A/N: so you've probably guessed by how slow updates are in coming that my health is still getting worse. My cognitive function has deteriorated so much and is only continuing to do so. Which is. . . honestly the most devastating thing that's ever happened to me. I'm getting by because I still had a lot of drafts for chapters in this fic that had already been proofread a fair bit. But I'm worried about what's going to happen when I get to the chapters where the drafts are REALLY rough or nonexistent. My good days now are what my bad days used to be and they're only happening 1-3 times a month. Given that each month is worse than the last it's very worrying. I hate that this happened just when I started writing a lot again. I have so many plans for this fic (and others) and 200k worth of extremely rough draft scenes that might end up going to waste. Illness has taken everything from me but I never thought it would take my ability to write. Honestly just praying for a miracle at this point.
I want to thank you all for the comments you leave. They mean so much to me, especially during these times.
"Where's Luna?" Murphy asked.
He was currently sprawled across the couch, legs flung over Emori's lap, as he lazily bounced a ball back and forth off the ceiling.
Thump.
A ball that was steadily grating away at Raven's last nerve.
"Went to see Abby."
Their conversation in the kitchen had apparently served as a medication reminder and she'd excused herself once she was done fixing up the herbs. Still reeling from the sensation of Luna's lips against her skin, Raven had opted against returning to the lab with her and hidden herself away in the loungeroom instead, determined to get some work done.
Something that would have been oh-so-much more more achievable if the couple from hell hadn't invaded her sanctum not ten minutes later.
To add to the migraine-inducing thump of Murphy's ball, Emori had given her a rather significant bout of nausea when she'd opted to hike up her boyfriend's pants in order to use one of his legs as a canvas - Raven could have gone to the grave without ever seeing Murphy's hairy calves. As it was, she really hoped this was a memory one of her seizures ended up deleting from her brain.
"Everything okay?"
"Yep." Honestly, Raven didn't fucking know. All she knew was that Luna sure as fuck didn't look okay, no matter how impressively she presented herself to the contrary.
"Not that we'd know if anything wasn't. She doesn't let all that much show," Murphy commented, apparently sharing her thoughts. "Well, not unless she wants to."
He wasn't wrong. Raven had been oblivious to Luna's condition until she'd actually pointed it out to her. Oblivious to a lot of things. "It's a cool trick."
Raven wished she had it too.
"That's one word for it."
Thump.
Raven grit her teeth against the sound. "What would you call it?"
"Unsettling as fuck." Thump. "I mean, ever notice how hard it is to get a read on what she's thinking? Not like you, for instance," Murphy gestured at her vaguely, not taking his eyes off the ceiling. "Your thoughts and feelings are written all over your face."
She scowled.
Thump.
"Which is what makes it so bizarre that she hasn't caught on to the fact that you have a massive hard-on for her."
Raven's hand clenched around the tablet in her lap. "I do not."
Biologically impossible for one thing.
"You do," Emori said, not looking up from the patterns she was drawing. They were starting to venture a little too far up Murphy's leg for Raven's comfort, his pants inching higher and higher towards nightmare territory. "It's embarrassing."
She gaped.
Thump.
"It's true, you're an open book. Luna on the other hand. . ." Murphy paused, eying the ball as he turned it over consideringly. "You know, I'm pretty sure she gets off on being all mysterious.
Raven rolled her eyes. "She does not."
Okay, so privately she'd thought the same thing but Murphy could never know that.
"Uh huh." He peered at her, unconvinced. "Have you ever had a conversation with her?"
"Many more than you."
Still, whether she got off on it or not, that didn't discount the fact that Luna might just be the most mysterious person she'd ever met.
Raven could only touch the surfaces of her, had no hope of glimpsing the depths bellow - not unless Luna revealed them to her.
Through some strange paradox, she was closed in being open. As far as Raven could tell, nothing she showed, she showed without intention. She chose what people saw and when - including her pain.
Perhaps that was simply a means of control. In a life that had afforded her so little.
Raven could more than understand that. Might just grasp at it herself if she had the skill.
(which, according to Murphy, she very much did not)
Actually, she could only recall ever seeing Luna utterly without restraint on three occasions - when she'd witnessed the deaths of Adria and Nyko, and the river. There'd been no control then, no artifice.
No purpose.
It was Luna at her most genuine.
