Chapter Three: Don't Look Back

After being gently evicted from the master's room you might have expected me to drop to my knees and cry in despair…but no…all of that emotion was gone; every single last drop, every whisper, all of it.

All I had inside me now was anger; even my pain and exhaustion could not match it, could not cover or quell it. It rose from a furnace deep inside and filled me until I was on the brink of exploding…I felt like there was now something wild inside me trying to claw its way out.

Not here.

I hurried back to my room, not caring how may people I knocked into or nearly pushed over in my haste. Straight to my room where I slammed the door closed so hard it bounced off the frame and shuddered open again. Again I threw it at the opening it was designed to fill and this time it actually stayed put. With my hands bunched into tight bloodless fists I glared into nothingness while recalled every face that had dismissed my warning.

Fools! Bloody fools! Even the master!

The crazed animal raging away in my chest was desperate for release and I granted its wish, I let my rage freely posses my form and take out all frustrations on my surroundings. I know not exactly what I did; I know I screamed, I roared, I know all I could see was a red haze and anything I touched became a victim of my fury.

My mind only cleared when I could hear claws pounding on my door that had somehow come to be blocked by the bed that I had thrown against it.

Apart from the bed being on its side and obstructing the door, the chair was in splinters, the wardrobe was well and truly broken with terminal looking splits and cracks in the woodwork while both of its doors had somehow found themselves sailing serenely out of the window, closely followed by a table lamp. The table that the aforementioned lamp had previously sat upon was now upside-down against one wall with most of its panels kicked in. Clothes were strewn about the room from various broken drawers as well as random belongings that had accumulated over the five years I had called the place my own…feathers floated in the air like warm snow from the split pillows.

Did I…just…throw…a tantrum?

I was called back from my reverie by the continued pounding on the door, which was now accompanied by Calisra's voice.

"Maddrell! Open this door before I break it off its hinges! This is your final warning! Answer me! Maddrell?"

I tossed the mangled bed aside as easily as if it were paper and then snatched the door open.

When she looked at me her eyes went wide and in those two deep dark pools I saw my own reflection…I looked like I was going to pounce on and gut the next person who spoke, my eyes were flared in anger, feathers stuck out of my hair and were caught in my clothes, my hands flexed in and out of fists…and I didn't care.

"What!" I barked, wondering whether it had actually been a real word that was expelled from my throat and not just some primal grunt to express my displeasure.

Her eyes traced from my face to the scene behind me and back again.

"What have you done?" she asked, disbelief hanging on every syllable.

"Go away, Calisra." I told her, fighting for control of my temper. I refused to lash out at one of my fellow Razielim. Their stupidity could drive me to tears and to fury but there was no need to hurt them for it, especially not my dear Calisra; the closest person to a best friend and mother that I had had all my life.

She looked at me for a long while with an unreadable expression on her face…it wasn't fear, that much was certain because she knew that she was capable of dealing with anything I could throw at her no matter what mental state I was in. Perhaps there was some pity, some confusion and maybe even a spark of sadness or regret…as if she was now convince my mind was forever lost and she blamed herself for not doing more about it.

She shook her head but said nothing, turning smartly on her heels and marching away to who knows where to tell whoever she met there that I was quite utterly mad and something had to be arranged to deal with the problem…or so I thought. I have no idea where she was going or what she was doing but if I were in her place that would most likely be what I would do; throw the crazy man into solitary confinement behind a very thick door and let him talk to himself.

How comforting…

Alone again I faced back into my room and searched my mind for any other answers I could offer myself. No one would go with me…but did that mean that I was incapable of going alone?

As this crossed my thoughts I sat down heavily in the middle of the doorframe. Go alone? Run away? Did I dare? It would be so easy to just grab hold of one of my now slightly shredded blankets, curl into a corner and sleep. It would be so utterly simple to just convince myself of what everyone else suspected; that I was paranoid and mentally unstable. I could live with that, I supposed…just lie to myself and pretend that all would be well. But if it wasn't and my fear became reality I would have only myself to blame for the sorrow.

