A/N: Heavy angst guys.


LEVI'S P.O.V.

To Levi's annoyance they only rode about 20 minutes before having to stop to collect the bodies and tend to the wounded that couldn't wait. Dilan's face was still pressed firmly into his shoulder and Levi was glad. There was so much dead being wrapped up and set to the side, he didn't know how she would take it.

Levi had been talking to her so far, trying to keep her responsive but she hadn't managed much more than a nod in terms of responses so far. That was good enough for him. As long as she stayed responsive, he was sure they would be okay.

But with every second, he knew he was losing her that bit more.

"Dilan?" He asked softly. No reply. "Dil, would you look at me?" He whispered, stroking her hair.

They had been given a few stunned looks so far, but a glare shut them right up. Most people didn't give a shit on the nature of their relationship. They were too busy mourning their loved ones that had died today.

Hesitation passed and Levi gave her the time she needed before she shifted slightly and pulled back to look at him. There were a few tears on her face, but it didn't look like she had been crying all that much. Levi supposed she was still yet to pass the shock. He needed her in that stage of numbness for as long as possible. He needed her to fight the darkness and the agony for as long as she could.

"Good brat." He murmured gently, stroking the tears off her face. "We've stopped for a bit, but we'll be moving soon enough." He explained. Dilan blinked tiredly, not looking like she was understanding all that much. Still, he continued anyway. He needed to keep talking to her to keep that bit of light. "While we're here I need to get Hanji to wrap my leg-"

"Y-your hurt?" She whispered, wide eyed, her breathing starting to pick up in panic and Levi's heart broke slightly but he kept it together, pulling her into a hug and kissing her forehead, reassuring her.

"I'm fine, brat. I promise, I'm fine." He soothed and Dilan took a few deep shaky breaths, calming down. He wondered if she remembered their fight with the female titan at all. "I landed wrong is all. It'll be fine, I just need to get Hanji to wrap it, okay?" Levi explained and Dilan managed a nod, leaning into him. "You'll come with me, yeah?" He asked, not wanting to let her out of his sight.

Dilan nodded quickly, giving Levi the impression that she didn't want to leave him either. Levi kissed the side of her head and reluctantly let go of her for a second to dismount, ignoring the slight hiss from his injury as he put pressure on it. He squeezed Dilan's hand to get her attention and she looked at him. Levi gave her a look, asking her to get down and Dilan hesitated before sliding her leg around the other side. Levi put his hands on her hips and helped her make the last step.

Tying down his horse he was quick to lace his hand with hers, eyes darting around for the section commander. He found her across the field, tending to some wounded and tugged on Dilan's hand gently to get her to move. She kept her head down but started walking slowly. It didn't affect Levi's pace much due to his own painful limp.

They made it to Hanji and her face brightened when she saw them but fell after taking a second look at Dilan's tormented features. She glanced around for the squad before looking back to Levi with panic.

He clenched his jaw and shook his head.

Hanji took a step back in shock and there was a moment of solemn silence before she pulled herself together.

"Dil, baby, do you need anything?" She asked, kindly, rubbing her shoulders, knowing full well it would be unproductive to mention the squad's death right now. Dilan stayed unresponsive but Levi felt her squeeze his hand a little tighter.

Clearly, she didn't have the energy to talk.

"She's fine. I busted my leg; can you wrap it?" Levi asked, refocusing. The sooner he would get her back in his arms on that horse, the better.

Hanji nodded, grabbing her medical bag they moved over to a cart that Levi sat on the edge of, not hesitating to pull Dilan onto his lap as soon as he did. Dilan let out a breath and lent into him while Levi stroked her back. He lifted up his trouser leg, biting back a wince. He didn't want to make Dilan more worried than she already was. Hanji grabbed a stool and sat down, starting to inspect his leg.

She frowned.

"Shit, Levi. It's definitely fractured." She sighed and Dilan tensed slightly. They both noticed and Levi sent her a glare to shut up.

"I'm fine, Dil." He reassured, kissing the side of her head. Dilan sniffed, managing a weak nod.

"People are going to find out." Hanji pointed out while she got out bandages and a splint. She couldn't do much more for him out here.

"I don't care." Levi replied simply. "How long are we staying here any-shit." Levi hissed as Hanji started wrapping the bandages tightly. He had never broken anything before, this was a lot worse than he thought it would be. Hanji gave him an apologetic look but didn't ease up the pressure telling him it needed to be this tight.

"Not long. As soon as all the de-" Hanji cut herself off, pausing and steadying herself before continuing. "As soon as we get everything we need, we'll be heading off." She explained gravely, continuing to wrap his leg. Levi nodded in understand, thankful she re-phrased for Dilan's sake. "I'll brief Erwin for you, focus on Dilan." She added quietly. Levi nodded, grateful.

She kept going and the pain got more intense. Levi took a deep breath and clenched his jaw, determined not to express his discomfort again and worry Dilan. Easier said than done. A grunt of pain escaped without his permission as Hanji tugged on the bandages to make them even tighter.

He took another breath, cursing that Mikasa brat for being so fucking stupid.

Levi's eyes widened as he felt a kiss on his neck before Dilan was stroking the back of his head and neck to comfort him. A thick lump of emotion formed in his throat that she would have the energy to do something like that for him. Was it just instinct or was she more in the room than he thought?

He hoped it was instinct, he didn't want her to be aware enough to go over what happened. She had just lost her squad... they... had just lost their squad. Levi cleared his throat, blinking back the sudden wave of tears that threatened to spill. He couldn't afford to break too.

Where the hell would they be then?

Still, he refocused, finding a lot of comfort in Dilan's attempts to soothe him. He held her close while Hanji finished up and tied off the bandage.

