LEVI'S P.O.V.

6 MONTHS LATER...

It was a while after the squad's violent end and a lot had changed. Getting back to headquarters fortunately amounted with no trouble. Levi had ridden until he found a cart of wounded with space for Dilan and guarded the cart along with the other soldiers until they made it back. Dilan was patched up in the infirmary as Hanji found she had hit her head with something and Levi had waited by her side until she woke up. But the Dilan he knew... was gone. She wasn't the same person anymore and that was obvious from the moment she opened her dulled amber eyes. Eyes that used to hold such flame and determination now may as well have been colourless. The cruelty of the world had burnt her out. It was plain as day to see.

From then on things changed. Dilan wasn't the spunky brat anymore. She wasn't his best friend that revelled in annoying him. She was quiet and reclusive. She only spoke when spoken to and they were forced, normally one-word answers. Levi found himself the bigger talker out of the both of them and it honestly scared him. He had gone to Hanji, worried, asking for her advice and the woman simply explained there was nothing wrong with her physically, she was just broken by the death of the squad. Hanji mentioned that Dilan reminded her a lot of Levi after his first expedition and thinking about it, he would have to agree. He was a shell back then. His movements were calculated and robotic and he didn't allow himself to feel anything for a long time after. Hanji had sighed, putting a hand on his shoulder and just telling him to give her some time.

So, time was what Levi gave her. But Dilan only got worse. Not only did she stop smiling, not only did she stop talking to him but she started to avoid him. She didn't show up for training. She didn't show up on the roof, no matter how early he got there to catch her, she came into the mess hall only to grab a roll and leave again. She didn't even eat apples anymore; it was like she was punishing herself and it pissed him off to no end.

Mealtimes were quiet and he felt the squads deaths looming over him as he sat by himself. Mike was off on leave. He had taken the death of the squad hard, as to be expected. Erwin didn't say when the shaggy blonde would be back so for the time being the squad simply consisted of himself and Dilan. Meals got so fucking depressing that he started taking his food to his room, eating it while he slaved over paperwork that had been left to him thanks to Mikes absence. Paperwork took up most of his day, not that he had much else going on in his life. His insomnia was shit and he hadn't felt right since before the expedition.

His sleeplessness only got worse after he read Dilan's report. Erwin had requested a debriefing meeting, but Levi managed to get it down to a report since he wasn't sure if Erwin would come out of a face to face meeting with Dilan alive. It took her 2 weeks to write it and Levi knew she must have struggled but whenever he asked her how she was he simply shut him down with a "Fine". She had walked up to him one day, passed him the report before walking off. He tried hard not to read it, knowing it would only make him feel guilty, but he couldn't help it. He read what happened, how the cart was tipped over, how Dilan was left pinned underneath, unmoving as she watched her friends die. While she had written it in cold hard facts, Levi could see a bit of emotion ended up getting through as her hand writing got shaky at the end and a part of the report was smudged, most likely where a rogue tear had fallen and she swiftly wiped it away. His chest hurt when he finished reading. He wanted to fix things, but he knew he couldn't. It was too late.

The first time he confronted Dilan was the second month after the expedition. He had given her space and time, but he missed his best friend and she was pissing him off. The exchange, as you can imagine, did not go well. Levi was not good at emotions and he ended up yelling at her. The worst part was she didn't even react. Once he was finished, she simply looked up at him with those cold lifeless eyes, asked "you done?" before walking away. That conversation was why there was currently a dent in the wall of the corridor the shape of Levi's fist. He frowned every time he walked past it, a reminder of how shit everything in his life was.

The next time he confronted Dilan was after the next expedition. Considering they had no squad whatsoever; they had been put into Hanji's troops. Levi had been worried about how the brat was going to handle being out in the field again. He had a feeling something was going to go wrong but apparently that assumption was stupid. Dilan was a machine out there. Every kill was calculated and efficient. Levi would have been proud if she wasn't scaring the shit out of him. It wasn't Dilan.

She was so busy killing the titans she didn't even hear Moblit asking for help. Or simply ignored him, Levi wasn't sure. Luckily Levi got to the boy before it was too late but it was a close call.

He had grabbed her after they got back to the walls asking what, the hell, she thought she was doing. She simply replied, "my job." Before ripping out of his grip and walking away. Levi was losing her; she was going to a dark place and he didn't know what to do about it. Everything he said seemed to go straight in one ear and out the other.

More time past and it was the 6th month after the squad died, after the recent expedition that Erwin called both Levi and Dilan into his office for a talk. Things had been tense between him and the commander since Levi punched him. Surprisingly, he wasn't reprimanded or punished. Levi knew it probably had something to do with Hanji. The woman had been very kind to him recently which he appreciated more than he cared to admit. If it wasn't for her, Levi would well and truly be alone.

Once they had gotten into the office and taken their seats, Erwin had explained that since Dilan had been on three expeditions and demonstrated her fine titan killing skills it was time to set up the special operations squad. Erwin was practically giddy through the whole conversation while Levi and Dilan sat there emotionlessly. It was funny. He wanted this promotion for a long time but now he had it... he wanted things back the way they were. He wanted the stupid squad and their stupid conversations. He wanted Mike as his superior and he wanted Dilan as his friend, not his subordinate. Still... life sucks. You don't always get what you want.

Erwin had explained that due to the high-class level of this squad, they will be moved to a more remote area of the compound where the special ops will resign, an Inn with its own personal training grounds. They each had rooms with spare ones for the new members of the squad which Levi was allowed to hand pick. There would even be a training day especially for this where Levi and Dilan could observe the cadets and see which held the most skill. Dilan didn't react through the whole talk, simply staring at her hands. Erwin told them their belongings had been moved during the conversation and there was a cadet outside ready to take them to their new sleeping quarters. When the commander dismissed them, she stood, saluted like a robot and left the room. Levi sighed and stood as well, not bothering to salute, heading to the door.