I buried my fingers in my hair…what was I going to do!

Perhaps, after all of this, it really was time to just…go.

Rising back to my feet I rummaged in the displaced items around my room and pushed aside broken furnishing until I came across the battered dark leather satchel I generally used to carry the broken panes that I discover home. After dusting the feathers out of my hair I scrambled together a small pile of clothes which after a second thought I folded neatly before slipping them into the satchel, followed by the blanket with the fewest tears in it that I could find. I was about to buckle the flap down when the real weight of what I was about to do suddenly descended upon me. It wasn't just that I would be going away for a little while, I wasn't taking a break…I was really going for good. Inside this one bag would be the only things I could take with me, as I could not afford to be slowed down by vast quantities of heavy items. Looking back to the contents, it really hit me…just clothes and a blanket, nothing to remind me of what I was leaving. But then again, did I want to be reminded?

Twisting to my left slightly I gazed over my scattered belongings. Open on the floor with its pages fluttering in the breeze from the window was a book that one of the elders had given to me to help pass the time…not ten inches away from which was the remains of a model sailing ship that another had made and given to me. On the walls were portraits and landscapes others had painted, drawn and passed my way, some from real life and some from images in their minds. And other things were dotted around the place; things too numerous to list that held sentimental values I had never acknowledged before this moment. All these items, however damaged now due to my fit of immature rage, linked me to dozens of people who had become part of the good in my life I had only recently gained. So many people who I had never realised meant so much to me. When I was first introduced to this place, I thought I would never be able to trust anyone ever again. Hah, look at me now…already mourning…

I looked back to my satchel. There was a little space left, perhaps, for something small. Leaning over and reaching out lazily I flipped the book closed and slid it closer, tracing the slightly rough and dog eared cover and binding. It was nothing special, just a little fiction novel written by some old human which detailed near all of life's pleasures and pitfalls in an astoundingly sophisticated and realistic manner incorporated into a compelling plot. Or at least…that is what I had been told. I had never actually gotten around to reading it. I slipped it in between the clothes and the blanket and then quickly fastened the leather bag shut before I tried to fit the whole room inside.

I didn't know where I would go, how I would find places to feed or how I would cope in any way shape or form in the hostile environment that was Nosgoth.

I shook my head hard enough to cause to it ache to clear that thought. Planning ahead only made room for greater error in my opinion because, surely, if you had no plan then nothing could actually go wrong as any bad event would have nothing to compare to or effect...right? I was going and that was final. On a whim…a fear…I was going to leave my whole life behind. A chilling prospect.

Rising to my feet I swapped the light shoes I had previously been wearing for heavy boots; a pair of such disreputable appearance I rarely wore them when in the presence of others. But they had good thick soles and were both old enough to be comfortably worn in yet new enough to have a nice long wear time left in them. They were my favourite even though they were scuffed to hell…I always forgot to polish them, and never left them out for the servants to deal with either.

With that done and satchel neatly hanging by me side I went over to select a cloak from the three that I owned; one thin, hoodless sandy brown thing for summer, one of waterproofed leather with heavy wool lining for winter and one of medium weight with a cowl which was a stunning white with black embroidered knot work patterns around the edge and black silk lining. I had only used that last one for comfort before now. Collecting it from where it had pooled on the floor I flung it around my shoulders and fastened it about my neck with the silver clasp that bore the clan symbol. I would need comfort more than anything else and this cloak also represented safety to me. It was the cloak that master Raziel had wrapped me in when he pulled me from that shallow grave. It had been washed since then, of course, to clean it of the dirt, blood, and tears…

Perhaps it would be a mistake to take it as it was not exactly practical and it was a terribly obvious reminder of my dear (foolish) master but I was so loath to leave it. If worst came to the worst I could steal another cloak but this was irreplaceable and if nothing else it would at least help me to sleep, just as it used to when I first took residence here.

