Chapter 19

Alone. That was how Sesshomaru felt. It was something that he had lived with for the past fifty two years. The moment his mother died, he had become isolated, pushed aside, and forgotten. He was constantly surrounded by people, and yet, it felt as if he couldn't reach any of them.

This night was no different. Several days after the flower had done the trick, Miroku deemed the village healthy enough for them to move on. Kagome had agreed, and without thought decided to follow her brother. That meant Sesshomaru had been isolated severly for the last three weeks that they had been traveling.

Even now, they sat around the fire, talking softly with one another while he sat in the shadows staring up at the stars. He felt like the moon. Surrounded by thousands of stars, but still so utterly alone. Miroku had done his best to keep Sesshomaru away, and Kagome had let it happen.

Normally Sesshomaru had no problem being alone. He had become used to it, was okay with it. However, he always had Nakoa. Now she was with Alastar, sleeping as he kept watch over her. It was to be expected that she wouldn't leave Alastar's side. They were lovers, expecting their first foal. If it was Sesshomaru with Kagome, he wouldn't want to leave her side either.

Perhaps the loneliness now was more unbearable because Kagome was so close. She was here, her scent surrounding him, his ears filled with her voice. She was close, and yet, he still couldn't touch her. This was the woman he wanted, the one he desired to spend the rest of his life with. Sesshomaru had been able to handle the loneliness before because it had been him that rejected her. Now that the tables had turned, he was starting to get a personal understanding of the things he had put her through.

This was his punishment. It wasn't the isolation or the pain. It was knowing that he was only feeling a fraction of what she did. His punishment was knowing that this pain in his heart is only caused because he devastated the woman that had been made for him. He deserved every bit of it, but he knew that if he lasted the fifteen years like Kagome did, he would break. Far more than she did.

She was stronger than him. Emotionally and mentally, she could run miles around him, and he had no problem admitting it. He had hurt her, harmed her, and still she had tried to give him the benefit of the doubt. He had thrown that in her face as well, he gouged out her heart over and over again. If anyone had treated him the way he had her, he would have burned the entire world down.

She wasn't like that though. Despite the pain he caused, despite the hurt that he caused still lingered in her heart, she was smiling with her brother and sister in law. She was still kind to those that deserved it, still offered everything she could to those in need. He broke her heart, but it still functioned as if he had never touched it. The only one she acted different towards was him.

That was why she was stronger. He would tear down the world for the actions of one, while she only held that one responsible. She felt more than he did, and yet she had such control over her emotions that it was shocking. He thought control was refusing to show any emotion you had, but he was wrong. That was hiding. Kagome was control, while he was a coward.

"Sesshomaru?" Sango's voice pulled Sesshomaru out of his thoughts, causing him to look at her. She was blushing, feeling the heated gaze of her husband who clearly wasn't happy with her. "Why don't you come and join us. It's probably cold over there by yourself."

Sesshomaru narrowed his eyes, locking gazes with Miroku. It was clear Miroku wanted nothing to do with Sesshomaru, but ultimately, Sesshomaru didn't care. There was only one opinion that mattered to him. Moving his sight to Kagome, he studied her. Her eyes would flick to him before looking away again, curiosity seeping from her features. She was like a cat, wanting to know what would happen, but not wanting to be obvious. She was curious about his answer.

He wasn't cold. While the cold would touch him, it had to be far cooler than it was now for it to do something to him. However, he wasn't going to tell them that. So, he stood, nodding his head in appreciation to Sango, and sat across from them, the fire between them.

"We were talking about our childhoods and fond memories we have. We pretty much know everything about the other at this point, so maybe you can tell us something about you that we haven't heard." Sango smiled at him, and Sesshomaru turned his gaze towards Kagome. She said nothing, but her blue eyes met his. He would answer for Kagome's sake.

"I was a child, perhaps the age of ten in human years." Sesshomaru looked back up to the sky, getting lost in the memory. "I had just received Nakoa. She was still a filly herself, but we had grown close. Mother's horse is Nakoa's mother. Her name is Koharu." Sesshomaru paused, brows furrowing as he tried to remember every detail from nearly a hundred years ago. "We were traveling to China. Father could not come due to his responsibilities for the West. Mother loved China. She came any chance she could get. Nakoa possesses the ability to fly. However, like Inu, it takes time for us to develop these abilities. I had just learned to fly myself, and I could not yet orb. Mother decided that she did not wish to deal with ships. There were far too many humans for her taste. She has never been fond of the species, however, I followed in father's footsteps, befriending them."

"You befriended humans?" Miroku scoffed with a roll of his eyes. Sango punched his side, and he glared at her, still not happy that she invited Sesshomaru to sit with them.

"Yes. Before mother…" Sesshomaru trailed off, not sure if that was something he wanted to talk about. "Believe me or not, it is your choice. To continue the story, we were flying over a stretch of trees. Mother didn't account for our recent developments and that Nakoa and I had not built up the stamina for continued use. It was no surprise when Nakoa no longer had the strength to keep going. She fell from the sky, and I went after her. However, when I reached her, I lost my strength as well, and both of us fell into a forest. We landed in a rushing river that carried us farther downstream."

"This doesn't sound like a happy memory." Sango whispered, and Sesshomaru flicked his eyes towards her.

