Chapter 20
Sesshomaru walked behind the others, senses alert. He was always alert, but even more so now that he traveled with Kagome. She was ahead of him, riding on Alastar. Miroku and Sango were with her, the three beside one another. If it wasn't for Nakoa at his side, Sesshomaru would once more be alone again.
He was getting used to it. Another three weeks had passed and so far, things between the group hadn't really changed. Winter had come and with it the first bit of snow. Sesshomaru had learned quickly that Kagome's scar still hurt her. The cold had her skin drying out, and she was forced to place a balm on it every day to keep it from causing her pain. When he saw that, after all of these years, he hated himself even more. Even now, she was feeling pain because of him.
It had become a routine for her. Every morning she woke and put the balm on her face, and before she went to bed, she did the same. Every time it was a constant reminder that it had been his claws that caused her pain. He wasn't sure he would ever escape the guilt that was starting to drown him.
A part of him wondered if he was being realistic. He had vowed to never give up. He vowed that he would have Kagome by his side, that he would have her heart. He wanted to make it up to her, he wanted her forgiveness for everything that he had done.
But maybe he was just a fool. Maybe all of this was wishful thinking on his part. Miroku and Touga both made it clear they didn't think Kagome could forgive him. Even Kagome herself had stated she wasn't sure she could forgive him.
Maybe it was best that she didn't. Maybe he should give up and let her live a life of happiness. These past few months that he had been following her, she hadn't seemed very happy. It was because he was there, and he knew it. He drained the happiness from her, kept her from smiling.
Feet stopping, he focused his attention on Kagome. She was still going, not even realizing that he had stopped. Nakoa nudged his arm, and Sesshomaru looked at her, wondering if he should let her go too. Maybe everyone would be better off without him. "You have Alastar now, don't you."
Nakoa pressed her head against his chest, and he ran his fingers through her mane. She cared for him, he knew, but she was no longer alone. She was pregnant, creating her own family. Sesshomaru wasn't a part of that. He wasn't a part of anyone's family. He had done that himself "It would be best if I left."
Throwing her head back, Nakoa whinnied in protest while stomping her front hooves angrily. She caught the attention of the others, and Sesshomaru rubbed her neck, calming her. He ignored the others, focusing only on Nakoa. "I am not wanted, Nakoa. I will not take you from Alastar. This is for the best."
She shook her head before placing it over his shoulder, her hoofed leg wrapping around his from behind. She didn't want him to go. "I have made my decision, Nakoa. I will visit. I will return when it is time to meet your foal." He patted her again, arms wrapping around her neck.
When he mustered up the courage to look up at Kagome, their eyes connected. Her face was unreadable, as if she was guarding her emotions. She didn't want him to see them. Was she happy that he was leaving? Was she glad that he would no longer be following her around? He was sure that was the case. She made no move to stop him. Why would she after everything he had done?
"I can never repay you for the things I did, Kagome. It was foolish to think I could. I have no right to ask, but Nakoa is now yours. I ask that you take care of her." Pressing his face into Nakoa's fur, he breathed in her scent, felt as she tried to pull him closer with her leg. "Good-bye to you both."
Ripping himself from Nakoa, he enveloped himself in his orb, and rushed away as soon as possible. He heard Nakoa try to follow him, but he was far quicker than she was and within seconds, he had out run her. He didn't stop until he was on the other side of China.
There was a thick forest, one big enough that he could lose himself, and that was exactly what he wanted. He was alone. Truly alone. It was something he had been getting used to, but now, without Nakoa…
Landing in the forest, he transformed into a smaller version of his true form. He was as big as a wolf, but still held his demonic characteristic. Paws tearing into the earth, he ran from everything. From Kagome, his guilt, his hate, his life. He had nothing left waiting for him. The forest in front of him, the trees, the grass, the animals. This was his life now. This is what he deserved.
He ran for three days straight. He wasn't sure if he was running in circles or if he was moving slower than anticipated, but the forest never ended. He only stopped when his body gave out and he collapsed to the forest floor, panting and exhausted. Sleep forced itself on him, and he welcomed it. It wasn't until he woke up that he realized he wasn't alone. In the brush around him, he could see several pairs of glowing eyes, all of them zeroed in on him.
At that point, he wasn't even going to defend himself. If they were hungry, or just wanted to kill him, then so be it. His drive, his motivation had been left behind with Kagome anyway. This would be easier. It would be following in his mother's footsteps. Petty, perhaps, but an out that he desperately wanted and needed. Accepting his fate, he closed his eyes and waited.
…
Kagome couldn't do it. It had been two weeks since Sesshomaru left, and every day it ate at her more and more. He had looked so broken and devastated when he said his goodbyes. He had looked as if he had lost everything, and the truth was, he had.
Nakoa wasn't doing very well either. She had tried to chase after Sesshomaru but couldn't keep up. She had been forced to return to the group, but she wasn't the same. Before she had been happy and playful. Now she walked with her head down, her hooves scraping against the forest ground with each step. She was grieving the loss of her best friend.
Despite the fact that Sesshomaru hadn't really been a part of the group, they had become accustomed to his presence. Despite everything between them, Kagome felt as if there was a part of her missing now that he was gone. She couldn't explain it. She didn't know if she even wanted to. He had hurt her repeatedly over fifteen years. She shouldn't… miss him.