Which was an odd conclusion to come to, when for so long Raven had admired her artlessness. But there was a precision to her every emotion, her every word, her every tell.
The things Luna revealed may be honest and utterly without deceit, but they were not spontaneous. They were not free of intention or control.
It unsettled Raven slightly because if everything she saw, Luna intended her to see, then how much did she miss? How much did Luna keep hidden? Down deep. . . below the surface. What thoughts swirled around in her head that she forced back into the darkness, refusing them the breath of light?
Her honesty, her vulnerability wasn't an act - but it wasn't natural either. Wasn't raw.
Raven had never seen anything like it, and she wondered whether Luna was aware of the contradiction or if it was entirely unconscious.
She could always ask.
Would undoubtedly get an honest answer - whether or not she'd be able to understand that answer, though, was another matter entirely.
Sometimes Luna dressed her words up so much, so beautifully and so enigmatically, that they were impossible to pick apart with any concrete certainty. Sometimes, they had so many different layers of meaning, trying to land on the correct one was nothing more than an exercise in frustration.
She wondered whether that, too, was purposeful.
An intentional means of subterfuge.
Control.
Or maybe it was just. . .
Luna being Luna.
"Lexa was kind of like that too, you know?" Murphy scrutinized the ceiling. "Mysterious. Maybe they take master classes in it is as little nightbloods."
"Only on Thursdays."
They both jumped as the subject of their conversation breezed into the room, a light smile pulling at her lips.
"And I'm afraid the details of those classes must remain a secret for all time."
Luna took a seat on the opposite couch, leaning back gracefully, and Raven half expected her to wink - she didn't, but it had to be a near thing.
Murphy snorted.
Jesus, how much had she heard?
Fuck, fuck, fuck.
"We were just. . ." Raven searched around for an explanation.
Luna raised a brow. "Talking about me?"
"Murphy was. I've actually been doing something useful." She held up her tablet in indication. "You know, trying to save all our asses."
Luna nodded, cheeks pulled taught in a very obvious attempt not to smirk. "Of course."
She certainly didn't seem like she'd overheard Murphy shooting his mouth off about shit that wasn't true.
No, she appeared to be enjoying herself far too much for that.
Raven breathed a little easier.
Though that breath caught in her lungs when Luna leaned forward, brow edging up. "Should I be offended by the fact that you don't consider talking about me to be a worthwhile use of your time?"
"Uh. . ."
This felt like a trick question.
"Raven thinks you get off on being mysterious."
She whirled around. "What? No, I - that was you!"
"Was it? I don't recall."
Thump.
She was going to snatch that fucking ball and throw it out the goddamn window if he so much as said another word.
Raven's hand clenched around her tablet, considering the merits of chucking it at his head.
"Neither do I," Emori hummed, adding another spiral to Murphy's calf.
Raven glanced down at the only weapon she currently had available, considering her options - and the very tempting target posed by Murphy's head.
In the pros column, it might just shut him up for a goddamn minute.
In the cons. . . well they did have a rather limited supply of tablets.
And Luna would probably frown on it.
Being a pacifist.
Sighing, she turned back to the woman on the couch, noting the rather obvious look of bewilderment plastered across her face.
(Raven definitely didn't find it cute)
"'Get off'?"
Well, shit.
She fumbled.
This was one definition Raven did not want to get into.
Emori apparently had no such reservations. "Fap of."
Luna's brows flew into her hairline. "I don't. . ."
"Get off? Well, that's sad."
Emori smacked Murphy's leg, though the little smirk on her face made the rebuke somewhat ineffective. "Behave."
"Impossible."
Emori ignored this, still smirking as she returned her attention to Luna. "It's Sky Person slang," she explained. "Means you get a high off it. Or really enjoy it."
"Oh." Understanding sunk in, though she still looked somewhat bemused when she turned back to Raven. "Your people have very. . . unusual terms for things."
Raven stared. "I didn't come up with it."
"Mm." Luna's expression showed nothing as she took a sip of the foul-smelling drink currently in her hand-
Only to grimace and glance down at the glass as though it had personally betrayed her.
Raven forgot her embarrassment, amusement pulling at her lips.
"So," Murphy threw the ball up."Do you?"
Thump.
Luna wrinkled her nose - again, not cute - setting the glass aside. "Do I?"
"Get off."