"Levi?" Erwin called. Levi glanced back at him with tired eyes. "She okay?" He asked, a smidge of concern in his stoic voice. Levi ran a hand through his hair.

"No." He replied truthfully before leaving the room. The small cadet was standing next to Dilan and they seemed to be waiting for him. Levi gave a nod to the runner and he started walking towards the Inn leaving Levi and Dilan to follow him. The cadet seemed very intimidated and was sweating profusely, pulling at his uniform collar for air. Levi couldn't blame him really. He was escorting the two most famous soldiers for titan killing on the premises. After Dilan's stunt, defending the entire left flank by herself she had gained the title 'Titan Ripper' up there with 'Humanities Strongest'. She had earnt her comrades respect and they didn't fear her anymore due to her background. Now anyone who fear her was thanks to her deadpan face and intimidating nature.

Levi had seen the four shits that she saved that day... Eld, Petra, Oluo and Gunther, he remembered their names were, try to talk to her after the expedition but Dilan had shot that down quickly. They looked rightfully confused after she left so Levi took it upon himself to explain to them, she lost her squad and needed space. They looked sad but understood and hadn't bothered her since.

"T-this is it, sir." The cadet stuttered out nervously. Levi blinked, realising they had come to their destination. It was a three-story wooden lodge deep in the forest, built with oak and dark oak planks, shiny windows and a porch built around the edge. It was nice but a little excessive for two people in his opinion. Guess he had to choose some new squad mates soon. Levi didn't know how Dilan was going to take that.

"Dismissed." Levi said simply. The cadet saluted them both before running back towards the compound. Levi hoped Dilan was paying attention because he had no idea how to get back there. He spared a glance to his dormant friend and realised that seemed extremely unlikely.

Sighing, Levi walked up the steps, snagging the key out of the letter box that Erwin had told him about before opening the lodge and walking into the darkness. It was evening so he couldn't make out much in terms of detail but from what he could tell the door opened out into the kitchen which was stacked full of facilities. On the right was a doorway, through which was what looked like some sort of communal area with sofas and armchairs, a stone fireplace at the end. There was a door leading to somewhere at the end of the open planned room and a staircase leading up the back wall. He looked to Dilan who had stepped in after him and while her face was straight, her arms were crossed tightly over her chest, trying to conserve warmth. Levi guessed it was pretty cold night.

"I'll start a fire." He mumbled, to which he only got a nod in response as Dilan went into the kitchen and lit an oil lamp. Levi sighed again, heading into the communal room to assemble the logs neatly.

Once he was done, he sat down on the sofa and stared into the roaring flames. He wasn't sure how long he sat like that. Staring and thinking. Thinking and staring but he was brought out of it as Dilan walked up to him. He looked up at her, tanned features illuminated by the glow of light, reflection of the fire dancing in her orange eyes. For a second, he was mesmerised, and it brought him back to a conversation he had with Hanji a good 8 months ago now when him and Dilan had started to become real friends.

Levi was down at the infirmary delivering some paperwork to Hanji from Mike since all the runners were busy for some reason. It was a free day and Dilan was out with the squad on a horsehide. She had offered he join but Levi declined. He had never done stuff with the squad before and they were all so intimidated by him he knew it would be weird. Besides, he would only ever go because Dilan was there, and he could just hang out with her at training the next day.

Levi knocked on the door and waited, the steel contraption opened a second later, framing a grinning brunet. Levi frowned immediately and flicked her on the forehead.

"Ow!" She complained as he brushed passed her into her laboratory. Something smelled like shit and if he was a less intelligent person, he might have even asked his crazy ass friend why.

"You're too excited all the time." He replied simply, scrunching up his nose in disgust as he failed to find a clean surface on which he could lay the report down. Hanji cackled, walking into the room and snatching it from him before slamming it down on a stool where it will likely be forgotten about until Erwin asked for her thoughts on the matter. Levi rolled his eyes and turned to leave, not being able to stay in Hanji's workplace for more than 5 minutes at a time or his OCD would begin acting up and he would start wanting to tidy things. He would be here all fucking day if that happened.

"Levi?" Hanji asked. Levi glanced back at her.

"Yeah glasses?" He asked, monotoned. She smirked evilly and Levi didn't like it.

"So... you and Dilan are friends, now right?" She asked happily. Levi frowned. He really didn't like this and yet he played along anyway.

"Yeah, shit face. Get to the point I have stuff to do." He sighed. Hanji chuckled and sat down on her stool, on the report. Levi pinched the brim of his nose in annoyance and opened his mouth to tell her what a fucking idiot she was, but she cut him off before he could.

"Do you find Dilan attractive?" Hanji asked and Levi tensed up a bit. Where the hell had that come from?

"The fuck?" He hissed. Hanji laughed, rolling her eyes.

"It's a simple question Levi." She crossed her arms. Levi was extremely uncomfortable.

"It's really not." He spat back. Hanji hummed, scribbling something down on a notepad she materialised from nowhere. "Hey." Levi frowned, walking towards her. "The fuck are you writing?" He tried to grab the notebook, but Hanji sprang back like a frog before he could.

"Nothing about you. Scouts honour!" She grinned like a madman. Levi scowled at her.

"Whatever." He snapped, done with his conversation and was about to close the door behind him when he heard Hanji's shrill happy voice sound out.

"You'll be dating within the next year!" She shrieked before bursting out laughing. Levi's eyes widened as the door clicked shut and he stood their frozen.

"I am going to kill you!" He yelled through the steel, hearing only more laughter as a response. Levi huffed in annoyance and stomped back down the corridor. "What a fucking lunatic." He mumbled under his breath.