"Thanks, four-eyes. We'll..." Levi trailed off as his eyes focused on something in the distance. A cart had just come back from the forest. Four bodies were being moved onto a patch of grass. Levi could just make out a bloodied patch of ginger hair and whole body tensed up subconsciously. "Hanji... could you watch her for a moment." He asked, his eyes still in the distance.

"Sure... but why?" Hanji asked, confused. Levi set Dilan down on the floor and stood up.

"I'll be back in a minute." He replied, turning to Dilan. "Dil? I'm going to leave you with Hanji for a second okay?" Levi asked, making their eyes meet. The light of recognition was still there but it was dimmer than before. A tear dripped down her face but she said nothing else. Levi's heart lurched at the thought of leaving her, but this had to be done.

Hanji seemed to see he was struggling.

"Come here, little Dil." She smiled sadly, pulling Dilan into a gentle hug, stroking her hair. Levi hesitated before letting go of her hand. Dilan tensed a bit but did nothing to stop him leaving. Levi wasn't sure if that was a good thing. She was losing energy to do anything.

He better make this quick.

Levi fought through the pain of leaving her and turned around, walking as quickly as he could towards the other side of the field, stopping in front of his squads bodies wrapped in bloodied white tarps. He swallowed, a wave of guilt coming over him.

These people were his responsibility.

He should have done more. He should have protected them. And yet he couldn't afford to think of his feelings right now. He crouched down and got out his knife, proceeding to cut each Scout emblem off of their jackets. They were likely to be sent to their parents when they got home.

He wanted Dilan to have something she could remember them by.

"Levi!" Hanji's distant voice called for him and Levi furrowed his brows as he stood up wondering why she sounded so distressed.

Turning around his eyes widened seeing both Hanji and Dilan were gone.

Shit.

He moved quickly, grabbing his horse for speed and riding back over to the other side.

"Hanji!" He called, looking around. There were too many people and too many carts.

"Levi! Come quick!" Another distant call replied, and Levi took off in that direction, finding them around the back of a cart, away from other people. His eyes widened when he saw the scene. Dilan was sitting on the ground, staring at nothing. Her eyes were dead and she had a 3DMG blade up against her throat.

Levi's heart jumped in panic.

"I'm sorry, I'm sorry she just got away from me." Hanji whispered hysterically. Levi got down from the horse slowly. He didn't blame Hanji. He blamed himself for leaving her in the first place. He should have known better.

Dilan wasn't stable right now.

"It's fine. Go." Levi replied briefly, needing some privacy. Hanji hesitated, wiping a tear of her face and looking to Dilan in panic. Reluctantly, she walked away.

"Dil, can you look at me?" Levi asked, slowly walking towards her. His heart was pounding in his chest. One swipe and she would be dead. Dilan glanced at him with tired heavy eyes and it didn't take much more to know she was deep within an episode right now. He shouldn't have left her. "I'm going to sit down, okay?" Levi informed, taking a seat in front of her. "Brat could you give me the blade." He asked gently. A fat tear rolled down Dilan's cheek.

"B-but... I want... t-to die..." She whispered, another tear falling down. Levi swallowed down another wave of emotion, reminding himself she didn't know what she was saying right now.

"No, you don't. Something's messing with your head, Dil. You don't want this." Levi said seriously. Dilan sniffed.

"They needed me... and I w-wasn't there... I'm useless..." She mumbled, more tears rolling down her cheeks. Levi's heart lurched, taking her free hand, gently trying to squeeze some sense into her. He could make a grab for the blade but he didn't think that would end well. Dilan was quick, even in this state. One wrong move or one wrong word and she would be dead.

"You aren't. You are so far from useless Dil, please believe me." He asked. The tormented expression on her face only grew and Levi knew she was battling against every instinct to drag that blade across her throat.

"Y-you're all... dead. I'm alone." She choked out, her hands shaking. Levi's eyes glossed over. Did she think he died too? What was she seeing?

"You aren't alone, brat. I'm right here. I'm right here, please." Levi begged, leaning his forehead against hers, his neck was almost touching the blade.

"Y-you're here?" She whispered. Levi cupped her cheek, pulling back slightly to look in her eyes.

"I'm here, brat, I promise. I know it hurts but we'll get through it together. I love you so much so please... don't do this. Don't leave me alone." Levi's voice wavered a bit and a tear dripped down his face. Dilan looked at him and he saw a small spark relight in her orange eyes. She bit her lip and reluctantly lowered the blade. Levi was quick, carefully moving the blade away, dismantling it from the hand grip and shoving it behind him.

He sighed a shaky breath of relief, wiping his eyes with the back of his sleeve.

He almost lost her. He needed to be more careful.

"Levi?" She mumbled and Levi looked at her, pleased to find the spark had grown a bit bigger. She looked confused. "I..." She bit her lip, unsure. Levi's heart lurched, quick to pull her into a hug, holding her close.

"It's okay. We're okay." Levi reassured and Dilan held onto him tightly, choking out a small sob. "I'm here, brat. I love you. I'll love you so much. I'll never leave you." Levi soothed. She took a few shaky breaths and managed to calm down.

"I-I..." She sniffed.

"It's okay." He whispered and Dilan relaxed into him. They held each other tightly, not wanting to let go.

"ALL PERSONELL PREPARE FOR DEPARTURE." Erwin's voice covered the field and Levi knew it was time for them to leave. But he had to check something first. Gently taking her hand, he smoothed his thumb over her knuckles before turning her hand, palm upwards, and slowly pushing up the sleeve of her jacket.

A breath of relief escaped his lips.

There were scars there but no new ones. He checked the other arm too, pleased to find she hadn't hurt herself. He just had to keep it that way.

He took time to unbuckle the straps from her body and take the 3DMG aswell as her blades, Dilan sitting there motionlessly while he did so. She wouldn't be fighting titans in her state so there was no need for blades. And besides that, the ride home would be a lot comfier for her if she could cuddle into him properly without the equipment preventing her from doing so.