Taking one last gaze over the room I was to abandon a metallic glint caught my eye amidst the pile of wood fragments that had previously been a chest of drawers. Curiosity and nostalgia winning me over I prised from the wreckage a silver pocket watch. It was a testament to my poor memory. Calisra had given it to me in my first year as a vampire. When newly turned, fledglings generally spend set hours of the day and night shadowing their sire or an elder to take lessons from them. Master Raziel was largely too busy though did try to see me when he could, so it was Calisra whom I found myself being schooled by. I was notorious for missing sessions due to never knowing the time, so she presented me with this ornately decorated little device so I would have no further excuses. I brushed my thumb over the delicate engraving on its casing before slipping it into one trouser pocket. Ever since it was placed in my hand I had never forgotten to wind it and it kept good time; it might come in useful…and it would cause me to recall Calisra in those happy, close and caring times of sugar smiles rather than my most recent vision of her; turning from me with an ugly mask of pity and sorrow.

With a heavy feeling of guilt sweeping through me and consuming me, settling like a lump of lead in the pit of my stomach…finally an emotion that could purge my physical pain…I walked at a determined pace away from my life, taking a path that would lead me into the open air. Vaguely I acknowledged that a portion of the guilt was for the servants who would have to clear and clean my room. I always left it so tidy before it may well come as quite a shock to them.

That daft little truth brought something of a smile to me, which undoubtedly helped in my exit of the territory. If my fellow Razielim were to see the troublemaking clown of the family with an expression of deep troubled sorrow they would begin to take my earlier frantic outbursts seriously and quite possibly hold me back. If I was going to successfully go through with this then I could not afford to allow any such occurrence. It was already hard enough for me to come to terms with the severity of my intentions and the reasoning behind them, and I still prayed that in a week or so I could wander back with my metaphorical tail between my legs and receive another ear bashing from the master as well as an opportunity to make grovelling apology to both him and Calisra. I did not need to be talked out of it now.

But it would be completely foolish to believe that no one at all would take notice of me. While pausing ever so briefly to adjust the position of my cloak I found myself to be in the perfect spot to be the unfortunate victim of an accidental assault. A figure stumbled out of the shadows of a turning, tripped over his own feet and slammed headlong into me, involuntarily and instinctively grabbing my waist for support. With much effort (that I would rather have saved) I just about managed to keep upright and not drop yet another time and was able to take a better look at the person who had all but bowled me over.

"I'm s-s-sorry" a voice stuttered in the region of my navel, still hugging my midriff for support.

"Who are you and what is this all about!" I snapped purely out of annoyance at being interrupted. I just prayed he was younger than me or I would soon be getting one hell of an earful. Grabbing him by the shoulders I pulled him off and straightened him up.

"I'm s-sorry, I tr-tr-tripped." With every word he spoke his face creased up with the effort of trying not to stumble on every syllable and his head bobbed sometimes as if he had to persuade them out of his throat. The longer it took him to complete each word, the more upset he looked.

Now that he wasn't clinging to me I could see that he bore the symbol of clan master Melchiah on his shirt as well as the changes in complexion and neat stitches running over his skin where it had been replaced. Well, no wonder this stutter-inflicted boy (he could be no more than seventeen when turned) was attempting to look meek in my presence. He was the youngest son of Lord Kain's youngest, while I was a child of his firstborn. I recognised him now; his name was Darent, the newest fledgling of the Melchahim clan. He tended to hang around territories other than his own because his immediate family had a habit of teasing him because of the speech impediment his original human birth had thrown at him.

"Well, make sure you don't do it again. Be more careful to take note of where you are going and what you are doing. You're just lucky it was me you charged into and not an elder."

"S-s-sorry. Uh…you're M-m-maddrell, aren't y-you?"

He knew me? How? I know I have seen him around the place but I also know that I never spoke to him. I knew his name only because it was unusual for other clan members to come alone to our territory and so information about Darent passed quickly between us all. The place is always rife with gossip. "Yes, that's right. What of it?"

