Chapter 8: Everything's Messy

"Jay? Can I-?"

She held out her hands to him. Nervous, but wanting it enough to ignore the possibility of embarrassment if he refused. "Can I hug you?"

This time Juice didn't hesitate, walking straight into her arms so quickly their chests bounced off of one another. He didn't want to need this, but he did. He didn't want to feel like her arms around him, asking for nothing, were helping but they were. He didn't want to wrap his arms around her any tighter and breathe in her scent, letting it get past the fragrance of leather and smoke that constantly swirled around him…but it was happening anyway. When she transitioned one of her arms from around his waist to around his shoulders, drawing him down a bit more, he released a deep shuddering sigh and closed his eyes. Every breath in edged him closer to peace, every breath out loosening his tense muscles, requiring a bit more of her strength to hold his weight upright. Her hands began slow strokes, gradually lulling his crashing sea of high emotions to gentle ripples. Neither one could say how long they would have stayed that way if his phone hadn't begun to buzz.

Juice stood up straight with his arms still around her, mentally coming back to the room. His face showed the annoyance he felt. Snatching up his cut, he dug in the pocket to answer the phone. "Yeah?" After a while, he spoke again, "I will. What time?…Alright…Yeah."

Placing his phone on the room's tiny table, he turned to find Raniyah sitting cross-legged on the bed. He gave her a well-what-are-ya-gonna-do look. She gave an I-know-right look in return.

"Do you have to leave?" Her eyes were undeniably hopeful that he was going to stay.

He shook his head no. The way her face lit up made him grateful that he never got on his bike after all.

0.o.0.o.0

"I did get my GED, you know."

"For real?"

"Yeah, did a little bit of college, too. Just a few classes." Juice shrugged, embarrassed by the look of joy on her face. "Computer stuff."

"I'm so proud of you!"

Juice blew her off, shaking his head.

"No, really! I am! You think I don't remember that computers and games and all that shit was your jam?"

Juice frowned a little, "What don't you remember?"

"Why would I try to forget?"

Juice studied her face for a second, chewing on the last of his fries. It struck him that she really believed in who he was back then. What is she going to do with who I am now? As much as he would enjoy unloading the whole truth of how he got to where he is, to who he is - he didn't want to ruin the way she was looking at him right now. He didn't want to give up the dignity she was assigning to his hodge-podge education.

Could his old friend handle knowing that he had a married woman paying for those college classes that she was so tickled about? That all he had to do was dick her down a couple of times a week and she was willing to 'invest in a promising young mind'? What would Ronnie say to the fact that he traded living on the edge of homelessness for a relationship of sorts that was impersonal but mutually beneficial? That he basically handled his life like a business transaction, collecting college credits and a new laptop with his dick.

And that when his 'lady friend' reconciled with her husband, he was cut off and put out with a significant amount of cash to forget she ever existed. The first bike he bought with that money became his freedom. That motorcycle changed his life and garnered him respectability in circles that he would have never been welcome in. Those circles got him side jobs from some powerful people which paid for more of his formal education. Those classes landed him in a crew of hackers that sped-taught him so many skills in so little time, some nights his head would spin. He busted through the back doors of so many security programs he couldn't remember them all if he tried. How could he tell her that after his unorthodox relationship ended, his life began? How could he tell her that while she was still worried, he was living wild? How would Ronnie see me then? He wasn't ready to find out.

"Tell me some more," she said, gathering their trash into the plastic bag the food came in.

Juice cut his eyes at her, shaking his head.

"I'm sorry!" She struggled to hide her excitement at finally getting a peek at where he had been and what he had done back then. "No, I'm not. I wanna know, like, everything."

Juice's face suddenly carried a shadow, "No, you don't."

Internally she cringed, chastising herself for making it sound like he had been on a field trip or something. "I'm sorry. You're right. Are there other things I can know?"

Juice gave himself a minute to think back, "I met this kid at the Greyhound station when I first left…Erick. He was cool as hell. He was doing this backpacking thing. I hung with him for a while, sold my phone to get a burner and minutes for cheap. I really needed the cash."

Juice got lost in thought for a minute or two then started talking again as if he had never stopped. "He was funny, like really funny. He was a little crazy though and he like…liked to meet people. He had all this info on where all the shelters and youth hostels were all over the U.S. For a while, I kinda pretended I was doing the same thing, ya know. But in Chicago, he got into some trouble, so I bailed. I felt bad for that but he was older. He had a family he could call, people just waiting for him to come back home."