He took the dagger, that she kept in her boot, and slipped it in his own, satisfied by the lack of sharp things on her. It didn't mean he could let his guard down though. If Dilan was desperate to die she would steal his blades or find some other way. He needed to pay better attention to her from now on.

He needed to get her back to those walls alive.

Sighing, Levi took a moment to compose himself before turning back to Dilan, pleased to see her looking at him. Whatever little amount of attention she had left it was all on him right now.

"Come on, brat. Hang on." Levi whispered, pressing a kiss to the side of her head. He wrapped her arms around his neck, and he pulled her up, wrapping her legs around his waist just like before and moving to his horse. Thankfully Dilan was pretty light. There wasn't much added strain on his leg. He got them both back on the horse and took a moment to pull Dilan back and look in her eyes. "I love you, alright? We're going to get through this. I promise." He said gently, knowing the words calmed her, filled her with some good for a moment. He would say it as many times as she needed to hear it.

Dilan lifted a hand to stroke the side of his face.

"I... love you too." She whispered. Levi was pleased to keep her responsive. He lent his forehead against hers, taking a moment to enjoy the good feeling that the words brought him too. He pressed his lips to hers, intending on it being a short kiss but Dilan cupped his jaw gently, keeping him there. The pace was slow but comforting and if that's what she needed right now, Levi was more than happy to give it to her.

A moment later they broke apart. Dilan closed her eyes and two tears dripped down her face. He wiped them away, and kissed her again, pulling back and encouraging her to get closer. Dilan didn't hesitate to do just that, pressing her body flush against his own, wrapping her arms around him and leaning her chin over the curve of his shoulder.

He sighed in relief, pleased with her mental state for the moment.

He knew it would get much worse before it got better but if he could keep her like this until they got home, he knew they would be fine.

DILAN'S P.O.V.

Dilan wasn't sure what was happening at this point. She knew they were on the way home, but the memories were blurry and jumbled up. She'd close her eyes for a bit and forget where she was, focusing on the warmth of Levi's body against her own. She'd dream they were back in bed, back in that hotel, separated from the world.

Happy.

Peaceful.

Then the slight jolt of the horse would cause her eyes to snap open again and everything would come over her like a wave of anguish. Her family were dead. She still wasn't allowing herself to believe it quite yet. She was sure she would break completely.

Maybe she already had.

There were vague memories of Levi begging her to put something down and she remembered the feeling of steel against her neck. She wasn't sure what happened, but she imagined it couldn't have been good. She hated herself for putting him through this, but she wasn't in control right now. She was doing all she could to stop from shattering completely and Dilan knew if Levi wasn't here right now, holding her in his arms, she would already be long gone.

It was a scary thought.

"Still with me?" Levi whispered, stroking some hair behind her ear. He did this every 10 minute or so, checking to make sure she was still responsive, that she wasn't gone, drowning in the darkness. The amount of care he was giving her always managed to start another flood of tears, but she managed to nod each time, thankful he was keeping her together.

Thankful he was here to fight off the darkness.

"Good." He murmured, kissing the side of her head. Dilan breathed out shakily, holding onto him tightly. She was sure plenty of scouts had seen them together by now but, honestly, she didn't give a flying fuck. Given the fact that Levi had been initiating all the affection, she had decided he didn't care either. The world was cruel and the comfort they brought each other was the only their only light in the despair right now.

Dilan didn't know what would happen when they got back home. She didn't know how far she would fall but she knew no matter what, Levi would be there to pull her back up. He would be there. Always.

"TITANS APPROACHING!" Someone yelled and Dilan flinched.

No more. No more. No more. She begged, pressing her head into Levi's shoulder.

She just wanted to disappear.

"We're okay, brat." Levi comforted, wrapping an arm around her waist to pull her closer, he looked behind them, mumbling a curse. Dilan dared to raise her head slightly, observing the two titans chasing two cadets on horseback. There looked to be a body hanging over one of them.

They must have gone back to get it.

"Idiots." Levi muttered, sounding pissed off. Dilan blinked tiredly, seeing they were gaining on the group. She noticed Levi look towards his leg, frowning. Then she remembered he had hurt himself.

"I'll go." She mumbled. She didn't want him to hurt himself more. She could probably find the strength once the adrenaline kicked in.

Levi sighed, rubbing her back.

"You aren't well, baby. You're in no condition." He replied gently and Dilan knew he was right. She was completely useless to anyone right now and she hated herself because of that fact. She had never gotten an episode on the field before.

She felt so vulnerable.

A glance down and Dilan realised her 3DMG was gone. That was probably a good move on Levi's part. She was unpredictable right now.

"Levi!" The Commander yelled over the wind, slowing down his horse. "Can you deal with them?" He asked. Levi glanced at his leg again. He shook his head.

"Busted up my leg." He replied. There was a moment of silence and Dilan could feel the eyes on her. She was too tired to care.

"And Dilan-"

"Leave her out of this." Levi warned, his tone leaving no room for argument. For once, the Commander took heed.

"Very well. We'll outrun them then." Erwin decided, turning back to his troops. "FULL SPEED AHEAD!" He yelled, receiving confirmations.

They started going faster but Dilan could see they weren't going to make it. The titans were abnormals. They were catching up.

"Levi..." She whispered.

"I know." He sighed, glancing back at the abnormals.

"You know what we need to do." Erwin pointed out. Dilan was close enough to hear Levi swallowed nervously. What was he nervous about? Dilan wanted to ask him, but she was too drained.

"Hang onto me tight, okay brat?" Levi whispered. Dilan managed a nod, confused but she did as she was told, tightening her hold on him. Levi turned his horse around and started galloping back towards the titans. Dilan blinked, unsure of what he was planning. He was too injured to fight.

Where was he going?

She heard a scream and moved to turn her head, but Levi held her head still, telling her she didn't want to look right now. Perhaps that was a good idea.

