about Luna wearing her heart on her sleeve? If she wanted to tuck it away now, who was Raven to halt her efforts?
She was about to drop it - really she was - but Luna seemed to read the lack of belief on her face.
"I know you think something happened in the river. And you're right. But it's not something I'm ready to talk about yet."
Somehow, having her suspicions confirmed didn't bring her any relief. Raven desperately wanted to ask more, to probe into the depth of it all, if only so she'd know how to help.
But she wouldn't.
She knew too well what it was like to be pushed past the point of comfort, forced over the edge and somehow expected to land on your own two feet. People always pushed, regardless of the consequences.
Raven refused to do that to Luna.
"But you're alright?" She couldn't ask about the river but she could make certain of this.
Luna smiled, the action weak, weighted with exhaustion. But still true. "I'm alright."
Chewing her lip, Raven shifted somewhat awkwardly to her other foot, forgetting the pain this action would cause. Wincing, she shifted back. "It's just. . . you really scared me."
Where the fuck did that come from?
Maybe all that river water had made her drunk. Or killed off what was left of her poor brain cells.
Raven couldn't remember the last time she'd tried this hard to talk about feelings - her own or otherwise.
It itched.
"I know." Luna dropped her gaze. "If I die, the chances of making nightblood are almost nonexistent."
Wait a damn second.
Raven frowned. "That's not what scared me."
Luna blinked, looking up. "Oh?"
She opened her mouth, hesitated.
There was a knock on the door and they flinched, though she noticed that Luna's was noticeably more pronounced.
'A little shaken' my ass. She was at earthquake levels of shake.
Woman looked about ready to jump through the goddamn roof.
Murphy poked his head in, hand over his eyes. "Before you yell at me, I'm not looking - I don't need to see whatever kinky shit you two are up to in here."
Raven rolled her eyes, unsure whether to be annoyed by the interruption or relieved. "For God's sake, Murphy. You're such a guy."
He ignored her, somewhat predictably. "Just wanted to ask if we're planning on having any of that fish tonight? Because if we are, I'm going to need Luna's help - I don't know the first thing about cooking these slippery little shits. Or how to do it without stinking up the entire house."
Luna looked down, cheeks pulling into a smile. "I'll be right out, John."
Raven groaned, raising her eyes to the ceiling. "Throw them in the fridge and let the woman rest. We can have them tomorrow."
But Luna shook her head. "No, they'll taste best fresh." She looked to John. "Leave out nine for dinner tonight and put the rest in the freezer for later."
"Aye Aye, captain." He saluted somewhat sarcastically - but did not leave them in peace.
Raven turned from Murphy, deciding that if she couldn't see him then he didn't exist, and sighed. "But it's so nice and warm in here."
She was not ashamed to admit that it came out as a whine.
Luna smiled at the near pout she knew must be marring her face now - Raven was too cold and tired to care. "You don't have to leave. But I should get going." She reached out to squeeze her wrist briefly. So briefly Raven didn't even have time to flinch. "Stay. Have a shower yourself." Luna's nose wrinkled. "You still smell like fish."
She squawked. "Why are you being mean to me when Murphy is right there?"
Luna just shook her head on a chuckle, exiting the bathroom.
(and Raven's heart did not fall at the sight of her leaving)
Murphy, however - ever the bane of her existence - lingered behind. "So she can hunt, cook and save the world? Next thing you'll tell me is she does the dishes. Gotta say, if you don't marry her, Emori and I will."
Oh for fuck's s-
Raven slammed the door in his face.
Such a guy.
She sighed, glancing around the empty room. It was then that Luna's offer fully caught up to her - and what it would entail. Showering. Naked. In the shower Luna had just showered in. Also naked.
Yeah no. Better just use her own bathroom.
This day had already been troubling enough without having to contend with that.
Hopefully, in the future, Luna would find it within herself to remain fully clothed in her presence.
(Raven steadfastly ignored the fact that a part of her was disappointed by the prospect of this)