He brought his feet up onto the bed, leaning back on the headboard, crossing his ankles. "By then I knew how to get work. I had a routine, hit the neighborhood shops, make nice with the owner or better yet the owner's wife or kid. I swept floors, washed windows - whatever. I stocked supplies and cleaned at like six little corner stores in the same neighborhood at once. If I was lucky, they'd let me sleep in the back a couple nights, so I didn't have to give up any money for somewhere to sleep at. I worked my ass off. Every day." Frowning, he remembered the shady side of things, "Most of them were legit. You know, good people, nice people…but a couple of 'em ripped me off. Wouldn't pay me, blamed me for shit missing. But who was I gonna tell, right? The cops?"

Raniyah didn't know what to say. She wanted to reach out and touch him to erase it. To make them pay for making it harder for him when he was just trying to survive.

Juice chuckled, putting his hands behind his head. "I hated having to be polite the most. I mean, if you're gonna fuck me over and be an asshole then let me be a dick back. Let's go, ya know, let's do it. I wanted to punch somebody in the face but I had to just smile and then not go back."

His embarrassment hung in the air as if it happened yesterday, he chuckled low but he didn't find it funny at all, "Fuck em. Karma'll get em."

"Fuck. Them. Fully." She agreed.

"Fully."

She fluffed the room's cheap, flat, old pillows and laid down, matching his position on her back. As the night wore on the conversation got deeper, more revealing. Uncomfortable in its vulnerability, but comfortable in the familiar, trusting dynamic between them. They lay side by side, eyes to the ceiling to make it easier on them both. With his hand next to hers but not touching it, he felt the pressure building in his chest. His eyes searched the water stains above them for the strength to say the words that might damage the tenuous harmony they had found.

"You asked why I didn't call you."

Ronnie fought the all-consuming desire to roll over and beg him for the answer. Her hands balled up into fists while his silence stretched out for an eternity.

Juice spoke slowly, hesitant - as if testing each word for its suitability before handing it over, "If I had…called you, I mean…I wouldn't have been able to leave you. If I had called you in those first months, I would have come back. I would have gone back to my mom…I didn't know how to do anything else yet."

Keep your mouth shut! Let him get it out. Raniyah pressed her lips together so hard the color drained from them.

"If there was another way, I couldn't see it. I was too fucked up not to run." Juice's voice had gotten hoarse, dropping in volume. "I had to get away from there before anything else happened."

Raniyah's head turned toward him at those words. Anything else?

If Juice was aware of her staring at him, he didn't react. "To me, there wasn't- …maybe if I had thought about it longer or-" He stumbled over his thoughts, "I don't know…But if I had let myself think about you…if I had called you…I wouldn't have made it out." He swallowed twice before mumbling, "I didn't want to die there."

Die there?

Juice lay with his eyes focused on the ceiling while Raniyah studied his profile. The new realization sat on her chest, robbing her breath from her slowly. It had always been worse than she knew. She started to reach across the few centimeters of space between their hands to touch him but his voice, broken and heavy with regret, stopped her.

"I'm sorry I didn't-…I should have called you. Not right away…but…at some time. Right? I should've. Shit. I'm sorry." Raniyah's eyes filled with tears that she blinked back as fast as she could, the apology was so unnecessary at this point. All she cared about was that he was safe, alive. Her hand slid over, fingers spreading to interlace with his. Juice opened his hand, craving the touch that let him know she accepted what he was telling her and the past choices he made. That she accepted him as is. There was nothing they could do about the years past, but they could work to not let everything from back then keep them apart now. Her thumb steadily stroked over the skin it could reach, soothing him.

They lay in silence for a long time before she spoke. "What happened when you left my house that night?"

Juice turned to look at her. He let his fingers rub lightly over her knuckles deciding where to start and for the first time since her arrival he felt like the truth would come easy.

.


A/N: Dropping this chapter a day earlier than planned...I'm trying to do releases so that people have the weekend to get around to reading them. I hope it works for everybody. Happy to see that new readers have arrived, my heart is bursting. Welcome aboard, strap in! Drop me a hello every now and again...don't be scared. See you next chapter ;)*kjx*