"Some things do not start happy, but they end that way. When we finally reached the shore, Nakoa and I were exhausted. We used each other to find shelter and a place that we could dry off. It took three days for mother to find us. After the first day of searching, she had contacted father, and they had sent out an entire army to find us. They had been sick with worry. When we were found, mother hugged us both, and father wrapped his arms around the three of us. Afterwards, we spent the night in that cave. We made a vacation out of it. Mother ended up not going to China, but she had been happy to be there with us. We played games, hunted together, told stories around a fire. We enjoyed each other's company. It is a memory that I will cherish for the rest of my life." Sesshomaru let his voice fade away, not meeting the eyes of everyone else in the camp.

"What's the real story with Satori? We have heard the rumors, but Touga and Izayoi have never spoken of it. What happened to your mother, Sesshomaru?" Miroku leaned forward then, waiting to see what Sesshomaru would do. He was expecting Sesshomaru to lash out or refuse to answer. He wanted Sesshomaru to look like he was in the wrong.

"He doesn't have to talk about that." Kagome shushed Miroku, and that spurred Sesshomaru into action. He would answer, but only for Kagome's sake. He wanted her to know everything about him.

"Demons are far stronger than humans." Sesshomaru reached out, placing his hand in the fire. He felt no pain, though a human would have burned severely. Meeting their eyes, he let his hand linger for a moment longer then pulled it out. "Most mortal instruments cannot affect us. Fire, spears, arrows, they do nothing. For a human to harm us, their weapons have to have something more. Reiki, witchcraft, the blood of a demon. Only then can a human be effective against us. Because of this, it is hard for a demon to die unless killed by another demon of equal or superior strength. With that being said, many demons feel that they are superior to humans. Touga is a rare case. I have met very little demons that do not think that way. Mother was one that thought humans were mere pests."

Looking up to the sky again, Sesshomaru prepared to speak of the tale that he had not told anyone. "Father and mother were happy. They did not believe they would find their soul bonded. It is rare to do so, and both were nearly five hundred. They decided they would forgo their soul mark and marry. As a child, I remember a happy family. While mother held a certain disdain for humans, I was like father. I befriended them, played with them. Mother tolerated it, but she knew I was the heir, and many humans lived in the West. Everything was perfect. Mother laughed daily. She loved father with everything that she was, and he loved her. And then father met Izayoi."

"Father and mother had vowed to each other that even if they were to meet their soul bonded, they would not choose any other. They promised themselves to each other. But father did not keep his word. The moment he met Izayoi, he broke his promise. I was there when he told mother the news. He did not even have the courage to come to her alone. He had the audacity to bring Izayoi with him to break their promise to each other. Mother was heartbroken and embarrassed all in one go. She lashed out, said things about Izayoi that had father kicking her out of the shiro. He sent mother away to live in an isolated life in a castle he provided her. She was devastated."

"I was going to see her, to live with her, but father convinced me that she needed time. He told me to give her a few days to calm herself before I went to see her. I listened. Three days passed before I went to her. When I finally did, I found her dead. She had killed herself. A demon is not capable of killing themselves. It is a phenomenon that many of us don't understand, but it doesn't change that mother could not take her own life. She had gone to a witch, turned herself human, and then slit her own throat. She became the thing she hated so she could escape the pain father threw on her. That is the true story of Satori." Sesshomaru finally looked at the others, seeing their surprised and pitying gazes.

"That was when you started hating humans?" Kagome asked, putting two and two together. Sesshomaru gave her a nod, and she looked away, processing that.

"What happened is… sad. I cannot imagine what Satori felt. And finding your mother like that… I wouldn't wish that on anyone. However, you cannot blame an entire race because of your mother's decision. Your father broke his promise. I understand the anger towards him. Your mother took her own life, being angry with her would be no surprise. However, Izayoi, Kagome, the rest of the human race? They did nothing, and yet you punish them. It's not right, Sesshomaru." Miroku met Sesshomaru's gaze head on, and as much as Sesshomaru wanted to argue, he couldn't. He had been punishing an entire race for the actions of his parents. He had hurt Kagome, lashed out at Izayoi, and they were in the wrong. He was determined to get Kagome to forgive him, but maybe he needed to apologize to more than just her.

...

Sesshomaru finally explains what happened with his mother. Both Touga and Satori were in the wrong in this situation, but remember that everything about what happened was complicated and surrounded by complex feelings and emotions. Touga made that promise and meant it, but when he made that promise, he hadn't realized how he would feel when he met Izayoi, and it wasn't something he could fight. Satori shouldn't have taken such drastic measures, but she felt alone and betrayed. She left behind her son to grieve for her loss with a father that partially caused it. This is where Sesshomaru's actions stemmed from. The inability to grief properly mixed with his adolescent thinking, and he was bound to make several mistakes. He knows now that he made mistakes, and he is determined to make up for them. No matter what.

All of it ties together, and if anyone knows anything about psychology, you know that experiences as a child will influence your personality and decision making for the rest of your life. Its all connected, one little domino falling into the next over and over again. (I did go to college for Psychology, but I never finished.) Anyway, enough of the explanation, I hope you all enjoyed this chapter.

Melissa Albert-Rice. You were the 400th reviewer. Congrats!