SECOND HALF
((Author's note: Sorry I put in that, um, fast-forward, so to speak, in the middle, but you're not really missing anything... really...))
"We now return to you from Redhorn Gate Stadium, where Moria and Rohan are tied one-one at the start of the second half of the first quarterfinal. Who will proceed to the semifinals? Whose hopes for the Arda Cup will be dashed? It'll all be decided in the next forty-five minutes."
"And Rohan's got the ball! Eric Son of Erred's dribbling it down the pitch - passes to Aethelem, who passes to Hallamoin... It looks like the Rohirrim have finally got up the speed they're known for, which was noticeably lacking in the first half. Hallamoin kicks it to Eoron, who dodges past the dwarves as if they were stone. He shoots- No goal! Bounces off the top of the crossbar!"
"Snori throws it in - recall he got a yellow card in the first half for crippling Edgart the Wanderer, Rohan's star striker-"
"Oh, come off it, Athonin, 'crippling'? I'd hardly say that..."
"Coin Coalface heads it to Fofur, but unfortunately Oscar Son of Oswic's foot is there to intercept it! Oscar kicks it to Flaedwic the Thick-Skinned, who pokes it to Hallamoin, who shoots-"
"GOOOOOAAAAALLLLL! Great Ulmo, Athonin, did you see that! That has got to be one of the most beautiful shots I have ever seen in a regulation match!"
"For all of you listeners, what we have just witnessed is what makes Hallamoin one of the most desirable players in club football. He managed to arc the ball in the exact perfect manner so as to avoid the cluster of Moria defenders and his own teammates, clear keeper Roly-Poly's swinging axe, and slip into the top left corner of the goal just out of Poly's reach to swish into the net behind him. Incredible."
"In the forty-ninth minute, it's Rohan two, Moria one, with a spectacular goal by Hallamoin... And the crowd appears to be chanting, 'Give 'em hell, Halla,' as Loin drives the ball down the pitch toward the Rohan goal. Loin passes to Miner, who has not moved throughout the entire course of the match except to get out of the way of the halftime performance by the Lothlorien Women's Choir and to return to the opposite side of the pitch upon resumption of play. Miner looks startled - he kicks the ball away-"
"-right to Eored Son of Eogarth, who kicks it downfield to Aelfric Son of Aelfred - Son of Aelfred to Rolf of the Riddermark - Rolf to Aethelem - Aethelem's in good position - he shoots-"
"No goal! Blocked by Goli Roly-Poly's axe!"
"The dwarves have it - Rohan's got it! Rolf to Hallamoin! And the crowd's shouting, 'Hall-a-moin, Hall-a-moin!' He's setting up for a shot-"
"Intercepted! Flori Thunderaxe races in and steals the ball from between Hallamoin's feet! And he's running it downfield! Have you ever seen a dwarf move this fast!"
"Not since Odin Mithrilbrain in the 1984 semifinal between Iron Hills and Nan Curunir, but he was being pursued by wargs at the time-"
"OH! Flori goes down! I guess he was going too fast for his own feet! And Ulric Son of Ulmar races up to take the ball. Passes to Aethelem! Aethelem to Aelfric-"
"Now Oscar has it - he kicks it in-"
"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his axe!"
"To Eoron Son of Eomund - to Eric - he shoots-"
"No goal! Goli knocks it out with his massive gut!"
"Impressive... Aelfric's got it - kicks it in-"
"No goal! Roly-Poly gets it with his axe... There's the whistle. Looks like Roly-Poly's severed the ball in two right on the goal line. The ref's coming to take a look at it..."
"This hasn't happened since the Second Age! Hopefully the referee knows what he's doing."
"I don't doubt it - the ref's one of the five Istari, the lesser-known Figglenob the Puce, who takes time from his wizarding duties to frequent football matches across the continent and beyond. And - and - IT'S GOOD! GOOOOAAAALLLL!"
"That's Rohan three, Moria one... Oh, it looks like there's an altercation between Moria captain Boron Clovenbeard and the ref. Figglenob doesn't look happy."
"And Boron just shoved Figglenob! The wizard's got a yellow card! And a staff! OH! What was THAT!"
"Clovenbeard's - he's got donkey ears sprouting from his helm! And Figglenob's leaving the pitch-"
"Boron's being restrained by his teammates - he's shouting something at the ref-"
"The Puce Wizard slowly turns - he's pulling something out of his robe-"
"RED CARD! Clovenbeard's OFF!"
"Great Ulmo! That puts Moria at ten players, and with their captain gone they've lost one of their best players as well! Goes to show how much can be said for the wisdom of dwarves..."
"Indeed! And the game's back on, twenty-two minutes remaining. Rohan's got the ball..."
(Twenty minutes later)
"...And that's Rohan six, Moria one! The dwarves are just being slaughtered out there!"
"Quite literally in the case of Miner, who mysteriously collapsed just moments ago - we now have confirmation from medical staff that he did, in fact, suffer a fatal heart attack brought on by acute cirrhosis of the liver, arteriosclerosis, and overexposure to sunlight, not to mention severe shock when he was passed the ball a second time..."
"The dwarves have substituted in Moin, a rookie from FC Dale, just eighty-six years old. And Moin's got the ball - he's dribbling it down the pitch..."
"This is good for Moria, whose team has been looking increasingly fatigued - Moin's got fresh legs, and he's showing it! Look at him go!"
"He's running it towards Hondo the Bastard, who appears to be sleeping! As if this is the right time for a nap!"
"Well, who can blame him? The Moria offence has posed about as much threat of scoring in this second half as a hobbit has of joining a multiracial band of adventurers and journeying to Mordor to have tea with the Witch-King! Eoron's shouting at him to wake up-"
"We're on added time now, ofwhich there should be quite a lot- Moin shoots-"
"No goal! But that's got to have woke Hondo up!"
"The ball hit the sleeping keeper square in the nose! Hondo's on the ground - he's not getting up."
"Moin shoots again! But the ball bounces off Hondo's foot, which is just outside the goal!"
"Eoron's shaking the keeper. The Bastard's getting restive - OH! He punches his own captain in the face!"
"And Eoron's down! But as he falls he's deflected a third shot by Moin! Now THAT'S lucky!"
"And there's the whistle! Eoron and Hondo both look okay - a little bruised perhaps..."
"That's the match, folks! Moria goes home in disgrace while Rohan proceeds to the semifinals, where they will face Mordor or Mirkwood, contingent on tomorrow's match. Tune in tomorrow to see which it will be!"
((Final Score: 6-1 Rohan. Man of the Match: Goli Roly-Poly. Mordor v. Mirkwood coming up! It will be its own story, btw, not another chapter...))