"Here." Dilan said plainly, snapping him out of his thoughts. Levi looked down and saw she was holding out a cup of tea. Levi blinked at it, wondering when she had made that and took it from her hands, observing she hadn't made herself one. Dilan nodded and turned towards the staircase. Levi looked down at the dark liquid, black, just the way he liked it and felt emotion swell in his throat. Levi bit his lip and swallowed the emotion down, looking over to Dilan who was attempting to retreat. His friend was still there. He knew it.

"Dilan." He spoke, summoning some courage. Dilan stopped moving but didn't turn around. He took a breath. "Would you just... could you just sit with me for a bit?" He asked, surprised by how desperate his own voice sounded. Dilan seemed surprised too as she turned around to look at him, slight shock in her normally narrowed eyes. It was the most emotion Levi had seen from her in the last six months. Then it was gone again.

"Is that an order, Captain?" She asked and Levi clenched his jaw, trying hard to ignore the hurt from her cold words. She hadn't called him by his name since that day, addressing him as sir when she had to. It brought back the distance he hated but it's not like he could do anything about it. Guess his new status meant she'd call him Captain from now on. Somehow it felt worse.

"No." He mumbled, looking back at the fire. Why did he even try? There was hesitation and a bit of hope sparked in his chest. Dilan rarely every hesitated these dates. Her movements were sharp and efficient. She lived the life of a robot. Still, he didn't look at her, kept staring straight ahead and ignoring the thumping of his heart in anticipation.

The creak of the wood under her feet indicated Dilan was moving and he thought she was going to leave for a second before he heard the shift of the couch's leather material as she sat down on the sofa, a cushion away from him. Levi was shocked but he didn't show it, continuing to watch the fire while he drank his tea which was amazing, but he didn't tell her that. He was reluctant to say anything, not wanting to spook her. This was the longest she had stuck around him without her being obligated to like at a meeting. It was certainly the most time they had been alone together in six months.

Time continued and Levi finished his tea, placing it on the coffee table in front of them. The fire crackled they continued to wait in the silence. Levi had been building up the courage to speak for about an hour now which is why he almost flinched when Dilan spoke first.

"I'm sorry, Levi." She muttered, shocking Levi to his core at the amount of emotion in her voice. He swallowed and turned his head to look at her, a pain erupting in his chest when he saw the tears rolling down her faces as she continued to stare into the fire.

"Don't be." He replied, not knowing what else to say. He wanted to reach out, to hug her, to do something but he didn't know if she was ready for that. He knew he didn't want her to be sorry though. Dilan looked over at him with glossy amber eyes and Levi saw the pain she had been hiding from the world. He saw the Dilan she had been hiding from the world.

"Why? I've been so horrible to you." She practically whispered, hugging her knees. Levi moved a little closer, seeing how she would react. She didn't flinch so he counted it as a win.

"It's okay, brat." Levi comforted softly but Dilan seemed to unravel further at the nickname as she bit her lip to muffle a whimper.

"It's not okay. Y-you lost the squad too and I just shut you out. I was a horrible friend... a horrible person. I-I almost let Moblit die on that last expedition... how do you not hate me? Why do you keep trying?" She cried, breathing shakily. Levi felt his heart lurch at the pain on his friends face and he couldn't stop himself from getting closer and pulling her into a hug. Dilan tensed and he was worried for a second, about to pull away when she hugged him back tightly, continuing to cry into his shoulder as her body wracked with silent sobs.

"I'll always try, Dil. You're my best friend." He answered quietly, holding her close while she let it all out. It hurt to hear her cry like that, but he knew she needed it. She had probably been blocking it out for the last 6 months.

"I-I'm sorry, I'm s-sorry..." She mumbled shakily. Levi blinked back the tears.

"I know, brat. It's okay, I'm sorry too." He said gently, mentally thanking Erwin for this excessive house. If they weren't forced to live in the same place this might not have ever happened. She may never have come back to him. Dilan took a shaky breath and pulled back a bit to look him in the eye. She swallowed and bit her lip.

"L-Levi I-" She cut herself off, on the verge of breaking down again. Levi instinctively took her hand, squeezing it for comfort. She took a breath and managed to continue with the support. "I-I need your help." She whispered shakily. Levi nodded seriously.

"Anything." He said. Dilan blinked out a tear and nodded, letting go of him for a second. Levi looked at her with confusion as she shrugged off her brown jacket and unbuttoned her shirt sleeve with shaky fingers, taking a moment to calm down before rolling up her sleeve. Levi looked at her bandaged forearm for a second, patchy stains of blood where it had soaked through the material before his eyes widened realisation. His eyes flicked back up to her tortured orange orbs. "You started cutting again." He stated, making sure there was no anger in his voice. He was simply shocked and sad that he couldn't be there for her. Yes, there was anger there but not at her. At himself for not realising. He should have noticed the subtle winces over the last six months. The way she bit her lip to stop from expressing pain when she grabbed her arm to confront her after the most recent expedition.

Dilan nodded and quickly pulled down her sleeve again. Her hands were shaking too much, so Levi buttoned it up for her. She clenched her fists and swallowed hard.

"There's more on my legs... I ran out of room." She admitted, not looking him in the eye. "I'm so fucking pathetic. I watch them die every night and I wake up and there's just pain... I was falling too deep and I-I didn't want to drag you down with me, so I pushed you away. You and Hanji, everything. I pushed my emotions away and I just cut until the pain stopped. It always comes back and I know it was stupid but there's this moment after I cut... where I'm just... numb. Where I feel nothing, and I love it. Sometimes it hurts so bad, Levi, I just can't breathe. I-I miss them so much, I-It's my fault. I killed them." She sobbed, completely broken. Levi was horrified listening to her, but he let her get it all out. She needed to get it off her chest. They always let each other talk, it was the foundation of their friendship. Levi didn't realise how much her pain was affecting him until he felt a tear slide down his cheek and he quickly wiped it away. He hadn't cried since his friends died. He had really let this brat in deep, hadn't he? Levi got over his shock and hugged her again.