"Murphy!" Raven hissed as he received another smack, this one a little sharper than the last.
"What? This is a safe space." He smirked somewhat wolfishly.
Luna narrowed her eyes, the scolding altogether ruined by the somewhat playful gleam in them. "Somehow I doubt that."
"Oh, we're all friends here," Murphy folded his arms behind his head, grinning slowly, "aren't we?"
"I want to kill you," Raven deadpanned.
"See?"
Luna suppressed a smile. "I think in the interest of saving your life, I'll refrain from answering."
"Well, that's no fun."
"Neither is arranging a funeral."
"True, but that would be your problem. Perks of being dead is that you don't have to worry about that shit. I get to laze around in the great beyond watching you all deliver heart-wrenching speeches about what an amazing person I was and how you're all gonna miss me."
"There is so much wrong with that scenario," Raven muttered, swiping through another page of Becca's research.
For one thing, if Murphy ever found the good sense to die, his funeral would be a goddamn celebration.
"No. . . no, I think it's pretty accurate. Bet you kitchen duty Jaha cries his little heart out."
"The relationship between you two is weird."
"You're just jealous."
No longer restraining her smile, Luna turned to Emori. "Have they been like this all evening?"
"Oh yeah. You missed the part where John tried to use Raven's head as a goal. It was riveting."
Speak for yourself.
That ball fucking hurt.
Luna shook her head, grinning as she refocused on Murphy. "Something tells me Titus would have loved your company."
"Oh, he did. We got along swell. Had an absolute slasher of a time."
Interest gleamed in her eyes, but she didn't inquire any further. "I'm not sure who I'm more sorry for in that scenario. You or Titus."
"Well, Titus got dead so. . ."
Some of the playfulness faded from Luna's gaze and she tapped the rim of her glass, expression unreadable. "Right."
Murphy, apparently not entirely without a single decent bone in his body, seemed to sense the change in atmosphere - sharply redirected course. "But back to more important things. If getting off is a problem for you, I know someone who'd be more than happy to help you out with that."
Raven flushed.
Holy mother of-
Murder.
She was going to commit murder.
Luna snorted, seeming far more amused by the offer than her. "Thankyou for the consideration, John, but I think I'll pass."
"Your loss."
"I'm sure."
Raven made a valiant effort to bury her face in her tablet.
Should have thrown it at him when I had the chance.
Thankfully, Emori - the divine angel that she was - decided to take mercy on her; standing up and seizing her boyfriend's hand. "How about you focus your attention on getting me off instead."
Okay, not the kind of mercy I was looking for.
Murphy smirked, allowing her to tug him up. "Yes, ma'am."
Raven slammed the tablet down in exasperation. "We don't need to hear that!"
"Sounds like someone's jealous."
"More like disgusted."
The thought of anything sexual involving Murphy was liable to make her hurl.
Why couldn't he have stayed single forever?
Why?
"You can join if you want."
It was only the fact that she knew Emori was simply trying to torment her that kept Raven from sprinting from the room and catching the next boat off the damn island. Still, it was a near thing.
This must be what hell feels like.
Of course, Murphy would be there.
"Fuck off."
Emori smirked, dragging Murphy towards the door - though he needed little encouragement.
Luna, who apparently had a much stronger stomach than her, seemed only amused by the pair's antics. "Enjoy," she called out, eyes following their far too eager exit out the door. "Try to stay hydrated."
Raven stared at her in disbelief.
"What?" She shrugged, smile expanding. "At least someone on this island is having fun."
Yeah, and that someone is very much not me.
Raven resisted the urge to groan.
God, she needed to get laid. First and foremost to get rid of the pesky stomach flips that rose in earnest every time Luna so much as entered her vicinity. Unfortunately, there wasn't exactly anyone around to help her out with that.
Murphy and Emori really were the luckiest of bastards.
The two of them got to spend their last days on earth fucking themselves into oblivion. What a way to go.
What a way she would like to go.
And with a certain someone in particular.
. . . So maybe the whole jealousy thing hadn't been totally amiss.
Raven cleared her throat, determined to push all thoughts of getting off aside. It's bad enough you abandoned lab duty today just because you couldn't stand being without her for more than a few hours. Cool the fuck down.
She desperately searched around for a subject change. "You didn't really have a class like that, did you?"
"Like what?"
"You know, what Murphy said.."