Levi slowed down from his gallop and turned around, so he was riding with the formation again. Dilan assumed they had reached their destination.

"Dump the bodies." He said suddenly and Dilan's eyes widened. She heard gasps.

"B-but sir!" One of them protested.

"Do you know how many corpses we've already left behind. These aren't special." He said coldly and Dilan tensed.

But they were special. They... they were...

"Dump them. Consider it their last service to the cause." Levi ordered. Dilan could feel his heart beating wildly through his chest. It was clear he didn't want to do this. It was using every ounce of his self-control.

"Are we doing this!? We can't seriously be doing this!" Another soldier begged. Dilan gripped Levi's shirt.

"Let me go... I-I'll take it down..." She whispered, tears in her voice. She couldn't let them go. They needed a burial. Their families needed a burial.

Levi swallowed again, holding her closer.

"There's more than one, their coming in from the sides. We're out numbered." He informed and Dilan's eyes widened, blinking out a tear.

"I'm sorry there's just no other way!" The first soldier yelled.

Dilan tensed in panic, hearing the cart edge open with a thud and looked up in time to see the first body be pushed of the edge. Her heart jumped. That could have been any of them.

Eld, Gunther, Petra, Oluo?

"Levi... don't-" She whimpered, cut off by another thump of a body. She looked at the scene in horror, anguish attacking her body and she started to sob. Levi tensed, trying to hold it together.

"Shh, I know. I'm so sorry, don't look." He managed to keep his voice even, pulling her back from the agonising view, tucking her head into the crook of his neck and keeping her there as the bodies continued to thump and Dilan continued to sob painfully. "I'm sorry, I'm so sorry..." Levi sped up, away from the end, continuing to whisper apologies, his voice growing thicker with each sob that escaped Dilan's mouth.

Dilan tried to stop but she couldn't help it. She was just in so much pain. She loved each of them with all her heart. She couldn't believe she was never going to see them again... talk to them again.

She was never going to steal Gunther's breakfast, joke around with Oluo and call him an idiot. She was never going to have sleepovers with Petra... she was never going to hang out with Eld again. What if he never actually forgave her? What if it was a lie to spare her feelings? What if he hated her? He had ever right to. She hurt him. The last thing she did was hurt him.

"Brat, I know, I know it hurts but you need to calm down before you pass out." Levi tried. "Dil, please, you need to breath." Levi begged but Dilan could barely hear him over her own panic.

It wasn't long before she passed out, and she welcomed the darkness.

LEVI'S P.O.V.

Dilan stayed unconscious until they got back to the wall. It was probably a good thing. They ended up losing two more men and Levi didn't want her to see that. Besides, he didn't know if he could hear her sob like that again and keep his composure. Every cry felt like someone was ripping out his heart, he felt her pain as strongly as his own.

He knew how much giving that order would hurt her and he did it anyway. Levi knew it was there only option, but he was still the reason Dilan cried like that. He almost cracked right there but he couldn't.

He needed to get her back safe first.

She started waking up as the gate was lifted and the scouts came back into the walls, shells of the soldiers they were when they left. It was all for nothing. All that death and destruction and they didn't even achieve their goal.

The female titan was still alive.

Levi tried to talk to her, but she didn't seem capable of answering. It was obvious she was still deep into the episode. Levi wasn't sure how long it was going to last. At some point there were too many people in the streets to ride. If he wanted to get them out of here quickly he would have to get off his horse and lead them through.

"Dil, I need you to hold onto the reins and try and stay upright. Can you do that for me?" Levi asked, pulling back to look in her eyes. The spark was dim, barely there. Her eyes were red and puffy from all the crying and she had a small frown on her face. She looked so wrecked Levi's heart broke for a moment, but he got it together, squeezing her hands and trying to get her to listen.

Dilan managed a nod, no more no less. Levi would just have to keep an eye on her at all times to make sure she didn't run the risk of falling off.

"Good." He praised, kissing the side of her head and leading them over to the edge. He wasn't sure if she resented him for his decision. He supposed he would probably have to wait until she was of more sound-mind to know. Levi stopped the horse, about to get down when Dilan gripped his t-shirt with a shaky fist, looking down. A tear fell down her face and onto his hand. Levi's heart lurched and he was quick to pull her into a hug, holding her closely.

He tried to block her out form the world. From the pissed off villager's complaints about taxes. From the anguish of the mothers and fathers who can't find their sons and daughters. Dilan relaxed with every passing second until she let go of his shirt and Levi knew she would be alright.

Still he held her a moment longer for his own sanity before pulling back and wiping the tears of her face.

"We'll be home soon, okay?" Levi tried to comfort but from the way Dilan tensed he realised his words might be far less comforting than he originally imagined. Home was where the squad used to live with them. Every corner would have a memory of them. A little moment of suffering for her to go through.

Shit.

What was he supposed to do? They couldn't just leave and grab a hotel. They had duties to uphold. They had to look after the titan brat. Levi sighed, looking around. He caught eyes with Hanji by a stroke of luck and waved her over. Hanji got down from her horse after passing the reins to Moblit and walked over to them, face more sombre than he liked to see on the excitable scientist.

"I'll be back in a minute. Don't move, okay?" Levi asked. Dilan hesitated but managed another weak nod. Levi squeezed her hand before letting go and dismounting from the horse, making sure Dilan wasn't about to fall off before walking over to meet Hanji at the side.

"How is she?" Hanji asked, eyes full of concern.

"How do you think?" Levi sighed, rubbing his face. Hanji put a hand on his shoulder for support.

"You'll get her though this, I know you will." Hanji said firmly. Levi hoped she was right. "How are you?" She asked. Levi gave her a look. "Come on, Levi. You lost your squad, as a squad leader myself, I know how that feels. You can't just shut it out." Hanji said seriously. Levi sighed.