"You're not pathetic. you human. Life fucking sucks, there's no point denying it and sometimes we do what we've got to do to feel numb for a bit. We punish ourselves to lessen our guilt, why do you think I barely eat or sleep? I will always blame myself for my friends' deaths. I left them alone and they were massacred. People will tell you it's not your fault and I can say the same, but it won't change how you feel. I know that better than most. It doesn't make you pathetic to hurt, brat. You can feel pain and you can want the pain to go away. But you have to stop destroying yourself, you have to let the people that care about you help you. The squad wouldn't want you to do this to yourself. You know they wouldn't want this, right?" Levi asked carefully. Dilan sniffed, holding onto him tightly. There was a hesitation before she managed a nod. Levi sighed a silent breath of relief. "Good. Now can you stop being so fucking stubborn and let me help you?" He said with a bit of attitude. He was slightly pissed she never came to him. Levi cracked a smile as Dilan let out a small emotional laugh. It was music to his ears after 6 months of nothing. Levi realised this was the first time he had smiled again in 6 months too.

"Yes." She said firmly. Levi smiled in approval.

"So, when you have a nightmare or get the urge to cut what are you going to do?" He persisted sternly. Dilan pulled back to smile at him and rolled her eyes slightly.

"Find you." She smiled and wiped her face. Levi smiled back in relief, so fucking thankfully she was finally getting back to normal.

"Damn straight, idiot." He quipped, his chest warming as Dilan laughed again.

"Wow, I missed being called an idiot way too much." She chuckled standing up. Levi let out a puff of amusement, rolling his eyes.

"I missed calling you an idiot way too much." He retorted, collecting his tea. Dilan sniggered.

"Aw, you missed me, Captain?" She teased. Levi gave her a deadpan look.

"Shut the fuck up. You start that 'sir' or 'Captain' shit again and I will beat your ass. When we're alone, I'm Levi. End. Of." He threatened. Dilan smiled at that.

"Sure, sure. Congrats on the promotion by the way." She said genuinely as she followed him into the kitchen. Levi smiled unconsciously. Holy shit had he missed this brat.

"Thanks. You know you moved up a level too. Second in command." He pointed out as he washed up the cup at the sink. With the oil lamp he could see the place a lot more clearly now. The kitchen was small and modest but everything they needed. It had cabinets and cupboards, a sink and a stove. The room was crafted out of wood like everywhere else, but the surfaces were made of a kind of polished stone. There was a large oval shaped table with chairs in the middle of the room made of light oak while the floors were dark oak panels. The dark oak continued out into the communal lounge where there were brown leather sofas and armchairs, a small coffee table and a dark blue and green rug underneath. Either side of the fireplace were two empty bookshelves. Levi didn't have enough books to fill even one of them, besides he was going to keep all his books in his room.

"True. Pissed that I made second in command in a year and it took you three?" She smirked. Levi rolled his eyes. What a brat.

"You're only here because of me. Don't get cocky." He replied. Dilan hummed and sat down at the table.

"I don't know about that. I'm the alleged Titan Ripper. Got a nicer ring to it than humanity's strongest don't you think?" She teased. Levi turned to glare at her, and she laughed.

"You actually like your stupid nickname?" He asked, shocked. Dilan laughed and shook her head.

"Nah. It's quite funny though. Cadets are hilarious." She mused. Levi rolled his eyes, but he had to agree as he dried the cup and placed it back in the cupboard. "Pretty excessive house, don't you think?" She asked and Levi scoffed.

"This is Eyebrows we're talking about." He reminded and she chuckled.

"True." She shrugged, getting up and walking back into the other room. Levi ignored how his heart jumped as she walked away. Was that it? He wasn't ready for her to just be gone again. Still, he had pride, so he didn't voice his concerns. That didn't change the relief he felt when Dilan turned back to look at him expectedly. "Come on, grumps. May as well see what we're dealing with." She explained, guesting to the rest of the house they hadn't checked out yet. Levi bit back a smile and nodded, walking after her. His best friend was back.

DILAN'S P.O.V.

It was a long while later and Dilan was attempting to get to sleep.

They had started the house tour at the mysterious door at the end of the first floor which after opening it they realised it was an office. It was magnificent. The room had high ceilings, panelled floors and dark blue walls. Pressed up against the back of the room was a large mahogany desk with a sturdy looking chair behind it. Behind the desk was a massive window that looked out into the forest. There were long navy curtains either side of the glass. In front of the desk were two brown armchairs and there were bookcases on either side of the walls, stacked with books of different colours. On top of the desk was a small but long plaque in black and gold printed with the words 'CAPTAIN LEVI'. Dilan had broken down laughing seeing that managing to choke out how the room was 'pretentious as shit'. It was so not Levi. She got a sharp flick on the head for that comment, but she had already seen Levi smile during her fit, so she didn't think too much off it. It felt amazing to laugh like that again.

The next floor up was a long hallway of different doors. 5 doors were bedrooms after they took a look in each one, 2 doors were bathrooms. They were simple bedrooms. Double bed with white and grey sheets, each room with a different colour blanket thrown off the end that matched the back wall, painted the same colour while the rest of the walls were wooden panels. There was a rug, wardrobe and mirror in each.

When they looked into the one closest to the next set of stairs at the end of the hall it was a little different. The room was only slightly bigger, so it allowed the space to have a desk next to the wardrobe. The bed was pressed up against the wall on the left side. The wall itself was a rusty orange that matched the blanket on the end of the light grey bedding. There were wooden bedside tables either end with oil lamps on each and a widow seat by the window which looked out into the dark greens of the forest. Dilan blinked at the luxury of the room. Looking next to her at Levi she suggested it must've be his because it was bigger. He simply shook his head and pointed to the desk which had a plaque like Levi's on it, albeit a smaller plaque with the words printed; 'TEAM LEADER DILAN'. Dilan's eyed widened. She had never had a real room like this but had promptly got over her shock as she saw Levi smirking at her and punched him on the arm before moving towards the next flight of stairs.