Luna chuckled. "No. Well, not really. It was more learning how to be careful with our words, never giving too much away. It gives the advantage in a host of situations, particularly negotiation."
"So you did take classes on how to be mysterious."
"Social skills."
She snorted. "Sure. That's what we're calling it."
Luna narrowed her eyes, but her lips fought at a smile. "I suppose old habits are hard to break. I never really noticed before."
"That you still do it?"
"Mm." She set her 'juice' aside, leaning forward over her knees. "Words have power. I've always been mindful of that. Some give you power over others, and some give others power over you. It's strategy. But that doesn't mean it has to be used for ill intent."
Maybe, but it still wasn't fucking natural.
Still smacked of control.
(manipulation)
Raven took a breath, considering Luna's words. "You don't need to, you know."
"What?"
She shrugged. "Do that around me. I don't give a shit what you say or how careful it is. Just as long as it's true."
Luna smiled a little. "Everything I say to you is true." She reached for her glass, took a sip. Grimaced. Before cautiously setting it back down - Raven hid a smile. "I don't think it's something I can just switch off, though. Considering I wasn't even aware I was doing it in the first place." She paused a moment, thoughtful. "I'm not sure I want to either. Words are too important to be careless with."
Only it wasn't just words.
Nothing about Luna was careless.
She kind of wished that wasn't the case. Would certainly help Raven out a lot when it came to reading her. And, personally, she thought it must be exhausting. Being so careful all the time. About everything.
"And there are things I can't afford to say," Luna added.
"Like what?"
She raised a brow.
"Right. Can't afford to say."
Raven wondered whether she was referring to the river. Almost asked. Shrugged her shoulders instead, returning to her tablet. "Still, no-one's going to mind if you take a break and tell Murphy to fuck off."
Luna laughed. "I think I'll leave that to you."
She heaved an exaggerated sigh. "And the work never ceases. You know, telling Murphy to fuck off is a full-time job. And an exhausting one at that."
"Mm, I think you enjoy it a little too much."
"Well, work can be enjoyable."
"One might even say you get off on it."
The tablet slipped from Raven's hands as she choked.
Luna hid a grin.
"Not funny."
"It's a little funny. Your face, especially."
Raven glared.
Why was everyone out to get her tonight?
Was it gang up on Raven day or something?
Luna took another sip of her hell-juice, muscles tight with the effort to conceal her disgust.
"You know what else is funny? Watching you drink a glass full of mold. . . not to mention, it makes your breath smell like rotten corpse."
Luna narrowed her eyes. "Careful or I'll make you drink it too."
(as threats went, it might just be the most terrifying one she'd ever encountered)
Raven wondered whether it would help with the insect bite she'd gotten on her arm. Blasted thing was itching to hell and back. Emori had teased her this morning about river fleas. . . which she really hoped wasn't a thing.
Still, Raven would rather take a hundred bites from some stupid insects than force even a single drop of that odorous concoction down her gullet.
Clearly, Luna was made of sterner stuff than her.
Much sterner.
"Has it helped at all?"
She looked amused by the question. "This is only day one. It will probably be weeks before any results are seen. Healing is slow like that."
Raven wouldn't know.
It seemed like she never healed from anything these days.
Not completely.
A yawn fought its way out of her mouth and she worked to cover it. Failed, if the slight upturn of Luna's lips was anything to go by.
Despite getting what might just be her most decent night of shut-eye since coming to the island, Raven felt more tired than she had in weeks. Clearly, her body had grown allergic to sleep during its long absence and had no fucking clue what to do with itself when confronted with an overabundance.
Not unlike the time she'd gorged herself on rations after going without for a week - only to end up vomiting all over their cabin.
Mummy dearest had been furious.
But Raven had learnt her lesson. Too much of a good thing could take you to hell and back. Sometimes it was better to deprive yourself than be filled to sickness.
Hell, just look at this thing she had going on with Luna. The more time she spent with her, the more out of sorts her insides became. The more they touched, the more Raven felt like she was coming apart, losing herself in the feel of her skin.
All the more reason to limit those touches.
To distance herself.
Maybe then she'd have no trouble being left alone in the lab for hours. Maybe then she wouldn't hunger for Luna's return. Abandon her work in favor of seeking her out.
(maybe)
Control. She had to get some back.