"I don't matter right now. You saw what happened earlier." Levi mumbled, eyes on Dilan. She was staring at her hands, a distant expression on her face. Hanji had to take a minute, blinking back the tears.

"I'm sorry, I should have kept a better eye on her-" Hanji started in an apologetic tone, but Levi cut her off with a serious look.

"You did nothing wrong. It was my fault for leaving. Besides, if Dil wanted to end it you wouldn't have been able to stop her physically." Levi said logically. Hanji sighed but didn't retort.

"So, do you need something?" Hanji refocused. Levi remembered why he had called her over and nodded.

"I need you to go back to base with Eren and watch over him. I know if Erwin found out he would blow his shit but Eren's unconscious and I'm pretty sure he'll stay that way until at least tomorrow morning. I need to get Dil through the night and I have feeling it will be so much harder to do that if we're spending it in a place with memories of all of them." Levi explained. Hanji took a moment, glancing at Dilan. She nodded in understanding.

"Okay, I'll cover for you. But I doubt I can keep it up more than one night, you'll have to come back by the morning. It's likely Erwin will want a meeting." Hanji replied. Levi nodded.

"Understood. Thanks." Levi said gratefully. They could probably use a week in the least, but a night was better than nothing. Crisis didn't give much space to mourn.

"Look after her, okay?" Hanji asked, tears in her eyes. Levi nodded seriously and they parted ways, Hanji going back to her squad, Levi back to Dilan.

"Dil?" Levi tried to get her attention, resting a hand on her thigh. Dilan glanced down at him with tired eyes. "Can you turn in the saddle?" Levi asked gently.

He knew how heavy she must feel.

A small task like this probably felt like a mountain but she was likely to fall off if she remained sitting the wrong way. Dilan let out a shaky sigh.

"I know you can do it, brat. Please, for me?" Levi asked, squeezing her hand. Dilan hesitated but managed to shift slightly, bringing both her legs around to face him. Levi steadied her so she didn't fall off and waited while she gathered the energy to do the same process again, facing forward. She sniffed, a few tears dripping down her face. Levi kissed her hand, letting her know she did a good job and he was proud of her.

He placed her hands on the saddle grips and she managed to grip them loosely. It was the best he could ask for.

He brought the reins over the front of the horse's head and started moving, leading them back into the crowds, easily manoeuvring through the masses. His leg felt like shit, but he didn't much care. He wanted to get her out of here as soon as possible. Levi checked her regularly, making sure she was okay.

"E-excuse me! Captain Levi!" A voice called. Levi kept walking. Whoever it was he was in no mood to talk to them. The guy didn't seem to get the message as he kept talking and kept pace with him. "Good evening. I'm Petra's father, sir-" He started, and Levi tensed, his eyes widening, and he froze in surprise. He looked back at Dilan and she had a hand over her mouth.

Fuck.

"Might, I bend your ear before she sees us?" He continued, not managing to catch the horror on either of their faces. He looked at Dilan on the horse, completely catatonic, and frowning slightly in confusion before understanding appeared on his face. "Oh! You must be Dilan! Or the Major, now, isn't it? Petra used to gab about you all the time whenever she came home for holidays, completely obsessed. Like the sister she never had, she says." The man chuckled. Dilan let out a small whimper that only Levi seemed to notice.

"We need to go-" Levi tried, starting to walk away, needing to get Dilan out of here before she had an emotional breakdown. She was still halfway responsive. He needed to keep that up. But unfortunately, Petra's father was completely oblivious and followed them as they continued walking.

"I received this letter from her some time ago. She always been so excited to be in your squad, sir. We are so proud of her, especially considering you hand-picked her yourself. It sounds like she's devoted to you in every way. So, devoted that honestly her mother and I are a bit concerned, you see." He chuckled. Levi was starting to find it hard to breathe. He didn't have the courage to look back at Dilan's face. "I know that fathers can have trouble letting go but still, I can't help but feel she's far too young to be thinking about marriage. She has so much yet to experience before settling down. I hope you understand. Perhaps you can experience those things together, travel for a bit?" He continued to ramble nervously.

Levi couldn't find the words.

What words were there? What could he say to explain? When the man opened his mouth to continue, Levi knew he couldn't let this go on any longer, stopping and turning to face him.

"I apologise sir, but your daughter is dead. Due to complications we were unable to retrieve her body. You have my condolences." Levi interrupted, not waiting to see the anguish on his face before pulling away, loosening a few top buttons of his shirt as he breathed shakily, trying to calm down.

Keep it together. Fucking keep it together.

A distant dark voice told him that he should cut. That it would make him feel better. He dismissed it immediately, having no intentions of revisiting such a dark chapter in his life. His eyes widened a fraction, realising how strong that voice must be in Dilan's head. How much sheer torment she was being put through in this moment.

Levi dug his nails into the palm of his hand and was quick to make it out into the clearing, down an alley and away from everyone else.

He turned back to Dilan, and his heart lurched at the pain on her face, mounting the horse behind her and pulling her round to face him. Dilan gripped onto him, leaning into his shoulder, she let out a few choked sobs before managing to calm herself down.

Levi took a moment to even his own breathing, her presence helping him as well before refocusing. He galloped towards the closest establishment he knew of. It was in rose, in the countryside. From experience, he knew it was clean and private, away from all the drama.

It was exactly what they needed right now.


They got to the cottage hotel an hour later when the sun was setting. Levi knew the old lady that ran the place. This was where he came when he was forced by Mike or Erwin to take his vacation days. It was the only place he had ever found the peace of mind to relax. Levi moved his horse to the stables, pleased to find that there were plenty of empty stalls meaning there weren't many current occupations.

Privacy would be appreciated tonight.

He got down and helped Dilan off the horse. She was half passed out and completely exhausted.

Levi needed to get her out of that bloodied uniform, clean and in bed.

Then they had to survive the night to come.