"I heard of your bout of h-hy-hysteria earlier. I've n-n-not been here l-long but news tr-tr-travels fast. Are you alright?"

"I could not help myself when my emotions overtook me before but I am alright now, thank you."

"P-people seem to be w-w-orried."

"Indeed? I don't know what came over me. All I can do is apologise if I have upset anyone with my behaviour. Now if you'll please excuse me, I really must be on my way."

"Where are you g-g-going?" the frown on his face was exaggerated by lines of sutures beginning at the corners of his mouth and reaching down his chin and neck to disappear under the collar of his shirt.

"Out. Don't trouble yourself with details. You should return home."

I stepped passed him without a second glance and walked away without giving any sound or movement that would provoke him into following me. In a way I was very lucky that it was only a fledgling Melchahim that made me halt, as anyone else would have tried to keep me longer and really question me after I had been running around like I'd escaped from an insane asylum.

No one else tried to stop me in any way shape or form and I was well and truly on my way out into the wilds of Nosgoth.

It's a strange thing to admit, but each step that I took brought to be increasing levels of conflicting emotions. The predominant one was unease and the secondary can only be described as relief. It would be impossible to put it into any fully understandable terms. On the one hand I felt truly ashamed that I could allow fear to so easily overcome me and make me willingly abandon my home, family and master…but on the other hand, the more distance I put between there and myself the safer I felt.

South…the thought bloomed in my mind and I realised that it had been there for a while now like a rare but dull little flower unnoticed amidst a field full of bright, thorny, common roses.

Far to the south of Nosgoth was the sea and beyond that vast expanse of water would be lands that Lord Kain did not have possession or control of. It was known that the humans had trade routes to lands beyond Nosgoth; perhaps there was a chance of me reaching one of the more ignored continents. A sea crossing is a practically fatal journey for a vampire but not definitely. A scrap of habitable land surrounded by salty water would be better than any guarded fort or hidden cave, and it also provided the prospect of being able to live comfortably and relatively normally until such a time as I felt it right to return, if I returned.

I breathed a heavy sigh of slight relief now my thoughts were focused and continued on my way…south.

-o-

In the end I concluded that the going would be so much easier if I were not making this trip on foot, and so made something of a short detour in the direction of the nearest human settlement. It wasn't difficult to locate, as all I needed to do was follow the sharp scent of humanity to its closest source. I stayed hidden and took the first horse I came across before anyone could even think of stopping me and I was long gone before they even realised what had happened. Unfortunately, in my haste I had chosen to steal what must have been the most foul tempered beast they had, which wasn't aided by the fact that it only had a bridal; no bloody saddle. I was going to be sore when I was done with this bastard of an equine...horrible dappled thing that huffed every time I tired to properly control it.

Eventually we seemed to work out a silent agreement and so long as I didn't push it too hard and let it eat as it went, it did as I bid it…which was nice. Though I would have given anything for a saddle; even if hadn't bee a vampire I doubted I could produce offspring after this trip. Hnh, maybe I just didn't have the technique for bareback riding. I had only learnt the basics last year; it had been one of Calisra's bright ideas.

There is not much that can be said about the journey south, just a few arguments with the horse which I usually lost; one time I nearly ended up being dropped into a patch of brambles and I'm positive both myself and my cloak would have been shredded if it were not for how tightly I held on to the evil creature's neck. Gnarled trees, yellowing grass and dying landscape littered with settlements of stone and timber passed by without need for any real comment and the only things that are worthy of mention are the darkening of the sky as night descended and the transition of scents. The human odour never really changed, but the scent of vampires lessened the further south I ventured… it was in direct proportion to the increase of the salty undertones in the breeze which I knew would be blowing over the sea and onto dry land.

And then the docks were in sight.