On the third floor there were only three doors. It was a much smaller area. To the right were two of the doors. One of them opened up into a small room with a table, books and parchment which Dilan assumed was for planning. The other door opened out into more stairs leading to the roof which filled Dilan with more relief than she would care to admit. She had missed her roof meetings with Levi while she was too stubborn to reach out to him and hoped, even though they lived in the same building now, the meetings could start up again when they both couldn't sleep.

The final door, Dilan realised after opening it was Levi's room. It was a lot, a lot bigger than the others. The back wall was mostly window but there was a sliding door that opened out into a balcony. On the right side of the room was a bed with black and grey bedding. The walls were oak panels and there were bedside tables either side. On the left side of the room was a cupboard, another desk that was less fancy than his office one but more fancy than hers, and a door that opened into his own personal bathroom. They had both stared at the luxury with wide eyes, neither ever having anything like this before. Dilan had commented that Erwin may have a thing for him as this bedroom was gorgeous. Levi had rolled his eyes at that telling her if she had been paying attention in the meeting, she would know that this had been the official lodgings for the special ops since the scout regiment was created. Guess her subtly not paying attention wasn't so subtle.

The pair had head back down to the kitchen and made up some dinner since they both missed theirs. They grabbed the bottle of wine that was put in the cupboards along with a few other essentials, but they would still need to get some supplies at some point, and went out onto the porch, sitting on a bench and drinking while they talked about nothing. Dilan was thankful Levi didn't attempt to go into any of the deeper stuff. She didn't want to cry again so she was glad the conversation was light.

Dilan had no idea why she had chosen today to open back up to him. It's not like she hadn't wanted to from the beginning but the longer her shut down went on the longer it was to snap out of it. She still cared about her friend, of course she did. She could never shut out that much humanity. It's why she often checked up on him while he was doing paperwork, not that she made herself known, or ordered cadets to take tea to his room hoping he would think it was from Hanji or Erwin. She wanted to make sure her friend wasn't working himself to death.

She was fully prepared to continue shutting him out, not wanting him to see what an emotional wreck she had become behind the mask she had created, but hearing his voice ask her to stay... hearing how... alone he sounded. It cracked right through her mask and she realised what a bitch she had been. He had lost the squad too. Just because she felt guilty, doesn't mean he blamed her like she thought he did. Levi never stopped trying with her, no matter how many times she pushed him away and it hit something deep within her. She couldn't shut him out again. Not again. She sat down and stared into the fire and everything she had been repressing came pouring out. And hell, if it didn't feel amazing to be herself again. To laugh again. To feel again. It still hurt terribly but Levi was right. The squad wouldn't want her to destroy herself out of guilt. She needed to stop spiralling downwards and accept the helping hands that people had been offering to her all along, but she was too blind to see them.

Dilan sighed, rolling over on her side and looking out the window. She had wanted to stay up and talk to Levi more, but it got way too late and they were both pretty tired. Still, her room felt too quiet and she was trying not to let it get to her. She found that her clothes and belongings were neatly assembled in the draws and wardrobe. Everything she owned held little reminders of the squad. Everything she possessed was brought with Tabs on their shopping days out, or given to her by Brand, Toby and Johnson. Brand gave her a few of his daggers after she had complained she missed her weapons from the underground like the sweet boy he was. Toby lent her multiple books that she had forgotten to return before his passing and Johnson, the idiot, got her a clay figure of an apple as a joke since she ate them religiously. She hadn't eaten an apple in a long time. Maybe she should try one tomorrow. Levi was right, she couldn't punish herself forever.

Dilan closed her eyes, shivering slightly as a tiny voice in her head reminded her that she was about to go to sleep and see them die. The voice told her to cut so it would feel better. So that the pain would go away. Dilan bit her lip, blinking out a tear and shaking her head. She had listened to that voice for so long. She had listened to that voice so many times that the scars across her legs were permanent. She promised herself she would stop again. End of. Farlan always said Churches keep their promises so that's what she had to do.


"YOU KILLED MY FAMILY!"

Dilan woke with a jump just like she always did. The nightmare, or memory rather, had been less intense than it normally was. Probably something to do with her recent makeup with Levi, but it was still enough to bring sweat out on her face and shakes in her hands. Dilan breathed out, standing up from her double bed and pacing the room. She took deep breaths to calm down, wanting desperately for the dream to not turn into a panic attack. When she didn't cut, that was usually what ended up happening which is why she always cut.

"Fuck." Dilan mumbled, clenching her fists to keep them from shaking too much as the urge attacked her body. She wanted to cut. She needed to cut. No... no. She promised not to do that anymore. Ugh, I forgot what a drag giving up is. How'd I do it last time? Then It came to her. Training.

Dilan checked the time; glad it wasn't too early and pulled on her uniform. She tied up her hair into a messy bun shaking her hands to try and stop the tremors before opening the door and intending to run until she couldn't breathe anymore. Her first thought was to go alone, to be alone, something she had grown used to over the past six months before she remembered something Levi had said to her last night.

"So, when you have a nightmare or get the urge to cut what are you going to do?" He persisted sternly. Dilan pulled back to smile at him and rolled her eyes slightly.

"Find you."

Dilan looked up at the stairs and bit her lip. She did want to talk to him, and Levi would probably kick her ass if he found out she was struggling again and didn't come to him. Nodding decisively, Dilan walked up the stairs, stopping outside his door. She lifted her hand to knock but hesitated. Why was it still so hard to reach out to him? It took everything she had to open up yesterday. Was it the guilt again? Dilan took a breath and shook the thoughts from her head. She couldn't shut him out anymore, not after last night. With that firm thought Dilan knocked on the door and waited.