Levi let Dilan lean on him while he tied his horse to the post and took off his saddle before taking Dilan's hand and leading her towards the cottage. Levi was sure she was confused at where they were but as long as she wasn't panicking that was good.

They got to the front and he knocked on the door. It was opened by Mrs Billings a few moments later.

Mrs Billings was small. She had white fluffy hair and warm brown eyes, always caught wearing some sort of tweed ensemble. She was actually one of the few people in the walls that Levi could tolerate.

"Oh! Levi! Or should I call you Captain Levi. It's been so long! We weren't expecting you." She smiled kindly.

"Do you have a room? We could use a place to stay." Levi asked. Mrs Billings glanced at Dilan, who had her head pressed firmly into his shoulder and her eyes saddened seeing how dirty and bloodied they were.

"An expedition?" She asked quietly. Levi nodded. She smiled sadly in understanding. "I see. Come in, come in. You'll catch a cold." She moved sideways and ushered them in. They stepped inside and the woman closed the door behind them.

It was a beautiful structure. Small but beautiful.

Tall wooden pillars kept the space standing and there was a partly curved staircase on the left that led up to the bedrooms, a tearoom to the right and a mahogany receptionist desk at the front.

"Will you need dinner or tea. Our cook took off for the night, but I could whip up some sandwiches?" She offered sweetly, walking around to her desk. Levi gave her a grateful look but shook his head. He doubted either of them were going to be able to stomach anything tonight.

"A room will be fine." He replied. Mrs Billings smiled in understanding and looked at her books.

"Your usual room is vacant. Will that suffice?" She asked. Levi nodded, taking out his wallet and giving her the money. She passed him the key and looked to Dilan again, a sadness over coming her. "The poor dear. Can I do anything?" She asked. Levi gave her a look of appreciation.

"You've done plenty. Thank you for the room." Levi said and she smiled, bidding them both a goodnight before walking off into her room that was on the ground floor. Levi looked at the staircase after observing how shaky Dilan was on her legs. He picked her up completely and walked upstairs, ignoring his leg as he had almost gotten used to it now, going to his usual room at the end of the hall.

He would have loved to bring her here on better circumstances but sometimes life just doesn't work out that way.

Setting her down for a moment, Levi unlocked the oak door with the room key and brought her inside, closing the door and locking it again. He left the key on the side and pulled Dilan into his arms. Both of them sighed, pleased to be alone.

Levi looked at the room, noticing it looked exactly the same to the last time he had been here.

The floor was oak wood with a light blue rug. There was a bathroom to the right as soon as you came in and a bed in the corner. It had a dark oak headboard and white sheets with a few throw pillows on the top. The window was at the far wall with navy curtains hanging either side, framing the sunset over the Rose countryside and the walls were painted a warm yellow that wasn't exactly to his tastes, but the room was always clean.

He appreciated that more than anything.

Levi pulled Dilan back slightly to look at her. She looked up at him, yet another tear rolling down her face. He lent his forehead against hers, pressing a comforting kiss to her lips. Dilan let out a shaky breath, releasing some tension in her shoulders. He let them stay there for a moment before moving on, knowing things had to be done before they could settle down.

"Come on, let's get cleaned up." Levi encouraged, leading her into the bathroom. There was only a shower but that seemed more efficient. He didn't want them to be in here too long. Levi let go of her for a moment to close the bathroom door.

Opening the shower and turning it on, he walked back over to Dilan and made their eyes meet.

"Can I help you?" He asked, wanting to make sure she was still comfortable, even after their night at the hotel. They hadn't been completely exposed to each other like that since, thanks to all the chaos. Not that Levi wasn't planning anything like that tonight.

He simply wanted to help her get clean.

Dilan nodded. Levi sensed no hesitation in her eyes, so he started on their clothing, taking turns so they were always at the same stage of undress. He figured that might comfort her.

Levi peeled his bloodied, grime covered shirt off, grimacing slightly as he threw it in the hamper and worked on Dilan's buttons and doing the same with her shirt. He got both their trousers off with a little help from Dilan as well as their undergarments, gently pulling out the hairband that was loosely holding Dilan's hair up and setting it on the side before taking her hands and leading her into the shower, the warm sprays flowing over them.

They held each other for a moment. Levi watched the blood start to flow down the drain. They were both covered it in. You could never not be covered in blood after an expedition. The troubling fact was, more often than not there was no way of telling who's blood it was, but from the sheer amount on Dilan, Levi knew most of it was from Gunther where she tried to slow the bleeding. The rest was from Eld.

She had knelt in a pool surrounding his corpse.

Levi shook his head, trying to get the horrible images out of his head, coming back to the present.

Dilan wobbled slightly and Levi steadied her, knowing they should finish up quickly even if the hot streams were calming. He wrapped her arms around his neck and let her lean into him while he grabbed the small bottle of shampoo and gently washed the mud and blood out of Dilan's long black hair, rinsing it out afterwards.

He was about to roughly do his own hair when Dilan surprised him, taking the bottle off of him and poring some onto her hand before reaching up and washing through his own hair. Levi stared at her in shock that she would manage to find the energy to do such a thing. A lump of emotion formed in his throat again and he struggled to keep it together.

"Dilan you don't-" He tried but Dilan ignored him, pressing a kiss to his neck and moving him closer.

"Close your eyes." Dilan whispered. Levi hesitated before giving in. In truth, he was overjoyed that Dilan was as responsive as she was. He hated the thought of her trapped in the darkness with no way of expressing herself. At least if she was still talking, she would be able to let him know what she needed. After he closed his eyes Dilan used the water to gently comb through his hair, rinsing out the dirt with the soap.

He opened his eyes once she was done, leaning down to kiss her gently. She kissed him back before breaking it and leaning her forehead against his, breathing slightly shakily Levi pulled her closer, kissing her forehead before finishing up quickly, using the soap to scrub the blood off their bodies and rinsing off.