Bringing Alastar to a stop, Kagome tightened her hands around his mane, tears burning her eyes. He was alone. She couldn't imagine how that felt. He had been isolated from everyone and everything. It was partially his fault. She knew it was, but she couldn't help but to think of everything she had learned about him.
His mother had killed herself, had turned herself human to slit her own throat, and Sesshomaru was the one that found her. That had left scars on Sesshomaru's heart. It changed him to find her that way. It wasn't a good change, but it was one that was out of his control. He lashed out at everyone, hurt anyone that was close to him, but it was only because he didn't know how to handle his feelings. He wasn't sure how to handle the grief that had been inside of him.
When he could process it, when he realized he had been in the wrong, he came to Kagome, tried to make things right with her. She didn't even give him a chance, didn't even try to forgive him. She just gave him the cold shoulder, refused to acknowledge that he was a better person. Because of that, he was suffering.
"You're going to get him, aren't you?" Miroku placed a hand on Kagome's, squeezing. "Can you forgive him? For everything he did to you?"
"I don't know." Kagome's cheeks were wet with her tears, and she wiped them away forcefully. "But before, I never gave him a chance. I never even tried to forgive him. I put up my walls and refused to let him try. Everyone deserves a second chance, even him."
Miroku looked up towards the sky, sighing deeply. "I don't like it. I don't think he deserves a second chance, but I'll support you no matter what you choose. Go to him, Kagome. If you want to give him a chance, then bring him back. But just know that I will kill him if he hurts you again. You may be giving him another chance, but I'm not."
Kagome looked at Miroku, grateful for her brother's understanding. With a nod, she felt for Sesshomaru. It wasn't easy finding him. He blocked his aura and any traces of him. At first, she couldn't pinpoint where he was. When she closed her eyes, she felt him somewhere else. Inside.
She could track him through the bond that was still between them, even if muted. She had blocked the bond when she carved his name off of her wrist. However, if she unmuted the bond, she would be able to feel him, to find out where she was.
Knowing this would change everything between them, Kagome opened her bond, gasping as the loneliness overwhelmed her. She grabbed a hold of it, locking on to where Sesshomaru was, and then she let her energy surge, teleporting to where he was.
When she opened her eyes, she was in a dense forest. Her legs buckled, exhaustion from traveling so far bringing her to her knees. This was why she didn't teleport often. The farther she went, the more energy it took. She wouldn't be able to teleport again for a few hours.
Several low growls had her head snapping up. Five wolves, young in age, but old enough to be on their own, were stalking towards her, their fangs bared. She had teleported right into a wolf den. Slowly she stood on shaky legs, not wanting to startle them.
When a branch cracked behind the wolves, she looked up, seeing an enormous white wolf stepping out from the underbrush. These were all mortal wolves. There was nothing she could do to fight them off. Her best option was to get up a tree and wait out the few hours it would take before she could teleport again. She just hoped that would work.
Making a split decision, she turned on her heel, taking off running. The younger wolves howled in glee and tore off after her. They were surrounding her, herding her where they wanted her to go. It was as if they were able to think on a deeper level.
Heart pounding in her chest, Kagome lept for the first tree she came across, gripping at its trunk. She began to climb but screamed as one of the wolves grabbed her leg in its mouth, fangs drawing blood and tearing flesh. Holding on to the tree with her hands, she kicked at the wolf with her other foot, making it yelp and let her go.
When another wolf grabbed a hold of her pants, he yanked hard, pulling her from the tree and back on the ground. She thought then that she was going to be killed. She couldn't fight off that many wolves. Her reiki wouldn't work on them. She had no way to defend herself. She had one thought before she closed her eyes. Sesshomaru.
...
I know I'm a few hours later, but that's because I'm sick. It sucks. I have no energy, my throat is killing me, and I'm already over it. It's just allergies, and this happens to me every year. The pollen count in South Carolina has been off the charts this year. Literally. Has anyone ever had to wash their porch before? Coincidently, after I washed off all the patio furniture of the stupid ass pollen, I get sick the very next day. It's so bad, you can see the pollen falling from the trees when the wind blows. I'm dead.
Anyway, this chapter is another turning point for their relationship. Sesshomaru is realizing that he can't push himself on someone that doesn't want him. He made his mistakes, and he has to accept the consequences no matter what they are. He want's Kagome happy, and he finally accepts that Kagome's happiness may not include him. It sucks, but that's how things work sometimes.
For Kagome, she is unable to just leave him alone. Her heart is too kind and forgiving, and she knows that he has absolutely no one left. Plus, she understandably hasn't given him a true chance to earn the forgiveness he was seeking. She was hurt, but he is trying to make it right. The situation is tricky, where neither are wrong, but neither are right either. Its just one big mess.
For the teaser, because I am a few hours late, I will lower the reviews needed to twenty. That's twenty reviews from different people by Wednesday and you get the new chapter. Do I need to do a teaser with that cliffhanger? I will anyway. Teaser: Kagome against a horde of young wolves. Sesshomaru finally getting a little hope back in his life. And plenty more. Send those reviews, and the chapter is yours.
