((Note: Man this was fun to write... but it took forever, so let's just say 45 minutes has been, ahm, truncated. Or, compressed, if you will. Yeah. If you haven't written a review yet, you should write one. Otherwise I will be sad and unmotivated to ever complete the Arda Cup, and then you'll never know who wins, and then you'll be sad too. So.))
FIRST HALF
"...And there's the kickoff!"
"And Rohan has the ball! Of course the dwarves, having a shorter stride, are at a definite disadvantage here, but watch those little legs go! Oscar Son of Oswic has the ball... Flori Thunderaxe is racing for it... Son of Oswic passes to Edgart the Wanderer... Edgart passes to Eric Son of Erred... Eric passes back to Oscar... Oscar back to Edgart... Edgart to Oscar... What are they doing?"
"I don't know, Athonin! It looks like they're teasing the dwarves! This could be bad."
"OH! Thunderaxe gets the ball away!"
"How did he do that!"
"It looks like he darted between Son of Erred's legs! Well, the Moria team may not be much for height but they're definitely very dangerous over short distances-"
"-and in small spaces!"
"Flori passes to Doofer downfield-"
"Intercepted! Aelfric Son of Aelfred drives the ball down the pitch - Moria can't keep up. He'd better slow down or he'll get an offsides penalty."
"Aelfric passes to Eoron Son of Eomund, the Rohan team captain. Eoron to Oscar. Oscar to Eored son of Eogarth. Eored to Eoron... Oh, blast, they're doing it again."
"Well, they've got to pass the time somehow til the dwarves catch up."
"True, but the fans don't like it. I hear booing..."
"And here's Boron Clovenbeard, Moria captain, trying to get at the ball - but Eoron's evading him. As the tallest member of the Moria team at four-foot-nine, Boron can't pull off a trick like two-foot-eight Thunderaxe."
"Eoron passes to Eored. Back to Eoron. Son of Eomund runs it down the pitch - shoots! And the ball bounces off the goalpost."
"Rohan'll have to have better aim than that if they want to win the match - Moria may lack offense, but their defense is definitely Cup-worthy, and the horse-lords should find it hard to beat."
"Moria keeper Goli the Roly-Poly throws the ball to Clovenbeard - Clovenbeard kicks it to Coin Coalface - INTERCEPTED, by Ulric Son of Ulmar! Ulric to Aelfric. Aelfric heads it to Rolf of the Riddermark, who heads it to Aethelem, who heads it to Edgart."
"This is a clever tactic the Rohirrim are taking - if they can keep the ball in the air the dwarves won't be able to reach it-"
"-but that's not keeping Moria from trying! Nofur leaps for the ball, but it sails over his head and to the outstretched foot of Son of Ulmar, who executes his trademark bicycle kick-"
"No goal! Roly-Poly hits it out with his axe!"
"Right to Aethelem - he bends it into the goal-"
"No goal! Goli knocks the ball back onto the pitch with his axe!"
"Hallamoin kicks it in-"
"-Poly knocks it out! That's some impressive axe-work!"
"This is why MEFA wants to amend the rule-book-"
"Eric tries for it, Roly-Poly stops him! Amazing!"
"-to keep weaponry out of play - situations like this-"
"In! Out! Rohan can't get it past the wall of steel that is Goli Roly-Poly and his flaming axe of doom!"
"-are not fair play! Bret, are you even listening? ...And did you really just say 'flaming axe of doom?"
"Shut up, Merrypus! Now Poly's got it - he kicks the ball downfield to Snori, who runs it towards Rohan's goal - overtaken by Edgart the Wanderer! But Snori's not going to let him have it - there's a short duel for the ball - Edgart's down! And the ref's got a yellow card!"
"Yellow card! What rot! The Wanderer's got blood streaming down his leg - looks like he can't stand - medical staff are assisting him off the field. Now, see, Bret? THIS IS WHY WEAPONS SHOULD NOT BE ALLOWED ON-FIELD!"
"He's still got all his limbs, hasn't he! Looks like Rohan's substituting in Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned. He's an old hand at the Cup - this'll be his third tournament, and Rohan's first substitution of three. ...And the game's back on! Rohan has the ball - Flaedwic runs it downfield - past the dwarf defenders - past Flori Thunderaxe, shortest player on the Moria team - you could say he's a DWARF dwarf defender, ha ha - Flaedwic shoots-"
"OH! Right into Goli's ample gut. But with padding like that, as well as armor, Roly-Poly looks unhurt at that rocket of a shot from Thick-Skinned Flaedwic. He tosses the ball to Thunderaxe."
"Looks like Rohan's made a good choice in their substitution... Flori goes under Eric's legs again - Hallamoin goes for the ball but is deterred by Flori's axe, brandished threateningly-"
"-which some might consider cheating-"
"Oh, shush. Rohan's keeper, Hondo the Bastard, must be getting bored by now. And it looks like the Rohirrim have confidence in him, as they are letting the diminuitive dwarf steal past them like a wolf in the night-"
"Would you quit with the flowery language, Kanithion! This is a radio broadcast, not an epic poem! Thunderaxe kicks it in-"
"GOOOOAAAALLLL! The ball just brushes Hondo's fingertips and slips in! That's Moria one, Rohan nothing!"
"There's just eight minutes left in the first half, plus stoppage time - plenty of time for the horse-lords to score, but they've got to get on their game right away."
"This should put an end to the arrogant behaviour the Rohan team has been demonstrating throughout the match - I'd say that's the last time they let a dwarf onto their end of the pitch."
"Indeed. And Hondo kicks the ball more than three-quarters of the way down the field to Rolf of the Riddermark, who's ready to head it to Aethelem, who heads it into the Moria goal-"
"-and over it! He's overshot! Snori has the ball-"
"Intercepted by Eored! He kicks it towards the goal-"
"No good, Goli knocks it out!"
"But Eoron's got it - feints left - feints right - feints a goal shot and passes to Eored, who kicks it in! GOOOOAAAAALLLLL! Roly-Poly dives for the faked shot and a perfect kick by Son of Eogarth slips past him into the net! Beautiful!"
"And now there's two minutes stoppage time - Rohan's got the ball again-"
"Fofur gets it! He's dribbling it down the field-"
"-passes to Lori-"
"Intercepted! Flaedwic Thick-Skin knees it to Son of Oswic-"
"-who shoots-"
"No good! And there's the whistle. That ends the first half of this quarterfinal match with Rohan and Moria tied one-one. We'll return with the second half after these messages from our sponsors..."