"Finally." A low voice commented from behind her and she swivelled round, jumping slightly as she saw Levi fully dressed in his uniform, leaning against the open-door frame of the roof with his arms crossed, that annoying smirk on his lips.

"The fuck did you get there?!" She yelled, her heart still jumping from the fright. Creepy bastard. Levi snickered and pushed off the frame walking towards her.

"Since you came up here and stood there like an idiot about 5 minutes ago." He shrugged. Dilan frowned at him. What an asshole. "I hoped you would knock, or I would have had to kick your ass. You promised to let me help you remember?" He raised an eyebrow. Dilan had to bite back a smile.

"Well I did knock." She huffed. Levi smirked, patting her patronisingly on the head. Dilan scowled at him, failing to notice how her panic from the dream was gone and her hands had stopped shaking.

"Yep. Let's go train." He said simply, walking past her down the stairs. Dilan glared at the back of his head, ignoring her amusement. She forgot how annoying he could be.

"How long have you been up?" She asked, following down the stairs, wood creaking under their feet. She had been worried about his insomnia lately. He seemed to look more tired than usual. She hated herself for never asking how he was. Levi gave her a reassuring look, seeming to sense her guilt.

"Not long. I actually got 6 hours last night." He explained. Dilan smiled widely at that.

"Really?" She asked, pleasantly surprised. Levi rolled his eyes but smiled anyway and nodded.

"You?" He asked as they went down the second set of stairs. Dilan could hear the concern behind his casual tone.

"Around the same probably. The nightmare was less intense too so that's something." She shrugged. Levi looked at her.

"Every night?" He asked. Dilan sighed.

"Most nights. If I get a break it's always when I was raped or some other shit from my past." She explained. Levi nodded in understanding.

"Life's shit." He commented. Dilan chuckled a bit. The bastard always cheered her up without even trying.

"Indeed." She smiled as they got outside into the fresh air and Dilan followed Levi as he started walking round the side of the lodge. She loved the location, even if the house was a bit much.

"Any episodes?" He asked seriously. Dilan bit at her lip. He was only worried, and he deserved an answer after all the silent treatment.

"A few." She admitted. "Probably would have been more but cutting helped that too." She explained. Levi nodded.

"Well you have to come to me when you feel like you're getting one of them too." He said sternly. Dilan smiled and nodded that she would. She blinked as Levi stopped walking and turned to her. "Why'd you hesitate back there?" He asked. Dilan tilted her head in confusion. "I saw you hesitate, brat. It looked like you were going to bolt for a second." He continued and Dilan realised he was talking about when she was going to knock on his door. Dilan looked up into his steel grey eyes, wanting to tell the truth.

"Habit really. I pushed you away for so long it felt unnatural to ask for help." She said honestly, observing the slight sadness in her friends' eyes. "But I don't want to do that anymore. I won't shut you out again." She said seriously, relieved as Levi smiled a bit.

"Good, that's a promise then. You break it-' He started in a stern tone, but Dilan cut him off, grinning while she did so.

"-You'll kick my ass." She laughed, running past him around the corner. Her eyes widened when she realised, they were walking towards the training fields she vaguely remembered Erwin talking about. There were flattened bits of land, smoothed down with sand for sparing in pairs. A larger platform for sparing like the one Mike taught them with back at the training grounds. There was a workstation at the back stocked with 3DMG and a target station with riffles. "Holy shit I wanna try a gun!" She yelled in delight about to sprint over to the dangerous weapon, but Levi caught her by the scruff of her collar, and she was jolted back, choking slightly. "Ow. Fuck you." She hissed, rubbing her throat. Levi smirked and rolled his eyes.

"I will teach you how to shoot another time. Sparing now." He said simply, walking towards one of the sand rectangles. Dilan pouted.

"I know how to fight; I don't know how to shoot. Teach me, please!" She begged. Levi ignored her and took his stance.

"We haven't spared in 6 months. I need to see how shit you've gotten." He teased. Dilan glared at him. "Captains orders." He smirked. Dilan huffed in frustration but didn't retort as she walked opposite him and leant forward slightly. She still didn't have a stance and she doubted she ever would. Levi had tried multiple times to get her into one, but she refused. The point of her lack of stance showed she was always ready to fight. It didn't matter that she was standing like normal. Once she explained this to her raven friend, he said he could respect that and didn't bring it up again.

"Ready Captain?" She grinned. Levi rolled his eyes but nodded and the pair ran at each other.

Dilan dodged the immediate punch to the face he threw, sliding under the arm and lifting up her boot to kick him in the back of the knee. While the attempt to get him kneeling was successful she failed to notice the punch to the stomach that winded her. The man really had too much strength for anyone's good. In her surprise he swept her feet, so she fell on her back, standing up and pressing his foot between her shoulder blades. Not putting enough pressure to choke her but enough to cause discomfort.

"Very shit, apparently." He commented lazily. Dilan scowled at him, mentally thinking of a way to win when it seemed luck was on her side.

"SPECIAL OPERATIONS SQUAD~!" Hanji's shrill voice sounded, and Levi looked up, getting distracted. Dilan smirked and twisted the leg, making him grunt in pain as she pulled it forward, kicking his other knee and he fell to the floor. Dilan punched him in the side of the face as he tried to get up again, straddling him and holding a knife to his throat.

"You got distracted." She grinned evilly as Levi glared at her. "Who's shit now?"

"Shut up brat." He huffed. "Get the fuck off." He mumbled, rubbing his bruised jaw. Dilan cackled and was about to get off when a scream made her jump and she looked back at Hanji staring at them with wide eyes.

"Y-your both here. Together. TRAINING?!" She squealed in delight. Levi rolled his eyes as Dilan chuckled and Hanji screamed again, alerting Moblit as he ran around the corner.

"Section Commander! What's all the noise about?!" He asked, worried.