He stepped out of the shower and found the towels, helping Dilan out and wrapping it around her, gently rubbing the water droplets off her skin before doing the same to himself. He ran a towel over their hair once before deciding it was good enough, taking her hand and leading them out of the room. They had no clothes but that would be a problem to deal with later.

He just wanted her warm and comfortable, in his arms.

Levi got under the covers and pulled her in with him. She cuddled into him and Levi hugged her close, pulling the blankets over them both. He sighed in relief. They were finally here.

And yet, Levi knew it wasn't over. Not yet.

It wasn't long before Dilan started to shake, the first sob spilling from her mouth. The shock was over, and the despair was setting in. Even though Levi was prepared for it, it didn't mean the sound didn't rip his heart in half. He took a shaky breath and held her even closer if that was possible, kissing any patch of skin he could find in a desperate attempt to comfort her. Dilan gripped onto him with everything she had, crying into his shoulder.

"L-Levi it hurts." Dilan whimpered. Levi had to blink back the tears.

"I know. I know it does." He soothed, stroking her hair.

"I'm n-never going to-to see them again." She sobbed and Levi's throat tightened. "I didn't d-do enough, I didn't protect them. I-It w- was my fault." She choked out, her tears sliding down his bare back. Levi took a breath to compose himself, gently pulling her back to look her in the eye.

"Dilan listen to me. You love me, right? You trust me?" Levi asked. Dilan bit her lip and nodded. "You know I would never lie to you. It wasn't your fault." Levi said firmly. Dilan sniffed.

"B-but-"

"No buts. If it was your fault, then it was my fault too. Do you want me to blame myself?" Levi asked, knowing full well he was always going to blame himself for this, but in his case, it truly was his fault. He gave the order to separate. They were his responsibility. He was supposed to protect them.

Dilan's lip quivered.

"No." She whispered. Levi took a shaky breath, trying to hold it in.

"Then don't blame yourself. Please, if you love me, don't blame yourself. We can feel sad and fucking pissed, but I can't bear to watch you struggle through the guilt again. There's no way you could have known. Please, you have to promise me." Levi begged, a tear dripping down his face. Dilan let out a small sob, wiping his eyes.

"Levi I-I don't-" She sniffed. Levi let their foreheads together and closed his eyes.

"Promise me." He repeated quietly. Dilan took a shaky breath and hesitated before nodding.

"I-I promise." She whispered. Levi sighed in relief, holding her again. Dilan stroked the back of his neck. "Promise me too." She said in a thick voice. Levi's eyes widened a fraction. "Please." She choked out. Levi bit back a sob at her anguish, quick to reply.

"I promise. I promise, brat." He reassured, blinking out more tears that he couldn't hold it back anymore. Dilan let out a shaky breath, leaning into his neck, letting out more of her pain.

Levi held her through it all, the sobs, the shaking, the begging for him to make it stop. He comforted her best he could, crying silently. Every now and then Dilan would be able to calm down and they'd get perhaps 10 minutes or so of comfort to relax in each other but the agony of what happened always returned and Levi knew it was amped 100 times over thanks to her episode.

Currently, Dilan was going through a rather bad wave.

"I-I need it to stop! I can't do this again- I can't go through it all again! I can't-" She sobbed and Levi sniffed, holding her close and stroking her back. "I need something, I-It's too much, please. Just one, just one, please, just one..." She begged, her entire frame shaking, and Levi's eyes widened when he realised what she was asking him.

She was asking him if she could cut.

"No. No, Dil, you worked so hard to stop." He blurted out in a panic, pulling back to look her in the eye. Dilan gripped her hair, in so much pain he could hardly take it.

"I-I can't breathe, Levi. Please. I'll stop straight after, I promise. Just one, please." She cried. Levi clenched his jaw, shaking his head.

"No." He repeated firmly. He wouldn't let her go down that hole again. Dilan's face twisted in betrayal.

"Y-you say you love me, but you won't fucking stop my pain." She choked and Levi's heart lurched. "You d-don't love me! You're a liar!" She cried, trying to get out of his arms, to most likely look for a blade. Levi had to remind himself she didn't know what she was saying. That this wasn't her right now.

He kept hold of her, not letting her break free from his grip.

"Let go! Fucking l-let go!" She cried trying to pull away, but she was too weak.

"Dilan look at me." He tried but Dilan continued to squirm.

Levi held her still, gripping her chin to forcefully make her teary eyes meet his.

He needed her to listen.

"Dilan, I love you. I love you so fucking much and that's why there's no way in hell I am ever letting you cut again. Do you even remember what it did to you? How drained and shameful it made you feel? How many fucking scars did it leave on your body?! How many times did you almost fucking die?!" Levi demanded in a stern voice and Dilan continued to sob but she did stop trying to break free.

Levi took a breath, calming down a bit.

"We're the same, you know?" Levi continued in a softer voice, pulling her into his embrace again, trying to soothe the shivers. He hadn't meant to get that angry but the idea of her cutting again terrified him. "We don't like to feel it. We push it down or push it out. We do whatever we can to feel numb but it aint right, Dil. It's not how it's supposed to be. This time going to be different because we have each other. We can afford to feel it, you can afford to trip because I will always, no matter what fucking happens, be there to help you back up again and I know you will always be there for me. It's going to hurt, and it might not stop hurting for a while, but we have each other. I love you. I love you more than anything. You know that. You know that I love you." Levi whispered the last bit, his voice wavering slightly.

Dilan seemed to come back into reality as she took a sharp breath and pulled back from his looser grip to look at him, regret in her eyes.

"I know. I know, Levi. I know you love me. I-I'm so sorry. I'm sorry." She whispered over and over, pressing kisses to his face and neck, wiping away his tears. Levi let out a breath of relief, pulling her back to look her in the eye. He was surprised at how bright they were. She was here. All of her.

Was the episode over?