First of all my eyes were greeted only by a row of wooden shack-like structures which blocked my view of everything else I could hear, like human chatter and the screech of wheeling gulls. But the most obvious being the terrifying sound of the waves, so close, rolling over the soft sand. The sky above, I noticed now, had made a dramatic change; the smoke of the great furnaces did not reach here and for the first time in my life I saw diamond starts glinting in their constellations on a canvas of uncorrupted cobalt blue rather than the dusty, dark, blank haze I was used to. And the moon; a brilliant silver disc watching over those starts like a protective parent they would follow obediently back over the horizon that I had only before ever known as a hazy dull glow behind the forced smog. I had never realised that the night was so…beautiful. I felt a shock of anger roll within me; how dare Lord Kain poison such a thing? Looking behind me in the direction from whence I came I saw the pollution he had ordered hanging over his precious dying land like a bad omen, a thick mass of rot waiting to settle and take its terrible toll.

With a shudder I turned my head back to the coast and slipped off of the horse…which pleased both it and me. Leaning back on a tree I paused to let my stiff legs grow used to not straddling the damnable thing so I wouldn't have to suffer the ridiculous walk. But as soon as that was out of the way I allowed the horse to go off and do its own thing and I slunk off between two of the shacks to take in my surroundings and plan my next move.

Though I feared it, I could not help but feel some awe for the sea; reflecting the rich, deep shade of the sky with liquid silver sparking over its swells and crests. It lapped smoothly against the sand, softening and washing away the footprints of the dozen or so men trudging to and fro from a ship docked out at one sturdy wooden jetty. They were lugging crates, barrels and goods from organised piles on the sand and from inside the shacks a short way from me. Burning torches were driven into the sand to provide light to work by, as well as there being a few brighter lamps set down at ground level.

The ship was being loaded with supplies but I knew not where it was headed. For all I knew it may just be travelling to another port of Nosgoth. It was the only one there, a tea clipper, I think, but I may be wrong as I am by no means nautically minded. It reminded me of the model one I had left behind. I wanted to be able to go as soon as physically possible because in this place with no protection from the rays of the sun I doubted I could live through the morning. I was incredibly lucky that the sun had set as I had traversed the land southwards, or I would have been feeling it already. This was turning out to be a lot more dangerous that I had first thought. I was not sure if sunlight would kill me or not as we had always lived under the smoke…but I had no desire to find out the hard way. It would seem that I would have to revert to how humans had perceived vampires long ago; creatures who could only walk among the shadows and feared the light of day.

What a depressing prospect.

I rubbed eyes, somewhat tired…I would think about something like that later; I had a hooded cloak and that would protect me for now should I end up caught without shade. What I needed to focus on at this present moment in time was finding out where that ship was going and if it would grant me passage to relative peace of mind.

So, first thing first, how was I going to gather the information I required? Only at the first hurdle and I was already stumped. That didn't exactly bode well for my future, now did it?

I couldn't just stroll up to someone and ask…could I? No, that was a ridiculous idea, all that I would achieve would be a lot of shouting, and panicking and flying crossbow bolts. And I can't say that I was desperately fond of any of those things especially when said bolts were aimed in my direction. Well…it wasn't as if there was any other way to find out where the ship was going until it was too late. I was going to have to ask. I felt so pathetic, knowing I was going to be relying on humans for information …but what other choice did I have?

Talking to a human would mean facing one, which in turn meant I could not let them see that I was a vampire. Is it just me, or does this seem hopeless? There is no way in a million years that they will fail to spot my pointed ears, golden eyes and fangs, not to mention the pallor of my skin or the pitch black of my hair. I suddenly wished I had gown my hair out like I had thought about doing a while back, as that was I could have hidden my ears. The best I could do was to flip my hood up and bring it forward to cover my head and shade my face…and pray they would see I had fingers and leave it at that. Most humans assumed we all had claws of the bony three digit variety, not realising they were acquired later in life as a result of the Change.

After steadying myself with a long intake of warm night air and hiding the clan symbol on the cloak's clasp by neatly wrapping a handkerchief around it I stepped out from between the two shacks and approached one of the men who were still loading the craft. Something over six foot tall with short brown hair and steel grey eyes, the shirtless human male was easily distinguishable from his fellows by two scars on his stomach and a large tribal tattoo that looked almost like wings adorning a good portion of his back, as well as spilling over his shoulders and partially down his chest. He made to grab hold of a barrel that I assumed would have water in it to drink on the journey.