"D-DILAN LAUGHED!" She shrieked, jumping back. Dilan cringed slightly as she got off Levi and stood up again.

"Wait-really?" Moblit whispered, sceptical. Dilan guessed she had been pretty out of it lately.

"YEAH, I SWEAR!" Hanji retorted, wide eyed. Levi tsked and got up, brushing down his clothes. Clean freak.

"Stop being so fucking loud." He hissed. Dilan ignored him and walked over to her shell- shocked friend, pulling her into a hug. Hanji tensed in surprise.

"I'm sorry Hanji. Me and Levi talked and I'm doing better. I'm sorry I've been such a bitch lately." Dilan said sincerely. Hanji looked over to Levi who nodded in confirmation that they had talked it out before the crazy brunet burst out into sobs and hugged Dilan so tightly, she thought her ribs were going to snap.

"SWEET LITTLE DIL'S BACK! MY BABY GIRL!" She wailed at an insane volume. Dilan smiled, ignoring the pain. Her heart warmed knowing her friend wasn't mad at her. She did really have great friends. However, the need for air became too great.

"Hanji... I love you too... but I can't... breath!" She choked out. Moblit gasped.

"Section Commander, you're killing her!" He protested. Hanji gasped and pulled back a bit, letting Dilan take in a large breath of much needed air.

"Oh, sorry Dil." She apologised, wiping her teary eyes. Dilan let out a breathy laugh and shook her head.

"It's okay. Forgive me?" She asked. Hanji smiled warmly.

"Nothing to forgive, sweetie. I'm glad you came back to us." She said sincerely. Dilan sighed in relief, glancing at Levi who looked oddly contented despite all the noise.

"So am I." She smiled. Hanji grinned madly grabbing Dilan's shoulders. Dilan blinked, forgetting how intense the woman could be.

"THIS CALLS FOR CELEBRATION!" She announced, grabbing Dilan's hand and pulling her back towards the cabin. Dilan chuckled as she heard Levi's colourful protests and Moblit's timid questions.

Dilan was pulled into the kitchen before Hanji let go and started rummaging through the cupboards.

"I swear I put it in here somewhere. How about here! No. Ha! No. Hmm... how strange." Hanji mumbled to herself as she scoured the kitchen. Dilan cringed as Levi stood next to her and she realised what the crazy brunet was looking for and that it was currently at the bottom of her and Levi's stomachs.

"We drank the wine, crazy shit." Levi said bluntly and Hanji gasped, looking up at them.

"Already?" She pouted. Dilan bit her lip to stifle a laugh and tried to give an apologetic look.

"Yep." Levi crossed his arms. Dilan rolled his eyes at his bluntness. Hanji was soon grinning again.

"No matter! We brought more, didn't we Moblit!?" She said triumphantly. Moblit blinked before snapping into action and lifting the basket Dilan just realised, he was carrying.

"Yes, section commander!" He huffed with effort as he lifted the heavy looking thing onto the table. Dilan and Levi blinked at it.

"You moving in or something?" Levi asked, both of them dreading the answer. Hanji chuckled and shook her head.

"No, no. Figured you could use some essentials to stock your cupboards." She shrugged, opening various cupboards and starting to slot things in.

"Canned ham?" Levi grimaced. "Canned ham is essential?" He questioned and Dilan bit back another laugh at her friends deadpanned face. Hanji looked back at him unapologetically.

"It was half price, Levi." She said proudly. Dilan shared an amused glance with Moblit who stood by her side as Levi pinched the brim of his nose in annoyance.

"That was a fucking trick to get you to buy such a disgusting thing. When will you learn?" He scolded. Hanji frowned.

"No bargain is disgusting!" She argued and the back and forth continued as Dilan laughed and shook her head at their antics.

"Nice to see you laughing again, team leader Dilan." Moblit commented. Dilan looked up at him and smiled gratefully before a pang of guilt hit her stomach and her face fell a bit.

"Moblit... about the expedition..." She started, needing to apologise for her brash behaviour. Moblit was quick to reassure her.

"Oh no, Dilan. Please don't-"

"No, I need to say this. I was blinded by grief, stubborn with rage. I put my hatred for those things over everyone's safety. I'm sorry and it won't happen again." She said sincerely. Moblit smiled comfortingly.

"I know, Dil. And I'm not mad but I forgive you anyway." He replied earnestly. Dilan smiled in relief, a bit more weight off her chest. She turned her attentions back to the bickering pair. "Oi! Levi stop being ungrateful. Hanji was nice enough to buy these things. And Hanji, canned meat... come on. We love you but your too easily persuaded by vendors." She scolded gently. Levi rolled his eyes but didn't argue. Hanji frowned a bit.

"Is canned meat really disgusting?" She asked the room. Everyone nodded. She sighed. "Fine. I'll return them tomorrow." She defeated. Levi quirked an eyebrow.

"Wait... how many cans did you buy?" Levi asked hesitantly. Dilan blinked as Hanji dug into the basket and pulled out ten cans of different tinned meats. Everyone balked at her.

"ARE YOU SHITTING ME, GLASSES?!" Levi yelled causing Dilan and Moblit to burst out laughing.


An hour or so later and they were all sitting around the kitchen table having just finished breakfast. Hanji had brought some more food as they had finished most of it of for dinner last night. Dilan had found out Hanji was in charge of the refurbishing of the house since it had been a long time since the corps had a special ops team and had come this morning to see how they were settling in. Dilan had commended her on her good work. Even if it was a bit much it was still an amazing house and Dilan was impressed how good Hanji was at decorating. Guess the woman was full of surprises.