"Dil... how are you feeling?" He asked quickly. Dilan got closer to him, taking one of his hands in her own.

"Shit." She answered honestly. "But I think... it's mostly over. I don't want to hurt myself anymore." She whispered. Levi sighed in relief, leaning his forehead against hers. It was still going to hurt but they were through the worst of it. "I'm sorry, I didn't mean any of that." She whispered, a tear rolling down her face. Levi wiped it away and offered her a small reassuring smile.

"I know, brat. It's okay, I'm not mad." He comforted. Dilan sighed in relief, smoothing her hands over his shoulders and stroking one up the back of his head. Levi let out a breath, pleased by the comforting touches as he wrapped his arms around her waist and pulled her closer.

"Thank you for stopping me." She said after a while, emotion in her voice. Levi pressed a kiss to her lips, stroking her cheek.

"You would have done the same. We'll get through this, okay?" He soothed. Dilan let out a shaky breath and nodded, leaning into him, relaxing her body. Levi stroked her hair, relaxing himself.

He knew now she was out of the episode they were through the worst of it.

"I still can't believe their gone." She whispered. Levi closed his eyes, a tear dripping down his cheek.

"Neither can I." He admitted. She sniffed.

"I wanted more time with them. I-I wanted to make things right with Eld. The last thing I really did was hurt him. Levi, what if he was just pretending? W-what if he never forgave me?" She choked out. Levi rubbed her back, shaking his head.

"He wasn't pretending, Dilan. Eld talked to me, he wasn't mad at you." Levi informed and Dilan pulled back to look at him in surprise. Levi decided to elaborate. "The day we went to Sina, he came into my office. He wanted to make sure I treated you right. He wasn't mad, he loved you, Dil." Levi reassured, knowing this information would hurt her now but in the long run, make her feel a lot better. Dilan's eyes filled with tears again and she let out a pained whimper. Levi hugged her again, comforting her through the shock of the information until she managed to calm down again.

It was a lot easier for her to get a handle on her emotions now that she was out of the darkness.

"I miss them." She mumbled.

"I know brat. I will too." He whispered, stroking her hair.

"Their poor families. They-they don't even have bodies to bury." She said shakily. Levi felt a harsh pang of guilt. Not only about the body incident but the way he left Mr Ral in the street by himself after delivering that soul crushing news.

"I-I'm sorry about the bodies." Levi mumbled. Dilan pulled back to look at him.

"No, Levi. Don't-"

"I should have found another way. I-It was inhumane, cruel." He closed his eyes tight, trying to get the sounds of the carcasses thumping onto the ground out of his head.

Dilan was quick to reassure him.

"You did the best you could, I know you didn't want to. I know it tore you up, but you did it anyway because you had to. Because someone had to in order to save everyone else, and you were the only one with the stomach. You saved all those soldiers. Don't blame yourself." She soothed, wiping the tears off of his face and stroking through his hair.

Levi relaxed a bit, knowing she didn't resent him. He opened his eyes to gaze into her orange ones.

"I'm proud of you for doing what needed to be done. I'm proud of you, okay?" She reassured, placing a hand on his cheek. Levi let out a breath, some of the guilt washing away. Dilan smoothed her thumb over his cheekbone and kissed him softly. Levi kissed her back, hoping to distract her from their shitty lives for a moment.

He pulled back after a while and they both caught their breaths. Dilan sank down into the covers, cuddling into his chest and Levi wrapped his arms around her, leaning his chin on the top of her head.

"Never leave me." Dilan whispered, emotion in her voice. Levi fought hard to push down another wave of emotion himself.

"Never." He promised, kissing the side of her head.

Of course, there were no guarantees in this chaos. Either of them could die any day. Survival was a luck of the draw but for tonight, he would indulge them both. They needed to hear it. Dilan relaxed a bit and Levi knew she must be utterly exhausted.

"Go to sleep, I've got you." He whispered and Dilan tensed slightly. "I'll be here if anything happens, I'll be here when you wake up." He soothed, sensing her hesitations. She saw the squad die every night for over a year. She still got the nightmares every now and then, 5 years later.

Levi wasn't surprised she was scared.

"You'll be here?" Dilan mumbled, leaning into him. Levi stroked her back, pulling the covers over her shoulder.

"I'll be here." He reassured again, needing her to understand. A moment of hesitation and Dilan gave in.

"I love you, Levi. I love you so much." She sniffed. Levi blinked out a tear, taking a breath.

"I love you too, brat. We'll get through this, okay?" He replied genuinely. Dilan sighed in a brief moment of content.

"Okay." She whispered, closing her eyes. It wasn't long before she passed out from exhaustion. Levi sighed, hugging her close. He knew the pain wouldn't be contained to tonight. It would follow them around for the next few chapters of their life, but Levi knew they could get past it as long as they stayed together.


A/N: Heavy angst indeed.

Sorry I've been gone so long guys. Honestly I'm not doing too great. I thought I was getting better but maybe it was stupid to think I could just get "better". People have good days and bad days right? Maybe I shouldn't put so much pressure on myself to be fine. Maybe I just need to accept that some days will be shit and that it's okay to feel what you feel.

Sorry for the rant. I don't mean to project my shit onto you but this is like my outlet, lol. It's hard to talk about it with my friends, I hate worrying them. Being able to rant to a group of strangers helps somehow. So thanks for that.

Anyway... enough with that. I'm back, lol. I can't confidently tell you how the speed of my uploads are going to go from now on. They could stay like this or maybe speed up every now and then. It depends when I find the time and energy but I want you to know I'm not giving up on this story and that I do have big future plans with it. I'm actually really excited to write about it. My writing is literally my number one source of joy right now so thank you all for sticking with me. I really appreciate it.

Thank you to everyone who comments, you literally make my day. The smile I make when I receive a notification is honestly so goofy it's embarrassing lmao! So thank you so much! Love all of you!

Stay safe! Xx