"Excuse me." I called to halt him.

He paused half way down to it and rose back up again, sans barrel. He looked towards me, a strange man in rich clothes, with shadow-hidden features. No doubt he felt something was amiss and both his posture and tone of voice confirmed this. "Sir? You want something?"

"Can you tell me where this vessel is headed?"

The man glanced back to the ship and then focused again on me, studying me. "Akatra." He said simply.

I shuffled from foot to foot as his visual scrutiny was making me highly uncomfortable. I cannot say that I have heard if this Akatra place, which meant it could most certainly not be part of Nosgoth and that was good enough for me. "Will it take passengers?"

"Sorry, but not at the moment. This trip is purely for trade, but when we return we'll be taking on board travellers again. It's highly unlikely, however, that you'll find a place. A lot of people have already planned to sail next trip and we have to let them on first as they've paid in advance. Migration to Akatra has become pretty popular."

"Why is that?" I queried. The men around us who were still working were giving their tattooed fellow looks that suggested they were not best pleased that he had found a legitimate excuse to take a break.

"No vampires in Akatra, sir." He said matter-of-factly. "No Kain. I doubt he even knows that the place exists. It's a small island with little in the way of natural resources that can be spared but they produce some excellent clothes dyes. You used to be able to rely on the place to give iron ore as well, but after a series of accidents the mines were abandoned. That was about…oh, ten years ago I'd say."

No vampires at all? Was that even possible? But that though came second to two other words he had told me; No Kain. Dream come true, or too good to be true? "So, there is no way of getting there tonight?"

"No chance, sorry." He said with an apologetic shrug.

It was then that a pebble scooped up from the beach was thrown at him by one of the other men who had finally reached the peak of his annoyance. "Ridwan! Will you get back to work? We need to get going as soon as possible! We've heard word there's some vampire nearby; we can't afford to have them find out where we're going when it's out only safe haven."

"This close to the sea?" Ridwan called back, rubbing his head where the pebbled had struck him.

"Not sure. I highly doubt it but you never know. Now move!"

"Alright! I heard you the first time." He then turned back to me.

Before he had a chance to get a word out I figured it was high time I tested out my acting skills. I glanced nervously from side to side. "Are you sure that there's no way at all for me to get on that ship…I can't bare the thought of spending another night here. Every time the sun goes down I feel it'll be the last time I see it. I just want to be safe." And in a way it wasn't a lie.

Ridwan sighed. "I wish I could help but I can't let you on board. You should go home. I'm sorry, sir." He grabbed the barrel and moved away to get on with his job.

I turned on my heels and headed back to the shacks. Retreating to collect together my new knowledge.

Akatra, an island I had never heard of because its existence seemed to be carefully shielded by humanity, was free of the people I was so desperate to avoid and was across the sea. There was a ship going to it but I wouldn't be allowed on board…and they were on to me; they would be looking out for a vampire now. What I had told Ridwan was true, I was afraid to be here. I had to get on board that ship no matter what.

To be continued……

Author's Note – Chapter 3…also known as 'Maddrell has a hissy fit' and 'the cameo appearance' (Guess who. Clue; it's not Darent, but cookies go to anyone who remember him from BtE anyway).Sorry its late but I forgot to proof read it, and even now there are probably mistakes. Still thanking Biohazard for being my muse.

Well…the brains behind FF dot Net, in their infinite wisdom, have seen fit to say that it is no longer allowed to put replies to reviews in chapters so…I'm sorry…I'll have to stop…If you are logged in and haveyour reply thingy enabled I'll send my thanks via that…if you don't have an account but want a reply, let me know a way to contact you…otherwise…there's nothing more I can do. Thanks to anyone who is reading this and uber thanks to the few who saw fit to review.

Bye for now.