Moblit cooked them breakfast, some sort of omelette that may have been the most amazing thing Dilan had ever eaten in her life. She had offered to help him make it, but Levi pointed out that she was a shit cook. After yelling at him that he didn't know that he gave her a bored look and asked her if he was wrong. She stayed quiet... as he was not wrong. She had never cooked in her life, bringing her to the same conclusion Levi had gotten to. She was indeed shit. Hanji had cackled loudly at their interaction, often mumbling how she missed her daily dose of Dilan and Levi. Levi kicked her in the leg every time she said that. Dilan was certain the crazy scientist must have a bruise on her leg the size of a plum.

They ate, chatted about things Dilan had missed during her 'absence'. Thankfully the topic was light. While she felt comfortable talking to Levi about the dark days she was going through, she didn't want to unload that onto Hanji and Moblit. They just wouldn't understand like he did.

It was as Hanji and Moblit were about to leave that the woman turned around bonking herself on the head and chuckling.

"Almost forgot. Erwin told me to give you a message that the cadet trials will we in a week. You will both be expected to show up and observe them before including the lucky four into the team." She explained. Levi nodded in understanding. "Alright. Guess I should go... one more Dilan hug!" She attempted to get back into the lodge and hug Dilan goodbye for the 15th time, however Levi slammed the door in her face before she could. Hanji whined loudly on the other side.

"Levi, that was so mean." Dilan pointed out, unable to hide her smile. Levi scoffed and started clearing up the meal.

"Was it though?" He retorted. Dilan chuckled and helped him out. There was a stretch of silence where Levi clearly wanted to ask her something. Dilan stayed quiet, letting him think. From the look on his face it was a sensitive subject. "How are you feeling about the idea of a new squad?" He asked carefully and Dilan tensed up subconsciously. Yup. Sensitive subject indeed. Levi looked at her with slight concern. She took a breath and relaxed, knowing they had to talk about it sometime.

"I'll admit. The idea of replacing them in the team... was one that messed with me for a long time." Dilan started, trying to get her thoughts in order. Levi remained quiet, giving her the space to think. "But... I think I'll be fine. It'll be hard but it's a necessary pain. How about you?" Dilan asked. he had been with Mike squad for a long time. Levi sighed and raked a hand through his hair.

"Necessary pain sounds like the right way to describe it. We'll make different choices this time. Things will be different." Levi said seriously. Dilan nodded, a tightness in her throat.

"Yeah and that's why you've got us to pick you up after you fall down. we love you girl." Tabitha said kindly. Dilan smiled and the guys smiled back.

"I love you guys too." She said honestly. The squad had become her family. She loved them with all her heart. Was this what caring felt like? She wanted to live, perhaps still not for herself, but she wanted to live for her loved ones. Her family.

"Brat?" Levi questioned, concern in his voice and Dilan realised she'd space. She looked up at him, blinking back the tears.

"Sorry." She mumbled, wiping her eyes with a sleeve. Levi walked over and pulled her into a hug. She breathed out in relief and hugged him back, thankful she had her friend to support her through this.

"I miss them too, you know." Levi said. Dilan nodded, feeling a bit of relief from his words. She wasn't alone was what he was saying. She chuckled as she pulled back, wiping her eyes.

"We're getting good at that." She mentioned the hug. Three hugs in two days. Levi was not a huggy person, so this was a big deal for him. Levi smirked and rolled his eyes.

"Shut up brat. You started it." He retorted, continuing to clean up. Dilan frowned but help anyway.

"When?" She enquired.

"Day at the forest, after I yelled at you." He pointed out with a shrug. Dilan hummed in remembrance. She had never seen Levi so stressed out before. She had only done what felt natural. Dilan was still surprised he didn't kick her ass for doing that.

"Any ideas for squad members then?" She asked, refocusing.

"A few, it'll be easier when we see them during training though. I don't want to pick someone based on their bullshit scores at the training corps. That's not how I'm going to do this. I want experience and talent. Only hard workers are allowed in the special ops." He said seriously. Dilan smiled at her friend, impressed at how good at his job he was. He had been ready to lead for a long time now. Probably since before she joined the corps. She was glad he was finally getting his shot at proving all those dicks wrong who doubted him when he first joined. "Oi, whatcha staring at?" Levi frowned. Dilan rolled her eyes but smiled anyway and continued clearing up.

"Nothing. I'm just proud of you." She shrugged, looking up at Levi in time to see embarrassment on his cheeks before he averted his eyes and rubbed his face, scowling. Dilan laughed loudly seeing that, thinking she may have seen everything now that Levi had blushed in front of her, and escaped the room before Levi could beat her up, her chest light and happy in a way it hadn't been for a long time. She would continue living her life with meaning, with the people around her. She owed it to those who weren't with them anymore to live her life to the fullest.


A/N: Hey! Sorry for the late update. I was unsure of how I wanted to go from such a tragic last chapter so I took some time and worked out my story line. Not to brag but I'm pretty proud. It's going to be great, I can't wait to share it with you guys!

In this chapter we see how she's been dealing with squad. She's thrown herself in the deep end but she does want to get better and she's finally excepting the help that she needs. With Levi's support I think she'll be fine now, minus a few bumps in the road every now and then. No one heals just because they want to.

If you look closely you can see their relationship has changed slightly. Maybe not in terms of Dilan but Levi is starting to see her a little differently. He feels the need to be around her a lot more after her 6 months absence. There's a slight shift in the way he perceives her. But don't get me wrong. We're still a long way off. As I have mentioned plenty times before this is a really fucking slow burn.

I also wanted to point out that her new name around the corps is not original and I actually got the idea of calling her the Titan Ripper from another great Levi x OC fanfic. I wanted to come up with something original but I couldn't think of anything and it fit her so well. I don't remember the name of the fanfic but I'll try find it and put it in the authors notes next chapter.

I hope you're all safe and doing well. I know it's hard right now but we will get through it. Nothing lasts forever. Except maybe our love for Levi ;)

Thanks for reading! Drop me a comment if you have the time. I really appreciate hearing from all of you! X