A great way to start would be by excusing herself and heading back over to the lab now. But she couldn't. Couldn't get the words out.
Couldn't leave.
The pull of Luna's presence was too strong. Like gravity. She couldn't break free of it any more than the earth could break free of the sun.
Would certainly explain the constant heat Raven felt around her.
Here's hoping I don't end up going down in flames.
Ignoring the renewed flush to her skin, Raven searched around for a distraction. Any distraction. Their conversation from earlier seemed like fertile enough ground. "Did you ever speak without thought? I mean, before."
Before I knew you.
She wondered sometimes what that Luna had been like. Not just the one who'd existed before the Conclave, but more recently. The leader of Floukru. The Luna who'd been happy. Free.
Safe.
Raven had never met that Luna.
Would have. If she'd gone with the others on their search to find her.
But she hadn't.
And. . . a part of Raven was relieved.
Relieved that she couldn't see the full extent of the damage that they'd wreaked. The devastation.
Luna considered her question. "Sometimes. As a child. Before I learned not to. Sometimes afterwards. Like during the shock that followed my Conclave." She took another sip. Didn't grimace this time. Expression too far away. "Sometimes with Derrick. Nyko. . . almost always with Sol and Costia. But words were rarely needed with them in the first place."
"Yeah," Raven swallowed, eyes on her screen. "Gotta feeling I know what that's like."
Finn might not have been her twin - or whatever the fuck this Costia chick had been - but he'd understood her like no-one else. Connected with her. Sometimes, the only conversations they'd had were in silence.
Words were utterly unnecessary for what had needed to be said.
When she risked a glance up, Luna was watching her, expression contemplative. Raven was glad when she didn't ask the question that was so clearly written on her face - Luna was the last person she wanted to talk to about Finn.
Apparently being careful with words meant you also knew when to say none at all.
She cleared her throat, retreating from the pain Finn's memory always brought forth. "Sorry about Murphy, by the way. He can be really fucking invasive sometimes."
"It's alright." Luna glanced towards the door, smiling faintly. "I think he was more interested in stirring things up than actually finding out what I do in my own free time."
The tablet fell from Raven's hands again.
Goddamnit!
Gritting her teeth, she picked it back up. Knew she wasn't imagining the slight curl to Luna's lips.
She could certainly be lethal when she set her mind to it.
It was also probable she'd been spending far too much time with Murphy. Had adopted his 'let's torture the raven' shtick in life.
Had about enough of that for one day
"Anyway," Raven started, getting to her feet. "I should be heading back to the lab. I've already spent the whole afternoon away."
It took everything inside her not to immediately step back her words when Luna's smile fell.
Change her mind.
"Do you want company?"
Raven shook her head, managed a smile. "No, I think it would be better if I just had some space to focus. Nothing personal."
It was entirely personal.
Her stomach was flipping like a pancake with just how personal it was.
But Luna nodded, smile returning - weaker than before. "I understand. I'll bring you over some dinner later."
"You don't have to-"
"I'll bring you over some dinner." Luna's voice was firm, the narrowing of her eyes playful. "You won't have to leave your work then in order to eat."
Raven hadn't actually been planning on eating at all.
Suspected Luna knew that and this was her way of trapping Raven into filling her gob.
Rolling her eyes, she nodded. "Fine. I'll see you later." She picked up her tablet, heading for the exit. "You'll be alright?"
She was kind of leaving Luna without any company, after all, considering Murphy and Emori were otherwise. . . engaged.
She suppressed a shudder.
"Of course. Contrary to what John might think, I'm more than capable of taking care of myself when I'm alone."
Raven's face collided with the door frame.
"Fuck." Her pain and humiliation were swiftly cut short by the sound of Luna's laugh - and Raven hated that she found it more beautiful than enraging.
She sent an unimpressed look back over her shoulder, hoping her cheeks didn't appear nearly as hot as they felt.
"I'm sorry." Luna's own cheeks pinched as she fought to control her grin. "You're too easy."
Raven grumbled and turned back around, continuing her exit out the door - without bumping into it this time.
Maybe it was a good thing Murphy and Emori had gone off to be disgusting together. He already had far too much ammo to torture her with, god forbid she hand him any more.
"This is not my day."
The sound of Luna's chuckle followed her down the hall. The fact that it made Raven's heart skip a beat and her insides tingle was just the icing on the cake.
